


Strike a Pose (Entirely remastered)

by CuckooTrooke



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Sex, Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorders, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time, M/M, Modeling, Nude Modeling, Oral Sex, Photography, Photoshoots, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:30:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 111,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuckooTrooke/pseuds/CuckooTrooke
Summary: Sauli Koskinen is a 23-year-old photographer and the leader of his own, new modeling&photography company "Sunny Stars".Adam Lambert is a 17-year-old, troubled boy who catches Sauli's attention and not just professionally.How does their professional and private relationship build up? Are they ready to face the secrets they find underneath each other's skins?





	1. Amateur attraction

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to do this so bad for so long. To those of you who know the original work, no big surprises probably occur but I have changed several things. If you don't know the original work, SKIP the notes to avoid SPOILERS.
> 
> •No domestic violence. It takes too much research and it's a too heavy subject for my skills.  
> •I focus on Adam's eating disorder and self-harm more.  
> •I focus on Sauli's anxiety and certain PTSDs more.  
> •And mostly, I WRITE IT BETTER.  
> •This is an ENTIRELY remastered version so don't try to make the chapters match perfectly. 
> 
> I won't delete the original work. It was the first long work I wrote and during which I realized how much I love shedding things out like this.

Late at night in a brightly lit office, a 23-year-old Sauli Koskinen was typing the info of the previous candidate on his computer, when he realized how late it actually was. He was interviewing candidates for an assistant job and the list felt like it was going on and on and there was no ending in sight. 

A large window was located behind his office chair, opening a beautiful nightly view to downtown Los Angeles. He often spins his chair around just to admire the endless city but today he has been too busy to do even that. Maybe that's why he lost the track of time - Sunset above the city usually lures him to finish his day and go home. 

He wanted to get all the interviews done by the afternoon but apprently it didn't go as he planned. Just a few more, he decided, then he will go home. 

Sauli pushed his chair back and got up, straightened his tie and smoothed his hands down the front of his suit jacket, and made his way to the door. He opened it and pulled on his automatic smile as he called out the next person on his list. The _last_ person on his list, he just noticed. This candidate was significantly younger than most of the others and Sauli already feared he has not even passed high school yet. 

He reached out his hand for the young boy like he does with everyone - It's just another simple routine; Both a friendly gesture and a professional greeting. It was only during the handshake when he _really_ looked at the person who was about to enter and be interviewed, and his throat suddenly felt tight, almost like he couldn't utter one word.

The first things Sauli noticed were his height and his eyes. They were striking; like they stared right into his soul and were now digging out some of his deeprest secrets. Sauli blinked hard, shaking his head slightly and dropped his gaze for a second. 

"Good evening" He managed to croak anyway, and raised his eyes back up, "I'm Sauli" 

The boy was quiet, still just staring into Sauli's eyes while slightly shaking his hand. His handshake was fragile, almost fearful. Sauli begun to fear he was some kind of mind reader and he chuckled nervously,

"And you are....?" He asked.

"Oh! I'm- I'm Adam" 

Sauli let go of his hand and smiled, closing the door. He placed a tender hand on the small of Adam's back and guided him further inside. 

"Please Adam, have a sit"

Sauli let go of his back before it would get too weird. The last thing he needs is an accusation of sexual harassment in a job interview. 

Still, needless to say Sauli was checking him out; He has a special eye for pretty things because of his job and he immediately sees it if someone has potential to maybe work on camera. 

Though now he was looking for an assistant, it didn't change the fact that Adam was pretty and had a nice figure so of course Sauli will check him out. Adam was wearing black skinny jeans and a fashionable blazer that matched perfectly with his simple white tee. 

Sauli sat on the chair behind his desk,

"You don't have to be nervous" He said when he noticed Adam fiddling with his fingers. 

Adam didn't say anything, just hummed quietly, and handed Sauli his papers. Well, a paper. He only had his resume. 

"Okay" Sauli said as he eyed the resume though there was nothing much to eye when it came to earlier work experience or education.

He didn't want to point out that it was almost empty, he's sure Adam knows it himself, so he's just trying to focus on other things. Usually he bases the interviews on earlier education and/or jobs but now he has nothing to base it on other than Adam's skills and interests. 

"Is everything alright?" Sauli asked, glancing at Adam who now had his eyes closed, arms crossed tightly over his belly. He was tapping his foot against the floor so Sauli thought he might be nervous. 

"Yeah, I- I'm okay" Adam said and opened his eyes. 

Sauli nodded, a little suspicious, but let it go. Looking at Adam, a boy who was so young and most likely applying for his first job, made Sauli want to comfort him and tell him once again that he doesn't have to be nervous. He didn't want this boy to start being afraid of job interviews. 

He wanted to tell him that he'll be taking notes during the entire interview and he can be quiet for a longer period of time and that alone doesn't mean anything. But he decided to be fair and treat all of his candidates equally as you should do. 

"So,,, How did you hear about this available job?" Sauli asked. 

"Uh. I heard about it from a good friend" Adam said and uncrossed his arms. However, Sauli didn't miss the tiny flinch that passed his features, "I-I looked up your company online after she mentioned it. I got to know your photoshoots a bit and what are your goals on national and international markets"

Sauli nodded, impressed that Adam had bothered to get to know their works and study what's important for the company and where are they heading. Or at least trying to head. 

Sauli wrote some notes on his papers,

"Thinking your job as an assistant, which traits could be your greatest strengths?" He asked. 

"Uhm. I think I- I dunno, I'm very hard-working. I can- Oh God..." Adam cut his sentence mid-way through and curled his arms around himself again, this time leaning forward and hung his head. 

"Hey" Sauli frowned, jolting up from his chair and stepped past his desk to touch Adam's shoulder, "Are you in pain? Do I need to call for help?" he asked, seconds away from panicking. 

"No, no... I'm okay, I- I think I just ate something that had been expired" Adam said with a humorless chuckle.

"Are you gonna be okay? Do you want to reschedule the interview?" Sauli asked, gently rubbing Adam's shoulder.

"Not if there ain't even the slightest chance of making a difference" Adam said and sat up straight with a noticable struggle, "I haven't passed high school yet so I couldn't work full-time. I'm just- Nevermind..."

Sauli let go of Adam and walked back behind his desk, scratching his chin. 

"Do your parents know that you've applied for this job?" Sauli asked. 

"My parents don't know a thing" Adam said, his tone a bit more heated than Sauli expected it to be so he didn't want to keep nosing around. He doesn't even know why he brought up his parents, they don't have anything to do with this. They would if Adam was applying for a model job. 

"Is it okay if I call you later this week?" Sauli asked. 

"You can just say it now" Adam mumbled. 

"No" Sauli smiled, "I'll call you later this week, okay? And you should go home to get some rest. Food poisonings ain't fun"

~*~ 

After the phone call that didn't make much change, Sauli felt bad for Adam for the rest of the week. He had to straight up tell him that he's not qualified for the job because he doesn't even have a high school diploma nor earlier job experience.

Yet he decided to meet him again. Maybe Sauli could offer something for him to make a bug - Maybe just a part time job or a few photoshoots. With a permission from his guardian, of course. An internship could also be an option. He would teach Adam for the job but Adam would have to do it for free for a certain amount of time. 

Sauli decided to call Adam and invite him over for a little chat. He has to admit he was a little surprised when Adam actually showed up to his office the next week, on Monday noon. 

"I was just about to head down for lunch" Sauli said to him, "Please, join me"

"...Okay" Adam said, a little hesitant, but started following Sauli down the hallway anyway. Adam was wearing more casual clothing this time; A simple, cuddly sweater and a pair of nicely fitting jeans which made his legs look like they went on forever. Sauli couldn't admire then nearly enough since Adam was walking several steps behind him. 

"Cafeteria is four floors below us. Elevator or stairs?" Sauli asked, glancing over his shoulder. 

"Whatever you like" Adam said.

"Elevator it is. Gets us there quicker" Sauli smiled and turned his head to look ahead. He doesn't want to bump into anyone or into anything. Way to make an impression. 

_Not that_ he's trying to make an impression on Adam. But generally speaking, it wouldn't make a good impression. 

They reached the elevators and stepped in. Sauli couldn't have been happier that no one else was currently using it or waitin in another floor because he was all but _starving_. 

"Did you recover okay?" Sauli asked, remembering that Adam had been severly uncomfortable during the interview last week.

"Huh?"

"Food poisoning? Stomach flu?"

"Oh! Yeah, it settled in a few days..." Adam said, scratching the back of his ear.

"That's good. But you must wondering why I asked you to come?" Sauli asked when the doors had closed and the lift was moving. 

"Yeah, I- I was a little confused" 

"I wasn't sure should I call you or not but then I came up with a few suggestions that might work for you" Sauli explained, eyeing Adam in what he thought was a friendly, curious kind of way, but he had a feeling he looked a bit _too_ curious since Adam was refusing to look at him properly.

"Okay"

The elevator beeped and the doors opened. Sauli stepped out, Adam right behind him, and he lead the way to the cafeteria. At this time of the day it wasn't so packed anymore so the queue moved fast, fortunately. 

"Let this be my treat. Take what you want" Sauli told Adam and reached down for a tray. He pulled his hand out immediately as he felt a brush of skin against his fingers; like it had given him a zap. 

"Sorry" He chuckled awkwardly, allowing Adam to have the tray. He got the second one in the pile and moved on, Adam following right on his heels. 

Sauli filled his plate like it 'should' be filled, vegetables and salad covering at least half of the surface. Today they served fish with some lemon creme sauce which Sauli wasn't that fond of, so he chose to have spicy chicken instead. 

When they reached the end of the buffet, Sauli paid for both of the meals like he had promised. He eyed for an empty table to have a peaceful conversation with Adam and he was lucky to spot one near the windows. 

When they sat down, Sauli glanced at Adam's plate for the first time just out of curiosity. He chose fish over the chicken. 

Some of Sauli's co-workers, Terrance and Ashley, approached their table on their way out. 

"Can I see you after the lunch? It's about the clothing line contract" Ashley asked Sauli in a low voice. 

"Yeah, sure. I'll call you when I'm free" Sauli smiled and glanced up at Terrance who was grinning down at him, suspiciously eyeing his plate as well.

"Not surprised by your choice, you know"

"This has _nothing_ to do with the seasoning!" Sauli squealed, "Now will you both please leave us? I'm trying to have a professional conversation"

They both laughed, like two teenagers, and left the table while whispering God knows what. Sauli cleared his throat, loosening his tie lile it was suddenly too tight,

"Sorry about that"

"Co-workers?" Adam asked, curiously. 

"Yeah. And friends"

"What's with the seasoning?" Adam asked then, looking down at his plate with a noticable concern, "Should I have not taken this?"

"Oh, no no _no_ , there is nothing wrong with the fish. They just can't get over an old joke about spicy foods and one's libido" Sauli said as non-chalantly as he could and took a bite out of his sandwich. 

"Oh? That's uh- Interesting?" Adam said, his face flushing to a faint shade of red, "And that has something to do with you because...?"

How did I get into this conversation, Sauli asked himself. He sometimes feels like friends exist just so they can embarrass you in public and/or in front of attractive and important people. 

"Because I have proven that to be correct. It gives a nice boost to your sex life"

Adam nearly chocked on his water which was a clear sign that Sauli should stop talking about anything sex related if he wants Adam to stay and not run away. 

"Anyway" Sauli said, trying to save the situation, "About the suggestions that I have for you... I promise they don't include spicy seasonings"

To his relief, Adam actually giggled at that. He had a massive urge to make it all sound more of like a joke than anything else and thankfully he succeeded. 

"Then what do they include?"

"Internship" Sauli said simply, "Obviously it means that you'd not get paid until you have been trained for the job. And to help you with your money situation,,, there is one photoshoot coming up. I would need a permission from your guardian for that though"

Adam chuckled, amused, and looked at Sauli like he was out of his wicked mind. 

"Have you actually seen me?"

"I really hope so" Sauli said, exaggeratedly seriously, "Were you meant to be invisible?"

Adam kept chuckling,

"No but I mean- _Me_? In a photoshoot?"

Sauli looked at Adam as if to say 'Yes? Something amusing in that?'. Adam couldn't seem to tear the smile off his face regardless of Sauli's staring. But it wasn't a happy, proud kind of smile - It was a sad, almost humiliated kind of smile which Sauli was not at all happy to see. 

He doesn't want to make the people around him feel any less perfect than they are. Modeling and models are such touchy topics because they often include one's body; one way or another. 

"Are you making fun of me?" Adam asked, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Sauli blinked fast and stopped chewing his food, his jaws too tight to move under the shock and confusion.

"No? What are you- What? I'm not sure what are you implying"

Adam nearly tossed his fork on the plate and dropped his head against his palms,

"Oh my God, this is worse than high school" he mumbled, sliding his hands down his face and looked up at the ceiling. Everything on his face was un-readable to Sauli and he didn't have the slightest idea what he had said or done wrong to make him this upset. 

"What? Please, Adam, fill me in" Sauli said quietly, avoiding to make a bigger scene because there were already so many people looking at their direction. And in their eyes, Sauli's points probably weren't very high right now. 

"All those models walking around here" Adam murmured, discreetly looking around himself, "And you put a person like me in the middle of them and have balls to ask me to-"

"Adam, I'm serious" Sauli interrupted, quickly understanding what Adam was on, "I really mean it"

Adam's eyes focused on his again and before he could let out yet another amused chuckle, Sauli repeated;

"I mean it. I'm actually dead serious. We can finish our lunch first and then I'll show you"

"Show me?"

"What'd your promote in the photo shoot. That okay?"

"Okay... I guess" 

Sauli beamed in satisfaction.

"So... If you don't mind me asking, why are you looking for a job? Aren't you still in high school?" He asked then, "Graduating would look better on a CV. Just a thought"

Adam sighed, pushing the food around on his plate with his fork. He has been doing that for a while now, maybe he wasn't that hungry. 

"Yeah, I know. But I don't live with my parents anymore, so... Kinda need some money" He said, his eyes just gloomy. Sauli was a little taken aback by the fact that Adam doesn't live at home anymore. He has met young people who are chasing their dreams in Hollywood but Adam didn't seem to be chasing a dream from the modeling industry.

Maybe it was somewhere else. 

"But you still go to school too?" Sauli asked, taking a sip from his water. 

Adam looked at him, mouth drawn to a tight line. Like he was thinking of whether he should say something that pleases Sauli or tell the actual truth. 

"No" He said bluntly.

Sauli frowned,

"Why so?"

"That's none of your business" Adam snapped, immediately regretting, and added, "Sorry. Just bit of a sore subject"

Sauli nodded, understanding,

"That's okay, I don't wanna be pushy or anything" 

The rest of the lunch went by mostly in silence. Sauli didn't wanna force any conversation since Adam wasn't striking up any either. When they were done with the lunch, they returned to Sauli's office. 

Sauli didn't want to hold Adam for too long so he went to the storage room right away to grab the pants he needed fashion photos of. When he brought them in and pulled them out of their box, a smile made its way on Adam's face again. Sauli could see it though he was chewing on his thumb nail. 

But again, it wasn't a very big smile.

"And I'm going to fit into those?" He asked. 

"I have them in different sizes, if that's what concerns you. But I have done this long enough to know what size people are by just looking at them" Sauli said confidently and watched Adam roll his eyes at him. It wasn't a rude kind of eyeroll, just him not being entirely convinced. 

"You can change behind that wall" Sauli smiled, tossing the pants to Adam and pointed at the privacy screen in the corner of the office. Adam looked reluctant but moved behind the screen anyway.

Sauli leaned against the front of his desk, arms crossed and a smug smile on his lips. He casually looked around his fine office, re-arranged the three pens lying on his desk and finally glanced at his clock.

"So... Do they fit?" 

"Yeah... I'm not sure if they are supposed to be this tight though" 

Sauli struggled with swallowing his spit after those words. 

"They are supposed to be skinny fit, yes. Can I see?" Sauli asked but he was already walking towards the screen. Though he didn't step behind it until he heard Adam say it was okay if he did. 

Sauli was not prepared for what he saw. Sure he knew Adam would look amazing in them because he has such long, toned legs but he looked so much more than just amazing. He was drop-dead gorgeous.

The fabric hugged his shapely thighs like second skin. 

"They uh- They fit very well" Sauli croaked, swallowing heavy, "What about the backside?"

Adam slowly turned around to show the backside too. 

Sauli tugged on his tie as it felt too tight around his throat once again. The back pockets were designed so that they would give a nice shape to anyone's rear. Not that Adam needed the pockets to make his bottom look good... 

It was already perky. Not that Sauli had looked. Maybe just once. 

"They look really good" Sauli proclaimed, "You should be proud of those legs"

"Thanks" Adam said sheepishly, "Do I take them off or-"

"Depends on do you want to do the photoshoot? Because I can take the photos right away. But I'm still gonna need that permission from a guardian for the actual promotion"

"I can get it later" 

Adam's tone didn't really convince Sauli. But then again, he's not the type of person who speaks with confidence oozing from his voice anyway, so this was all Sauli had to go by. 

"Okay, then" Sauli said, "Let me just check which one of the studios is free"

He made his way behind the desk and with a few clicks on his laptop, he was able to see all the studio rooms and are all of them currently booked. At this time of the day, studio 2 and 5 were both free so Sauli added his own name on the schedule for the next hour. 

"Okayyy, let's go two floors up" Sauli informed and pulled out his camera from the desk drawer. He always has his own camera that he uses, nothing else will do. 

Leaving the office, Adam started to look more and more hesitant. He looked self-conscious with just walking down the hallway to the elevators, glancing at himself from every faint reflection he could see on the way, such as office windows and framed photos. 

"These pants put me on display in the wrong kind of way..." He said awkwardly after a couple of young women had passed then with one of the photographers and they couldn't conceal their giggles even if they tried. 

Sauli didn't mean to look down either but it still happened. 

"You don't have to wear them for long" He offered helplessly, "Besides, doesn't it give your ego a nice boost?"

"What ego" Adam murmured, barely loud enough for Sauli to hear, "Will there be others in the studio?"

"Usually, yes. Why? They have good manners, they don't stare" 

"No, but I- As if I wasn't uncomfortable enough doing this in front of you" Adam admitted, "So let alone dozens of other people"

Sauli smiled, glancing at Adam over his shoulder,

"I'll tell them to shoo if that's what you want" 

When they reached the studio, Sauli drove all the excessive people away. Mostly there were make-up artists and assistants who assist in photo shoots that keep coming thorough the day. This photoshoot, however, is going to be private.

They all went and asked no further explanations, Sauli is their boss after all. 

"Are you driving me away?" Asked one of the male make-up artists, with an amused voice. 

"Yes, Sutan, I am. This model doesn't want any extra eyes on him" Sauli smiled, still holding the door open. Sutan did come closer to the doors but instead of leaving like others did, he only peeked outside the door to see the model who didn't want anyone else in the studio. 

"Heyyyy" He smiled, his voice soothing and more high-pitched than usually, almost like he was talking to a helpless puppy, "What do we have here? A gorgeous young boy being all self-conscious. I won't bite"

Sauli wanted to tell Sutan to just drop it and leave but when he saw how he reached out his hand for Adam, he bit back his words to see how Adam would react. It was like following a scene where the new person tries to win over the helpless puppy and prove that they can be trusted. 

"I can give you a nice make-up before your photo shoot" Sutan offered. Adam brought his hand into Sutan's and carefully stepped over the threshold when he was slowly pulled inside the studio. Sauli smiled, closing the door after Adam was in.

"Watch your steps, there's lots of cables and other obstacles on the floor" Sutan said as he guided Adam to his vanity table that was located in the far left.

While Sutan was applying make-up on Adam, Sauli put everything else ready. Since the photos will be of the pants and Adam's legs are the main focus, no heavy make-up is necessary. Sutan just probably wanted Adam to feel more comfortable and possibly let loose a little easier. 

Sauli waited patiently, browsing the new emails and text messages on his phone. He didn't want to be an eavesdropper but he was still surprised how smoothly the conversation between Sutan and Adam was flowing. It took another good 10 minutes until Sutan spun Adam's chair around so he could get down.

Sauli was cleansing his camera lense when Adam came to him and if it wasn't for the strap around his neck, he would have dropped the camera on the floor. Sutan had applied a layer of make-up on his eyes and it was really bringing out the narrow, intense shape of Adam's eyes.

A simple "wow" escaped his lips before he could help it.

"Do you like it?" Adam asked, "He said you would"

"Do I like it? I love it" Sauli said, still in awe of Adam's beauty. Sure he looked good without the make-up too but there was something extraordinary in his eyes now. The type of thing Sauli doesn't see every day. 

"I'm gonna go for a lunch" Sutan informed loud enough to be heard properly, "I'll see you later!"

Sauli waved him a goodbye and got up from the chair he was sitting on. He didn't miss the grin on Sutan's face and it made him wonder if he knows Adam is underage. His co-workers aka friends have tried to set him up with several people but regardless of the great efforts, no sparks flew. 

Hopefully Sutan didn't see a new opportunity. 

"Come here" He said to Adam, guiding him to stand on the right spot before the background. When Adam was on his place, Sauli adjusted all the lights before going for his own spot and brining his camera to his face.

"Set your legs a bit further apart, about hips wide. Great. Now hook your thumbs- Yeah, just like that" 

Adam got a hold of it quickly. He tried angling his legs differently every time Sauli's camera had flashed. Some of his changes worked and some did not but that was expected since he's completely new at this. 

"Wonderful. Then the backside" 

Adam turned his back towards Sauli and Sauli thanked the Universe for the pants his company had been chosen to take photos of. He'd so tap that. 

_Jailbait_ , he reminded himself. Doesn't stop him from dreaming, it's not like Adam is 15 or something. Just a few months away from being 18.

"Pop your booty back a little. But just a little" 

The small adjustment made a huge difference. Sauli felt an unpleasant yet such a wonderful burning sensation deep inside his belly and the more aware he became of those feelings the more his face started to feel hot as well. 

_Sue me, I haven't had time for any action in ages_ , he argued with himself and tried to somehow justify his inappropriate, lusty thoughts. 

"Good. Perfect" Sauli croaked, "Thanks"

"You're welcome?" Adam said as he turned around. Sauli noticed he wasn't the only one looking a bit flustered and he wasn't sure should he secretly be happy about it or not. 

But now when Adam was facing him, Sauli couldn't stop looking at his face. Adam wasn't staring back at him as intensively though, after several long seconds he started to look around himself, unease.

"Sorry I'm staring" Sauli chuckled, "It's just that you're so incredibly gorgeous"

"Thank you?"

"Could I take a few extra shots of just your face? To my personal files only?"

Adam looked hesistant, an insecure smile appearing on his face,

" _My_ face?" He asked, glancing behind himself to make sure Sauli wasn't talking so somebody else. 

"Yes, your face" Sauli confirmed.

"Okay, uh- I guess that's okay?"

"You guess?"

"It's okay" 

Sauli smiled, 

"Thank you. I'll adjust the lights a bit and then we'll start"


	2. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam starts his internship and Sauli offers him a helping hand ond night.   
> More photoshoots.

Sauli had his legs propped on his desk as he was lounging on his office chair, staring at the printed photos of Adam from the previous week. They really look so freaking gorgeous, both the close ups of the pants and the extra shots of his face. 

He only wanted the face shots because Adam didn't seem to see the beauty within himself so Sauli wanted to capture it with a professional camera and edit it as little as possible. He hasn't showed them to Adam yet, he will when he comes over to start the internship. 

Sauli spun his chair around and looked at the other photos scattered on the desk. He grabbed a close up of the pants, taken from behind. He told himself he's only looking at the pants and the perfectly designed back pockets but a little voice in his head told him thar he's most definitely lying to himself.

He heard a knock on his door before it was being pushed open, and somehow he thought he was caught doing something bad so he quickly pulled the photos into a one pile and slammed some of his personal files on top of them.

"I finally got the portfolios if you want to look through them" Came Ashley's voice.

"Of course! Thank you" Sauli said and discreetly pushed Adam's photos further aside, "I will check them out later"

Ashley brought them on his desk and was about to turn away and leave, but she noticed the photos Sauli so desperately tried to hide from her. 

"Smitten much?" She winked. 

"I'm not!" Sauli squeaked but the redness rose on his cheeks and he could do nothing to help it. He does _not_ have a crush on a 17-year-old boy. 

"Sure you aren't" Ashley said non-chalantly, pulling out one of the photos and her eyes went wide, "Wow. I saw him last week but damn"

"Thank you for your input" Sauli murmured, pulling the photo out of her hands before she could say any other remarks and make Sauli feel even more uncomfortable than he already was. 

"He's starting today, right?" Ashley asked. 

"Yes" Sauli said, trying not to sound too excited about having Adam around him nearly every day for six to seven hours. He should be here in about 15 minutes and Sauli's heart gave unnecessary leaps to the thought. 

The grin didn't leave Ashley's face. 

"Don't you have work to do?" Sauli asked, not really irritated but unease because Adam is not the topic he wants to talk about. Ashley wiggled her eyebrows, slowly leaving the office. 

Sauli sighed heavy. He turned to his computer to get some of his paper work done. 15 minutes had never felt so long. He tapped his foot against the floor while continously checking the clock. 

It felt like every time he checked, only 30 seconds had passed. When it eventually hit 8.56, there was a knock on his door.

Sauli took a deep breath and got up, straightened his tie like it would make any difference, and walked to the door. Before opening, he took another deep breath and exhaled slowly, hating how hard his heart was beating. 

He opened the door with a bright smile and met Adam's sparkling blue eyes. 

"Hi! Right on time. Come on in and let's talk a bit"

Adam stepped inside this office, pushing his hands inside the back pockets of his jeans. Almost like he waited for some kind of further instructions.

"Have a seat" Sauli said when he had closed the door. Adam sat on the chair before his desk while Sauli sat on his own chair. He noticed Adam eye the photos on his desk. 

And _of course_ the 'booty shot' was on top of the pile. 

Sauli cleared his throat, 

"Yeah, uh- Brian printed out your photos" He said casually, giving the entire pile to Adam in case he wants to browse them through, "They turned out pretty good"

Adam looked hesistant as he looked through the photos but Sauli could see the tiny smile tugging on his lips. He doesn't claim to know Adam but he has understood that he has an incredibly low self-esteem. So seeing him smile at a photo of himself was definitely a win. 

And it wasn't for the commercial photos - it was for the face close-ups. 

"I have a few photoshoots today. You can come with me and just kind of follow from the side and sometimes you can take part in different trainings. Otherwise just help me out a bit; get me coffee, clean my files and stuff"

"So I'm like your personal servant?" Adam asked with a crooked smile, glancing at Sauli under his brows.

"If that's what you want to call it" Sauli grinned, "Once you are capable of handling paper stuff after some training, I can start paying you"

"Sounds fair enough" Adam smiled, pushing the photos back on Sauli's desk, "So what shall I do first?"

~*~ 

Sauli saw Adam at the agency saddenly little. He was always running from one place to another while Adam taking part in trainings and cleaning Sauli's office.

By the time Sauli was leaving work on Thursday night, the weather had cooled down several degrees, the thunder was rumbling somewhere in the distance and it was raining cats and dogs. At the front doors, he jumped when he saw a figure sitting on the bench. The figure turned out to be Adam, taking a shelter from the thunder. 

"How long have you sat there?" Sauli asked, paying attention to how much Adam was shivering.

"A while... Since I left. Well, I started walking and had managed to walk a while when it started pouring and I had to run back"

"Why didn't you take a cab?" Sauli asked with a frown. 

"Uhm, _hello_? Do you think I have any extra money to spare on cabs?" Adam asked, voice visibly affected by the coldness and he crossed his arms tighter around himself. 

Sauli sighed. He couldn't just leave Adam out like this, it was rather chilly and the rain could go on forever. He scratched the back of his neck, trying to find some solution. 

"Where do you live? I can drive you home" 

Adam grew more unease, fidgeting and avoiding Sauli's eyes. 

"I, uh- I kind of broke up with somebody. I was trying to call my friend Danielle but my battery died" Adam explained, holding up his phone and pressed the button but the screen was still blank. Sauli didn't know how to feel about the fact that Adam felt the need to prove that the battery has indeed died.

"So I'll take you to your parents' place?" 

" _No_ " Came the firm answer.

"Adam" Sauli said with an amused chuckle though nothing was funny, "I can't leave you out here like this. You must have a place to stay in, I won't forgive myself if something happens to you"

"I'll just wait until the thunder stops. Then I'll find some cheap motel or something"

"You're not going to find a cheap motel from this area" Sauli said truthfully, "Come with me. I'll drive you to some nice hotel nearby"

"I don't have-"

"My treat" Sauli interrupted. 

"Oh, I couldn't" Adam said, frantically shaking his head but Sauli heard none of it. 

"Let's say it's for the extra photos I took last week" Sauli suggested.

"Doesn't sound fair" 

"Sounds fair enough to me" 

"Sauli, no. I can't take something like that from you, it doesn't feel right. Just go, I'll be fine"

There was a sneeze. And another one.

"Except you're going to freeze to death" Sauli pointed out with a chuckle, pulling out a tissue from his pocket and handed it to Adam who blew his nose, "Please, let me help you"

Adam looked at him over the tissue. 

" _Fine_. But just this once"

Adam followed Sauli to his car with rather fast steps, nearly running because the cold, beating rain didn't feel good at all. They both still laughed when they finally got to the car and stumbled inside of it. Sauli ruffled his hair a bit to get the excessive water off of it. 

His hair has a tendency to get curly-ish in humidity. 

"Please, tell me you at least have some dry clothes" Sauli said when they got on the road.

Adam shook his head,

"All of my stuff is at my ex's place... And I don't wanna go there right now"

"Why not?" Sauli asked concerned.

"I uh- I caught them red-handed with someone else..."

"Oh. I'm sorry" 

"Yeah... But it's okay, it's not like I was surprised"

"What'd you mean?"

"Nothing. I just knew it was coming"

Sauli rubbed the side of his neck. Now he feels even worse for not being able to offer a proper job to Adam because he _really_ needs that money if he wants to have a roof on top of his head. He can't keep paying for a hotel since it's not a very profitable option on the longer run. 

Oh man. 

"We're gonna drop by at my place to get you some dry clothes, okay?"

"I'm sure there is a comfy bathrobe available that I can curl into while I put my clothes somewhere to dry. Or I just hop into a hot shower and go to bed to watch some TV while my clothes dry"

_Focus on the road and don't think about Adam in any fluffy bathrobes or naked in bed or actually don't think about him in any way_ , Sauli told himself. 

"You're gonna need spare clothes anyway in case your own clothes won't dry until tomorrow, so"

He heard Adam sigh but he didn't try to fight with him. It took about 30 minutes to get to Sauli's place since he wasn't living downtown. He had a house he was renting at the edge of the town in a peaceful area. He had a vision that if he ever gets to expand his company further than LA, he might make enough money to actually buy the house. 

Through that 30 minutes, Adam was snoozing on his seat. He woke up when Sauli parked the car. 

"Okay, let's go and get you something dry to wear" 

Adam nodded, rubbing his eyes. He looked like he was a bit puzzled after his nap, not even really understanding where he was and what was happening. He still got out of the car, eyes widening only when he saw Sauli's house. 

"This is your home?"

"Yeah. Well, it's not mine but I am renting it" Sauli explained, beaming and lead Adam to the front door, "Be aware of the mighty beast when we go in"

The second Sauli pushed the door open, they heard barking and paws hitting the floor rapidly, and the sound was coming closer and closer. The mighty beast turned out to be a small dog, going no higher than Sauli's knees except when it rose on it's back feet against Sauli's legs. 

"Moikka!" Sauli squeaked, crouching down to be showered in enthusiastic dog kisses, "This is Fluffie" he managed to say. 

Fluffie noticed Adam after a while, curiously going over to him. Adam crouched down, slowly reaching out his hand so the dog could approach it on his own pace and take his time to sniff it. 

"Hi" Adam smiled, curling his hand around to pet Fluffie's head when he gave an accepting lick to his palm, "I wish I had a furry friend like you"

"He can be a handful sometimes" Sauli chuckled, "I'll find you something to wear and then you can take a hot shower. Then I'll drive you back to the city" 

"Okay... Though I could take a shower at the hotel too" Adam said and got up, sliding his wet jacket off his shoulders. It was a leather jacket so it wasn't soaking through but since Adam had kept it open for the sake of his style, the shirt he wore underneath was soaking wet. It was a white, regular T-shirt, clinging onto Adam's chest.

"I can take it" Sauli offered, reaching out for the jacket though his eyes were glued to Adam's chest. More specifically, to his hard nipples that he could easily see through the wet fabric. Adam must have noticed because he blushed, crossing his arms. 

Sauli blinked, 

"Yeah, uhm- The bathroom is upstairs, second door on the left. There is a guest room right next to it, I'll bring some clothes there while you shower so you can change in peace when you're done. Okay?"

Adam nodded,

"Okay. Thanks..."

Adam went upstairs ahead while Sauli hung his jacket in the bathroom downstairs so it could dry a bit. Then he made his way up as well and into his own bedroom to go through his wardrobe. There must be something Adam can wear. 

He found an old, large t-shirt and dark gray sweatpants. Those must do. He piled them and took them to the guest room, on top of the bed. He then went downstars to make himself some coffee and a large sandwich.

Adam took his time with the shower and Sauli was already enjoying his coffee in the living room when Adam came out. Fluffie immediately begun to wiggle his tail when he heard someone moving upstairs. 

Adam came down after a while, wearing the clothes Sauli had found for him. The sweatpants were a little more snug on him than on Sauli but they didn't look too small. They looked just perfect, to Sauli's mind. 

And left almost no room for any imagination which Sauli had no complainments about. 

"You want coffee?" He asked. 

"Nah. Not this time of day"

"Tea?"

"If you insist"

Sauli smiled, pushing himself up. He went into the kitchen to boil some water and make a few sandwiches so Adam doesn't need to find anything else to eat today. 

When he came back to the living room with the plate and tea cup, Adam was curled in the corner the couch, eyes closed. Fluffie was looking up at him from the floor, then glanced at Sauli, like he wanted him to tell the stranger that he stole his spot.

Sauli sighed, carefully sitting down on the couch and placed the plate and cup on the table. 

"Sleepy, much?"

With that Adam slowly opened his eyes, glancing at Sauli. 

"Sorry... I've felt exceptionally drowsy today" Adam said, embarrassed that he's now snoozing for the second time within an hour. He grabbed the tea cup once Sauli handed it to him.

"That's okay" Sauli said softly and the soft spot in his heart that he has already developed for Adam, was softening even more, "You can sleep on my couch for tonight too. We don't have to drive back to the city"

"Oh, I couldn't. You're kind of like my boss"

"I don't really fancy being called boss. Think of me more of as a friend" 

Which is true. Being a boss to your friends can be challenging but he much rather takes those challenges than have everybody call him "boss" or "Mr. Koskinen". He'd never get used to that. It's usual in Finland to address people, no matter who they are, by their first name, so being called anything else than his name would feel weird. 

Unless they were pet names. 

And now he's getting carried away.

The look on Adam's face was rather weird and Sauli thought he might have said something wrong. 

"Did I say something-"

"No" Adam interrupted, "It's just- It's nothing, really. I've just never really had other friends than Danielle"

Sauli subconsciously held a hand over his heart which most likely got a crack on it hearing those words. 

"That the reason why high school doesn't tempt you?" 

Adam shrugged, clutching his tea cup,

"Not really... I just don't fit in. I don't know if you've noticed or if I give certain 'vibes' or something but- I'm a little different"

"Me too!" Sauli beamed.

"Everybody claims they're different and yet none of them really is" Adam mumbled, and if Sauli wasn't entirely wrong, he sounded a little bitter, "I'm pretty sure I am different in a little different way than you are" 

"Try me" Sauli encouraged, 99% sure of what made Adam so different. His gaydar has only failed him once before. 

Adam put the tea cup on the table. 

"You know that phase when guys are starting to want to lurk inside girls' locker rooms and peek under their skirts? I didn't have that phase" He said, picking on his nail polish, "I was very happy with the view in our own locker room..."

Sauli smiled, not able to help it with the way Adam decided to express his sexual orientation. 

"So... You're like- A bit boy crazy?" 

"I hope it doesn't bother you" Adam said quietly, "I promise I am capable of keeping my hands to myself... Though some jerks in school seemed to think otherwise"

Sauli wished he could be as confident about the hand thing. Surely he would never ever touch somebody inappropriately without their consent but he just felt a massive urge to touch Adam all the time in _some way_. 

"Well... In case you haven't noticed, I'm a bit boy crazy too" 

Adam turned to look at him, smiling, 

"I had my doubts. But I wasn't sure"

"Well, now you are. And thanks for telling me, I'm definitely okay with that" Sauli grinned.

~*~ 

The next morning, Sauli slowly let a tray on the living room table. Fluffie was pacing suspiciously in front of the couch Adam was sleeping on.

" _Ei_ " Sauli said firmly, pointing a warning finger at the dog but it was like he was talking to a wall because Fluffie jumped on the couch anyway and climbed on top of Adam, bringing his nose to his ear and from the experience, Sauli knows it tickles. 

But it was still most likely the paws and the body weight that woke Adam up. Fluffie has a habit of never licking anyone's face when they are asleep, he always waits for them to open their eyes first. 

So when Adam did, he couldn't save himself from the kiss attack.

"Good morning" Sauli snickered, "I tried to stop him but he wasn't listnening"

"That's okay" Adam said between his giggles, trying to at least push the dog tongue out of his mouth area, "I don't mind being showered in kisses in the morning. Wakes me up faster"

Sauli could have fun with that. But he won't. He can't. 

"Don't mind morning kisses, huh?" He still said, not able to help himself. Adam gave him a brief glance, chuckling awkwardly and the adorable redness spread on his cheeks but he tried to hide it in Fluffie's fur. 

"Anyway" Sauli rushed out, "I'm gonna have to head to work soon. I can drive you back to town and you can come to work at 9 or start earlier and then leave earlier"

Adam nodded, pushing himself up regardless of Fluffie's desperate attempts to keep him down. He jumped down from the couch when Sauli gave him a warning look. 

"Thanks. I guess I have to get my stuff from my ex's place... And return the key" 

Adam didn't sound too happy about it. Sauli didn't know which made him look so gloomy; the fact that he has to go and possibly see his ex in general or that he had to return the key and so close one chapter of his life. 

He wanted to tell Adam that saying goodbye to one chapter opens a path to a new chapter that can be double as exciting as the one he said goodbye to, but when he saw the despair in Adam's eyes, he only wanted to console him instead.

He just didn't know how.

"If he cheated on you, he's not worth those tears. You deserve something so much better" 

"I'm not heartbroken..." Adam mumbled, "Which makes me an awful person but... It's just that everything seems a bit scarier now, you know?"

"You'll figure things out, I promise. I'll help you" Sauli reassured, pushing the tray closer to the edge of the table in a meaningful way, "Eat now. Then we should go"

While Adam was having breakfast, Sauli got his clothes out of the bathroom so he can change back into them before they leave. He also took Fluffie out on a short walk. 

When he came back home and in to the living room, Adam was in the middle of changing. Or more of like finishing changing but it was still enough for Sauli to see that perfect ass fitted in black briefs, disappearing in those jeans. 

He has to admit he likes plush butts. They are nicer to fondle and squeeze when you're making out. 

"Just leave them there" Sauli said when Adam gathered the clothes he had borrowed to his arms. 

"Jesus" Adam hissed, frightened, and jumped around to see Sauli, "Have you been standing there for long?"

"No" Sauli swore, "I just came back. We really have to go now though" 

"Can I pee first?" Adam asked, eyes unnecessarily pleading, because it's not like their life depends on those few seconds it takes for him to use the bathroom. 

"Be my guest" Sauli chuckled. 

Sauli waited until Adam used the bathroom and then they headed to the city. Sauli drove Adam to his ex's place first and waited in the car while he got his stuff. 

After that they drove to the agency. 

As soon as they got through the doors, Ashley ran after them with rather panicked expression on his face. 

"The perfume! They- I was just- You have to-" She stuttered, out of breath, making no sense at all. 

"Calm down. Take a deep breath and tell me what is going on" Sauli told her and gently grabbed her by the arms. She took several deep breaths before she attempted to talk again,

"The perfume ad. The model cancelled"

"What?" Sauli gasped, hands dropping from Ashley's arms, "We need those photos today" 

" _I know_. You have to find a new model. Lots of ours are occupied right now though and so many of them are taking a part of the runaway show"

"Where do I find a new model in an hour?" Sauli asked, tugging on his hair. Suddenly a light bulb went on inside of his head and he shared a look with Ashley; both of them slowly moving their eyes to Adam's direction.

Adam looked at them both one after another until he realized what they were thinking about. 

"I'm not a model!" He squaked, "No way"

"You could be! I wouldn't ask if I though you couldn't do it" Sauli nearly whined, hating how desperate he sounded but that's what he really was - desperate. In so many ways. 

"We'd do it at the beach. I know a peaceful place. We can do it alone without anyone else there" Sauli suggested, voice more soft now, "Please"

 

It was all the pursuading it took. But Adam probably didn't know what he got into. 

When they later arrived at the beach, Adam changed his clothes behind the shelter of Sauli's car though there was no one else around. Sauli knew it was nothing personal but he still felt somehow hurt that Adam felt a need to hide from him. 

Sauli sat down on a large rock to wait and cleansed his camera lense.

He wasn't prepared to how good Adam looked in the photoshoot clothes though. The white shirt dress looked smoking as well as the jeans. 

"Wow" Escaped his mouth, "You look great"

"Thanks" Adam smiled, sheepishly. 

"Now get in the water. Don't have to go deep, just dip in and then just give a few poses"

Adam did as he was told and slowly got in the water, dipped himself completely underneath and jumped back up. Sauli's camera already flashed once. 

"Can you unbutton one more button?" He asked. 

Adam unbuttoned one more but Sauli still wasn't satisfied. 

"Pull the edges a bit more apart... We wanna see your chest" Sauli instructed. 

"Nobody wants to see my chest" Adam mumbled but did so anyway. Sauli beamed in satisfaction, nodding approvingly and brought his camera back up. 

Gosh, maybe having Adam do this wasn't the best idea. Not because he thought Adam was bad or anything, it just that seeing him in those soaking wet clothes with his nipples poking through the fabric and water droplets falling on his face from his hair, pushed Sauli on the edge of pure agony. 

"I need to see some confidence because you have every right to feel confident" Sauli said between all the flashes, "I wanna see seduction"

Adam rolled his eyes,

"I don't know how to be seductive"

"Use your imagination" Sauli encouraged, "Think about the camera as someone you fancy"

Adam shrugged, shaking his head. Sauli let his camera down,

"I know it's hard to step out of your comfort zone. You feel shy and awkward doing something you haven't done before" Sauli said gently, trying to approach it a little differently, "But I swear to you that I'm not going to laugh, ridicule or even harmlessly joke about what you do. You can trust in me"

Adam sighed, nodding. 

"Okay"

Sauli let him have a short, private conversation with himself, psyching himself up, before he brought the camera back close to his face. Adam blew out a long breath to calm himelf down and slowly opened his eyes but his eyes weren't the same as a few seconds ago. They were more intense, more narrow - like he was squinting them. 

But it didn't look exaggerated. 

Adam raised his arms and curled his hands in his wet hair. 

"Smoking" Sauli murmured. Oh what would he do if he could just go there and _rip_ that shirt entirely open and run his fingers through that black, soaking hair and just-

_Focus_. 

Adam opened his mouth a little - Perfectly seductive. Almost _too_ seductive for Sauli to handle. Adam was attractive in general but adding that to a wet shirt just clinging onto his skin, wet hair and water drops rolling on his skin which Sauli just wanted to catch with his tongue. 

Adam dropped his other arm down and hooked his thumb under the belt he was wearing. 

"Beatiful" Sauli said, "Very sexy"

After getting several frames of that, Sauli put his camera down on top of a towel on the sand. 

"Wait there, I need to do a few things" He said, going for his bag and pulled out a highlighter. He needs to add it on Adam's face so the sunshine would reflect even more beautifully. 

Sauli rolled up his pant legs, grateful that he wasn't wearing the tightest possible pants today or it would have turned out to be a lot trickier. He walked in the water and to Adam who helpfully came a little closer.

"I'll just put a little bit of this on your face" 

"Okay" 

Sauli took some highlighter on the tip of his finger and gently tapped some on the highest points of Adam's left cheekbone. He felt a warm sensation in his chest when Adam's eyes fell closed.

"Freckles" Sauli smiled, "I haven't noticed. I saw them on your arms so I guess it should have been obvious they'd be on your face too" 

"Yeah, I- I usually wear lots of make up. This morning I didn't have time to apply any... I hope you don't mind"

"Freckles? Or the lack of make up?" Sauli asked, hazed by Adam's soft skin underneath his fingertip.

"Both" 

"Of course not. Unless you haven't noticed, I have them too" 

Adam smiled, not opening his eyes,

"I've noticed..."

Sauli switched to Adam's right cheek bone. 

"Are you also covered in them thoroughly?" He asked, ignoring the curious twitch in his pants. 

Adam kept smiling. But Sauli imagined it was getting almost a little sultry,

"Now, that's a secret" 

"Secret, huh?" Sauli murmured. 

Adam just wiggled his eyebrows. Finally Sauli moved to Adam's Cupid's bow. Adam opened his eyes at that but Sauli couldn't bring himself to look into Adam's eyes, he just stared at his lips. 

He swallowed heavy, his touch shifting into a dangerously affectionate pet rather than anything else. 

After a forever, he awkwardly cleared his throat,

"Done! I'll take a few more frames and then we can go"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read the original, you must remember how straight-forward everything was. I'm looking back at it like Oh nonono. Ease into it.
> 
> Next chapter will get a bit more juicy though :))


	3. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli tries to find a way to help Adam with his low self-esteem.  
> More temptations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't get used to these quick updates. I just had these chapters nearly written when I put this fic here, so.

"Would you be interested in doing a little photoshoot for LGBT campaign with me?" Sauli asked Adam who was currently sitting on his office floor, organizing his papers. 

Adam looked at him, pursing his lips. That would be his third photoshoot and Sauli has noticed his reactions are getting more and more tame every time. No definite "No" coming right away. 

"Public photo shoot?"

"You mean will the photos be published?"

Adam nodded. 

"Yeah, at least on the campaign website. So... Will you?"

 

Adam said yes. But he most likely didn't know what Sauli wasn't behind the camera now but instead on the camera _with Adam_.

Sauli made his way to the dressing room Adam was in, and carefully stepped in,

"Hi gorgeous"

"Sauli? What are you doing here?" Adam asked, looking Sauli up and down, "And you're all set with your hair and make-up and all"

"This time I'm not behind the camera" Sauli grinned and took off the hoodie he had on. He too had a tank top on like Adam, only a white one, and tight jeans.

Adam had a black tank top and a pair of leather pants. Sauli tried not to pay too much attention to a particular body part which those pants made look so damn desirable.

"Then who takes the photos?" Adam asked, hesistant. 

"My friend Lee. But no one else is in the studio" Sauli smiled. 

Adam scratched his opposite arm and pursed his lips. For a second Sauli feared he'll say he doesn't want to do this after all. 

"Okay" He finally said.

"Good! Come" Sauli said, leaving the dressing room with Adam following him. Lee was there in the studio, setting the last lights to create a perfect lightening.

"Finally! Come here you both" He said and came to take them both by the shoulders and walked between them as they moved, "This is going to be so awesome"

He guided them to perfect spot, then shut down the spare lights he didn’t need.

"I have such a clear vision of what I want. Okay then,,, Adam, stand a little more sideways" He guided, "Yes, just like that. Now Sauli, get in front of him"

Sauli stepped in front of Adam, already guessing how Lee wanted them to be so he turned back towards Adam's chest.

"Yes! Sauli, you read my mind!" Lee squeaked excitedly and walked to them, "But closer" He said and pressed Sauli by the stomach and Adam by the back until their bodies touched.

Sauli's heart made an extra beat and the blood started pumping wilder all around his body at the feeling of having Adam pressed up against him so snugly. 

"Good" Lee said as returned behind the camera, "Now Adam, put your hand on Sauli's right hip"

Adam did as he was told and put his hand on Sauli's hip.

"Slide your fingers under his shirt just a little"

Sauli's breath hitched when he felt Adam's fingers on his skin. On top of that, they felt a little chilly so he shivered for many reasons. 

"Sauli,,, place your hand on top of his and reach up with your left hand to touch Adam's face"

Sauli placed his hand on top of Adam's and reached up to gingerly touch his face. Adam sighed under the touch and turned his face slightly towards the soothing hand, most likely subconsciously.

Sauli already regretted agreeing to this. While it was currently the sweetest thing to have Adam like this, it was also pure torture. 

"Good. Now,,, imagine that you guys are so much in love but someone, something, is stopping that. Forbids that. And now... You hold on to each other like someone tries to take the other one away from you" 

Sauli hated that he didn't have to imagine a lot. Surely he wouldn't say he has fallen in love quite yet but...

Adam tightened his hold around Sauli and it made Sauli's knees feel weak. He smelled Adam's breath and felt his heat. If he could just turn around and- _and..!_

"Amazing. Keep that position. But Sauli, drop your other hand down on the back of Adam’s thigh. Right beneath his buttock”

"Woah, there" Sauli interrupted, "Remember that we are working with a minor"

Sauli imagined he could hear and feel Adam quietly scoff at those words. 

"I know. We're not crossing any boundaries"

"Unless we are crossing personal boundaries" Sauli pointed out and moved his head just to look at Adam for second, "Or is it okay? Can I touch you like that?"

Adam was only able to nod at him. Okay, if that's what they want so be it. Sauli wasted no time and he did not forget to rub Adam’s thigh as he placed his hand on the place Lee wanted it to be.

He could feel something twitch against his back and it flared his feelings to another level. He didn't imagine Adam would get hard but now when he thinks of it, it ain't that surprising. He was young and to be honest, this whole setting felt hot in many ways. 

He was fighting whether to teasingly point it out but Adam might get too embarrassed and he'd never ever do something like this again. Sauli decided to stay professional and ignore it the best he could. 

"Can we take one where you're facing each other?" Lee asked, eyes nearly pleading. Sauli looked up at Adam because he knew Lee already knows what his own opinion is. 

"You asking me again?" Adam asked, "I'm fine with whatever you want"

"Never say 'whatever you want' when you don't mean it" Sauli said softly and turned around. Adam might be okay with this but he knows there are photographers out there who can boldly ask for nearly anything. 

And then you don't wanna agree to "whatever". 

"What are we supposed to-"

"Just look at me in the eyes" Sauli said, grabbing Adam's hands, "You can put your hands on my waist and I'll hold your hips"

Adam nodded, holding onto Sauli's narrow waist. Sauli grabbed Adam's hips, pulling him a little closer with a flirty smile,

"I don't bite. We need to pretend we are in love, so"

Adam let out a nervous chuckle, his face flushing and he discreetly looked down between their bodies. The curious hard-on was still there, pressing up against Sauli, but Sauli wasn't planning to make a big deal out of it. While Adam on the other hand looked like he tried to keep some distance between their lower bodies, not wanting Sauli to feel anything. 

There is a big chance Sauli's going to get hard himself. All the images racing in his head...

The flashes of the camera went completely un-noticed, Sauli was only able to focus on Adam's body and his eyes we was now staring into. There's so much depth, so many secrets and so much unreadable feelings.

Sauli reached up to brush Adam's cheek with his fingers, mixing it all with a little bit of tenderness. 

"I think I'm done here. You guys can be so convincing" Came Lee's voice, "These will turn out to be so amazing"

Sauli pulled away from Adam, his body longing for the warmth immediately. Adam still kept looking down, continuously making sure noting was too obvious. 

"I'll leave to change in peace. Come to my office after you've done" Sauli said to Adam, giving one last glance towards his lap, hoping Adam wouldn't notice, before leaving the studio.

~*~ 

Sauli had lunch alone that day, Adam said he will stop by somewhere but he didn't tell where. Sauli didn't ask because he concluded it's none of his business.

After the lunch Sauli had another photoshoot, this time without Adam. When he returned to his office, he went to the storage room to get a few portfolios but forgot about it when he saw Adam there, lying on the couch. Usually the couch is packed with boxes and lights and what not, so Adam had made some space. 

"You okay?" Sauli asked, "You're supposed to-"

"I know. And I did sort out the boxes... I was just taking a small break" Adam said and pushed himself up. He turned his face away from Sauli but he was silly if he thought Sauli wouldn't notice him wiping his eyes or hear him sniff. 

And something Sauli can not accept is his co-workers, his friends, feeling bad in any way if he just can help it, even a little bit. 

"Is everything alright?" He asked, sitting down on the couch. He noticed Adam has been browsing some of the portfolios he found from the boxes because they were scattered on the floor.

"No" Adam mumbled, hugging his knees to his chest.

"Wanna tell me?" 

"No" 

"That's too bad because I'm going to keep asking until you do" Sauli said, with a little bit of smile so it wouldn't sound so serious. Of course he's not going to make anyone talk about anything if they really don't want to. 

"I'm sure you have more important things to do" Adam murmured. 

"Nah. I was thinking of getting a cup of coffee anyway" Sauli smiled, "Tell me what's wrong" he added, more seriously.

Adam sighed, tightening his hold around his knees and glanced at Sauli under his brows. 

"I'm okay... I just remembered how terribly unattractive I am when I was looking through those photos" He said, nodding towards the photos lying on the floor.

"Firstly, you're not unattractive. Secondly, do you know how heavily photo-shopped those pictures are?"

It's not secret that the photos ain't as realistic as they could be. But that's how it works. If you buy a magazine, you look at the cover photo and of course the more appealing it looks, the more likely it will be that you buy it. 

It still doesn't mean Sauli thinks everybody has to be flawless or perfect in anyway. There is no such person on this planet anyway.

And that is not a reason to feel bad about yourself.

"I know that but- They're still so,,, flawless. Their perfectly structured faces, their bodies, their hair, their skin..." Adam said quietly, a pout growing on his lips, "When I 'work' here, I feel like the ugly duckling"

"Well, the ugly duckling turned out to be the most beautiful of them all" Sauli pointed out, "I don't want you to ever feel like you have to be anything else than what you are. You are good just the way you are" he added softly. 

"You're just too kind to say anything else" Adam scoffed, "I know you say the same to everyone else here"

"Of course I do" Sauli said right away, like it should be obvious in the first place, "I like my models the way they are because no one should feel pressured to be something they are not"

Adam sighed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand before Sauli handed him a tissue. 

"But they are still different than me... By the hollywood and modeling standards, I'm an XL model" He said in frustration. 

"Forget about the stupid standards" Sauli pleaded, subconsciously shifting closer to Adam and rested his hands on his knee, and chin on top of his own hands. Adam cocked his eyebrow at him but didn't tell him to go away. 

"Easy for someone like you to say. You're basically perfect" 

"Oh, I'm not. I really am not" Sauli reassured, "I could name tons of things that aren't 'perfect' or considered ideal in this industry. Come with me, I wanna show you something"

Sauli got down from the couch and reached out his hand for Adam. He only helped him up and then let go though he really wanted to keep holding on.

Sauli lead Adam a few floors up and to a larger storage room where they keep lights, camera stands, staging stuff and basically just everything that can't fit elsewhere. Sauli turned on the lights and then closed the door. 

"My first real project as a ' professional photographer' as I liked to call myself, was ‘Your biggest insecurity’. I did at the mall for free and there were tons of people coming to me and tell me what they hated in themselves, and that I possibly couldn't change their minds" Sauli explained when he bent down before one of the boxes, and started to pull framed photos out, "Crooked nose and mouth, long forehead, asymmetrical face and what not. Burns from accidents and scars from surgeries" 

Sauli pulled all the framed photos he took out, in his arms and gestured Adam to follow him and sit down on the chairs by the side of the room. He put the first photo in Adam's hands, of a boy with a burn scar on his cheek,

“He was bullied because of it. No one ever knew he saved his baby sister from a house fire" Sauli told him, "Their stories were written under their photos when I put them up in the mall later"

Adam stared at the photo for a good while but Sauli had no rush to go on. 

"He's cute" Adam said, "He has pretty eyes"

"He's also engaged to a girl by now" Sauli murmured, not wanting to admit he felt a ping of jealousy when Adam adored the photo so openly. But he also proved his point - No scars make you any less of a human. Or any less attractive. 

Adam put the photo aside with a crooked smile and Sauli just knew he had noticed the low grumble in his voice. He pushed another photo into Adam's hands,

"She said she has an asymmetrical face and that she hates it. After the photoshoot she loved her slightly crooked eye. I didn’t edit any of these photos, by the way. I only made them B&W” Sauli revealed and let Adam take in the second photo.

The third photo was of stretch marks followed by a twin pregnancy. The fourth one was of a young boy with self-harm scars on his arms,

"I don't want to romanticize self-harm. It ain't cute and it ain't beautiful" Sauli said softly when Adam looked at it, his hands slightly shaking but the movement was so faint Sauli barely noticed, "But the scars themselves don't make anyone 'ugly'. I saw him about three months ago, he came here for a visit. He's doing great nowadays"

"Can I keep this?" Adam asked, still eyeing the photo in what Sauli thought was awe. But it could really be anything. 

"Sure. If you want to" 

Adam put it aside and Sauli gave him the last photo of the pile. 

"This guy though he has a short pair of legs and long back. You know, a bit too short with a receding hairline and freckles" 

"This is you" Adam declared, his eyes nearly popping out of his head, "Would it be inappropriate to say 'nice ass'"?

Sauli was naked in the photo but his position didn't show anything else below the equator than a bit of his buttocks. 

Sauli snickered,

"That's okay. That picture gave me my first modeling contract"

"You look amazing" Adam whispered, "Can I take this too?" he asked. 

Sauli grinned, not sure if Adam was being flirty or if he really just liked the picture for more reasons than just his ass. 

"Of course. But tell me,,, What's _your_ biggest insecurity?" 

"I am not going to let you photograph me like that" Adam remarked. 

"I'm not asking you to. I just want to know what makes you feel bad when you look in the mirror?" 

Adam sighed, placing Sauli's photo on top of the other one on the floor next to him.

"My skin" He stated simply, then ran his hand from his chest to his belly, "And everything here. I can live with never being satisfied with the way I look but there's a part in me that is so afraid that I'm never going to be enough for someone else... And that I'm going to die sad and lonely" 

"I don't think that is going to happen" Sauli stated. 

"You can't know that" Adam mumbled, crossing his arms and stared at the floor like any typical, upset teenager. Yet those fears aren't only common among teenagers but in every age group. 

Even Sauli fears that sometimes. 

"What if literally nobody is going to find me attractive?"

_Oh boy if you only knew_ , Sauli's mind screamed. 

"Thinking about someone lusting me sounds so absurd" Adam added quietly, "And even if someone somehow did, I couldn't let them close to me because I'm afraid I'm too flawed" 

"How close would one have to be?" Sauli asked, leaning just a little closer, "I'm pretty close to you now and I can't spot any flaws"

Adam turned to look at him, the look on his face was something between sultry and sheepish when he saw Sauli's face so close to his. 

"Well, uh- I was kind of thinking a bit more,,, _intimately_ "

_Don't even think about it_ , said the voice in Sauli's head but he ignored it. 

"Like this?" Sauli whispered, tilting his head and pressed a tentative kiss on Adam's lips. It was definite electricity, waking up every possible nerve in Sauli's body and it was just one little kiss. 

"Something like that" Adam croaked when Sauli let his lips slip off. However, he latched their mouths back together right after, not able to resist, and dropped his hand down on Adam's thigh. 

Later he's going to think that this is the worst decision of his entire life. But right now it certainly didn't feel like it. It felt like the best possible decision he could ever make. 

Just having Adam's lips moving against his. A bit hesistant and awkward but so _perfect_. 

Sauli forced himself to pull away,

"We should get back to work" He said, standing up. His heart and mind were racing.

~*~

He's so young. He's so hot though. But he's working for him.

 _He's also a jailbait_.

Sauli turned the table fan's power up a notch and rubbed his face. Never ever has he been unprofessional in any meaning of the word and now he wanted, no, _craved_ , to do all kinds of things that would not only make him unprofessional but also a criminal. 

It was bad enough that he had let Adam stay at his place for one night last week. But now, letting him stay for another night, was so much worse. He could have paid his hotel again instead of dragging him to his flat. 

'You're just showing that you're a decent human being', Sauli said to himself. 

"I'm sorry if I'm being a burden" Came Adam's soft voice, like the frustration had somehow been visible on Sauli's face, "I promise to find a place to stay in tomorrow..." he added quietly, picking on his nail polish. 

Adam could easily be the type of person who pulls people's heartstrings. But Sauli doesn't see him as the type of person who acknowledges it himself and would take any advantage of it. 

"I know this is weird for me but it must be even weirder for you" 

Sauli gave half-a-shrug. The eeriest part is that it doesn't _feel_ weird at all. It should but it doesn't. 

Adam has certain type of innocence in his disposition; It could be his young age or his shyness but it's something Sauli grew very fond of almost right away. Yet it was shodowed with something Sauli could see in his eyes; something no one, let alone a 17-year-old, should have to deal with. 

Something that made Sauli want to protect him, even if there was nothing to protect him from. 

Fluffie caught Adam's attention when he came padding to the room and started to chew on his toy. 

"Heyyy" Adam said in a high pitched voice as he crawled closer to the dog and lowered his upper body down to scrunch his nose at him, though Fluffie wasn't paying much attention. 

Sauli turned up the fan volume again. It still felt like it did nothing to cool him down, not when he had a perfect view to Adam's backside and that ass which was so temptingly sticking up in the air. If Adam wasn't so awkward and shy most of the time, Sauli would say he is doing it on purpose.

Giving Sauli all those obscene visions... 

If the situation was different, say Adam was even that one drastic year older, Sauli would have already had him like that. On the bed, with no clothes on and without the dog interrupting. Sauli is sure Adam's ass would jiggle just the _perfect_ amount when you hit it from behind. 

"Oh jesus..." Sauli murmured to himself, forcing himself to look away. _Jailbait, jailbait, jailbait_.

"You know, Adam... Don't get me wrong but I can't keep you here. If somebody finds out, people are gonna start talking. And that is not the kind of talk I wanna have floating around my company" Sauli said, feeling physical pain for saying those words out loud but for the love of God, he is _right_. 

"I'm three months away from being 18" Adam said, a little frustrated, and pushed himself up. Thank God for that, Sauli would have creamed his pants like he was the teenager himself if Adam staid in that position much longer. 

"That's still three months too many" Sauli said softly and got down from his chair, approaching Adam who still sat on the floor petting Fluffie. Sauli pulled his pant legs up and sat down as well, "And there is another reason why I can't have you hang around here..."

"Do I whine too much?" Adam asked, his head perking up as he faced Sauli. Sauli felt another tug in his heart strings when he saw those blue eyes, just staring into his like he was genuinely concerned if he has been complaining too much. 

"No" Sauli said with a gentle chuckle, but got serious as soon as he remembered exactly _why_ it is a bad idea to have Adam around him all the time, "You make me think about things I shouldn't be thinking about at all"

Adam blushed, turning his head back down, a flustered giggle escaping his lips. 

"Like what?" He asked. 

"Just,,, _lots_ of things" Sauli murmured. 'Which include kissing you and touching you all over so that you're whining for more', he added in his mind. He shifted uncomfortably; the last thing he needs is an eager boner. 

"Oka... I uh- I guess I'll start going then..." Adam said quietly. 

"It's nothing personal" Sauli had to add, "You're sweet and kind but... This is not acceptable. You can still work for me, obviously, and for that I can pay your hotel for a few nights again"

Adam only nodded. He leaned down to kiss Fluffie once more.

"You already kissed me once though" He pointed out to Sauli, his voice muffled against Fluffie's fur. 

"I know. And I shouldn't have done it" Sauli calmly stated, trying not to get lost in the image. Adam's lips had been so perfectly soft and his plump lower lip was just _perfect_ to suck onto. 

"Yet you did" 

"You were upset" 

"So you just,,, kiss people when they're upset?" Adam asked, and Sauli could hear he was bitter about it. He would be too, to be honest. 

"Of course not" Sauli said calmly, "But you were so... So unsure of yourself and just drowing in this self-loathe and I thought-"

"That if you kissed me, it will all just magically be fixed?" Adam asked, his voice stronger than Sauli has heard it so far. He turned his face towards Sauli again and Sauli forgot about what was his point in the first place. 

"No" He whispered softly, "I guess I just- I just wanted you to feel better. But what I said to you back then was true, I didn't just make it up"

_Hell with the rest of it_. 

Sauli jolted up on his knees, grasping Adam's face and pushed their lips together. Adam moaned in surprise, his entire body went stiff before it slowly relaxed and his eyes fell closed.

Some temptations are just too difficult to fight. Sauli slowly pushed Adam down on the floor on his back, careful not to hit Fluffie who was still so close to them. One of the places he most definitely shouldn't be is lying between Adam's legs but for some reason he was unable to pull away. 

Especially when Adam had no complainments either, quite the opposite. He appeared nearly paralyzed except for the eager movement of his lips which made the kiss so different compared to their first kiss. Then Adam had been hesistant, almost shy, but now his lips moved freely and with mutual passion. 

Which made the pit of Sauli's stomach tingle with unpleasant thoughts. What if Adam has had someone to practise with? 

It sounds absurd but to Sauli's mind, it sounds possible enough to make him lose his mind thinking about it at night when he can't fall asleep.

Adam arms hesistantly came around his shoulders and that is when Sauli realized what was happening. 

"Oh no, no, no" He breathed, pushing himself up and wiped his mouth, "We shouldn't be doing this. We _can't_ do this" he said firmly and stood up. He tried to convince himself more than Adam.

Adam sat up, chewing on his bottom lip and looked up at Sauli with those innocent eyes of his. 

"I'm sorry..." He said.

Sauli sighed, running his hands down his face and felt himself cool down a bit, in every meaning of it. He sat back down, but this time next to Adam instead of going between his legs.

"No, I'm- I'm the one who is sorry" He said quietly, "It's not your fault you have those gorgeous, long legs and that beautiful face... " 

With those words Adam turned his head, looking at him like he couldn't quite believe what Sauli was telling him. Sauli looked at him though it felt almost painful to be looking at something or someone you could never have.

"And those mesmerizing eyes" He added, trying to conceal the sadness in his voice with a helpless smile, and brushed his finger across Adam's lips, "And those perfectly pouty lips..."

Adam looked away, rubbing the back of his neck,

"You're just saying"

"I'm not just saying" Sauli insisted, "I wish you knew how gorgeous you are. And I wish I didn't feel like an old perv saying all this to you"

Adam chuckled, taking it as a joke like it was intended to be taken but for some reason Sauli didn't find it so funny. The age gap is not even that big but it's the fact that Adam is so young. 

"You're 23. That doesn't sound very old to me" Adam said anyway, "And it's not like I feel harrassed by you... But I do wish I was a few years older. Not that it would necessarily change anything but I just-"

Before Adam could finish what he was saying, Sauli curled his fingers on the back of his head and pulled him closer for another hasty kiss.

"Stop it" Adam said, much to their both surprise, and pushed Sauli off, "I'm not going to be your play toy; either you want me or you don't. But you can't keep doing this just to play with me and my feelings"

It's just a kiss, Sauli said to himself. But now that he looks at Adam and thinks about it, it's all so much more than just a kiss. It's a kiss shared with someone he's insanely attracted to and who thinks Sauli is playing with his feelings. 

Which he would never do if he can help it.

"I could never play with you" Sauli convinced, "Not ever"

"Then what do you want from me?" 

"I want _you_ " Sauli almost whined, surprised that he confessed it so openly but at this point he couldn't care less, "And it's so wrong"

"If it's the law that concerns you, it only stops you from having sex with me" Adam pointed out, "So is that all you really want from me?"

"No. I want all of you'

"As in?"

"As in cuddle you, hold your hand, pet your hair, take you out on dates, pamper you when you feel sick and have late night converations with you which go deeper than bottom of the ocean" Sauli confessed and sighed as he realized he lost the fight with himself, "In addition to all that, of course I want to kiss you and touch you"

"You could still date me... I get that if you don't want to but in theory, you could..." Adam quietly stated. 

Of course he could. Dating doesn't mean he's going to sex him up and it's only three months anyway. 

"Would you like that?" Sauli asked with a smile, realizing that maybe the situation ain't as hopeless as he thought, and brought his face close to Adam's, "Would you want that?"

Adam nodded,

"Yes... If only you want to"

"Gosh, I really do" Sauli whispered, "More than you know"

Adam grinned, throwing his arms around Sauli's shoulders. 

"Does this mean I can sleep in your bed for tonight so I don't have to bother Danielle?" He asked, pulling away.

"Sure" Sauli smiled, "Of course you can"

When it was actually time for bed, Sauli couldn't believe he was sharing his bed with Adam. Adam was wearing his underwear and a T-shirt. Sauli didn't really expect him to get naked but in some twisted way, he hoped he would have. 

But it was perfectly okay like this too.

Sauli was pondering whether he should keep his underwear on too. He decided yes because he didn't want Adam to feel uncomfortable or things to get weird in general. 

Adam was too shy to make any first moves, so Sauli scooted closer to him and pecked him on the lips,

"Good night, baby"

It still bothered him that Adam had just broken up and that he might have the wrong reasons for building a new relationship. He was also concerned that he was going to torture himself to death with this. 

Both physically and mentally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorryyy for this lame "get together" thing.


	4. Begin Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Persuading and dating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned before that I dropped the domestic violence because I don't believe that I can make such heavy topic convincing with my current skills.   
> So, there is a change in that. But this is such fun to write! I can't seem to stop.   
> ... I go and lock myself to a psychiatric ward now.

Sauli woke up early even though it was saturday. Must be the "old" age, he thought to himself and turned around on the bed to see Adam sleeping on the other side of the bed on his tummy.

Sauli smiled in pure bliss, squeezing the duvet to his chest. His smallest movements woke Fluffie up and he came up, bringing his face close to Sauli's to make sure he is awake before licking the entire of his face.

"Okay, okay" Sauli snickered, pushing him off, "I'll get up and take you out"

Fluffie curiously turned to Adam but Sauli lifted him over his own body to stop him. 

"No. You let him sleep"

Sauli slid down the bed and took Fluffie in his arms to make sure he ain't waking Adam up. He closed the bedroom door and let the dog down, then continued with his usual morning routines. Using the bathroom, washing his face and putting the coffee maker ready. 

He took Fluffie out on a small walk, no longer than 15 minutes, but when he came back, Adam was already up in the dining room, eating one of Sauli's protein bars he must have found from the kitchen, and having a cup of coffee.

"You decided to have a very filling breakfast" Sauli smiled, letting Fluffie out of his leash. He dashed to Adam right away, rising on his back feet not only to get head pets but to see what Adam was eating.

"Couldn't resist. I can get you a new one" 

"No need. I have tons of those" Sauli chuckled, going to grab himself a mug and poured himself some coffee, "What are your plans for today?”

"My plans? Like I had lot to do. I guess I'm just gonna stay in and call Danielle and ask if I can bunk at her place for a change" 

"Okay. Then I want to take you out" Sauli said when he came back to the dining room, "If that's okay"

"Like,,, On a date or-?

"Yes. I know a perfect place for a lil' picnic” Sauli smiled and put his cup on the table, walked behind Adam and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, "Do you accept the invitation?"

Adam smiled and held on to Sauli’s arms, nodding.

“Good” Sauli beamed and turned Adam’s head by his chin, leaning close to press a sweet kiss on his lips. Adam sighed, bending his head some more so Sauli pressed in with more force, savoring Adam's lips.

Amazing how just yesterday he thought he is going to die from misery. And now he is kissing the boy of his dreams like it was the most normal thing in the world. 

"I’m gonna take a shower after breakfast and then I'll do some paper work. Then we can go" Sauli murmured against Adam's lips, fingers tangled in his sleep-mussed hair. 

"Okay" Adam smiled.

~*~ 

 

Later the day Sauli indeed took Adam out on the hills nearby to have a little picnic. The day was beautiful and perfect for an outside date, so why waste it sitting inside. 

Sauli had brought a bottle of homemade juice and some fruits, such as grapes and nectarines, all fitted in one large basket. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure" Adam said, slurping on the nectarine, which Sauli found surprisingly arousing in some weird way. 

"You just broke up with your boyfriend. Are you sure you are ready to date again just yet?" Sauli asked, trying not to sound too worried. 

Adam put the core of the fruit aside and licked his fingers clean,

"I'm not sad about _him_... I don't think I ever really was in love with him. I was more fond of the idea of being in love and living together and all that" Adam explained, eyeing the basket for a while before grabbing another fruit, "I'm not sad about the break up. I'm sad that I was cheated on because apparently I wasn't enough, and I'm alone again. If that makes any sense..."

"Yeah. It does. Kinda" Sauli shrugged, "So are you with me now because I'm just a guy who asked you out or because you want to be with _me_? I don't want you to be here just so you can say you're not alone" 

He had to ask it or his mind wouldn't have given him a break for one second. 

"I am here because it's you" Adam reassured, "I promise"

Sauli nodded, smiling. That's what he has to go by. He won't start questioning Adam's words, he wants to believe in him and that way he saves himself from lots of draining thoughts. 

"May I kiss you?" Sauli asked, reaching out to brush his fingers against Adam's cheek.

"You don't need to ask" Adam chuckled, "But yes, you may"

Sauli smiled as well and leaned in to gingerly press their mouths together. Adam's lips were really soft, he obviously takes good care of them. 

The kiss was brief but enough to spark something inside Sauli 's chest. He brushed Adam's nose with his own before pressing their foreheads together. 

They both smiled, knowing very well what they both wanted, so Sauli leaned in for another, more open-mouthed kiss. Adam placed his hand on Sauli's waist, squeezing a little, and savored his mouth with mutual eagerness. The nectarine was definitely a dominating taste but there was a hint of another taste, just Adam, and that's what Sauli wanted to chase the most. 

"Can you straddle me?" Sauli asked, whispering. It's been too long since he has been properly pinned down by an attractive man and he really wants to feel a solid body weight on top of him. 

"Okay..." Adam smiled, a little sheepishly. Sauli lay down on the blanket and watched as Adam straddled his lap, then sat down, ass nestled warmly on his crotch. Sauli looked at Adam's face; his curious eyes and smile, the faint blush on the cheeks as he looked down at their bodies when he settled more snugly on Sauli's lap. 

Sauli couldn't help smiling himself. The last time someone looked so giggly while sitting on his semi-hard boner, was when he was a teenager himself. But he has to admit it was kind of adorable. 

Acknowleding the presence of a perfectly plush ass on his lap, Sauli felt the blood flow inside of him pump even wilder, and he couldn't help but squeeze Adam's thighs.

"Come down here" He murmured, moving his hands on the front of Adam's shirt and pulled on it. Adam got the hint, leaning down 

The kiss started out slow and sweet, the slick sounds of the kissing; sucks and licks, filled the quiet space around them.

In moments like these, the life is pretty much perfect. Sauli ran his fingers through Adam’s silky hair; through the longer hair on the top and then scratched his scalp near his neck where the hair was shorter. 

Adam hummed in bliss, curling his body against Sauli. Oh, so he likes the hair play...

Sauli dropped his hands from Adam’s hair to his shoulders, sliding them down his waist and curled them around his body, resting them on the dip of Adam's back. 

Adam supported his bodyweight with his other hand and with his other he moved Sauli's hand lower to his ass. Sauli drew in a heated breath, gently squeezing the firm cheek before bringing his other hand down too and cupped both cheeks.

Nothing stops him from kissing Adam, he reminded himself. Nothing stops him from touching him. It's just three months and he will be able to do a lot more than that. 

He can do it. Until that they can fool around a bit. 

A quiet moan blessed his ears, reminding him just how sweetly torturous it would be. 

..... He so can't do it. 

"Can I ask you something?" Adam said all of a sudden, his lips sliding off with a wet pop. 

"You don't need to ask but yes you can" Sauli smiled.

"You don't have to tell me if it's too personal but how many guys have you been with?" Adam asked, sitting up, and Sauli's eyes automatically travelled down to his lap. 

_Focus! You were asked a question_. 

"Uh- I haven't really kept a count. I've only dated one but surely I've had some flings and one night stands. Why?" 

"Just curious..." Adam shrugged, "What about uh- When did you,,, you know? For the first time?"

Ah, Sauli sees where it is all coming from. Adam is worried about possibly being too inexperienced compared to him. As far as Sauli knows, Adam has only had one boyfriend. 

"When did I lose my virginity? With my first boyfriend at 16. Took a little while to really get a good hang of it... " Sauli told him with an amused chuckle. Oh, weren't those good times... Nothing Sauli would want back but memories that used to make him so embarrassed but now just rather makes him laugh. 

"You don't need to worry about anything" Sauli said then and stroked Adam's thighs when he saw the serious expression on his face, "Okay?"

Adam only nodded, mumbling a quiet "Okay".

The sound of kids' laughter coming closer caught their attention and Adam swiftly moved off Sauli's lap. Sauli scooted up too and pulled out the bottle of juice like nothing happened. No rauchy PDA. 

The family spread their things nearby and Sauli shared a sly smile with Adam. 

"Well, we can continue that some other time" Sauli winked, "Juice?"

~*~

Sauli's phone was ringing, Ashley was calling his name and he had his arms full of files he should check through. He dropped the files on his desk, yelled Ashley to sush for a second and picked up his phone.

"Sunny Stars, good afternoon, how may I help you?" 

_"Hi, This is Leila Lambert calling. Is this Sauli Koskinen on the phone?"_

Something in Sauli's spine stirred and he gestured Ashley to leave the room so he could talk in peace, and sat down on his chair. 

"Yes, this is him"

_"Is this a bad time?"_

Well, basically everyone in the agency needs him right now but considering this is Adam's _mother_ , no way Sauli is going to make her wait longer than necessary. 

"Not at all"

_"I saw my son on a billboard this morning and the name of your agency underneath, so I thought I'd give a call"_

"I'm listening" Sauli said, spinning his chair around to see outside because it calms his nerves every time.

_"He doesn't return my texts or calls... I was wondering if you knew where he is? I haven't seen him since he moved out"_

Sauli frowned, 

"That's rather odd because he brought me a permission paper when he started here and it was signed by you" 

There was a long silence on the other.

"Hello?"

_"Sorry! I was just trying to think when was the last time I have signed anything for him. I really haven't seen him in a month_

An unpleasant sensation swept through Sauli's body and he turned towards his desk, pulling one of the drawers open and searched for the said papers.

When he found it, he pulled it out and it was indeed signed.

"Leila Lambert, right? That's what it says on the papers" He said, his frown only getting deeper.

_"I'm sorry but that's impossible"_

"Oh, lord" Sauli murmured, running his palm down his face, "I don't really know Adam that well yet... Would forging a signature sound like something he would do?"

_"Apparently, yes. Though I'm a little surprised to hear he has done that"_

"Oh, crap" Escaped Sauli's mouth, his heart starting to race, "The common policy is to not let underaged models work without a permission from a guardian so I under-"

_"Calm down, I'm not looking for trouble to either one of you. If he showed up now with those papers, I'd sign in a heartbeat anyway. I'm happy if he has found a job. But I'm asking you,,, As a mother, please tell him to call me. If he and his boyfriend need financial support or anything at all, we're here to help"_

Sauli is sure Leila is talking about Adam's ex. She couldn't have known they have broken up if Adam hasn't even talked to her. 

"Yeah, about that... Adam broke up with him. And moved out" 

Silence. Again. But for understandable reasons, Leila must have a hard time progressing all of it and accepting that her son had shut her out of his life for a while. 

_"But... Where does he live?"_ Leila asked, the concern even clearer in her voice now. 

"I've paid him a hotel a few times and he has bunked at his friend, Danielle" 

Leila doesn't need to know Adam has staid at his place too. She might change her opinion about not wanting to cause any trouble to anyone. 

_"Tell him to call me. Tell him to come home, I beg you. As a mother who is worried sick"_

Sauli sighed, scratching the back of his head,

"I promise I'll talk to him" 

_"Thank you"_

After hanging up, Sauli immediately got up and left his office. Ashley was still waiting outside for him to finish his call. 

"Oh, right! The runaway show" He remembered immediately, "Can you handle it without me?"

"Me? Like alone?" Ashley squeaked, "I have no idea what to do"

"I trust in you. Please, my hands are full with everything else" Sauli pleaded, giving Ashley the best puppy eyes he could pull. She groaned, giving in, and left right away to start preparing the show. 

Sauli had no idea where Adam currently is. If his instincts are anything to rely on, he would be in the top floors cleaning and browsing through old photos and files, so that's where Sauli went.

He wasn't wrong. Adam was there in the back of the room, sorting out everything on the shelves and into boxes. 

"What's up?" Sauli asked lamely, closing the door.

Adam jumped around, startled,

"Jesus" He hissed, turning back around when he saw it was just Sauli, "Nothing much, just thought I'd clean a bit because nobody had time to educate me in anything else"

"Sorry. Today's a bit hectic for all of us" Sauli said, "Guess who I talked to just now"

"Naomi Cambpell?" 

"I wish" Sauli smiled but it didn't quite reach his ears for many reasons, "Your mother"

Adam nearly dropped the frame he was putting on the shelf but he managed to catch it before it hit the floor.

"I think we need to talk" Sauli said seriously. He saw Adam nod though he wasn't facing him and he put the frame on the shelf. 

Sauli pulled Adam to an empty spot by the hand and they sat on the floor, facing each other.

"I'm just gonna go straight into it... Did you forge your mother's signature?" 

Adam looked at him for a while, those blue eyes almost pleading him not to do this to him but Sauli had no choice. Eventually he nodded, looking completely defeated and embarrassed. 

"But why?" Sauli asked, "I just talked to her and she said she would have signed them in a heartbeat. Why didn't you see her? Why don't you return her calls?"

Adam sighed, pulling his knees to his chest for extra protection.

"I didn't want to go back and cry for mama's help, I had told her I'd be fine. And the day I left, I... I heard her talk with my dad. About my sexuality and- Other stuff, so I just kind of made a decision to disappear for a while" 

"Were they being rude about it or-?" 

"No...? I don't know, I didn't stay to listen..." Adam murmured, hugging his knees a little tighter. 

"Well, the person who was on the line was a loving mother, worried sick about her son and only wanting the best for him. I promised to talk to you and try to persuade you to call her and maybe even move back home" Sauli told Adam, in all of his honestly and reached out to rub Adam's knee.

Adam still didn't look too convinced. 

"Don't you think it would make your life a lot easier for now?" 

The certain kind of twitch of Adam's mouth revealed the he was on the verge of tears and Sauli had no idea why. He has no idea if Adam has problems at home and there he is, trying to get him to move back home. 

"They're gonna make me go back to school..." Adam mumbled.

"Is that what you're running away from?" Sauli asked, moving to sit next to Adam instead of facing him. 

"Kinda..."

"Care to tell me why?" 

Adam avoided looking up, his eyes glued to the floor. 

"It's nothing. Just stupid, really..." 

Sauli was sure it was nothing 'stupid' but trying to make Adam convinced about it would take another hour and Sauli really has a lot to do today. 

"Well, whatever it is, I'm sure you have your reasons. But if you talked to your mother, you could find some kind of solution. Maybe attending summer school to fill the missing classes or something?" 

"I suppose... "

"If you want to, I can give you a ride after work" Sauli offered, "Think about it. Now, come here"

Sauli pulled Adam to a hug and gave his back a few soothing rubs. 

"I'll see you later" He murmured, pecking the side of his neck.

~*~ 

Much to his surprise, Adam did move back home in a few days after seeing his parents.

And Sauli was so happy Adam made the decision to move back home. 

Though they haven't had time to see each other a lot at work because Sauli has had lots of photoshoots so Adam has mostly been with Ashley. They have texted every day though and occasionally met in lunch breaks. 

On Friday Adam came to stay at Sauli's place, most likely over night. 

"How have things been back at home?" Sauli asked when they were lying on the couch watching a movie. 

"They've been good so far. I don't know why I was afraid to go back. Thank you for persuading me" 

"You're welcome" Sauli smiled, shifting up a notch so he could press a kiss on Adam's lips, "What about school?"

"On a little break now... We made some arrangements with the school"

"That's great" Sauli smiled, stealing another kiss. When he pulled away, Adam was staring back at him, his eyes almost inviting, so Sauli pushed their lips back together. 

Adam opened his mouth, letting his lips slide against his more freely. 

The hand resting on Adam's chest subconsciously moved around a bit, just to feel Adam's body out of curiosity. Adam didn't let him feel around for long, he flipped them around and straddled Sauli's thighs. 

Sauli stroked Adam's back all over when they lost themselves into the heat of the moment. He felt his shoulder blades, the muscles underneath the skin and the soft rise of his butt. He has no idea where to draw the line with the making out.

Adam didn't seem to mind his wandering hands. However, when Sauli started to pull the hem of Adam's shirt up, Adam stopped him. 

"Don't" He pleaded softly, pushing the hem back down, "I'd like to keep it on"

Sauli felt a little taken aback, hurt even, but he still nodded,

"Of course" he murmured, " You can trust in me though..."

"Still" Adam insisted, clutching on his shirt. 

"Okay. Then it stays on" Sauli smiled though he felt it all a bit too personally. Like it was a personal jab at him though it probably had nothing to do with him. 

"You promise?"

It was a completely unnecessary question. 

" _Yes_. Of course"

Adam slowly let go of the fabric and brought their lips back together. Seeking for bare skin was like an instinct and Sauli's hands soon found a tiny patch of hot skin between the waistband of Adam's pants and the hem of his shirt. Adam didn't seem to mind that, he humped against Sauli almost subconsciously which Sauli found incredibly hot. Those little moans he made were like sounds straight from heaven.

Sauli cupped Adam's ass, squeezing the plump cheeks to his palms and pulled his body towards himself. 

Adam hummed against his lips, automatically curling his pelvis, 

"That feels nice..."

"Thought it might" Sauli smiled, giving the ass another not-so-tender squeeze. 

Adam slid his other hand under Sauli's shirt and caressed the skin of his side. Sauli shivered, running a fingertip between Adam's butt cheeks. The fabric of his sweats was so loose he could do it easily. 

His mind was racing, if only he could run his finger down the bare crack and feel Adam's hot, twitching hole under his touch.

_Fuck_. 

Sauli grasped Adam's ass and pulled him as close as it was physically possible without having him inside of him. Adam gasped softly, the sound the sweetest Sauli has ever heard and it set him on fire.

"Someone is definitely licking my feet" Adam interrupted, chuckling. Sauli snickered and pushed Fluffie down from the couch with his foot, carefully, of course.

"He's just jealous of me" 

"So he's gonna eat me if I appear threatening?"

"I don't think so. He likes you too" Sauli said while looking at the furball lovingly, "Don't you?"

Fluffie barked like he understood the question. 

"Now go on. I take you out soon" Sauli cooed and scratched Fluffie's ear, then tapped him on the butt, "Go"

After he strutted out of the living room and to the kitchen, Sauli returned his hands on Adam's bum.

"How soon is soon?" Adam asked. Sauli nipped on his bottom lip and smiled,

"That depends..." Sauli murmured, rolling them over so he was the one lying on top, "This okay?"

Adam nodded. 

Sauli lowered his mouth on Adam's neck and begun to search for any pleasure triggers, hips slowly pushing down against Adam. Just having his lips hover over the skin seemed to fire Adam up but when Sauli started to gently suckle on the skin, Adam became more restless. 

His hips moved with Sauli's and his arms came around Sauli's head, like making sure he wasn't going to stop anytime soon. 

He really won't. 

Adam's scent was almost intoxicating and the shifts in his breaths made Sauli that much eager to pull more of those sounds out of him. He ground his hips down hard, making Adam whimper and curl his leg behind Sauli's thighs. 

Sauli slid his mouth to Adam's ear and let his breath tickle his skin. He doesn't know about Adam but his ears are so sensitive he goes wild with the simplest things. 

Adam shuddered, tugging on Sauli's hair. Sauli smiled to his skin, letting his lips hover back down and onto Adam's throat. He latched his mouth on the fragile skin, gently sucking. 

"Don't stop..." Adam whimpered, throwing his head back even more. His hips were restless and the leg hooked around Sauli's thighs was squeezing Sauli more snugly against him. 

"Wasn't planning on doing that" Sauli murmured, tentatively licking over the reddening area. He ground down hard, gasping himself when he felt just how hard Adam was.

Sauli shifted Adam's thighs further apart and humped against him, keeping a steady rhythm. Adam reached down to grasp his ass and pulled him even closer. 

Not too long until a quiet, shuddering moan escaped Adam's mouth and his body slightly convulsed. Sauli stopped sucking on the skin, automatically glancing down between their bodies. 

" _Oh fuck_... I'm sorry..." 

"For coming?" Sauli asked softly, raising his head to see Adam's face, "Don't be"

He should never apologize for letting out such a beautiful moan and feeling blissed beyond belief. 

"Yeah, but... You might have had a different ending in your mind... " Adam mumbled, pushing Sauli off his body to which Sauli gladly obeyed. He didn't necessarily want to have his clothes get dirty too. 

"Well, I did say I was going to wait for three months" Sauli smiled, "Don't worry about it. You can get cleaned up" 

"But what about you?" Adam asked, "I can-"

"You don't have to. I know it's a nasty feeling to have- Yeah. I'll be fine" Sauli convinced, "You can take a shower if you want to"

Adam nodded, still looking painfully embarrassed. 

"Please, don't look like that" Sauli murmured, "Really, it's okay" 

"That's what they always say" Adam mumbled, "Yet they never mean it"

"Well, I do" Sauli smiled, "Go now so I get you back here sometime today"

~*~

Because of the runaway show on Sunday, Sauli has to go to the agency even though it was Saturday. He slept in with Adam and only started to get up around the mid-day.

While he goes to the agency, Adam will see Danielle. So Adam was already up, doing his make up in front of a mirror in Sauli's bedroom instead of the ensuite. Which Sauli appreciates because he will need it himself in a bit.

Sauli watched Adam tip his head and smile, fingers brushing over the very nasty looking hickey on his neck. Sauli was happy to see him smiling after last night. 

Because when he had showered the previous night, he was embarrassed for the rest of the evening. Maybe he realized that it's life. 

Stuff happens. You just got to deal with it. 

"You know, I was about to apologize for those but seeing you smile like that gave me second thoughts" Sauli smiled, rolling on his stomach to see Adam better, "Hickey kink, much?"

"Good morning to you too" Adam chuckled, "And no. It's not that... I just find it amusing that someone has given hickeys _to me_ "

"Why is that amusing?"

"I never thought I'd be hot enough for anyone to do so" Adam murmured and put the hairspray aside on a counter top. 

Sauli really wants to pull Adam out of that place. Adam needs to start seeing how hot he is. It's not easy to see yourself that way but at least understand how Sauli sees him. 

Sauli slid off the bed and went to kiss Adam on the cheek,

"You're very hot. I'm surprised you're still walking here, I was tempted to eat you entirely" 

Adam giggled, swatting Sauli's shoulder. Sauli just snickered, disappreating to the bathroom. 

As soon as Sauli was done with his morning activities, he drove Adam downtown to meet Danielle and then headed to the agency. The runaway show is a new project of his where he will have new models who can try their wings on the industry. Today is the last "audition" day. 

"So.... Having fun with our newest addition to the team?" Ashley smirked and nudged him on his side with her elbow when they were watching the models walk. 

"I don't know what you're talking about" Sauli said casually, eyes on the next girl and boy who walked on the runaway. Ashley took pictures of them but the smirk never left her face. 

"Okay. I almost believe in you" She said then and put her camera down after taking a few proper shots.

Sauli scoffed and wrote down the models' special features, strengths and weaknesses on his notebook. 

"I see you're blushingggg" Ashley teased, "Honestly though, I'm not the one to tell you what to do. Just don't scare him away, he's really good"

Sauli stopped writing and frowned,

"Why or how would I scare him away?"

Ashley shrugged,

"I don't know. He seems a little fragile. And you have a tendency to get really eager with new photoshoots and all"

With a slight nod of his head, Sauli thanked the models and welcomed the new ones.

"Just because I get eager doesn't mean I make him do them" Sauli pointed out, "Just focus on the show. These two look very nice"

"Nothing like Adam though. You could ask him to walk" Ashley said casually and started to take pictures again though she would probably much rather just gossip.

Sauli's eyes widened and he dropped his pen,

"You, my friend, are a genius. I'll ask him!" 

"What did I say about being too eager?" 

"I won't make him" Sauli chuckled, gathering his stuff "I'll ask him. I can persuade"

"You going now?? What about these models? What do I do?" Ashley asked, seconds away from panicking. 

"I trust in you. Choose three. Two girls and one boy" 

"And if Adam doesn't say yes, we have one boy less" She pointed out but Sauli was confident Adam will do it after some persuading. 

"Then I'll walk. See you later!"

When he managed to get out of the building and to the parking lot, he pulled out his phone, intention to call to Adam but he noticed Adam stand in front of his car already.

"You are back early" Sauli said to him, glancing at his watch and saw they were supposed to meet up in 20 minutes. He pecked Adam on the lips when he reached him. 

"Dani has always been quick with coffee" Adam smiled and pulled Sauli closer by his hips, "And she had a hairdresser appointment to go to. You should have seen her face when she saw my hickeys"

Sauli giggled,

"Did you tell them who made them?"

"Nope. Though I know I could trusr in her" Adam said and pressed their foreheads together.

“I got a little lost in the moment. And you were so desperate for my kisses" Sauli murmured, smiling when Adam's face went red, "But anyway, people seemed to know about us”

“Are you in trouble?”

“No. At least not yet”

Sauli brought their mouths together and kissed Adam's lips but only briefly.

"But I kind of thought", kiss, "that would you", kiss, "be a part of the runway show tomorrow?" Longer kiss.

Adam pulled away on that very second and placed his hands on Sauli's chest, gently pushing him further away so he could stop him from talking the nonsense.

Sauli only beamed at him.

"Please. I can teach you to walk and I promise to be in the front row supporting you. It's just a small show"

Adam squinted his eyes at him.

"You'd be wearing a design shirt, leather pants and the jacket will be different every time you step on the runaway. And the pants might also change. Please" Sauli begged and hugged Adam's bigger body, "I'll do anything you want"

"Blow me every day?"

Sauli made a strangled sound, reaching down to swat Adam's butt,

"Hush. We ain't there yet"

Adam smiled,

"When you will blow me though, I want it to be because you and I both wanted it... Not as a way to persuade me into something"

Sauli's cock twitched and he looked up. Adam said _when_. So he will eventually get to blow him.

Obviously, since they are dating, but you never know. Not everyone is into that. 

"And _when_ I will blow you, I will do it because I really like you" Sauli smiled and stroked Adam's sides, "But will you take a part of the show?" He asked.

Adam groaned and lift Sauli on the bonnet of the car, leaning close to his face. Adam's face was hot and as red as the car next to them due to the open blow job talk. 

"I really hate you" Adam murmured.

Sauli wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and smiled widely,

"You really like me, I believe. So?"

Adam sighed and nodded, pinching Sauli's arm.

"Okay. But in one condition"

"Anything"

"Let's go to your place and start practice  _now_ " Adam said in panic, making Sauli laugh. He got down from the bonnet and gently smacked Adam's ass.

"Move it then" He smirked and unlocked the doors of his car.

“Don’t boss me around” Adam muttered playfully when they got in the car, "Or I might cancel"

No, he won't. 

In a way Sauli believes there is a part inside of Adam that would enjoy being in front of so many pairs of eyes. He just has to dig it out of him.


	5. Underneath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli finds out something about Adam and also meets his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a lil longer, I've had a lot to do.   
> Also nothing much happens. Just kind of cute and silly and stuff before the next chap.

The show day had been a very exhausting day overall. Sauli felt relieved when the show time was finally there. 

"I feel sick" Adam said and turned towards Sauli who was browsing his emails on his phone. Sauli gave him an understanding smile,

"The queasiness disappears after you walk on that runway. Just remember what we talked about and you'll be fine" He gently said, really wanting to kiss Adsm but knew he couldn't do it under so many pairs of eyes. Instead he started to adjust Adam's jacket, "I trust in you with this. This is a huge thing for me"

Adam flinched,

"So no pressure"

Sauli just chuckled,

"All these models here are new. You're the last one who I think can screw up this thing"

Adam sighed and bent down, holding on to his knees. When Sauli used to get highly nervous or anxious before the shows, he used some beta blockers to calm himself down a notch. He doesn't have them anymore though and even if he had, he wouldn't dare to give them to Adam. 

"Relax. It'll be fine for sure" Sauli said and stroked his back, "And I'm not going to get mad even if something doesn't go according to plan. It's my choice to do this with new models"

Adam straightened up and nodded, exhaling,

"Okay"

"Okay" Sauli repeated, taking a final glance around the room before he loudly asked,

"You guys ready?"

"Yeah" came the answer from the models', make-up artists and assistants. 

Sauli then turned to Adam,

"You ready?"

"No" Adam wheezed and held onto his stomach.

"You kind of need to be" Sauli smiled, "It'll be fine. I'll go to the audience now but you're in good hands. See you after the show"

Adam nodded.

"Good luck" Sauli whispered, looking around to make sure nobody paid attention, then pecked Adam on the cheek.

Sauli left the backstage and informed the host that everything backstage was ready. She watched as Sauli went to his seat next to Ashley at the side of the catwalk, then stepped on the stage to start the show..

"Adam's the first one" Ashley told him and pointed at his name on her paper, "With the dragon jacket"

"Why did you put him first?" Sauli hissed, "He's already about to pee his pants and now he has to go _first_ "

"I didn't make the list! This was given to me by Tommy and I think the designer wanted to have something to say to it as well"

Sauli sighed. He was certain he was going to need the beta blockers himself again. 

"Look" Ashley said then, gingerly nudging him on his side, "There he is"

Sauli's head perked up. Adam was wearing the red Dragon jacket as it said on the list, leather pants and fancy boots. Sauli watched as Adam glanced around himself but it wasn't the insecure kind of look, he looked surprisingly confident. 

When he music got louder, he automatically started walking.

Sauli sagged on his seat. Adam was walking, and he was walking as perfectly as an amateur could. He had a good eye contact with the back wall, a tip Sauli had given him. His hips swayed just enough; not too much but they also weren't too stiff. 

Ashley ran to photograph Adam when he was posing at the end of the runway. Sauli had told Adam to give only a few poses, it's the problem of the photographers if they are not ready to take pictures.

Adam did exactly that, then started walking back. He dared to move his eyes enough to glance at Sauli who was grinning at him, his thumbs up.

"Damn, Adam. _Damnnn_ " Ashley giggled when she came back to her seat, "You've found yourself a piece of gold"

Sauli smiled,

"I know"

The next model who walked was the female who is the one that walks with Adam on the last number. Sauli picked her because her walk was good and her features were unique, but she was a little shorter than others.

"I will be very mad if you don't allow me to take pictures of him at some point" Ashley said.

"It's Adam's choice. He doesn't trust people when it comes to photoshoots. Or life in general, I believe"

Ashley sighed.

"I will let you know if he allows you to. But right now I just want him to trust in me"

Ashley glanced at him and smirked,

"Trust in you in what exactly?"

"In photographing, of course" Sauli said like it was obvious. He knows he ain't a good liar and was worried that Ashley sees through him. She might have already seen through him since she is always so sultry about Adam. 

"Okay. Maybe you'll get to photograph him naked some day" Ashley whispered casually, attention on the model on the runway.

"Shut up" Sauli hissed, glancing around himself to make sure no one heard her, "I don't do that" he added, blushing. 

Although that thought sounds very fascinating… Adam naked on the bed. No make-up, no clothes, just his natural beauty.

Ashley laughed.

"Okay. I really believe in you now when I saw your face" She said sarcastically and checked her papers again, "Adam's second walk is next"

Sauli glanced over at the beginning of the runway and saw Adam in a different clothing this time. He had a spiked leather jacket on, the same design shirt as before and tight black jeans instead of the leather pants.

Sauli's breath hitched just a little at the sight. Adam started walking, and he stripped off his jacket while walking, near the end of the runway, and threw it over his shoulder.

His legs looked so gorgeous; long and lean, and his eyes were intense. He looked like he was made for something like this. Made to be in front of people. 

Sauli knew it was there underneath his timid surface. Or he just has a great game face. Whatever it was, Sauli was insanely proud of him.

~*~

After the show Sauli pushed himself through the massive throng of people both in the hall and backstage. He was anxious to get to Adam and tell him how well he did tonight. 

He finally reached Adam's dressing room and stormed in, completely forgetting that he has been taught since he was a kid that you should _always_ knock. 

He really should have because he was in no way prepared for what he saw when he came in. The startled yelp went right past his ears because he was more focused on looking at Adam and his now un-covered abdomen.

It didn't really surprise him to see what he was seeing, he had had his doubts. But it was still clenching his heart to see it on display like that. 

There were red scarring all over the skin, going vertically, horizontally and even crossing one another. Some of them were nearly faded but majority of them were not. 

Adam on the other hand looked like a frightened animal, frozen in place and his breathing was labored. After what seemed like forever, he pulled a shirt over his head. 

"Adam-"

" _No_ " Came the panicked answer right away, "Don't say anything. Just let me leave, okay?" 

That's exactly what Sauli let him do because he didn't know what else he could do or say. Adam grabbed his coat from the chair and stormed past Sauli and out of the dressing room. 

Sauli stood still for a moment, just taking in what he had just seen. Then he turned around on his heels and followed Adam out. He didn't know where he could have went but he thought he has three options that are the most likely; Bathroom, out of the entire building or up in the rooftop. 

The roof came into his mind because he did the same after a show that he "screw up". Not all the buildings have access to the roof so it was something special, somewhere to be alone. Most likely, that is. 

He still checked the bathroom first. When he didn't find Adam there, he prayed he'd be on the roof because if he wasn't, there was no way he'd get a hold of him tonight or maybe not in days. 

Sauli crossed his arms when he stepped on the roof, the nigtly wind surprisingly chilly. He saw Adam sitting by the railing, feet hanging over the edge between the bars. 

"A point for me, I knew you'd be here" Sauli said, trying to sound as normal as he could, he didn't want this to become a huge number. 

No response, just a quiet sniff. 

Sauli sighed, carefully approaching Adam and sat next to him, sliding his legs between the bars too.

"The sun set pretty early tonight" He said casually, looking at the sky that only bloomed in orange colors in the very distant horizon, nearly disappearing behind the city. 

He didn't want to bring up anything Adam didn't want to so he just decided to stay quiet about it. But he wanted to show Adam that he was still _there_ and that he was not going to leave because of anything that he had seen. 

The quiet minutes that passed weren't necessarily unpleasant. Quite the opposite, really. The silence felt comforting, at least for Sauli, and rested lightly around them.

Sauli closed his eyes at one point, just letting the wind breezes touch his face. 

"I don't want to hear whatever you are going to say" Adam finally mumbled. 

"What do you think I'm going to say?" Sauli asked, opening his eyes and turned to look at Adam who still stared blankly ahead.

Adam shrugged. 

"I feel like I'm not going to say any of those things that you think I'm going to say" Sauli stated, "You hear me? You have nothing to worry about"

"Doesn't it shatter your perfectly glamorous world?" Adam asked, ignoring what Sauli had just said. His voice was still just a low, defeated grumble. 

"What exactly?"

"To have a boyfriend like me" 

The worst thing was that Adam was actually serious about it. 

"I'm not sure am I more hurt by the fact that you think my life is 'perfectly glamorous' or how you seem to think you being what you are or doing what you do could ever be a reason for me to not to be with you" Sauli said, slightly shaking his head in both disbelief and slight annoyance because Adam was being so ignorant, "Is that how you think of me?"

"I don't know" Adam whispered, finally turning his head to look at Sauli. His mascara was smudged and running down his cheeks. 

"Well, do I look like I'm leaving?" Sauli asked. 

Adam shook his head. 

"Right. So come here now" 

Adam snuggled to his embrace, holding on tight. Sauli rubbed his back, slowly up and down. He tightened his hold when Adam started shaking with quiet sobs.

"It's okay" He whispered, "It'll be alright"

He knows that's the last thing people want to hear in such situations but those are almost automatic words that come out. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked, carefully. 

"No" Adam said right away, but then added, "Not yet..."

"Okay. You don't have to. But shall we go back inside, it's quite chilly here" 

Adam nodded, slowly pulling away. Sauli got up first and reached out his hand for Adam to grab and pulled him up on his feet. Sauli didn't let go of his hand when they made their way back inside. 

Sauli led Adam to his office and straight into the storage room. He sat Adam on the couch and crouched before him, holding onto his knees as he looked up at Adam. Adam still avoided looking at him. 

"You know,,, This didn't surprise me nearly as much as you probably thought it would" 

"Why? Do I look like a person who likes to cut?" Adam asked bitterly, crossing his arms. 

"No. But I had this feeling that there was something going on after you wanted to take those photos from the storage room upstairs" Sauli admitted, "It doesn't change the way I look at you. You're still the same"

Adam looked like he had a hard time believing him.

"Can I see?" Sauli asked, whispering almost, like it was some big secret you shouldn't say out loud. 

"You already did" Adam grumpled, crossing his arms tighter around himself. 

" _Properly_ " Sauli whispered. Adam glanced at him for the first time since they came to the storage room, or more of like glared, his eyebrows were still burrowed together. Adam's eyes are quite intense even when he's relaxed so Sauli wasn't entirely sure what's going through his head now. 

"Why?" He asked. Such simple question but Sauli knew well enough it can cause more trouble than anything else. You have all the possibilities to go _so_ wrong with it. 

To be honest, Sauli didn't know exactly 'why'. He just wanted to see how bad Adam has hurt himself and possibly see when he has done it. He didn't really have time to figure it out when he saw the cuts earlier. 

_Because I feel like I'm kind of falling in love with you and I want to know what you have done to yourself_. 

Sauli got scared of his own thoughts. He can't talk about love after such a short time. 

"Because I care about you"

Adam sighed heavily, thinking. 

"Yeah, I- I suppose..."

"Come here" Sauli smiled, pulling on Adam's arms so he'd uncross them. He did, so Sauli pushed the hem of his shirt up and took it off entirely when Adam raised his arms. Sauli put the shirt aside and focused on all the bare skin right before his eyes. 

Sure there were the cuts. But there were also lots of freckles and some faint body hair which Sauli wanted to touch so bad. Adam made sure to sit as straight as possible and most likely even sucked in his stomach. 

From the corner of his eye, Sauli saw Adam's foot which was rapidly tapping against the floor. 

"It pains me to notice how uncomfortable you get when I see you like this" Sauli said, "You can put the shirt on if you want,,, but I wish you wouldn't because I was hoping me seeing you, naked or not, and you seeing me, would be one of those 'most natural' things we could possibly ever do"

"I'm sorry. It's nothing personal..."

"I know. But I'm the last person you should hide it from"

"You're also the only person whose opinion really matters" Adam said quietly.

"I think you have a beautiful body that I feel privledged to look at. I see the scars, yes, and I don't want to pretend that I know why they are there and you don't have to tell me now. But I wish some day you will" Sauli said and his fingers were itching to touch Adam. Even just ghost his fingers along his sides or tickle his belly button.

Adam only nodded, biting his lips together. 

"But whatever it is, don't let it build up inside you because I know that sooner or later it is going to break out all at once and then it's going to be even more painful" 

Sauli got rid of his own shirt, got on the couch next to Adam and pulled him close to him. He pulled a blanket over their bodies and sighed. The skin on skin contact was the most blissful feeling Sauli has felt in ages. 

Just a few quiet seconds and Adam was sobbing again. He didn't try to conceal it this time which Sauli was incredibly happy about.

"It's okay" He murmured, softly running his fingers through Adam's hair, "Just let it all out"

~*~ 

Four days after the fashion show, Adam told Sauli his mother now knows of him and Sauli dating, and now she wants to meet Sauli. Sauli was a little shocked at first, not believing Adam had told her about them considering they have what some might call "big age difference". Though it was not that big, Sauli has seen a lot bigger gaps. 

But Adam said she all but milked the information out of him. Said she can see it when he's hiding something. 

Sauli had no choice but to meet Adam's parents.

Sauli inhaled deep - letting the air reach every last bit of his lungs - and then he blew it out in one long exhalation. It's been a while since he has visited a partner's parents. 

He had completely forgotten how nerve-wracking it is. He could just run away, he thought to himself as he discreetly looked around himself while still sitting inside of his car, no one would notice. 

From the coner of his eyes, he saw the front door open and Adam's familiar figure appeared too. Sauli now scoffed at his own thoughts with a smile. Running away? Pfft. He could meet twelve fathers and mothers for that precious human being standing at the door in his black sweater and jeans. 

Sauli pulled his car keys out of the slot and stepped out his car.

"My mom counted five minutes before she told me to come and get you or it might take the whole day" Adam said with a big smile but which Sauli wasn't able to retun as widely just yet. 

"For your information, I was just about to get out" Sauli said as he walked up to the door and pecked Adam on the lips, "I just had to calm my nerves" he admitted.

"You don't have to be afraid of my parents" Adam said gently and pushed Sauli inside because his feet had once again gotten stuck on the ground, "I'm sure I am more scared than you" he sighed, closing the door.

"Why?" Sauli asked, kicking his shoes off his feet.

"It's _mom and dad_ " Adam whispered like he was afraid of being heard, "Dad tells embarrassing stories and I can only imagine what my mom has in her mind"

"In case she is wondering, I haven't stolen home yet" Sauli grinned just because he wanted to see the blush slowly cover Adam's cheeks. 

"Stop it" He hissed, "They don't need to know any of that. It's none of their business"

Sauli got serious then,

"No. But you're underage, so. I rather stay on the safe side"

Adam has said to him that his parents don't mind them dating. Sauli is only 5 years older than him and it's not like Adam is 15 or something. He's a few months away from 18 so it's not that bad. Adam, however, knows Sauli doesn't want to take any risks with his parents or co-workers. 

And if that means pretending they haven't done anything physical other than shared kisses and held hands, so be it. Ironically though no one is going to believe them, yet that is exactly the truth. 

Adam hasn't been able to tell Sauli about a few sore subjects yet which keep him from going any further.

Adam waited until Sauli had taken off his jacket and hung it on the rack, then he pulled him out of the hall and to the dining area where his parents were already waiting to give their judgment. 

"Mom. Dad. This is-"

"Sauli" They both said simultaneously, smiles on their faces, and reached out their hands to greet him. Sauli shook hands with the father, Eber, first, noticing he had a very strong grip and Sauli felt a prickle of nervousness run down his spine again. 

Adam's mom, Leila, was way softer but she was just as scary as Eber was, now that Sauli thought of it.

"So pleased to meet you so soon" Leila said, "We prepared some dinner. Adam told me you like spicy chicken so we worked with that" she added, tapping Eber on his chest when she passed him on her way to the kitchen, apparently to hint that she'll need help. 

"Did he now" Sauli said, glancing over his shoulder at Adam who shrugged at him innocently, "Well, you're the one who has to endure the consequences" he added, murmuring. 

"What consequences?" Came a male voice from the kitchen and if that didn't make Sauli's heart jump, nothing ever would. 

"Me being unable to stop talking about the amazing food" Sauli offered helplessly, tweaking Adam's side because he looked way too happy to see him squirming. Just _wait_ and it will be Adam who is squirming.

Adam giggled, making his way to the table and sat down, Sauli settling on the chair next to his. 

Adam's parents brought the dinner to the table and sat down opposite them. Sauli avoided looking at them at first but he somehow felt it in his spine that he was being stared at instead. 

"So... Sauli. What's wrong with you?" Eber asked, too seriously for Sauli's liking.

"Pardon me?"

"For going after a 17-year-old"

At the same time as Adam murmured a low " _Dad_ ", Leila swatted Eber's arm. 

"I'm only joking" He said like it should have been obvious.

"Tell us a bit about yourself, Sauli" Leila said then, more gentle than Sauli dared to expect, "We've heard a lot about you but it'd be nice to hear what you have to say"

Sauli told them what he'd tell anyone. When and why he moved to LA, what's his family like, what does he do on his free time and what not. Just very normal things. 

After going through his entire life story, Eber and Leila exchanged a look that Sauli found oddly unsettling. Like it was a secret language of theirs. Maybe they were judging Sauli right in front of him. 

Then Leila cleared her throat, lacing her fingers together on top of the table surface and looked at the table for a great while before looking up,

"Now that we got your background covered,,, we find that we really like you. You seem like a decent guy"

"Thank you" Sauli smiled. In his mind there was a but. That sentence could not go on without a but. 

"But..."

Sauli's eyebrows shot up briefly. See, there had to be a but.

"But?" Adam asked for him.

"But we have to make sure what's really going on" Leila said, "And we wanna make sure you are being safe"

"Mother!"

Sauli's spine suddenly felt like jelly and he felt like melting to a puddle. He _wished_ he could melt into a puddle.

"It's a legimate question" Eber defended, "We're not bothered by the age. Just Adam's safety"

Sauli wanted to face the conversation like the adult he was but he felt like another teenager. 

It was his turn to clear his throat. He focused on cutting the chicken on his plate when he replied;

"We haven't taken our relationship to a 'physical level'. But once that happens, I can assure you we are being safe" 

"Oh my god" Adam breathed, burying his face to his hands, "What did I do to deserve this?"

"If you're adult enough to do it, then you should be adult enough to talk about it" Leila pointed out. 

"Not _with my parents_ " Adam said and dropped his hands down, "It's none of your business. I can take care of myself"

"It's okay. You have caring parents. Nothing wrong with that" Sauli reassured. 

The atmosphere got light again in about 5 minutes. After the dinner Sauli asked to see Adam's old room.

"It's cute" Sauli grinned, looking around Adam's room. It was just a regular room of a young person. A narrow bed, some posters, papers on his desk and clothes scattered around the room. But it was still cute. 

"I didn't think you'd stay for longer than just dinner. Otherwise, I would have cleaned up" Adam said, embarrassed over his messy room and especially the old teddy bear which sat on the top shelf.

"Why bother? I'm more interested in you than your room anyway" Sauli said and walked up to Adam, grabbing his hips and kissed his jaw, "And the chili is really starting to kick in" he smirked, curling his hands around Adam and cupped his plush ass. 

Adam stepped backwards on every forward step Sauli took towards the bed. They lowered down on the mattress, moving until Adam's head was resting on the pillows. 

"This bed hasn't gotten any action before, right?"

Adam shook his head,

"No. Just me solo"

"That's hot" Sauli hissed, going back for Adam's lips.

It could as well be their imagination but every time Sauli eats something spicy, he indeed gets a bit more enthusiastic. His lips and tongue become more aggressive; savoring everything Adam has to offer. He was all but _licking_ into Adam's mouth. 

Adam whimpered in hunger. That tiny sound made Sauli that much aware of where they were. Though he gave a good impression to Adam's parents and they liked him, they still might not want to hear him screw their son. 

Before he could pull away by himself, Adam pushed him off. Well, not entirely, but he brought a finger on his lips to stop him from kissing him. 

"I want to take this further" He whispered, dropping his finger.

"Adam..." Sauli murmured, "I thought we agreed that-"

"You and I both know we're not going to wait that long" Adam pointed out, "Nobody would know anyway... Even my damn parents thought we were doing it"

"Ohhh, so it's okay to commit crimes as long as nobody finds out?" Sauli asked in a low tone, stealing another kiss. 

"Well, no. But I don't want you to go find it somewhere else..." 

Sauli raised his head, looking down at Adam more seriously than he probably ever has. 

"I'm not that kind person" 

"Then why can't we?" Adam nearly whined, curling his hand on the back of Sauli's head, "Don't you want it?"

"Of course I do. But it's not only about what I want" Sauli sighed and kissed the tip of Adam's nose. Adam sighed, pushing Sauli off so he could sit up. Ironic how Sauli is trying to do the right thing but he only ends up making things worse. 

There is nothing Sauli would rather do tonight than have Adam all to himself, ram him or be rammed through the mattress of the bed and maybe even the floor, and fall asleep in his arms afterwards. But the term "statutory rape" doesn't sound too appealing in his ears. 

"Adam... I need you to know and understand that it's not because I don't _want to_ " Sauli pressured. 

"I don't even know where you draw the line" Adam said, frustrated, "You already made me cum. Well, that was kind of an accident but still"

Yeah, there was that. If Sauli only knew it himself but he really, _really_ doesn't. In theory he knows how the law works but in his head it's not that simple. 

"Look, I- I haven't been certain about a lot of things in my life" Sauli confessed, looking at Adam to make sure he is even listening to him, "But I am certain about you. I know it sounds crazy because I haven't known you that long, but... You don't need to walk on a path for long to know whether it's for you or not"

The frustration on Adam's face faded though he tried to hide it. But Sauli could see it from his eyes. 

"I know you worry about what I think about your cuts but you have no reason to worry. When you throw yourself at me like a cat in heat, it takes everything in me not to tear your clothes off and have you in all the ways possible"

"Tell me more" Adam said, the challenge clear in his eyes now, and Sauli just knew he wanted to put Sauli in agony on purpose. 

"You wanna know more, huh?" Sauli repeated. He shifted closer to Adam until he lay back down on the bed, "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"

Adam blinked innocently. 

"Well, to begin with,,, I'd get you naked from head to toe" Sauli murmured to Adam's neck, "I'd touch and kiss every bit of your naked skin"

He gingerly sucked on the sensitive skin of Adam's neck, something he already knows Adam loves. The more he thought of doing all those things with Adam, the more he understood that waiting for three months would be the hardest thing in his life. 

Of course he would wait if that's what Adam wanted. But when Adam so excitedly throws himself at him, it's a struggle to say no thank you. 

"And?" Adam asked, when Sauli had been quiet for a while.

"Are you absolutely sure about it? Is that what you _really_ want?" Sauli asked, raising his head.

Adam nodded, staring into Sauli's eyes. 

"More than anything"

Sauli made an incoherent sound, something between a groan and moan, burying his face back to Adam's neck. 

"You know you're special when I'm considering breaking the law for you" He murmured, gently biting Adam's neck and pulled the skin between his teeth like an animal which made Adam both squeak and laugh. 

_No one will know_.

"But" Sauli started, "I'm not going to do the deed with you in your parents' house"

"Fair enough"

"Will you come to my place tomorrow after work?" Sauli asked. 

"Yeah" Adam beamed, looking all giddy and satisfied with his life as he wrapped his arms around Sauli's shoulders, "I will"

Sauli pecked him on the lips before he pushed himself up. 

"But I gotta go now. I have some paper work to do tonight" He said, though he would much rather stay with Adam. 

"Okay" Adam smiled and pushed himself up as well, "I'll walk you out"


	6. Breaking the law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli and Adam take it a bit further in the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ughh sorry for the delay again. I've had school assignments to do because obviously I always leave everything on the very last second, so.   
> I should have just become a stripper.

Sauli has never driven home so fast after work. He stopped by the store to grab condoms just in case the ones in his drawer has expired. It's been a while since he has had a situation happening.

Once he got back home, he yelled for Adam. The reply came from the bedroom. Sauli coudn't kick the shoes off his feet fast enough and rush to the bedroom. He saw Adam sitting on his bed, examining a condom. He almost expected Adam to be sprawled out on the bed. 

For a second Sauli thought he had gone to a store too to get protection. 

"These have expired" Adam informed.

"Yeah, I thought so. That's why I bought new ones" Sauli said and tossed the packet on the nightstand. He got on the bed and crawled to Adam, "I couldn't stop thinking about you today" he murmured, and the hot puff of his breath made Adam seemingly that much nervous. 

Sauli added,

"Well, I can never stop thinking about you actually but today in particular... Was even more challenging"

Adam attempted to smile but failed miserably. Sauli didn't miss that but he thought Adam was just nervous and highly anticipating. Sauli kissed Adam's neck and murmured against his skin,

"I could-", kiss, "Just-", kiss, " Eat you up", longer kiss. 

"Then why don't you?" Adam whispered. 

"Oh, I will" Sauli said, pushing Adam down on his back, "I so will"

Sauli's tongue swiped over his neck, over the particulary sensitive spot. Adam hugged his head to his neck and bore more of his throat to him, soft sighs pouring out as Sauli sucked on his skin. 

Sauli ground his hips down against Adam, loving the strangled sound that escaped those luscious lips. He slid his mouth off Adam's neck and went in for a kiss, sucking the plump lower lip between his own. 

Adam wasn't so hesistant with his kisses anymore and Sauli got a massive kick out of it. There was more power in them, more confidence. To Sauli, that was such a big turn on. 

Adam's fingers were still tangled in his hair and he gently scratched his scalp before tugging on the long locks. Sauli groaned quietly, hips pushing down forcefully. 

"Touch me..." Adam whispered in the kiss. 

"I am?" 

"Nono, I mean like- _there_ " Adam added. 

_Right_. There. Sauli cleared his throat and raised his head to look at Adam. There was the familiar blush on his cheeks and on the tip of his nose. 

"You sure?" Sauli asked, nosing Adam's hot cheek. Adam only nodded but that was all the answers Sauli needed.

His hand found the waistband of Adam's pants and dove in without hesitation. Adam looked down now too, biting his lip, and reached down to help Sauli pull his dick out of his pants. 

Sauli couldn't stop staring. 

He was holding Adam's erect, flushed and beautifully curved cock in his hand. The head was pretty shade of pink and the tip was glistening with pre-cum even after such short make out session. Sauli swiped his thumb over the wet tip, which made Adam's breatg hitch and his cock twitch. 

Sauli smacked his lips in hunger, mostly subconsciously. He wanted to taste all of that _so_ bad it twisted his insides. 

Adam put his slightly shaky hand on top of Sauli’s and started moving his hand slowly up and down the shaft. The drag was dry underneath Sauli's hand but considering the shifts in Adam's breath, it didn't bother him too much. Which was understandable; Sauli still remembers what it was like to have someone touch your dick for the first time. 

It had felt perfect. Even when it probably wasn't.

Sauli still flicked his wrist at the head every time to smear the pre-cum on the shaft and make the slide a little slicker. 

"Before you get too enthusiastic," Adam interrupted, his voice hoarse, "I know I said I want to take things further, but- But I didn't necessarily mean like,,, _all the way_..."

Sauli raised his head. He already had a feeling in his guts that Adam might not be ready to go 'all the way'. It's amazing how well he already knows Adam and recognizes it immediately if he's more tense than normally.

"Okay" Sauli said simply, "What is in your mind then?"

"Well... I was thinking of,,, you know. Touching places and- Some,,, mouth stuff"

"Touching places, huh?" Sauli asked, more of like murmured, slowly dragging his hand from the base of Adam's cock to the tip, "And mouth stuff?"

Adam nodded, struggling to keep his eyes open when Sauli stroked his dick. Well, touching places and mouth stuff sounds perfectly enough for Sauli. 

"Also, uh- ... I haven't done it before" Adam confessed, his face burning red, "Not even the second base stuff because of certain reasons, so... I can't say I'd be much to look forward to" 

Okay, so no pressure, Sauli thought. He really wants to be good for Adam especially now since he'll be his first sexual experience. Sauli smiled lovingly, petting Adam's cheek with his fingers,

"That's okay. I wasn't much of a home stealer back at school either" He added with a small frown, "I got to the first base, waited there. Then to the second, waited again. Then to the third, started running and immediately turned back because I chickened out. And then I finally stole home"

"Is it bad that I don't know if you are still talking about sex or actual baseball?" Adam asked with a frown.

Sauli snickered, 

"Both, to be honest" He said, then got serious again, "In all seriousness, we'll go with your pace, okay?"

Adam nodded,

"Okay"

"Do you have any,,, fears? Or expectations?" Sauli asked, suddenly much more aware that he was still touching Adam's dick so he reluctantly let go. 

"Out of all the parts on my body,,, that specific one is not something I feel insecure about" Adam said with a humorless chuckle, and to Sauli's surprise, he pulled his underwear back up and covered that beautiful cock Sauli was already very fond of, "I'm just not sure if I can use it right.. What if I'm just... Really bad? Like the worst lay of your entire life?" 

Sauli sighed, patiently but still a little frustrated, and gazed into Adam's eyes,

"When you do something for the very first time,,, play an instrument or learn a language, are you immediately an expert at it?" Sauli asked, now cupping Adam's face between his both palms.

"Well, no, but-"

"We do it when you're ready. Besides, you could never be a bad lay. I'm the one who is teaching you after all" 

At that Adam chuckled, swatting Sauli's bicep. Sauli grinned, stealing a quick kiss from Adam. 

"So I can blow you, eh?" He asked then. 

The color on Adam's cheeks started to resemble a tomato which Sauli found oddly adorable. It was something about Adam's slight uneasiness. 

"Yeah, if you- If you want to" Adam said quiely. 

"I do" Sauli whispered, pushing himself up and sat back on his heels between Adam's knees, "But first your shirt. Please?"

After a couple of hesistant seconds, Adam nodded and pushed himself up too. Sauli grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head once Adam raised his arms. 

Sauli smiled sweetly and removed his own shirt as well. Adam's eyelids were noticably heavy when he eyed Sauli's naked abdomen.

"How are you so gorgeous... So fit. And I'm just-"

"Shh" Sauli hushed before Adam would finish such non-sense, "You're so beautiful"

Sauli pushed Adam back on the bed and settled between his gaped knees. He was probably panting more than Adam though he wasn't the one who's underwear was being pulled lower. He has just been fantasizing about this for so long it feels surreal to actually get to do this. 

Sauli mouthed Adam's belly, going lower and lower until he could practically feel the warmth of his cock radiate against his cheek. He pulled on the elastics, inhaling deep when he saw the reddish pubic hair. 

"I haven't even- If I had known what you prefer, I would-"

"Don't ever sweat it. You're sexy no matter what you decide to do. Besides,,, I like natural" Sauli murmured, nosing the line of hair leading down to the body part Sauli feels almost afraid to pull out again. Which is ridiculous, considering he has done it more than just a few times with plenty of other people, but this was _Adam_. This was his first time getting his dick sucked and Sauli wanted it to be so good for him. 

He noticed the wet spot on Adam's underwear and he let out a strangled, lusty sound, latching his lips on the said spot to taste the sweet, yet so salty flavor of _Adam_. Adam moaned in surprise, hips jumping off the bed. 

"God" He stuttered, fidgeting, "Do I taste-"

"You taste so damn good" Sauli hissed, finally reaching out to finally pull Adam's cock out again. He saw it just a few seconds ago but it was different so up close. It's really not that poetic when you see someone up close like this and Sauli has never really considered anyone's dick  _pretty_  but Adam's totally was.

His pubes were more copper colored than Sauli would have guessed at first and it was most definitely sexy.

Sauli wrapped his fingers around the shaft and slowly stroked from base to the head mouth hovering over the tip. Adam was biting his lip and staring down between his legs in curiosity. The warm breeze of Sauli’s breath against the wet tip made his body feel restless.

Sauli closed his mouth around the head, applying a little bit of pressure with his lips, and sucked. A shuddering breath escaped Adam's lips and he let his head drop down on the pillows.

Sauli wrapped his hand around the still exposed shaft and stroked it whilst sliding his lips up and down. Adam was so well equipped that he would not be able to put it all into his mouth. At least not without some practice. 

Though he'd be glad to practise any time, any place. 

Adam seemed happy with what he was receiving now, though. When Sauli glanced up at Adam's face, he saw that he was biting back his beautiful sounds and that was so not okay to Sauli. He slid his mouth off the cock with an obscene, wet smack,

"Don't hold back, I want to hear your beautiful sounds" Sauli whispered, and flicked his tongue around the head, really paying attention to the sensitive spot on the underside. 

Adam dropped his hands on top of Sauli’s head and his fingers sunk into the blonde curls. Sauli moaned, really enjoying all the sensations it was giving him and wow, he never thought he would develop a 'thing' for hair play. 

Adam let his lips fall open so every blissed sound could pour out freely. 

Sauli smirked, glancing up at Adam’s face again. He moved lower to kiss Adam's balls, then gave a long lick from the base to the very tip, feeling the veins pulse against his tongue. Sauli held Adam's cock up and kissed the head affectionately.

Adam shuddered and tightened his hold in Sauli’s hair. The best possible satisfaction Sauli could get is knowing that Adam is enjoying it. 

"Tell me how you feel" Sauli whispered, holding Adam’s cock against his lips, rubbing them against the tip like he was applying lip gloss.

Adam hissed and tried to thrust himself back inside the warm hug of Sauli’s mouth but Sauli resisted, smirking smugly.

"Answer me first, I wanna hear you say it"

Adam groaned,

“Feels fucking amazing I’ve never been so turned on in my entire life so please keep going" 

Sauli smirked, pleased. He grabbed Adam’s thighs and threw his legs over his shoulders as he sank back down, sucking him into his mouth enthusiastically.

While bobbing his head up and down, he caressed and rubbed Adam’s thighs.

Adam dared to open his eyes to look down and see Sauli between his bent, spread legs. Adam's cock jumped at the sight. Sauli felt it and he hummed, tightening his lips around him.

“Can you touch yourself for me?" Adam asked, voice a little shaky. 

Sauli didn’t stop doing what he was doing, he just obeyed, sliding his hand down his body to pull out his erected dick and started jacking himself off. 

Sauli tasted Adam's pre-cum on his tongue more strongly now, oozing from the tip into his mouth. Adam's body was starting to squirm restlessly and the sounds falling from his lips were plain _delicious_. 

"I'm close..." 

Sauli pondered whether to pull away or not. Considering it's kind an acquired taste to have in your mouth and he hasn't had any in a very long time. 

He still decided on the latter and just tightened his lips around Adam's cock, sucking harder. Adam softly thrust his hips up towards the heat of his mouth and Sauli pressed his other hand on his hipbone in case his body convulses and surprises him. He doesn't want to get caught off guard or he might bite down in reflex. 

Not the kind of first time experience he'd like Adam to have, so.

"If you're going to pull away, then you ought to do it now..." Adam croaked, tugging on Sauli's hair, but Sauli just moaned in protest and lowered his lips as far down along Adam's shaft as he could without gagging. 

Adam's thighs clamped around his head and Sauli felt the hot cum flood into his mouth in several spurts. He pulled away when he felt like he couldn't take any more into his mouth, but kept storking the shaft to milk all of it out. 

He let the rest dribble down Adam's cock and onto his fingers. He swallowed what he had in his mouth, surprised that it took a little bif of effort. It really has been too long. Then he leaned down to lick Adam's dick and his own fingers clean. 

When his tongue touched the sensitive section under the head, Adam's body jerked and he pushed Sauli off. Sauli kissed his belly instead and crawled up, going in for a kiss but Adam turned his head before their lips could touch.

Sauli smiled though he felt a bit taken aback, nosing Adam's cheek,

"No kiss for me?"

Adam turned his head, his eyes still looking heavy and darker than usually,

"I don't know if I should... Was it- Was it terrible?"

"Your taste?"

Adam nodded, suddenly looking very vulnerable. 

"No" Sauli frowned. It had had a bit of a distinct taste but Adam doesn't need to know that. More importantly, it wasn't bad at all. And just the fact that it was Adam made it a lot better. 

Sauli leaned back close, stopping before bringing their lips together to give Adam a chance to protest. He didn't, so he leaned in for a brief, sweet kiss. 

He pulled away after a few seconds,

"So?"

"Not as bad as I imagined" Adam admitted, "I mean it's kind of hot to taste myself on your tongue..."

Sauli grinned, stealing another kiss that was also short because of Adam pulling away this time. 

"What about you? I mean should I blow you? I can't promise that I'll be any good..."

"Don't worry about it now" Sauli reassured, grabbing Adam's hand and brought it down his body, wrapping his fingers around his hard-on, "You can use your hand"

~*~

"Have you gotten laid?" Ashley asked Sauli the next day when she brought new portfolios to Sauli's office. Sauli's eyebrows shut up in surprise and from the corner of his eyes, he could see Adam's head perk up too.

"No" Sauli frowned with an awkward chuckle, "What makes you think that?"

Techinally, they didn't steal home, but maybe some would still say he got laid. In some way. 

"I don't know" Ashley admitted, "There's just something in your look. In your eyes and face. Like a glow" 

"I have no idea what you're talking about" Sauli convinced but he could see Ashley wasn't buying it. She put the portfolios on his desk without another word, only a sultry smile on her face. Sauli saw the look she gave to Adam's direction as well. Adam quickly returned to his task which was sorting out some old files. 

Sauli ignored Ashley's remarks and just opened the portfolio,

"Wow. Who is he?"

"Austin. 19-year-old boy from downtown" Ashley replied, raising on her toes to peek at the photo Sauli was watching, "Thought you might like him"

"Hell yes" Sauli said and turned the page, seeing another stunning shot of what the industry would call 'a perfect body', "His hair and those cheek bones. And very nice abs. I don't even need to see more. Contact him and tell him to come over for an interview"

Ashley nodded excitedly, dashing out of the room. Sauli glanced at Adam who had a weird look on his face. It didn't take long for Sauli to figure out what was up.

"Babe?" He called out suspiciously, "Everything alright?"

"So you liked him, huh?" Adam asked.

"From professioal point of view, yes" Sauli said, "But not the way I like you. And your legs in those leather pants. Where did you get them?"

"Don't change the subject" Adam frowned, raising his head and shot Sauli a look that was unnecessarily upset. 

Sauli sighed, 

"Come here. This instant, please"

Adam got up from his spot and came to him, his arms crossed over his chest. Sauli pulled his arms straight,

"Are you jealous?"

"No"

"Really? I think you are" Sauli cooed and plaid with Adam's fingers, "You don't have to be jealous at all"

"I'm not jealous" Adam insisted, tugging his hands free from Sauli's hold and crossed his arms again. 

" _As if_ " 

"I'm not jealous, I'm sad" Adam said, his voice louder than usually. Sauli's eyes softened and he stood up, watching as Adam's eyes started to water. 

"Hey,,, Why are you sad?" He asked softly, stroking Adam's arms.

"Because I'll never be like like that... God knows I've tried" Adam murmured, swallowing heavy, "I don't know why it's not working"

Sauli has felt like Adam has issues that are bigger than what he is able to help him with but he was hoping he'd be wrong. Obviously most people have troubles accepting their bodies but considering Adam is _obsessed_ with the idea of a perfect body and he has self-harmed, it's starting to give Sauli some unsettling feeligs inside. 

"You're perfect to me the way you are" Sauli said because it was all he could think of, "And I mean it"

"You're only saying that because it's me" Adam whispered, "If I was some random person you didn't know, you wouldn't see my body like that"

"No. I'm saying it because it's true" Sauli convinced and pulled Adam into a gentle hug, "Is there something heavy on your heart?" 

"Yes" 

Sauli didn't expect such a blunt, honest answer. Now that it came, he didn't know how to react. 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked carefully. 

"You have work to do,,, so not now"

Sauli could snatch an hour to have an important conversation with Adam if it came down to that. But Adam most likely just wanted to use it as an excuse. 

"Okay... But you know I'm here for you whenever you need me?"

Adam nodded,

"I know" 

"Are you up to another photo shoot?" Sauli asked when he pulled away from the hug. He wiped Adam's cheeks with his thumbs. 

"When?"

"Today. Somewhere far away from the city"

Adam sighed, the smallest smile on his lips,

"Okay. I can try"

~*~

Sauli took Adam to a peaceful field in the middle of nowhere to minimize the risk of somebody passing by.

"Someone is going to see!" Adam squeaked, when he lowered his pants. 

"Nobody is going to see. I've done thousands of photoshoots in here" Sauli convinced, cleansing the lense of his camera while Adam undressed, "The faster we have this wrapped, the faster we can get back to the office"

"Easy for you to say, you ain't naked in the middle of long ass grass full of insects"

Sauli snickered and put the camera down for a moment, walking up to Adam to set his hair the way he wanted it to be. 

"I'll get naked for you later tonight if you wanna stop by at my place" He winked and started to set Adam's hair. 

"I promised my mom I'd go home to have dinner" 

"Then after the dinner?" Sauli asked, his tone almost pleading, and he we wrapped his arms around Adam's neck. 

Adam pursed his lips and squinted his eyes at him,

"I dunno. Mom says she'd like to see me around more than just an hour at a time"

"I do too!" Sauli squeaked. 

Adam gave him a look,

"You literally see me every day for at least 4h because we work at same place"

"That's hardly enough" Sauli insisted playfully. He made sure to not sound too serious about it or Adam might actually take him seriously. Adam chuckled, pressing their foreheads together. 

Once Adam's smile faded, Sauli just staid quiet. It felt like one of those moments when you realize just how precious life actually is. Not always so perfect but this moment was very close of being it. 

Sauli unwrapped his arms around Adam's neck and instead laced his fingers together over the small of his back, sighing blissfully.

"Suddenly I'm very aware that I'm naked" 

Sauli chuckled and moved his hands again, touching the bare skin of Adam's back all the way up to his shoulder blades. 

"I'm very aware of that" He murmured, "I like how you feel"

"I thought you wanted to take pictures" Adam pointed out with a small smile. Sauli hummed, pulling away with a struggle. He made sure Adam's hair is still perfectly and he got back on his photographing spot.

Adam standing naked in the middle of grass that barely reaches high enough to cover his crotch... Definitely a blessing to the eyes. His hair was down, just falling naturally, and he only had a layer of foundation on his face because Sauli really wanted to bring out his natural beauty. 

"I have an itch below the equator" Adam declared after Sauli had snapped a few frames. 

"You can scratch without telling me. Just keep that face" He said with an amused chuckle. 

Sauli moved a few steps to the right to get a different angle on the photos. This way he really brought up the power of the current ambience.

"Look up a bit. Then turn your head to the right" Sauli guided, Adam following his instructions, "No so much,,, Yes, hold it there. Perfect"

Adam has gotten more comfortable on camera regardless of only having little experience. Adam's strength was definitely his ability to bring up different faces and express emotions with it.

Besides, Adam was a beautiful piece of pure art. He doesn't need to do much to look perfect when he's posing.

"Such a pretty boy you are" Sauli sighed in awe, letting his camera down, "Now,,, let's move there on the shorter grass and you will lay down" he said and pointed towards the patch of grass that wasn't growing so high.

Adam still looked shy walking around all naked. He looked like he didn't know what he should do with his hands; cross them over his abdomen or protectively place them over his package. 

Sauli watched as he sat down on the grass, eyeing the ground for possible bugs.

"Get on your back" Sauli said and walked closer to Adam, standing with his feet on both sides of Adam's hips. He nudged Adam's hand away from his crotch with his foot.

"I won't photograph anything 'below the equator'" He convinced with a smile, "I just need your arms up over your head"

When Adam brought his hands up, Adam couldn't help but glance down. A dark shade of copper colored hair was sprouting around the flaccid cock which lay snugly on his balls. 

Sauli  _really_  appreciated the sight.

"Look right here, and watch the camera like you want it to fuck you"

Sauli soon realized it was a mistake to let Adam look at him through the camera like that. His hands almost started to tremble when Adam stared at the flashing camera like he was physically craving for it.

"Jesus" Sauli breathed out, feeling the blood rush through his veins. Adam smirked and licked his lips, tracing his tongue slowly along his upper lip."

Sauli shuddered and tried to steady his shaking hands. He wanted Adam to be sexy but he ain't filming a porn scene. 

Adam turned his head to both sides; first the right and then the left.

"Perfect. One more set. Get up and put on your pants" Sauli said and browsed through the photos he had just taken. He expected Adam to get up and going but when he saw him from the corner of his eye, he was still lying still on the grass.

Only now he was on his tummy, eyeing the grass closely.

"There's a lonely little lady bug in here" He informed.

Sauli was so not paying attention on the said lady bug but to Adam's exposed ass. He really wanted to capture that with a camera but didn't want to invade Adam's personal space like that.

He agreed to frontal photos, not his backside.

Though Sauli would really appreciate a photo of Adam's ass in his drawer. He could fantasize burying his cock between those firm cheeks. Or how he would spread them apart and expose Adam's twitching hole.

Sauli shuddered, suddenly feeling hot. 

Adam finally got up and went to grab his jeans from where he had dropped them earlier and pulled them on without bothering to put his briefs on..

“Leave the fly open and come back here” Sauli said. 

Adam walked up to the spot where Sauli wanted him to be in and waited for more instructions from him.

“Take a few steps to the left”

“Mine or yours?”

“Yours. Like always” Sauli smiled. Sauli looked through his camera again, but it still didn’t look the way he wanted it to look like.

He pursed his lips and pondered for a minute, rubbing his chin.

He wants the sunset to be in the picture but he doesn’t want it to be the main focus. He needed to have Adam in the golden ratio.

“I could stand in its way? It would only bring up my silhouette but wouldn't that look kinda cool?”

When Sauli glanced at him with a serious face, Adam quickly dropped his gaze,

"Sorry. You do the artistic thinking"

“Nono, it's not a bad idea at all. But the shine is still so bright that you would melt into the picture and I couldn’t bring up the seduction of your open fly" Sauli said then, “Good idea really. But it should be taken a little later when the shine ain't so bright anymore”

Suddenly Sauli had the idea,

“You need to lay back down. That way the long grass gives you a ‘cover’ from the sun but some of the light still gets to touch your body” He said, suddenly excited again, “Lay down just next to that long grass near that big-ish rock I can stand on top of”

Adam did as he was told by Sauli and lay down to the said spot. Sauli nodded approvingly and walked closer. He looked at Adam through the camera lenses again and hummed, pleased.

“This is better” He said and put his camera on the ground. He set Adam's hair again, wiped off the pieces of grass that had gotten stuck on his skin, then started fumbling with his belt and fly.

He pulled the fly more open just enough to reveal some of his pubic hair and made sure the belt looks good and doesn’t point awkwardly towards the East and West.

Sauli looked like he was solving a very difficult puzzle or task. Adam jumped slighly, his breath hitching when Sauli gently squeezed his dick through his pants.

“Couldn’t resist” He smirked and got up, returning to his camera. Sauli had to stand on top of the rock since he was too short to shoot from the angle he wanted without any lift.

"Seduce me"

Adam only needed to use his eyes to seduce him. It did all the seduction Sauli wanted and needed. Sexy and simple but not too over the top.

He snapped a few photos, satisfied with the way they looked.

"Could I have a few private shots for me to jerk off to?”

Adam rolled his eyes at him with a smile. 

"And what do I get in return?" He asked. 

"Anything you want" Sauli smirked, knowing that Adam wouldn't ask for anything he couldn't deliver. 

"Okay, then. How do you want me?" 

"Touch yourself?"

Adam bit his lip, thinking. Sauli wouldn't force him into it but he still secretly hoped Adam would say yes. Turns out he did, since he slid his hand down his stomach and inside the open fly of his jeans.

Sauli smiled, pleased, captured everything he was seeing. Adam's face, his body and the seductive hand moving in his pants. 

"What are you thinking about?" Sauli asked, murmuring.

"The night before yesterday" 

"Mm. What about it?" 

"I think you know" Adam said quietly, his cheeks flushing. 

"I don't. Enlighten me" Sauli teased. He got down from the rock and put his camera securely on the ground. He scooted over Adam’s body, hands on the both sides of his head and knees on the sides of his hips. 

"Hi" He grinned.

"Hey"

Sauli leaned down to kiss the side of Adam's neck,

"Thank you. All the photos look amazing. And you're talking about the blow job, right?"

"Obviously" Adam mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not my proudest one but welll. Gotta cut yourself some slack every now and then.


	7. Touch, make love, taste you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex. It's basically all sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who enjoy porny things.

Sauli has been incredibly busy at work for the past two weeks, planning the upcoming runaway show. After his days at work, he has been too tired to even think about anything else but his own bed. And he could see the effect it had on Adam.

He became more distant, not as affectionate and always went home after work without even asking Sauli if he could come to his place or if he wanted to come to his. Sauli promised both himself and Adam that right after the current meeting, he'll have some time off with Adam.

Adam wasn't part of the meeting, but since photos were being looked at, he wanted to be there. Sauli didn't want him to come, to be quite honest, since some of his co-workers can be really harsh with their feedback. Even if it's not personally directed at Adam, Sauli has a feeling that he would still take it that way. 

They went through all the latest pictures and the same things kept coming up with everyone. The body shape and facial fracture and features. But also the angles and the amount of photoshop that has to be used. Especially Brian, who usually does the editing and promoting, was especially harsh with his feedback. 

Adam listened to it for a while before he left the room, trying to be as un-noticable as possible but of course Sauli noticed. Once the meeting was over, Sauli gathered his stuff quickly.

"You saw Adam was at the back. You didn't have to be so 'brutally' honest" Sauli pointed out. 

"Nobody asked him around. You know we go through the photos and note things down so we can do better as a team. It's nothing personal" Brian defended himself. 

"It gets personal when you make sure to stress the editing efforts on _Adam's_ photos over and over again" Sauli said and grabbed his bag and jacket, "There's no need to act like a complete A-hole to a 17-year-old boy who is just trying out his wings in the industry"

"Life is tough. One of the first things you need to learn is how to take critisism" 

" _Constructive critisism_ " Sauli hissed, "Not personal insults" 

With that Sauli left the meeting room and made his way to his own office where Adam most likely were. He wasn't wrong, Adam had slithered to the storage room. Sauli usually hates seeing people so openly lounge at work but he understood why Adam was upset. And he is entitled to have his breaks, so.

But even more than lounging, he hated to see Adam pinch and pull on the healthy cushion of his stomach. 

"Hey" Sauli said quietly, closing the door. All he got for an answer was a short hum. 

"Brian went over the top back there" Sauli said, sitting on the couch next to Adam's feet and pulled Adam's hand close, lacing their fingers so he'd stop the judgemental poking of himself, "Don't get too attached to what he said"

"It's a little hard not to" Adam confessed, "He wasn't wrong, you know"

"Yes, he was" Sauli insisted, squeezing Adam's hand, "Don't let it get to you. He was way out of line"

"Mm. I think it was just a bad timing overall. I'll be fine" Adam said quietly, sitting up and brought his knees close to his chest. 

"How come?" Sauli asked, "You can talk to me, remember? That's what boyfriends are for" 

A crooked smile appeared on Adam's face but it didn't stay on his face nearly as long as Sauli wished. 

"I'm not used to having someone to talk to" 

"Haven't you always had Danielle?" 

"Yeah... But she has had enough shit to deal with without me pouring my crap down on her. And lately you've been too busy to see me as well, so" 

Sauli was certain Adam had the basic "feeling very un-loved and un-important to everyone"- set in his mind right now and he really wanted to fix it. Tonight he will make some time for Adam, he has to. And he really _wants_ to.

"I'm sure that's not how she sees it" Sauli convinced, "And that's not how I see it either. I know I've been busy with planning the upcoming show but the preparations are almost done. So I'll have a free night tonight,,, if you just have me. And my company"

"I don't want you to make time for me just because you pity me and feel guilty for what was said in the meeting" Adam said, scrubbing off his nail polish. 

Sauli sighed, 

"Don't be like that. I genuinely want to spend the night with you now that I have time and energy to do so"

"So I'm energy-consuming?" Adam asked and to Sauli's mind, he sounded like an upset, pouting child. He kind of understood him though, he'd feel upset nedglected too if Adam wouldn't have given him any affection or attention in two weeks. Well, they have shared hugs and kisses and went for a lunch together but they have all been rushed. 

Adam's not energy-consuming the way he probably thinks he is but Sauli tends to get cranky when tired and stressed, and he rather doesn't put it all on Adam, considering their relationship is still so new. Even if it wasn't, he doesn't want to bring his work into his personal life. 

So now that he has gotten a proper rest, he happily can spend the night with Adam. 

"Well,,, that really depends on what we're doing" He murmured, wanting to lighten the mood a bit. The look Adam gave him made him nervous as first, it was still just as serious as before. But soon the other side of his mouth twitched up and it was all Sauli really needed to know he was alright. 

It wasn't one of those sad smiles you desperately end up giving when you're upset and can't pull a full smile on, it was more of a smirk and it showed in his eyes too. So you could say it was the sparkle in his eyes that really gave him in.

Sauli opened his arms, as if to say 'I'm sorry if you've been feeling neglected but I am here now, please accept my apology'. Adam's smirk turned to a full smile and he toppled over to accept the embrace. 

"I thought you-" Adam started but let his words fade, "Nevermind"

Sauli wanted to ask what but didn't, instead he gently scratched the back of Adam's scalp. Now that he thinks of it, this would have probably been the best stress reliever during the past weeks. Just going back home and straight to bed just like he did, but only he would have had Adam with him for cuddling. 

"So I can come to your place after work?" Adam asked.

"If you only want to"

"I want to" Adam said quietly, "There is another thing I also want" 

Sauli's ears all but stirred. 

"I'm listening" He murmured, giving Adam a one last squeeze before pulling away. Adam let his hands drop on Sauli's thighs and he bit his lip, looking down at where his hands were before looking up into Sauli's eyes. 

"I've had a lot of time to think during these few weeks. And get used to certain ideas and things" 

"Mm hm?" 

Sauli really liked where this was going. As long as Adam doesn't say he wants to move in with him, he's fine. 

"I've always had really hard time accepting my body and the way I look and I have to admit this industry haven't exactly made it any better" 

Now Sauli grew more nervous. He hates the idea of Adam feeling bad about himself because of the surroundings.

"And?" He asked, trying not to sound too nervous.

"And you've made it all a bit more bearable. With everything you do. It takes a long time for me to let people in and I tend to close the door again if they leave for a 'longer' time. But I still feel comfortable with you, regardless of not seeing you a lot lately"

Something in Sauli's chest fluttered. 

"I hate being impatient but I'm not sure should I be nervous or excited so just please tell me what are you up to" Sauli said. Adam chuckled sheepishly, shortly dropping his gaze and brought it back up, his cheeks now colored red. 

"Sex" 

"Sex?" Sauli croaked, "What about sex?"

"I want it. I'm ready for it"

"But we have- " Sauli frowned, then had a thought that Adam might mean he wants more than what they have already done, "Or do you mean like-?"

Adam nodded, biting his lip again.

There was a warm, bubbling sensation in Sauli's belly and it radiated up to his chest and down to his crotch where it turned to plain heat. 

"Baby, baby..." Sauli murmured, taking both of Adam's hands and laced their fingers, shifting closer and brought his lips just an inch or two away from Adam's, "So shall we go already?"

Adam chuckled, letting his lips ghost over Sauli's,

"I still have one photoshoot with Ashley. I kind of promised her"

" _Right_ " Sauli drawled, feeling like a puppy whose bone was just snatched away from him, "I had forgotten about that completely"

"Mm. But I won't be long" Adam beamed. 

"Don't you know that when you are waiting for something really bad, the time goes as fast as a snail?" 

"Then find something to do while you wait" Adam suggested and unlatched their fingers but pecked Sauli on the lips. 

"Yeah, well. I'm off for today so I can go home and set things up. You have any wishes?"

Adam shook his head,

"Surprise me" 

Sauli's couldn't help a smirk,

"Surprise you, huh?"

"Just keep in mind that I'm an inexperienced virgin" Adam chuckled, for the first time he sounded like it wasn't a big deal for him, "So maybe handcuffs and butt plugs are out of question for now"

Sauli had to blink twice to make sure he was still in this world and that his shy boyfriend is talking about handcuffs and butt plugs. His reaction made Adam snicker some more and he slowly got up from the couch, leaving Sauli repeat the said words in his head. 

Handcuffs and butt plugs in addition to Adam. 

But maybe today they'll be fine with just some sweet vanilla sex. The thought made Sauli smile sweetly,

"Sure. I'll surprise you" He said, "But first I'll escort you to Ashley's office"

~*~

Sauli made sure the condoms and lube were in the drawer. You can never be too sure.

He didn't take a shower because he planned on taking a bath with Adam once he comes. He only changed his suit off, took Fluffie out on a short walk and then just waited. 

And just that one hour was almost too much. Well, it was almost two so he had time to prepare something simple for dinner. Once Adam finally came, he wasn't that hungry for actual food and that was completely fine with Sauli. 

So they started out from the bath. The anticipation was heavy but Sauli didn't want Adam to focus on it too much, he wanted things to flow naturally, so he ended up giving Adam a scalp massage while casually chatting about work, life and their relationship. 

After the bath, to calm Adam's (and his own) nerves, they picked a movie from Sauli's stash and put it on. Neither of them really paid any attention to it, they were rather touching each other until Sauli finally rolled over on top of Adam and smiled down at him. Adam gave him a small smile back,

"I wasn't sure which way around you roll... Or me. I haven't had any experiences hence the lack of preference... So I kind of- Uhm. Cleaned. That's why I took longer than I thought"

"I don't really mind which. We can try both" Sauli winked, "If you start to build up a preference any second, please tell me. Which way are you more curious about?"

"Both? I mean I find the idea of toppig more intriguing but it just,,, Puts a lot of pressure on me"

Sauli nodded, understanding. 

"So bottom first?"

Adam nodded. 

Sauli wasted no time anymore. He leaned down and captured Adam's lips into a sweet yet heated kiss. He pressed in, forcing Adam's lips more open and just curled his entire body against him.

Adam kissed back with just as much force. Almost subconsciously their hands begun to seek for any shred of bare skin from underneath the clothes.

"I promised to show you just how beautiful your body is and how much I love it..." Sauli whispered and tugged on the hem of Adam's shirt, "Off?"

He sat back on his heels when Adam sat up and raised his arms, allowing Sauli to remove his shirt. They both giggled when it got stuck around Adam's head and Sauli had to do a trick or two to get it off. 

The second his shirt hit the floor, Sauli removed his own.

"You're just so gorgeous..." Adam sighed in awe.

"Hush, so are you" Sauli whispered and shifted Adam's legs apart and lay him down on the bed again, settling between his legs.

He pressed a sweet, brief kiss on Adam's lips, on his chin and finally on his jawbone. He then latched his mouth on the sensitive skin of Adam's neck because it has proven to drive Adam _crazy_.

Adam curled his whole body into it, dipping his head back and grabbed a handful of Sauli's hair as he stimulated his sweet spots.

It wasn't hard for Sauli to figure out where to focus. He already knew most of Adam's erogenous zones on his neck area but he can always learn more.

Every gasp and moan was a reward he was craving after.

He moved his body lower so he could kiss Adam's collarbones and finally suckle on his nipple. He rubbed the other one between two fingers.

Adam was biting his lip, focusing on just how much Sauli made him  _feel_.

Sauli slid his mouth off the pink bud with a wet pop and continued his way lower. With every kiss he inched lower and lower, past Adam's belly button until he finally reached the waistband of his jeans.

Adam opened his eyes and looked down when he felt Sauli's mouth leave his skin. Sauli was settled on his stomach between his legs, facing his crotch.

Sauli noticed Adam looking and he gave him a sultry smile, gently rubbing Adam's cock through his pants. Adam pushed up to his touch, giving Sauli a questioning look,

"What are you waiting for?" He asked, impatiently.

"Nothing, I just-" Sauli started and moved his hands on Adam's stomach, "I'm just trying to understand these" he said, a little carefully, and brushed his fingers gingerly over the scars.

Adam grew unease but tried to conceal his sigh,

"Don't try to understand them now" He said, "Please?"

"I know, I know... I won't" Sauli mumbled and gently nuzzled Adam's tummy. He kissed the skin near his happy trail, then slowly unbuttoned his jeans.

He pulled down the zipper and started working the pants off Adam's legs. Adam raised his hips off the bed and pushed them lower so Sauli could pull them off completely. It took a decent amount of effort, considering they weren't the loosest pair of pants. 

"Well, someone is getting all eager..." Sauli smirked once he was settled down again and started petting Adam's dick through his underwear.

"Yes and very impatient” Adam hissed.

Sauli chuckled and found the head of Adam's cock, leaning down to kiss it.

Adam bit back a sigh,

"Stop the teasing and let's get naked"

Sauli smirked, almost like he didn't hear what Adam said, and pulled his briefs lower. A few inches and the head of his dick was already peeking out.

"Sauli..." Adam said in a low, warning tone when Sauli just breathed against his sensitive flesh.

"Fine" Sauli finally grinned, pulling Adam's briefs off his legs in one swift move.

Surprisingly, Adam didn't seem to feel any shame or embarrassment as he lay on the bed, his legs spread right before Sauli's eyes. On the contrary, he looked content in many ways. 

He watched Sauli take off his own pants and briefs in a hurry, tossing them somewhere in the room.

Sauli placed his open palms on the sides of Adam's knees, slowly stroking down his inner thighs and spread the legs a bit further apart. His eyes were locked with Adam’s all the time when he moved lower.

Sauli gave a few tugs to his cock once he reached it, enough to make Adam's hips move. Then he gently touched his balls, rubbing them with his thumb.

Adam grasped the sheets when Sauli pressed his fingers underneath his balls and massaged his perineum. Sauli wished to give Adam even a slight idea of what it feels like to have that magical spot stimualated. 

Sauli moved lower but Adam grabbed his wrist before he could reach his hole. Sauli looked surprised at first but quickly understood.

"You okay?"

"Will it hurt?" Adam asked, so quiet Sauli barely heard him.

Sauli gave him a gentle smile, dropping his hands on the bed for a second.

"Probably a little. But I promise to be very gentle... Try to relax and it'll be easier"

Adam bit his lip, nodding.

"Can you do it while you kiss me?"

"Of course. If that helps you" Sauli smiled, "We just need to find a good position"

Adam was quite a lot taller than Sauli and finding a position where Sauli could kiss him  _and_  reach his hole was challenging.

Adam finally lay down on the bed on his back and Sauli lay next to him on his side. Sauli grabbed the lube from the nightstand drawer and spurted some onto his fingers.

"This might feel a little cold" Sauli whispered when he dropped his hand down to Adam's entrance, nudging his leg out the way. Adam could let it rest against his arm to keep it out the way. 

Sauli drew in a sharp, heated breath when he felt around Adam's hole. Just the thought of entering him sent such rush of lust through his body. 

"Relax, baby" He said and leaned a little closer to Adam's face, pressing their lips together. 

Sauli rubbed his hole, gingerly pressing in the first fingertip. 

Adam hissed and dropped his head against Sauli’s shoulder when he felt the unfamiliar touch.

“You okay?” Sauli asked softly, just to make sure.

“Yeah… Just give me a moment” Adam panted. Sauli nodded, listening Adam take deep breaths. 

“Take your time” He whispered, "No rush"

Feeling Adam relax, Sauli gently pushed in a second fingertip. He took his time letting Adam get used to the feeling of something penetrating him, even if it was just two fingertips.

Adam raised his head and Sauli captured his lips to a kiss again. He started to push his fingers deeper, slowly, noticing that small hitch in Adam’s breath. He stopped, giving Adam the time he most likely needed again.

"Go on..." Adam whispered instead. Sauli obeyed and pushed his fingers deeper, and curled them expertly.

"Oh god…" Adam gasped, his whole body jumping in surprise, "What was- I mean- Wow"

Sauli smiled proudly, rubbing on that spot to make Adam whimper in pleasure, "Like that?" he asked, suddenly feeling a little smug.

Adam didn't answer, he just waited until Sauli pulled his fingers out again, then grabbed Sauli by the shoulders and flipped them over.

Sauli was confused by the sudden move,

"You’re not ready yet" He stated, dropping his fingers back down.

"I know... But I want to see you when you work there… "

"Oh" Sauli murmured and slid between Adam’s legs, nudging them wider open. Adam obeyed happily and his eyes darkened even more when Sauli kissed his knee and started working on his hole again. 

Sauli reached out his other hand and pressed it on top of Adam’s stomach, just to caress the skin. Adam let his own hand down too, placing it on top of Sauli’s. 

A powerful stream of emotions went through Sauli's body again, centering in his chest. He didn't want to pay too much attention to it now, so he added another finger in. 

Adam automatically squeezed Sauli’s hand.

Sauli knew it was a whole new feeling for him. He pressed another kiss on the side of Adam’s knee and thrust his fingers deeper, feeling Adam slowly loosen around him.

Just a few minutes and he’ll be inside of that tight heat.

 _Inside_ of Adam.

 

~*~ 

 

After a gentle and long preparation, Sauli tore the condom wrapper and tapped Adam’s chin with the open wrap.

"Put it on me"

Adam smiled sheepishly and dropped both of his hands down to pull the condom out and work the condom on Sauli's length. He almost dropped the condom when he pulled it out of the wrapper.

Sauli found his shaky hands both heart-clenching and cute. 

"Squeeze the air out of the tip" Sauli reminded when Adam's hands were hovering over his cock. Adam bit his lip, focused, and rolled the condom on Sauli's length, doing as Sauli told him to do and squeezed the air out of the tip.

Sauli reached out for the lube, spurting some on his hands and lubed his cock. And to really make sure there won’t be any injuries, he rubbed some more on Adam’s entrance as well.

Adam cocked his eyebrow at him, chuckling a bit,

"I don’t want you to hurt" Sauli said with a silly pout and put the lube aside, "You know, it'd be easier if you lay on your stomach"

Adam shook his head,

"No. I want to be able to see you"

"Okay" Sauli whispered, lining himself up between Adam's legs. He grabbed Adam by the pits of his knees and gently pushed his legs towards his shoulders.

Adam flinched a little at the new kind of stretch he felt.

"You ready?" Sauli asked, holding onto his dick and rubbed Adam's hole with the tip. A heat wave ran through him as he comprehended that he was going to penetrate Adam in a few seconds.

"Yeah..." Adam whispered, holding on to the headboard of the bed. Sauli leaned down, holding his body up with his free hand.

"Sauli?"

"Yes?" Sauli wheezed, the tip of his dick painfully close to being squeezed in the heat of Adam's body.

"Be gentle..." Adam pleaded quietly, a really unnecessary plead to Sauli's mind.

"Of course" He whispered, pushing further into the tightness around him. He followed the expressions on Adam's face and stopped immediately when Adam clenched his teeth.

"Okay that hurts..." He stated, his another hand now on Sauli's hip to keep him from going any further.

"You're so tense..." Sauli whispered, letting his dick fall out of Adam, "It'll be a whole lot of easier if you calm down a bit,,, I won't hurt you"

Adam took slow, deep breaths, forcing his body to relax. Sauli wished he knew that if he wanted to stop, they obviously would. 

Sauli grunted in pleasant-kind-of discomfort. 

"You alright?" Adam asked.

"Yeah, of course, don't you worry about me..." Sauli croaked, "You just feel so good"

He held the base of his dick and tried to guide it back in but Adam clenched shut immediately, whimpering. Sauli bit back his groan, he didn't want to sound disappointed or frustrated.

He wasn't, really, but it was almost physically painful to be so close to entering Adam yet not being able to. 

"It's not going-" 

"Shh, I know, I know. That's okay" Sauli reassured, fixing his position a bit and just rested on top of Adam's body, bringing their faces close. Adam touched his back and briefly squeezed his ass, and Sauli recognized the frustrated sigh. 

"I'm sorry... "

"Not a word, hey" Sauli murmured, "Life ain't always as sweet as fiction. We'll try again in a bit. If you still want to?"

Adam nodded,

"Yeah"

Sauli knew that the waiting would mean having to do the preparation all over again but that's alright. Fingering Adam was so much fun it could never feel like a chore. 

Patience is a virtue.

~*~ 

Adam could take his fingers in so easily and smoothly. Sauli was so transfixed by the curls of his body when he thrust his fingers deep into him.

When he attempted to enter with his dick again, he kept it all as slow as possible. He nuzzled Adam's neck and gingerly guided his cock in. 

First he let the head in and waited for Adam to get used to it. It was still difficult but Adam was determined to succeed. 

Eventually he reached down to pull Sauli closer by his ass, deeper inside of him. Sauli's eyes rolled to the back of his head in pleasure once he was fully inside. 

"Sweet jesus in heaven" He murmured under his breath, wiggling his hips just to get a good _feel_. Adam giggled, wrapping his arms around Sauli. 

His mouth fell open when Sauli repeated the thrusting movement a few times. 

"You,,, Were definitely worth the wait" Sauli managed to say, nuzzling the side of Adam's face, "You're perfect..."

Adam pulled Sauli down by his head and smacked their lips together. Sauli hummed in pleasure, forcing his tongue inside Adam's mouth.

Adam whimpered, curling his arms around Sauli's neck. They savored each other’s mouths, their tongues bumping together.

Sauli swayed his hips in a way that made Adam jump in surprise. 

Tiny electric jolts ran through Adam’s whole body and Sauli could practically feel it. 

"Oh..." Sauli smirked, repeating the same jerky, deep thrust.

Adam wrapped his legs around Sauli's waist and softly moaned into his ear.

"So there?" Sauli asked smugly.

"Yes.... _There_ …” Adam groaned.

Sauli started thrusting again, little faster this time. He moved his mouth on Adam's neck, feverishly sucking on the fragile skin.

Adam reached down to touch his desperate cock, but Sauli swatted his hand away.

"Don't,,, I want to get you off”

Adam groaned, but obeyed. He might come too soon before Sauli if he touched himself now anyway. Not that Sauli would mind. 

"I really want to look at you, beautiful…" Sauli panted, nibbling on Adam's neck, "Can you try riding me? You don't have to"

Sauli could just look at him while he does everything. Adam doesn't even know if he'll be good at it, neither does Sauli. But the thing is, he doesn't care. He doesn't expect Adam to be an expert, he just wants to see him ride him. 

After thinking about it for a while, Adam nodded.

Sauli smiled, reaching down to hold on to the condom when he pulled out from Adam’s body. He missed the heat right away.

He lay on his back and Adam straddled his body.

“This might feel a little different. You can stop anytime and we'll change the position” Sauli told Adam before taking a hold of his cock and kept it steady when Adam slowly started to lower himself on him.

His face twitched when he felt Sauli’s cock inside of him, but he still lowered himself fully down.

Sauli put his hands on Adam’s thighs and stroked them soothingly.

"You look so sexy like that"

The words encouraged Adam to move once he was sitting down. He rolled his hips, feeling Sauli’s cock rub him from a different angle. 

“You feel so amazing...“ Sauli panted, his hips doing a slow but steady motion, coming off the bed. He groaned, squeezing the skin of Adam’s thighs, throwing his head back on the pillows in bliss.

He wanted to tell Adam how good he feels. How incredibly wonderful he is but his words were caught in his throat. All he could think of was the tight heat surrounding him.

Adam started bouncing a little, Sauli’s dick hitting his prostate now. 

All the groans and moans pouring out of Sauli were just for him and it seemed to give his self-esteem a boost.

As he sped up his motions, Sauli reached out to grab his hips and thrust his own pelvis up. His cock sank even deeper, ripping out a gorgeous moan from Adam’s throat.

“You’re incredible…” Sauli murmured, his voice shaky.

He willed himself to open his eyes. After all he wanted to look at Adam but all the pleasure he felt was feeling almost forced his eyelids down.

Adam opened his eyes as well.

They locked their eyes. The smile Adam gave Sauli made his heart leap. Adam looked absolutely gorgeous like that. He didn't seem unsure of himself, he quickly had figured out the riding.

Sauli was expecting him to try the squat-riding first because he personally thinks it's easier but Adam was doing just fine with sitting down on his lap, pushing his body up with his thighs, then lowering back down.

Sauli was not ignoring the impressive cock that swayed between his legs. Looking back at Adam's face, he saw droplets of sweat on his forehead, his cheeks flushed... Just beautiful.

Sauli dropped his head back, his face filled with pleasure. He groped Adam’s thighs, ass and sides, really everything he could reach.

“Sauli… Please… “

Sauli opened his eyes to look at Adam again.

“Touch me… Please..."

Sauli dropped his hand down on Adam's cock, collecting the moisture from the slit of Adam’s dick. He twisted his fist at the head and spread the pre-cum on the shaft, then just kept his hand still and let Adam thrust into it.

Adam’s moves turned erratic after that.

Sauli couldn't help but moan, heat coiling low in his belly. His orgasm was building up strong behind his balls. He watched the oozing tip of Adam’s cock push through his fist on every thrust.

“I’m gonna come...” He wheezed out, squeezing Adam’s thighs near his ass.

“Please do…” Adam panted softly, placing his hand on top of Sauli's and tightened his hold around his cock.

Sauli tossed his head back, hips jumping off the bed and almost knocking Adam off his lap. Adam wobbled, laughing, and grabbed the bed to keep himself steady.

He kept bouncing on Sauli's dick until Sauli moaned, Adam’s name falling from his lips as he came. Hearing and seeing Sauli reach his pleasure because of him, made Adam feel so warm inside and so proud somehow.

Sauli opened his eyes so he wouldn't miss Adam cumming. He knew he should pull out but he just couldn't yet.

He watched Adam’s face change from tense to completely relaxed as he freed his orgasm with a deep, blissful moan; His come splattered on Sauli’s torso, on their joined hands and on Adam’s own chest. 

"Oh god..." Adam whimpered, his body convulsing so hard Sauli grabbed his hips just in case he'd wobble again. Sauli's dick fell out of Adam after he shifted, and Sauli sat up, wrapping his arm around Adam's shaking body and kept stroking his cock with the other.

Sauli couldn't get enough of this man, he just couldn't.

"Shit...!" Adam gasped, his body jumping again, "Stop, stop, stop..."

When Adam was too sensitive to be touched anymore, he freed Sauli’s hand and let their hands drop from his softening flesh.

Adam slumped on the bed the very second, sweaty and messy and so damn satisfied. Sauli tossed the condom into the trash can and lay on top of Adam’s hot body.

Who cares about the mess, they just did  _it_ for the first time together.

“You were amazing...” Sauli murmured, pressing a few kisses on Adam’s cheek.

Adam smiled lazily and tangled his clean hand in Sauli’s hair.

“Thank you. So were you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this tosses me right back to 2014 and it makes me sigh.


	8. Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli is starting to get concerned over Adam's physical health in addition to mental.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, rock bottom. I could use VERY little from the old version on this chapter.

Sauli woke up when Fluffie hopped on the bed. He could feel the bed shift when he moved closer to the pillows and sat down. Sauli knows by know that the dog would stare at him until the evening if Sauli didn't open his eyes. 

When he does, there's nothing he can do to save himself from the doggy kisses. 

Once in the past Sauli faked a stroke and pretended to be dead but Fluffie just came to give him a small sniff and then left. Apparently you can't fool him with poor performances. 

Sauli opened one of his eyes and was attacked immediately. He laughed, turning his face away from the enthusiastic licks. As much as he loves that his dog loves him, he can wash his face himself. 

"I'm awake, I'm awake!" He hissed quietly, glancing at the clock, "It's 6 a.m.! Why you up so early?"

Fluffie gave a meaningful glance towards the windows. 

"What?" Sauli asked, frowning. 

Fluffie let out a quiet bark, jumping down from the bed and walked to the windows. Sauli had no choice but to follow him and peek through the curtains. 

He saw mist floating around his yard. 

"You wise little fur ball" Sauli cooed once he had closed the curtains, "I get these chances like once in six months"

Sauli pulled on the first pair of pants he found, a T-shirt and socks. He skipped his morning routine and just put Fluffie on his leash, grabbed his camera and it's stand, his keys, put on shoes and jacket, then headed out. 

It had been raining, it was misty and the sun has not risen yet, setting very optimal circumstances for stunning landscape photos. Landscapes defintely ain't his strength but he wants to get better at it. 

He walked around, or more of like crawled around, searching for things that could make wonderful shots. He took several photos of Fluffie running in the field too; he's so damn photogenic. He literally loves the camera.

He also captured the first beams of the sunrise peeking through the mist. At one point he was lying on the wet ground to get a perfect shot. When he was done with his little photo session, he returned to his house and let Fluffie off his leash. Sauli now could complete his morning routine, then he made himself a cup of coffee and returned to bed afterwards. 

Not to sleep but to cuddle Adam. Maybe even cuddle him awake though Sauli knows he ain't a morning person and especially since he has to be at work only around 11 and he could sleep in. 

Though it was not his intention, Sauli still fell asleep. He woke up again around 9, finding Adam still sleeping peacefully. Sauli didn't want to wake him up so he just hoped he'd wake up soon. 

Another 30 minutes passed but nothing happened. 

Sauli groaned, shifting against Adam's back and gently nipped the side of his neck. When he got no reaction, he went for the ear, gingerly biting on the earlobe.

"What-"

"Good morning, I'm bored" Sauli said. 

"I see that" Adam murmured, rubbing his eyes, "How are you alredy dressed?"

"I got up at six and went outside for a little photo session" Sauli said and moved a bit so Adam could turn on his back. 

"Why?" 

"Because it was misty and sun wasn't up yet. That's when you get the best scenery photos. Especially when you're an amateur, like me" Sauli explained, tracing a finger around a love bite next to Adam's nipple. The memories of last flooded back into his mouth and Sauli hid his grin to Adam's skin.

Adam blinked at his words. 

"Amateur? Says the man who owns a company dedicated to photography"

"But in sceneries, I am" Sauli smiled, "I'm learning"

"I thought you can do like,,, everything" 

Sauli snorted, 

"I most definitely can not" He said, climbing on top of Adam's body, "Real professionals are those who always keep learning, not those who claim to know everything and let their pride step in the game" 

"Must feel great to be exceptionally good at something" He said, a little dimly, still curling his fingers to grasp on Sauli's hips.

"Not familiar with the sensation" Sauli admitted, knowing that Adam was talking about him though he wasn't stating it directly. 

The conversation started to feel too heavy for a sweet morning talk in bed. Ignoring Adam's scoff, Sauli went on,

"I can tell you something you are exceptionally good at" He beamed, kissing the tip of Adam's nose, "Making me happy"

Adam couldn't help but smile bashfully. Maybe it was a cheesy line, maybe no one really ever says such stuff out loud in real life but Sauli saw no reason why he shouldn't because it was true. 

He has always been a person full of joy, he hasn't needed a relationship to be happy, but currently nothing makes him more happy than Adam does. 

Sauli was prepared for a "but you'd say the same to any person you're dating" but it never came which he was thankful for. Sauli stole a brief kiss from his lips, 

"Are you sore from last night?" He asked, completely changing the mood and the subject. 

"No" Adam chuckled, embarrassed, "I'm more than fine. Thanks for caring though"

"Always" Sauli beamed, "Though I have to admit I am. A bit"

Adam's face fell right away and his eyes went wide,

"Why, did I do it wrong?"

"No!" Sauli squeaked, "No. You were _perfect_. But like I've told you before,,, even people on advanced levels get nervous with a 'new' person when it comes to sex"

"Advanced levels?" Adam chuckled.

"Yes! And in addition to that, you ain't exactly an-" Sauli cleared his throat, "Average sized in that matter"

The color on Adam's cheeks was no longer faint pink but was staring to resemble a tomato. 

"Stop that" He chuckled, embarrassed, and Sauli found it insanely adorable, "I know it without you pointing it out"

Sauli imagined he could hear a hint of smugness in Adam's tone. Sauli wants to bring that smug and sultry side him out more often and more prominently because he has every reason to feel confident about his body. 

And Sauli isn't just thinking about that certain body part. But all of Adam; Everything he has to offer. 

"You do, huh" Sauli murmured, lips ghosting over Adam's mouth, "And I want to add that your fears were completely unnecessary. You used it _perfectly_ " 

Sauli kissed Adam's flustered smile off his lips. There were millions of thoughts floating in his head and the one he was most afraid to say out loud, was a sentence of three very powerful words. 

They've been in his mind a lot lately. And it has taken some serious self-exploration to find out if it's really that genuine _feeling_ or is he just somehow in love with the idea of being in love after such a long time.

What would really be a perfect indicator for such thing?

When Sauli shifted as he pressed into the kiss with more force, Adam grunted and pushed on his hips,

"I really need to pee"

Sauli groaned, pulling away reluctantly. He rolled onto the bed and let Adam get up, not forgetting to swat his ass. Adam chuckled, stepping far enough for Sauli not to be able to reach him, and pulled on his underwear and a loose T-shirt. 

As much as Sauli loved seeing Adam naked, he felt like it will take a while before he will walk around the house naked, even just in the mornings. 

When Adam disappeared in the bathroom, Sauli went down to prepare some breakfast.

~*~ 

Sauli was checking through new portfolios, rubbing his temples. There are so many stunning girls ans boys he'd like to have on the list but he has reached the absolute maximum in quantity of models.

That's why the upcoming show means so much. This is his chance to get more demand. More demand equals money and more money equals lots of possibilities in business life. 

A heavy sigh caught Sauli's attention and he looked over his laptop at Adam who was cleansing the bookshelf in the corner of his office. 

"You okay?"

"I'm fine. Just hurts a bit..." Adam said quietly, rubbing his belly with his free hand.

Sauli grew more concerned, knowing that it has been going on for a while now. He knows he has a cat to skin with Adam and his frequent stomach pains but he doesn't want to jump into any hurried conclusions. 

"Your tummy?"

Adam nodded.

"Then it means you are _not_ okay" Sauli said, getting up and walked up to Adam, taking the wash cloth out of his hand and tossed it in the bowl of water, "I'll end my day at 4 today so if you can hang on until that, I can take you home"

"Your place" Adam insisted, "Mom fusses too much when I feel sick"

"And I don't?" Sauli asked, smiling.

"I wouldn't know'

"Well, you're about to find out" Sauli said with a small smile, "You know what? This is my company and I can leave 20 minutes earlier just this once if I want to"

"You don't have to do that for me, I can wait unt-" Adam stopped mid-sentence and bent forward, clutching on the bookshelf with his free hand, "Oh no, I can't"

"I'll just grab my keys and we can go" Sauli said, frowning in concern and gave a gentle rub to Adam's belly. The ride to Sauli's place takes a solid 30 minuted so he really hopes Adam isn't coming down with something or the car ride might be very unpleasant. 

In the car, Sauli kept thinking about all the things that could cause such pain; going everywhere between indigestion and accute appendicitis. He didn't believe in the latter since Adam has struggled with his stomach before. 

Once at Sauli's place, Sauli told Adam to go upstairs to bed while he makes him some herbal tea. Who knows if it will help but you can always try. 

Still, at one point of the night, Adam seemed to be in so much agony Sauli was seriously considering calling for help in the fear of the pain being something more serious. 

But Adam told him not to worry. Heh, easier said than done, Sauli thought while pouring the almost-boiling water into a bottle. He pulled a knitted cozy over the bottle and returned to Adam who was still accompanied by Fluffie on Sauli's king sized bed. 

"Here" Sauli smiled, handing the bottle to Adam and lowered himself on the bed too.

"I told you not to fuss" Adam sighed, rolling over on his back and hugged the bottle to his body. 

"I'm not fussing, I am helping" Sauli pointed out, gently scratching the top of Adam's head, "I know this ain't the first time you're down because of stomach pains. Care to tell me what's up?"

"Just digestion problems" Adam grumpled, somewhat embarrassed, "I don't really digest certain foods very well..."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like dairy. And wheat. Most of the time" Adam said, unease as he shifted.

"Why you've never told me?" Sauli asked, frowning, "I have prepared you so many dinners before"

"Exactly... You've seen so much effort for me" Adam quietly said, fidgeting with the knitted cozy over the heating bottle, "I didn't want to-"

"Hey" Sauli interrupted, his mixed feelings causing a few chuckles to escape,"No meal or time spent in the kitchen is ever worth your pain. Are you like lactose and gluten intolerant?"

"No. Or yes? I guess? I don't know... I haven't had any official check-ups..." Adam mumbled, clearly not wanting to talk about it which Sauli thought was odd. He gets that it might be a sore, even a partly embarrassing subject considering they haven't dated that long, but it would make Adam's, as well as Sauli's, life a lot easier if they both knew what was causing such bad cramps.

Something that flashed in Sauli's mind were IBS or even worse, something like Crohn's disease. Because he knows whatever Adam has, ain't normal. 

"Maybe you should. They could really-"

"I'm _fine_ " Adam snapped. 

"Alright" Sauli said calmly, slightly raising his hands as a sign of giving in. He doesn't want to argue, especially not right now when Adam obviously doesn't want to and is not feeling well. 

Adam clutched the bottle to his belly and turned on his side, curling to a fetus position. Sauli was now starting to understand why Leila would always fuss "too much" if this is how severe Adam's pain has been in the past. 

"Is there something else you'd want?" Sauli asked, brushing Adam's hair off his forehead. 

"No" Came the short answer and Sauli was starting to feel very un-welcomed. Yet he refused to leave, he only settled further down on the bed and pulled Adam closer to his own body. Adam protested even the slightest movements so Sauli tried not to make him move too much, instead he moved himself as much as he could.

Sauli sighed, kissing the top of Adam's head. He wanted to tell him he is only asking because he cares about him and he wants him to be healthy. 

He _loves_ him. 

"I have a question" Sauli said then, wanting to leave the previous subject. 

"Mm?"

"Me and my co-workers, well, friends, are heading on a small roadtrip with a van and a bus after the big show is over. And I would really love it if you came with us"

Sauli was surprised at how fast his heart was beating. It's not like he said 'I love _you_ '. But it still somehow left him feeling vulnerable. 

"Me?" Adam croaked, "I don't really fit in your circle of friends" 

"Of course you do" Sauli convinced, "You're _my_ boyfriend. That is enough to make you belong there" 

Adam looked up at him and Sauli felt that big wave of warmth go through his heart again. Considering Adam is resting his head on his chest, he must feel and hear his rapid heartbeat. 

"Why are you so nervous?" Adam asked with a faint smile, "Of course I'll come with you if you want me to"

"Good" Sauli smiled, pecking Adam on the lips just briefly, "We should now just focus on making you feel better" 

"Not how I planned spending our Friday night" Adam mumbled. 

"Oh? What did you have in mind?"

"Anything else but this" Adam sighed, "We slept together for the first time last night and we should be doing that more instead of lying in bed all still and so-not-sweaty"

Sauli couldn't help chuckling and squeezing Adam to his body a little tighter,

"Oh, baby, we'll have time for that" He murmured, "As much as you only want to"

~*~ 

Though Adam had a free day the next day, Sauli didn't. He dropped Adam off at his parents' place because like always, he didn't fall ill. Sauli instead went to the agency to make the final additions and changes in the upcoming runaway program and schedule.

He went through the model list and to his horror, he noticed one model missing. He bolted up from his chair and left his office, making his way down to Ashley's office.

He knocked on the door, stepping in without bothering to even hear the reply.

"What's up with one of the models missing from the list?" He asked, holding up the piece of paper.

"Huh? I didn't write Adam's name on it because he's not officially on our model list. His name is on the official schedule downstairs though" She said and kept typing on her computer. 

Sauli blinked, processing what he had just heard. 

"Adam's not walking on the show" He said then, "Who told you he would?"

Ashley raised her head and from the look on her face, Sauli concluded it was not what she wanted to hear. There was no way Sauli could get another model on such short notice and Adam would _never_ walk on that runaway now that he knows all the big names who will be there and how big the whole event is considering Sauli's career. 

This is his chance to expand his company to New York and maybe even further. 

"People were talking about it! Don't tell me he really isn't walking" Ashley said, holding onto her temples like her head was about to explode any second. 

The almost-judgmental cock of Sauli's eyebrows was all of the answers she needed. 

"Oh no, no, no" She groaned, sliding her arms along her desk and let her head drop against the wooden surface, "I screw it up again. Please, just fire me already"

Sauli sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose,

"I'm not firing anyone. These things can happen to anyone" He said, feeling his soft spot bubble at the sight of Ashley. This is why he often thinks he's a horrible boss; Too many soft spots for too many occasions.

"But now one model is missing and that is enough to mess up the whole schdule and order and-"

"Calm down" Sauli interrupted, "I'll figure something out"

"Like what?" Ashley asked with an amused, frustrated chuckle, "The show is tonight"

"You'll see. I'll have my ways to persuade Adam" 

The first "Oh?" by Ashley made Sauli close his eyes and take a deep breath. Once, _just once_ he could keep his mouth shut about Adam because there is always a risk he spills something he shouldn't. 

"I mean, uh- He listens to me. He trusts me" 

"I bet he does" Ashley said casually, "Not that it's any of my business but uh,,, Do you guys have like something going on?"

"Like what?" Sauli asked. 

Ashley shrugged,

"Just,,, you know. I saw the photos from the pride photoshoot. You can't fake that look in your eyes" 

"Hey, I'm a professional" Sauli pointed out with a nervous chuckle, hoping Ashley would just drop the subject. 

"You are. Adam's not. He looked at you like-"

"There is nothing going on between us" He convinced but Ashley was not buying it. Sauli had a feeling Ashley had one pair of too many eyes, making her able to see everything that happens even when she is not physically there. 

"I mean it's cool if you do"

"We don't. Adam's minor, remember? Now if you'll excuse me, I have a model to persuade"

Sauli could feel Ashley's eyes digging onto his back as he left her office. He knows that he could tell about Adam to his friends, he knows they wouldn't judge them. If Adam's _parents_ accept their relationship, then they should too.

But Sauli doesn't want to say anything before Adam's comfortable with it. Yet he feels bad that he's hiding an important relationship even from his closest friends. 

Sauli went to grab his jacket from his office before he left, heading to Adam's place. He promised to pick him up at 5 but now there is a slight change in the plans. Sauli hopes Adam will say yes to the show or he's really in trouble. 

He wants everything to be _perfect_. 

When he parked his car on Adam's parents' driveway, he felt a rush of nervousness in his body. Regardless of having met Leila and Eber before, the thought of seeing them again made him feel a bit queasy. 

He took a deep breath and stepped out of his car. He bent down to check his hair from the side view mirror before heading towards the stairs. He rang the doorbell and in no time, Leila came to open the door with a welcoming smile.

"Hello, Sauli, good to see you again. Please, come in" She said and stepped aside, holding the door open.

"Thank you" Sauli smiled, kicking off his shoes once inside. From the hall, he could see Adam's father sitting in the living room. He waved at him nervously. 

"Adam's upstairs in his room" Leila said when she saw Sauli looking around curiously. 

"Thanks" 

Sauli headed up, remembering what was the door to Adam's room. He knocked, stepping in only until he heard an approving hum. 

Adam was on his bed on his back, knees bent and slighly parted, listening to music through headphones. He flashed Sauli a surprised smile and pulled the headphones off. 

"What are you doing here? You were supposed to pick me up at 5 so we can head to the show together"

" _Tuli pari muuttujaa_ " Sauli said and closed the door. 

"What?" Adam chuckled, watching Sauli get on the bed and push his head through the gap between his knees. 

"A change of plans" Sauli grinned, wiggling further up. Adam eased the process by kindly shifting his legs more apart. 

"Why? What happened?" Adam asked. 

"Ashley had messed up the list of models and now we are lacking a model"

"So, what happens now?" Adam asked, so sincerely and genuinely that Sauli knew he didn't have any idea what Sauli was about to ask from him.

"Now this is where it gets interesting" Sauli said, moving again so that he was able to latch his mouth on that magical spot on Adam's neck, "I was kind of thinking about asking you, I-"

"Oh _no, no, no_ " Adam interrupted, struggling to form words because of the gentle suction on his neck, "No way. Don't even finish what you're about to- _Ohhh_ "

"What was that?" Sauli murmured, blewing cool air against the now wet skin. 

"I'm not a model, I'm in an assistant training" Adam pointed out. 

"I'm aware of that" Sauli said, sliding his hands up Adam's sides and pushed the shirt all the way up beneath Adam's armpits and lowered to kiss the exposed nipples. 

"Hey...!" Adam squeaked, "This is _not_ how you get things from me" 

Sauli thought he sounded a little annoyed for some reason. Maybe because Sauli really shouldn't use sex to receive things from him or because Adam feels disappointed in his own body for reacting so strongly. Making him almost willing to do anything. 

"I know" Sauli sighed, nuzzling the skin beneath his cheek, "I'm sorry"

"I wasn't serious" Adam chuckled, "I was trying to convince myself more than you. Besides, I don't think I can-"

"No, but you're right" Sauli sighed, interrupting, sitting up between Adam's knees and pulled his shirt down, "I just- It might not seem like a big deal to you that we're lacking one model. But to me it's basically me _failing_ because everything should have been spectacular. There are so many people in the audience that I look up to,,, And I want, I _need_ , everything to _perfect_ "

Adam was about to open his mouth but Sauli continued,

"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't really important to me. But I really, _really_ need that one model" 

Adam looked at him, sighing deep as he sat up and scratched the back of his head,

"I don't know, I- What if I mess it up? I haven't practised at all. And what are those fashion gurus gonna think when you have an XL model, based in modeling standards, in your show?"

"You're not gonna mess it up" Sauli said, "And fuck the standards" 

Adam still didn't look fully convinced. He pursed his lips, gazing back into Sauli's pleading eyes.

" _Please_ "

"I'm not sure if I-"

"It would mean the world to me" Sauli added. 

Finally Sauli could see Adam giving in, it was all visible on his face. The soft gleam of his eyes and the small smile playing on his lips. 

"Okay. If it really means that much to you, I'll do it"

"Thank you so much, baby"

"Soo... So we have to leave now?" 

"Not necessarily yet. Why?"

"Because" Adam murmured, shifting Sauli's thighs apart and pushed him down on the bed, "I have to calm my nerves first"

~*~ 

Sauli took Adam with him to the show place and immediately took him to a room where he could do his make-up.

Sauli was applying the make up on Adam’s face and he couldn't stop the dorky beam.

"What?" Adam asked, sensing Sauli's grin even though he was looking at the ceiling.

"Nothing. I just need to use this very thick concealer under your eyes because you have dark circles here"

Adam nudged Sauli on the leg with his foot,

"Shut up. You kept me awake the night before yesterday. And last night we talked. A lot"

Sauli chuckled and put down the concealer brush when he was done with it,

"Well, I didn't see you resisting at all" He grinned and started to apply powder under Adam's eyes to set the concealer.

Adam scoffed. 

Sauli kept smiling even when he finished the whole concealer process. He picked up the big powder brush and applied one layer to keep the foundation from rubbing off too.

"Okay. I'm done with your base. Sutan will add your eye make-up" Sauli informed.

Adam pouted and his arms immediately went around Sauli's small waist.

"I don't like others touching my face"

"I know. But Sutan is a professional and he has done your make-up before. Besides, your skin looks flawless if that's what you're worried about" Sauli said, stepping aside so Adam could see his reflection from the big mirror.

Adam gasped,

"H-how- how did you-" He whispered, running his fingers over his cheeks which looked baby smooth, "Where are all my-"

Sauli stood behind Adam's stool and hugged his shoulders from behind.

"Moisturizer, primer, concealer, foundation, more concealer, only a lighter one, powder and wham"

"Well, that's a lot of shit" Adam frowned. 

Sauli kissed the back of his head and sighed,

"That's the routine for every model here. It's not like your skin is any worse"

"If you say so" Adam said, letting go of his face. 

"I'll go to check the other ones and put my camera read-"

"Stay" Adam interrupted and reached out to grab Sauli's hand, "Please"

Sauli really needed to set things up but he gets that Adam is double as nervous as others and it was basically Sauli's fault that he is here so of course he is going to provide Adam all the emotional support he needs. 

They saw Sutan appear in the room and Adam quickly let go of Sauli's hand,

"Hey baby boo" He cooed when he noticed Adam sitting on the chair, "Good to see you again"

"Careful with this baby boo. He's my favorite" Sauli said casually. Adam and him shared a sheepish smile through the reflection which Sutan most likely noticed but decided not to say a thing. 

Except,

"There is a massive hickey on your neck, boo. We need to cover that up"

Adam giggled sheepishly and brushed his palm over the said hickey. Sauli on the other hand looked like he just saw a ghost; hand clasped over his mouth.  
.

"You don't need to worry about anything. I've been doing this for years" Sutan smiled and glanced at Adam through the mirror.

Adam nodded, his lips slightly twitching. Sutan dipped Adam's head back to see the hickey a little better.

"Well, well. Who is the lucky gal?" He grinned and started to apply a concealer on the purple-ish skin with his fingertips.

"A boy" Adam fixed.

Sutan didn't seem shocked, on the contrary, actually. He just smiled, like he knew it already.

“Well, the lucky boy then" Sutan smiled, "Do I know him?" he asked, briefly glancing at Sauli through the mirror which caused him to have a mini heart attack. 

Adam chuckled,

"I- I don't think you do"

"Well, he has been eager. How am I supposed to cover this?” Sutan asked, grinning, and started to apply another layer of concealer on the love bite, this time with a brush.

Sauli was quiet, just watching Sutan do his magic. He tried not to think about all the other love bites Adam had on his skin, all covered under his clothes. He doesn't know what it is, but Adam for some reason enjoys receiving them. 

He goes absolutely wild when Sauli marks his skin and he loves doing the same back to Sauli. Sauli ain't so crazy about visible hickeys though while Adam has no troubles walking around with a hickey on his neck. 

Maybe it's some kind of self-esteem thing. To show off that someone out there wants him enough to make a hickey. Adam has said it before now that Sauli thinks about it. 

"Ah, got it covered. Mostly" Sutan finally said and put down the brushes, “I will do some smokey eyes on you. I’ll use black, silver, white and maybe even put some wild color a little. I love runway shows with Sauli because I can just be crazy sometimes with these make-ups. Now close your eyes"


	9. Vertigo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet nothings after the runaway show. And some declarations.

~*~ 

Sauli took a slow, deep breath before he knocked on Adam's dressing room door after the show. There was no answer but he stepped in anyway, carefully peeking inside the room.

Adam was sitting on the couch, knees hugged to his chest and his make-up was running down his pale cheeks. 

"I'm sorry" Was the first thing he said.

Sauli gave him a soft smile and closed the door after him, then approached Adam and crouched down on the floor before the couch.

"It's not the end of the world" He reassured, "Remember those big names of fashion I told you about? They _gushed_ over your first walk"

"Yeah, but not my third one" Adam said, rolling his eyes. Sauli only managed to open his mouth when Adam already covered his entire face and slid further down on the couch, groaning,

"God, I tripped in front of every professional and every audience member during the most important moment"

"At least you didn't fall" Sauli said with a small smile, "Happened to me once"

"Not helping" Adam murmured, "I'm so sorry. I know how much you wanted everything to be perfect and I blew it"

"Hardly" Sauli said right away, "You were amazing. Don't let that one mistep ruin the night"

Adam let his hands slowly fall from his face, smearing the smudged make up even more. Sauli got up and rubbed Adam's knees encouragingly,

"Now could we please go to others and celebrate a successful night and high possibility that we might get to expand to East coast?" He asked hopefully, bringing his hands on Adam's cheeks to do his best with wiping off the smudged make up. Adam pursed his lips, slowly nodding.

"Good. So come" Sauli smiled, stepping back and reached out his hand. Adam let his legs down and grabbed the hand, letting Sauli pull him up from the couch. When Sauli did though, Adam flinched immediately and wobbled on his feet. 

"Woah" Sauli gasped, startled, and grasped Adam's arm automatically, "You okay? Did you hurt yourself when you tripped?"

"No" Adam croaked, sitting back down and pulled his foot on his lap, "It's fine,,, just a little tender..."

"You really need to stop saying all is fine when it's not, I heard that yelp" Sauli said, his voice low and serious as he moved to gently touch Adam's foot, "Let me see that"

He held Adam's leg by the back of his calf and carefully pulled the boot off. When he went for the sock, he could see Adam's body tensing up and his fingers twitched, most likely ready to pull Sauli's hands off. 

When Sauli got the sock off, he gently grazed his fingers over the small swell he could see. 

"Now, I'll ask again. Did you hurt yourself when you stumbled?" 

"No" Adam convinced and continued regardless of Sauli's loud sigh, "I did not. I- It already happened before the show. I tried to tell you but I- I just couldn't, not when when you looked at me like that and said how much you wanted me to walk. I'm sorry, I should have-"

"Hold up, hold up" Sauli interrupted, "You were already hurt before the show?"

Adam shrugged,

"Not as bad, I guess... It only stung a little, I was still able to walk"

"And now?" Sauli asked, "Does it hurt? Please be honest with me"

Adam sighed, nodding,

"I can't really move it much... Or put any weight on it"

Sauli didn't know how to feel. He can't believe Adam would go to such lengths only to make him happy. Only because he asked. But Sauli would have never even asked if he knew that Adam was hurt. 

Sauli sat on the couch and pulled Adam to his chest,

"I'm happy that you walked because it was the highlight of the night and people were crazy over you. But I don't want you to ever, _ever_ , do such things, not even for me, when you are not feeling well. Okay?"

Adam nodded, squeezing Sauli's waist. 

"Good. Now, do you wanna go home? I suppose you don't feel like partying" 

"No but you can still go. I can get a cab" Adam said after he pulled away, "I don't want your big night to be ruined because of me. ... Although I kind of already ruined some of it"

Sauli really wanted to celebrate the mostly succeeded night so he reached out into his pocket to pull out the key to his house and gave it to Adam.

"Unless you of course wanna go to your parents?" 

"Nope" Adam chuckled, grabbing the key and put it into his pocket. Sauli got up from the couch,

"I'll find a compression wrap for you before you go. Wait here" 

Sauli left the room to get a wrap and cold pack from the drug cabinet by the end of the hallway. It was crowded with his team and models so no one luckily really even noticed him. He has time to talk after Adam has gone home.

Sauli returned to Adam's dressing room and closed, locked, the door. He pulled out a chair and dragged it closer to the couch, sat on it and pulled Adam's foot on his lap. 

He squeezed the liquid patch inside the cold pack and gently placed it over the sprain. 

"Can you hold it?"

Adam nodded, keeping the pack in place while Sauli wrapped the compression around his ankle,

"Now this can't be here for too long. Take it out once you get to my place but put the compression wrap back on. You can find painkillers from the drug cabinet in the hallway and the bathroom if you need any" 

"Yes, my nurse" Adam beamed. Sauli chuckled, finishing the wrap and let Adam's leg down. He got up and helped Adam on his feet as well, not missing yet another pained hiss so it was an instinct to grasp Adam's waist to support him some more. 

"You sure you can manage alone? You don't need me to take you to the ER?" Sauli asked, concerned, "It could be broken"

"Nah, I'll be fine. If you can just get my sneakers from there" Adam said, pointing at the more comfortable pair of shoes near the door. Sauli let go of him, a little hesistant, and went to grab the said shoes and brought them to Adam. 

Adam had to sit back down for a second to put his shoe on. The other one he pushed into his bag along with his boots. Sauli helped him up again,

"I'll walk you down and to the cab"

On the way down they of course had to explain things to Ashley, Brian and Tommy, and some other people. But Sauli told them he'll be back in a few minutes after getting Adam into a cab. 

"Be careful at the stairs and be aware that Fluffie might still bark at you because I am not with you" Sauli said to Adam once outside and tugged on the collar of his jacket, rising on his toes to kiss him, "You don't need to be awake when I come home"

~*~ 

The next morning Sauli regretted not going home with Adam. He regretted the first shot he took. He regretted the fifth shot he took. He regretted that he couldn't remember a thing he has said last night after 11 p.m. To anyone.

He groaned, slowly opening his eyes. The room was spinning, his stomach was churning and his mouth was as dry as the unexplored areas of Sahara. Even the smallest shift of the bed made him that much more queasy. 

"You're not dead" Came Adam's voice and his face appeared to his blurry vision, only to disappear again with a displeasured face, "But you smell like it"

Sauli isn't going to deny that.

"Can you do me a small favor?" He asked, feeling his raspy throat itch from the talking, "Could you get me some aspirin or paracetamol and a glass of water?"

"Of course" 

Sauli turned his head just so he could see Adam get off the bed in nothing but his tight black boxer briefs, that make his ass look amazing, and loose tank top. Just a little something to make his morning a bit more bearable. 

But when he followed him move, he groaned again, a little more quiet this time,

"Oh baby, sorry I forgot about your foot. I can get the drug and water myself"

"Sauli, I'm not dying unlike you seem to be. I can still do things even if it requires a bit more effort" Adam said to him and opened the balcony door, before leaving the bedroom. It doesn't necessarily make Sauli feel better. He's hungover; it's his own fault and he should deal with it, but Adam being hurt is not entirely his own fault and he should be letting his ankle rest as much as possible instead of going downstairs to get his pathetic ass some relief. 

Sauli slowly pushed himself up and sat against the headboard. He rubbed his temples, sighing as the cool breeze of wind coming from the open balcony door hit his throbbing head. 

Shortly Adam came back, carrying a bottle of water and a fresh orange. 

"Thank you so much" Sauli sighed, "Sorry to make you go downstairs"

"It's okay, I'm glad if I could help" 

Adam got on the bed, lying down and elevated his hurt foot on top of a few pillows, then grabbed a remote from the nightstand. Only now Sauli noticed the TV was on but the volume was so quiet you could barely hear it. 

"So... Was there any pretty boy models last night at the party?" Adam asked, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could. 

"Can't really remember" Sauli admitted after he had drowned down the pill, "Probably. But not as pretty as you. That I would remember" 

He was pleased to see a small, pleased smile appear on Adam's face. 

"How's your ankle?" Sauli asked then.

"It's okay. Hurts a bit but not too much"

"Aw" Sauli pouted. 

"And how's your head?" Adam asked, not even trying to conceal that smirk. Sauli had a feeling that even though Adam doesn't admit it, he feels a bit sad and jealous over the party he couldn't attend. And therefore enjoys to see him suffer the consequences. 

But Adam wouldn't be that mean. 

"Hurts a lot and way too much" Sauli said, sliding back down, "I think I'll need a few more hours of beauty sleep"

"I doubt a few will be enough"

Sauli barely had energy to scoff before he drifted off.

~*~ 

Later that night, after Sauli had mostly recovered from his hungover, he had Adam's foot on his lap while trying to do some of his paperwork. He didn't have a heart to move it since Adam had gotten so comfortable on the couch.

But working was tricky like this. His handwriting was messy since he had no table and he couldn't use his laptop at all. He needs to do these before Tuesday. And on top of that, Fluffie was whining at the lack of attention and tried to get on the couch.

He jumped on Adam's stomach instead.

Adam grunted, 

"Thank god you're not bigger than that. I swear my dinner nearly left my body in a flash"

Sauli glanced at him under his brows, tempted to ask if it happens a lot but decided not to. It's no secret that he has noticed Adam acts rather strange after meals sometimes. But he doesn't want to bring it up before warming up Adam to the thought that he might have an idea of what's wrong with him.

He'd feel like playing with fire. And he doesn't want that to happen with Adam. 

"You two are really distracting me from working" Sauli mumbled, feeling his stress level increasing considerably when he thought he might not finish his work on time.

"I'm terribly sorry we exist" Adam said with a miserable pout, stroking Fluffie's soft fur.

Sauli sighed with a knowing smile, not surprised that Adam decided to make it sound so dramatic.

"I just really need to get these done" Sauli said but still put his papers aside on the table and wrapped his fingers around Adam's foot to move it. 

"Careful" Adam immediately warned and supported his leg by the back of his knee in case Sauli lets suddenly go. Which he would never do if he just can help it. But just the way Adam immediately reacted to him moving his foot was enough to tell Sauli how tender and sore it must still feel.

Sauli let his foot back on the couch as gingerly as he could. 

"Of course I am" He smiled and sat on the floor by Adam's head, "You know, I also fell on the runway when I was younger. My boss was so mad at me. I thought that I will never walk on a runway again. But I did, many times. Once with a broken arm too" Sauli told Adam and ran his fingers through Adam's soft hair.

Adam smiled a little but it faded soon,

"So... Are you mad at me?" He asked, looking at Sauli under his brows.

"No. And even if I was, it wouldn't change anything so what would be the point?" 

"I’m still so sorry..." Adam whispered apologetically, looking away from Sauli's eyes. Sauli turned his head by his chin and gently kissed him. 

"It's okay. We're done with it. But you should have told me about your ankle, even when I was so enthusiastic to get you to walk. When I saw your face twitch in pain right after that step, I just- I knew you couldn't bear another step and I only kept thinking what has happened"

"I tried so hard to take those last steps properly... " Adam said, focusing on petting Fluffie's fur.

"Don't be so hard on yourself"

Sauli carefully pushed Fluffie down by his butt and straddled Adam's lap himself. 

"My place" He said to the dog and lay on top of Adam's body.

"That was mean" Adam chuckled, looking down at the dog who seemed so confused and disappointed that Sauli would do such thing to him. 

"He'll be fine" Sauli reassured, leaning down close to Adam's face, "Does your ankle still hurt?" He murmured against Adam's slightly parted lips. 

"No more or less than before. Why?"

"Just thinking. Because I might want to make out with you a little" Sauli said coyly, lips tentatively brushing Adam's before moving down to kiss his ear. It always makes Adam's toes stir.

"I might want that too" Adam smirked, "And since I have the privileges of an injured person; I want ice cream later, lots of kisses and pampering and I might do the same for you if you ever need it"

Sauli bit on Adam's ear, not enough to hurt, but enough to make Adam giggle and try to turn his head. 

"Who said you'd have those so called ‘privileges’?" 

"Me"

"You, huh? I can show you some privileges when you spread your legs" Sauli murmured, sitting up at the end of the couch, next to Adam's feet. Adam nudged Sauli on the chest with his toes.

"Doors to heaven are closed now. Sorry"

Sauli burst into an amused laughter and grabbed Adam’s good foot in his hands, bringing it a little higher up so he could kiss his toes. 

"That's a shame" He said. 

“Can't we just go to bed?” Adam asked, still smiling at Sauli’s laughter and the way he examined his painted toe nails in awe. 

“To have sex?”

"No" Adam said squeaked, trying to nudge Sauli again, "Stop mentioning sex when I’m cripple"

Sauli chuckled, letting the foot down. 

“Poor thing. But okay, we can go to bed just to sleep” He smiled and got down from the couch, "Or you can just lay down and I can ride you"

"You're unbelievable" Adam said with a smile, rolling his eyes when he pushed himself up, "Didn't you have tons of important work to do?"

"They can wait. I much rather take care of my hurt boyfriend"

"Take care as in 'I will bring you ice and do anything to make you hurt less' or 'Make you cum so hard you forget about the rest' ?"

"Both" Sauli grinned, grasping on Adam's waist when he got up, "But naw, I'll do whatever you want me to do. If you want ice cream, I'll go and get some. If you want the ride of your life, I'll be happy to deliver"

"First the ride of my life, then ice cream and a movie?"

"Deal" Sauli grinned, briefly pinching Adam's butt.

~*~ 

Sauli was pleased to see that when he got upstairs after getting home after exhausting day at work, Adam was reading a book on his tummy on the bed. He wasn't that enthusiastic about Adam reading, he just really, _really_ needed to unwind a bit and best way to start that is by smacking his boyfriend's sexy booty.

Which is exactly what he did. Right after greeting Fluffie. 

He scooted on the bed, not even giving Adam time to react, and gave a loud-ish smack to his rear. 

"Ow" Adam chuckled, reaching out behind him to cup the cheek, "That actually hurt"

"Sorry" 

"You're not sorry" Adam said, turning around with a grin, "How are you home so late? It's nearly 9"

"Ugh, I know. I didn't even notice the time, we had so much to do" Sauli said, getting up the bed to take off his blazer, then took it to his wardrobe. He pulled out his belt and got out of his pants too, folding them on the shelf. 

"You should hire more staff. You're gonna run yourself ragged like this" He heard Adam say, even when his voice got lost on its way due to the wardrobe.

"I know I should" Sauli said as he got out and ran a hand through his messy curls, "But right now we don't have the financial possibilities for that. We need to use that money for other things so we can make more"

Adam most likely missed what he said. Sauli noticed him staring at his mostly exposed body longingly. 

"This is the way it has to be now. Hopefully we'll get more money now due to the show so we can expand and have the 'luxury' of hiring more staff" 

Adam blinked, tearing his eyes off his body and turned to look at him in the eyes,

"Makes sense, I guess... I'm just worried about you"

Sauli smiled, sliding back on the bed next to Adam,

"Don't be. I'll do a shorter day tomorrow and we can do something together" 

"Promise?"

"I promise" Sauli convinced, softly bringing his mouth close to Adam and pecked him on the lips, "And what did you do today?" He asked. 

Adam rolled his eyes, probably subconsciously because he's usually not the type of person to do so. Obviously he's frustrated because there ain't much he can do. 

"Just hung around. Watched TV, took Fluffie out because I kind of had to and then read this weird hetero erotic novel I found from your bookshelf" He said, holding up the said book with a cocked eyebrow, "It's very intriguing"

"Oh come on, it has like one love scene and I always skip that one" Sauli chuckled, "I really like the plot. I assume you do too since you've read it that far? Or are you more about 'his love sword and her velvet garden'?"

"Ew" Adam snickered, swatting Sauli's shoulder, "Love swords are okay, not so sure about the gardens"

"Though both are such terrible word choices in literature" Sauli said, wrinkling his nose. Adam agreed with him, tossing the book aside on the bed. 

"I was about to take a shower in a bit. Or do you wanna go first?"

"Can't I just join you?"

"If you don't mind, I'd like to go alone" Adam said dimly, pulling his foot close and begun to unwrap the compression. 

Of course Sauli doesn't mind but he just likes to shower with Adam and take their time with it. It's something that strengthens their bond. As cliché as it sounds.

He also likes to shower alone sometimes so he's not going to make a scene about it.

"Go on, then. I can wait"

After getting the wrap off, Adam went for his bag that still sat on the arm chair in the corner of the room. Though most of his clothes were hanging out from it and some have even fallen on the floor. 

"I could make some room for you from my wardrobe or drawers. You shouldn't keep all your stuff in your bag"

After the pensive look Adam gave him, Sauli swallowed thickly and remembered they haven't even declared their feelings for each other. So let alone talked about having stuff in each other's places. 

"You don't have to. You do enough just by letting me stay here as much as I want" He said, "And making some room for my cosmetics in the bathroom"

Sauli smiled. He has one shelf full of Adam's stuff in the bathroom and it makes his chest feel all kinds of warm inside. 

"And I've also made some room for you here on my bed" Sauli beamed and tapped what has already formed to be 'Adam's side of the bed', with his palm. 

"I'm glad you did. And somehow it's still up after our sex" Adam winked.

Sauli snickered.

"It's strong built" He said, sitting up on the edge of the bed, "Which still amazes me is that a true bunny rabbit was peeled out of you" 

Adam chucked sheepishly,

"Stop it" 

"God, I love that innocent smile" Sauli grinned, watching Adam finally gather the rest of his stuff for the shower, "But you, innocent boy, are everything but innocent. Your hips are magical" 

Adam tried to look away again, his cheeks flushed. When he came closer, Sauli gently pulled on his hand and let him take those steps in his own pace.

"Hey" He smiled, standing up and turned Adam's face by the chin, "It's something you don't have to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I love that side of you. It's like a secret side of you and nobody else gets to see it except me. Yes, you're very passionate and wild in bed after getting over your shyness. And it's all for me. What not to love?"

Adam's eyes sparkled when he gazed back into Sauli's eyes and Sauli felt like this was something very important for him to know. 

"It's the so called 'Bed you'. And you don't know how glad I am to know him" He said, smiling smugly.

Adam chuckled and sat Sauli back down on the bed, gingerly pressing on his shoulders,

"You're talking about me in a third persona"

"Oh hush and go to the shower before I run first" Sauli snickered, slapping Adam lightly on the ass when he turned around. Adam giggled and slapped his hand away.

"Also... Could we talk when I come back?" Adam asked, suddenly more serious which made Sauli's stomach jump, "It's nothing too serious but uh- Just something that bothers me..."

Sauli nodded. Adam's 'Nothing serious' is usually very serious so Sauli became a little worried.

"Of course"

"Thanks" Adam slightly smiled and entered the bathroom. Sauli knew it might take a while before Adam comes out, he takes relatively long showers even when he's alone. So he just flicked the TV on and allowed Fluffie to jump on the bed to join him.

After 40 minutes, he glanced at the clock. 

"Adam? You done? I'd like to take a shower too"

"Yeah, I'm done. I'll be right out"

A few more minutes passed before Adam stepped out of the bathroom all fresh in a pair of briefs and a top (which means he's in 'those' moods again; not wanting to have just a towel around his waist), looking so natural and so undeniably beautiful and hot. 

And still injured. Sauli still feels bad for him every time he watches him walk.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Adam asked, smiling a little, and sat on the bed to towel his hair.

Sauli shrugged.

"Never getting tired of your natural beauty"

"That's weird..." Adam chuckled awkwardly and put his towel aside for a moment, and grabbed the compression wrap from the nightstand. 

Sauli frowned,

"Why's that weird? Here, let me help you"

Adam shrugged, letting Sauli take his foot on his lap and handed him the wrap. 

"Just not used to hearing it... My ex never bothered. But it was a long time ago so I should just let it go" Adam said, "But I wanted to talk about something else with you. Unless you wanna shower first"

"No, go on. I'll have time to shower" Sauli said right away, anxious to know what was in Adam's mind, and proceeded with the wrap. 

"As I said it's nothing serious. But, I uh- I want to- T-talk about-"

Stuttering. Nothing makes Adam more nervous anymore than-

"Sex" Sauli finished for him.

Adam sagged, nodding. 

"Am I doing something wrong?"

Sauli frowned, a little taken aback by the sudden, blunt question.

"What? What makes you think that?"

"Then why would you rather jerk off to these pics than actually be with me?" Adam asked, gesturing towards the nightstand behind his back where Sauli keeps some of his pics, "Do you rather just watch me on a paper and fantasize about something I can't or know how to give to you?"

Sauli felt lost. His mouth gaped open and an amused chuckle made its way out, though he probably shouldn't be laughing since Adam is so serious.

Besides, he hasn't beat off to those pictures in a while. Those are for the nights Adam is staying with his parents'. 

"No. The only reason we haven't been doing the deed is that I don't want you to get more hurt. Besides, I did ride your brains out just last night"

Adam was a typical teen in this whole thing. Worrying too much about himself and if he's somehow inadequate. ‘Am I too chubby?’, ‘Do my love handles bother?’, ‘Maybe I’m not sexy’ etc.

"I know but-"

"I want to. So much. Every day. But currently you're hurt" Sauli insisted, finishing wrapping the compression and let Adam's foot down on the mattress. 

He rolled on top of Adam and cupped his face, 

"What's the big deal here, hey?"

"I'm just- I'm just so new to this. I may not be the greatest lover yet but I'm learning. But I surely don't feel like- Mmh"

Adam's lips were sealed by Sauli's mouth. Sauli kissed him rather hard, sucking on his plump lower lip and pressing up against him. He pulled away with a loud smack. 

"You're great" Sauli whispered, leaning close to Adam's ear, "Just the way you are and I don't want you to ever doubt that. If you do, however, wanna have sex now, you'll have to play by my rules. You can lie down and I will ride you"

All that would have made Adam shudder any other time but not today apparently. Not now.

"That doesn't exactly improve my abilities" he said quietly.

Sauli sighed and sat up on Adam's lap. This stubborn young man is something that can annoy Sauli to bits with his unnecessary doubts every now and then but yes, he also loves the universe out of him.

He understands Adam, he really does.

"Honey,,, You don't have to impress me with sex. You've done it already" He convinced. 

"But I want you to feel satisfied"

"This is the mistake you make all the time. You just can't seem to understand that you are enough to me without you continuously trying to be that"

"Right" Adam muttered, jerking his hips to hint that he wanted Sauli off his lap. Sauli did but he did not let Adam go, he lightly wrapped his fingers around his hand,

"Don't walk away. At least hear me finish. You might have been used to running away from unpleasant situations but you're not running away now" Sauli said, his tone strong enough to make Adam look at him and sit back down. 

"This is not that serious. Baby, you are indeed good enough to me. So stop trying" Sauli said, now gently stroking Adam's bicep, "You only end up being something you're not"

Adam sighed, rubbing his face tiredly,

"I'm so used to losing people exactly because of who I really am" He whispered, his voice so quiet Sauli hardly heard him.

"Well, you're not going to lose me because of it. I don’t want you to change yourself for me or try to be something else just to impress me. You're perfect" Sauli explained, feeling a tug in his heart strings when he saw the glistening tears in the corners of Adam's eyes, "Come here now"

Adam snuggled into Sauli's embrace and let out a long breath, maybe to calm himself and prevent the tears from falling.

"Of course I can't give any promises of our relationship lasting forever and stuff. But I can promise you that no matter what happens, I will always be in your life when you need me. And you certainly will always be a big part of my life"

Sauli kissed Adam's damp hair. Adam pulled away, smiling as he looked at Sauli properly in the eyes.

“I can live with that”

"That’s good" Sauli smiled, squeezing Adam's face between his palms, "I should go to the shower"

He couldn't deal with the way Adam looked like this; Face all squeezed between his palms and his cheeks looked so chipmunk-ey, so Sauli let go, laughing lovingly.

Adam grinned, 

"Oh but you promised to ride me"

"I did" Sauli winked, "That's after shower"

Adam pouted, falling on his back on the bed when Sauli got up. He had a change of heart at the bathroom door though and he turned around, returning on the bed.

"But before that" He started, his heart making at least ten extra beats in just a few seconds. Adam pushed himself up, a concerned frown on his face.

"Yeah?"

Sauli chewed on his lower lip, wondering how he should put it. He grabbed Adam's hand and brough it to his lips, "Can I share a secret?"

"Yeah"

"There's lots of things I love in this world. I love the sun, I love animals and my friends. My family, my job. The way you you make sounds in your sleep when you sleep on your back" 

"Do I snore?" Adam asked, suddenly terrified. 

"No" Sauli chuckled, shaking his head, "They're just these little,,, sounds. I also love how you always drink the coffee from the same mug at my place, almost like you've claimed it to be yours. I haven't let anyone else drink from it since"

Adam smiled and it made Sauli that much nervous. He ended up giving a squeeze to Adam's hand and sighed against his palm. 

"And I don't know if this is intentional or not, but when you slice say cheese or tomatoes or whatever, you always make sure it's an even number, not odd"

Adam chuckled, slightly tossing his head back. Sauli noticed him flush the tiniest bit,

"Oh my god, I can't believe you've noticed. But yeah, I do that intentionally. I go insane if the amount is odd"

Could he be more precious. 

"And when you concentrate really hard, you furrow your brows together and the tip of your tongue comes out of your mouth" Sauli smiled, noticing he could go on and on with the list forever but it would mean he'd chicken out from the thing he intended and wanted to do the most right now. 

"Bunny" Sauli started softly, bringing Adam's hand down from his lips, "Is that okay? Can I call you that?"

Adam couldn't stop chuckling as he nodded.

"Why do I find these habits so endearing? It's not the habits, it's the person doing them. Because I am-", just say it, "I'm- _desperately_ in love with you"

Adam's smile was replaced by shock, his greyish blue eyes staring back into him,

"You said- You said what? With,,, with,,, _me_?"

"I said,,, I'm in love with you. For a while now, actually. I was too much of a chicken to admit it. It was like that baseball game all over again; I started but never really-"

Adam chuckled again, pressing a finger on his lips to shut him up,

"Shh"

"Sorry" 

"Is it true? You're not just saying?"

Sauli shook his head,

"I'm dead serious. I'm actually so serious I can't even remember the last time I was this serious. I'm also a little scared because you haven't said anything back and I-"

"You're doing it again" Adam whispered, "Be shh. So I can say that I'm also head over heels in love with you"

"You are?" Sauli grinned, feeling a huge weight roll off his heart, "You are" 

"I am" Adam convinced, "I am"

Sauli pulled Adam into a furious hug and they fell on the bed, clinging onto each other like they had just gotten engaged instead. 

"I love you" Sauli whispered, breathing in the scent of Adam's body wash, " _I love you_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehhh *shrug*


	10. Vertigo 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roadtrip begins. So does spilling the secrets.

Sauli made the decision to tell his friends aka co-workers about his relationship with Adam. He wanted Adam to be involved in their free time activities as his boyfriend and there is one trip coming up where he really wants Adam to come as well.

Adam was more nervous about the revealded secret than he was but Sauli convinced him it was okay and nobody would want any trouble for them. Besides, most of them had guessed it already. Or so they said. 

Sauli took Adam to the pool outside the agency for a photoshoot later that day because he needed to get the photos today or they won't be ready before the smal trip.

"Hey! Warn me next time!" Adam squeaked when Sauli gushed a bucket of cold water on him while he was sitting on the edge of the pool, adjusting his shirt. 

"Sorry" Sauli grinned, putting the bucket aside and crouched behind Adam, sneaking his hands inside his shirt to tweak his nipples, "Gets your nipples hard"

"Duh, it was cold" Adam mumbled, "Guess what is most definitely _not_ hard after that surprise"

"Did it run away? I can fix that" Sauli murmured, but Adam swatted his hand away with a giggle and 'stop it' before he could go any further South. 

Sauli grinned, tipping Adam's head by the chin and stole one hasty kiss. When he pulled away, he noticed Adam was wearing the piercing blue contact lenses he had given to him earlier for this particular photoshoot.

"You know what, let's skip the photoshoot and have sex instead" He suggested, half-serious as his dick twitched.

"Not happening, everything's currently shriveled up" Adam said, "And I spent a glorious 30 minutes trying to get these contacts in my eyes so we're going to do this whether you want it anymore or not"

Sauli chuckled, pecking Adam once more on the lips before pulling away. He wouldn't really skip the photo session because he needs the photos but he's not too fond of the idea of shooting in the water. 

Sauli grabbed his waterproof camera and sat on the edge of the pool.

"What do I do?" Adam asked, eyeing the wet fabric that had clung to the skin of his chest and stomach, and pulled it off it. It was no use though, it stuck back to his skin the second he moved. 

"You can start by stopping touching the shirt" Sauli said, "And then get in the pool"

"If I have to get in the pool, then why did you have to pour that maliciously cold water on me first?" Adam asked, sliding into the pool. 

Sauli shrugged innocently, not wanting to admit that he didn't necessarily have a 'reason' to do it, he just wanted to hear Adam squeak and stop trying to put the shirt 'perfectly'. 

"Now go stand in the lower end of the pool, in front of the blue screen" 

Sauli usually avoids using background screens because editing them takes a long time but the idea of having a pool area as the background didn't sound too appealing. 

"And just,,, let loose. You know what to do" 

With only those instructions, he was able to get some beautiful shots of Adam. The spirit of the aquarius himself.

After the commercial photos, Sauli saved a few frames for the stash in his nightstand drawer. It's like their little thing by now; Adam was happy to offer him some more jerk off material for the nights Adam spends at his parents' place. 

When done with that, Sauli put his camera down and watched as Adam swam to him, not bothering by the wet clothes that were now soaking.

"Join me" He said, his voice a sultry purr. 

"No" Sauli chuckled, "We got work to do"

"Just for a bit" Adam pleaded, wrapping his fingers around Sauli's ankles. Sauli's 'fight or run' mode was instantly on and he grasped on the edge of the pool just in case. Not that it would help anything if Adam decided to pull him down. 

"I'm serious. We don't have time" 

When he felt the smallest tug on his leg, he wriggled his feet until he felt they were freed. But the freedom came with a groan of pain ringing in his ears. 

"No need to get violent" Adam said in a high pitched voice, pouting, and rubbed the right side of his chest, "Ouch"

"Sorry" Sauli cringed, reaching out to touch Adam because it was all he could think of. Normally if he accidentally hits Adam (usually when Adam tickles him so that's really his own fault. But it also happened once when Sauli attacked him with a heated kiss; jumping on him on the bed and hit him between his legs with a knee. Mood killed.), he kisses whatever he had hit. 

Now he couldn't though. 

"I just wanted to know what it feels like to make out in the water" Adam sighed, "They do it in movies"

"Well, I can't really help you with that" Sauli said dimly, "I'm not coming down in the pool"

Sauli's breathing was labored and his forehead was getting sweaty which Adam most likely noticed because his face changed quickly. 

"Everything okay?"

"I'm just not coming down in the pool" 

"That's okay, you don't have to" Adam said softly, still slightly frowning, "Now I feel like an idiot"

"No, no" Sauli rushed out, letting his feet down in the water, "I'm the idiot here. I'm the one with a PTSD when it comes to deep water"

"How?" Adam asked, seemingly shocked by Sauli's words, and he moved to stand on the ledge attached on the side of the pool, underneath the water surface. 

"Just some stupid childhood traumas I never bothered to work with" Sauli replied shortly, "I haven't been able to step in deep pools, lakes or seas since"

"Does it cause flashbacks?" Adam asked curiously. Sauli shook his head,

"No, just- Panic, I guess"

"Afraid that whatever happened then is going to happen again?" 

"Something like that"

Adam nodded, understanding. He bit his lip, pushing back from the ledge and instead just floated in the water with ease, looking up at Sauli. 

"You could join me now" He said.

"I could not" Sauli said right away.

"Don't you trust me?" Adam asked, sliding back close. 

Sauli does. But Adam's ankle is still tender during certain activities and standing on a slippy ledge in water might not do it any good. 

"Of course I do"

"Then why don't you?" Adam asked, slowly reaching out his hand, "Trust in me"

Sauli bit his lip. The look on Adam's face was almost desperate, pleading Sauli to trust into him and show it to him. 

"You wouldn't let go?" Sauli asked.

"Never"

Adam moved around in the pool to find the spot where his feet touch the bottom and the water reaches his chest. Too deep for Sauli's liking but at least Adam can stand in there. 

Adam came closer to the edge of the pool again.

Sauli took a deep breath and got up. He moved to the center of the pool and held, more of like clutched onto Adam's shoulders as he sank down into the pool. He wrapped his legs around Adam as well. 

"You're here now" Adam said softly and dropped his hands under Sauli's ass to keep him up, "Not to bad, is it?"

"Not when I am holding on to you for dear life" Sauli said, "No way I'd be doing this alone"

"You don't have to" Adam smiled, pushing Sauli against the wall of the pool, "I'm glad you're doing it with me"

~*~ 

During their road trip, at their first stop before the lake Sauli was most looking forward to, they staid at a motel near San Diego and Sauli was struggling to fall asleep. Scarlett found him sitting outside on a bench by the parking lot, smoking a cigarette.

"Since when have you started smoking again?" 

"Since now" Sauli said dimly and tapped the end of the cigarette with a finger before bringing it back on his lips, "Just trying to relax a bit"

"Everything alright?" 

Sauli brought his other hand up and showed her a can of a prescription drug. 

"Benzos? You haven't used any in years" Scarlett frowned, sitting down next to him. 

"Mm"

Sauli dropped his hand and took another drag of his cigarette. 

"I didn't take any. I was considering it though" Sauli said after he had exhaled the toxic fumes out in to the chilly air, "Went for a cigarette instead. Which, ironically, is apparently more harmful"

Scarlett looked around them, like she was worried about anyone seeing them. Or Sauli, more specifically. Because when the sunshine disappears, it usually causes some kind of trouble. Or at least lots of frowning.

"Why? Something happened?"

"Adam happened" Sauli mumbled. 

"Adam?" Scarlett frowned, "Did you guys break up or something?"

"No" Sauli chuckled, the thought plain amusing to him. Like Scarlett was silly for even thinking something like that; something that could never happen. At least in Sauli's naive mind. 

"Okay? Then what?" 

Sauli felt extremely tempted to grasp on the chance to talk about it. Someone was opening the door and he had a chance to step in, but he felt like he was betraying Adam if he did.

"You have to promise me not to bring it up _ever_ " Sauli pressured, "Can you do that?"

Scarlett nodded sincerely.

Sauli stomped his cigarette under the bench. He tried to think of the way how to drop the bomb because it's going to be a shock to her anyway, especially since she has recently grown fond of Adam's innocence and heart that wants no harm to anyone. 

Before Sauli could even form a proper word, the drug can dropped from his palm and he brought his shaky hands to his face. 

"I'm losing him, Scarlett" He croaked, voice muffled both by his own hands and by the lump in his throat, "He's killing himself... Slowly but surely" 

"What?" Came the shocked yet patient reaction, "What'd you mean?"

"I could be wrong but I'm almost one hundred percent sure that I'm not... I think Adam has an eating disorder"

Scarlett was quiet for several seconds which now felt like very many agonizing minutes. Sauli was out of words too, even more shocked by his observation now that he has said it out loud and it's no longer just a painful secret inside of his head. 

He had thought about it a lot lately but he remembered how serious it actually is when Adam skipped another meal earlier today. 

"How did you come up with this?"

"I didn't just 'come up with this'" Sauli defended though he knew Scarlett didn't mean he was making it up, "I first noticed something was off when Adam kept having regular stomach cramps. I mean they weren't regular, but reoccurring. He passed it off as digestion problems with lactose or gluten"

"And you have a reason to doubt that?" 

Sauli sighed, nodding.

"I went to a store on Monday to get groceries for at least the next two days so I could head home straight from work on Tuesday and Wednesday. I bought some treats to my stash because I noticed it was empty and I knew Adam happily enjoyed a bar or chocolate in the evenings and that was okay, nothing that would have caught my attention. But the cupboard was empty within a few days. Again" Sauli explained, looking around them to make sure no one was eavesdropping, "He exercises. Not abnormally lot but he gets these weird time periods when he jogs and runs and uses the gym at the agency every day. He has a terribly twisted body image. And I really mean _terribly_ "

"Aw. Poor boy" Scarlett said quietly, "Anything that would give hints about purging?"

"Adam's clever. He doesn't usually just excuse himself right after meals. But I found some laxatives under the bed when I was cleaning, he had most likely dropped it there" 

Sauli remembers how he shrugged it off at first; Who wouldn't have suffered from constipation from time to time? And knowing Adam, he might just be too embarrassed to put such drugs anywhere where they can be easily found. 

But when Sauli started to connect the dots and fill in the missing pieces, finding them didn't seem like a little thing anymore. Adding all of that to his depressive moods and past, and even current, self-harm, gave Sauli a thought he hasn't been able to drop since. 

"Wow. I'm just- I'm shocked" Scarlett admitted, "I wouldn't have guessed"

"Me neither. I never thought such things could hit so close to home" Sauli said, rubbing his tired face, "Surely he's not the first nor the last one of my models to have an eating disorder, no matter how much I try to celebrate healthy minds and bodies. Pardon my french, but I've grown so numb and used to all of that in this industry that lot of the times I don't really bat an eye for it but this is _Adam_ we're talking about"

"You don't have to explain, I get it" Scarlett smiled, "Adam's your boyfriend and you love him. Of course it's a different thing. And he really needs you right now if this is all true"

Sauli scoffed mostly subconsciously,

"Of course he does. Everybody always need me. It never occurs to anyone that I might need _them_ for a change. I'm always holding the pieces together for others while mine are falling apart" Sauli noticed Scarlett shift and he immediately regretted the choice of his words, "Sorry. I didn't mean that I don't wanna be the person who listens to dramas and troubles. I'm just saying that sometimes it gets a bit too much"

Scarlett sighed, sitting back more comfortably and brought her other foot on the bench. 

"You have to remember that Adam's just a kid though"

"Now that sounds just wrong" Sauli mumbled, "I'm sleeping with him"

Scarlett chuckled, shaking her head. Her chuckles made Sauli smile the slightest bit.

"No" She said, "Kid as in he doesn't know how to deal with things, he's only 17. And even if he was 18, it doesn't mean he's suddenly able to handle life perfectly after that one birthday"

"I'm 24 and I don't know how to deal with things" Sauli said, his smile fading, "I'm not mad at him for being young or having a mental illness. Es. I'm rather disappointed he doesn't trust me enough to talk about it"

Which is ironic because he just kind of hinted that listening to deep troubles of other people can get extremely exhausting. 

"Have you told him about your past benzo addiction?" 

"He's a kid, he wouldn't understand"

Scarlett cocked her eyebrow at him and he has no choice but to give in,

"Point taken" 

"I'm sure he trusts you just as much as you trust him. But sore subjects can be extremely difficult to discuss, even with those we trust with our entire hearts" She said knowingly and he couldn't help but agree. 

After a friendly hug and good night wishes, Scarlett went back inside the motel. Sauli only came back to his and Adam's shared room when he felt like he was able to breathe again. Watching Adam search for whatever goodies, such as forgotten dollars or even the holy bible, from the room earlier like everything was perfectly great left Sauli with a suffocating sensation and he had to get out. 

Adam had since fallen asleep so Sauli tried to be as quiet as he possibly could. After taking off his shoes, he fell on the arm chair and gazed at Adam's peaceful body, chest slowly rising and falling with his soft breaths.

What if it suddenly stopped rising? 

Sauli felt a sting in his eyes and he swallowed with a struggle. No, that won't happen just like that. He pulled the benzo can out of his pocket again and stared at it, hating how much he craved for them. All those WebMd articles, all those chats, all those lives that ended too soon because of a monster called an eating disorder. 

They all haunted him. 

He should have just staid out of the Internet. 

"It'll pass" He quietly told himself, exhaling calmly, "It always does"

He put the can away and got up before he could take any. Adam, being a light sleeper in strange places, briefly woke up. Sauli could see him open his eyes and look at him, but he drifted back to sleep almost instantly; he just turned to his side. 

Sauli undressed himself and took a sip of water before sliding into the bed, all but glueing himself against Adam's back and threw his arm aroud him.

"You smell like cigarettes" Adam mumbled, "I didn't know you smoke"

 _I didn't know you have a tendency to flush your meals down the toilet before they can even absorb_. 

"I'm on a vacation. Gimme a break" Sauli murmured, squeezing Adam so hard he might have as well knocked his wind out.

"You sound funny" Adam observed. 

"So do you"

"That's because you're not letting me breathe" Adam said, wriggling so Sauli would loosen his hold a bit. 

He did. A little.

Sauli brought his mouth on the back of Adam's neck and squeezed his eyes shut. Even if he could distract the tears, he couldn't stop the shuddering breath which Adam noticed. 

"Why are you crying?" He asked, whispering, "Is everything alright?"

There it was again. The door. Being held open. This time by Adam himself.

"I'm good. Just some work stress that's breaking through now" 

"Aw" 

Adam turned around so Sauli had no choice but to reluctantly let him. Adam cupped his face, a small frown slowly appearing on his face as he looked at him like he could see through him. He didn't, however, say anything. 

And neither did Sauli. After a sweet goodnight kiss, he finally tried to catch some sleep again.

~*~ 

The next day they reached the lake which will be their camping spot. They will have to sleep in the campervans but that's part of the charm.

Or in a tent outside. That's what Lee and Scarlett did the last time. And the time before that when Sauli had no idea why would they do that. Didn't take long to figure it out.

Adam wasn't much of a beach person. Or social event kind of person, that is. 

Sauli was the latter but not the former so that caused a small bump in their time together. Sauli felt Scarlett touch his arm when she passed him and as he glanced over at her, she nodded towards a large tree. Sauli saw Adam lying underneath its leaves, the shadow protecting him from the hot beams of sunlight.

Sauli approached him and fell on the ground next to him. 

"Are you avoiding the company of my friends?" He asked casually. 

Adam opened his eyes,

"No. I'm avoiding the sun"

"And the company of my friends" Sauli observed because he was certain that Adam was doing exactly that. Adam sighed, 

"Not because I dislike them or anything, I just feel a bit of a-" Adam stopped the sentence and looked towards the small crowd on the beach, "Seventh wheel"

Sauli chuckled, sitting up as well. 

"You're my boyfriend so therefore you and I make one wheel together" He said and brought his hand on Adam's shoulder, pressing his own chin on top of it, "And they're already planning a drunken spin the bottle for the night"

"Spin the bottle?" Adam snickered but the horror was clear on his face, "What are we, 13?"

"Would you rather enjoy a drunken Never Have I Ever with sex related questions" Sauli grinned, " 'Never have I ever had sex with someone else in the same room or space',,, Just for example"

" _Shut. Up_ " Adam hissed, his face flushing as he made sure no one was nearby, "They were all passed out and in another dimension. They didn't know a thing!"

Sauli snickered, 

"Or then they just pretended not to, to save us all from the embarrassment" He teased, enjoying Adam's terrified face a little too much, "Don't worry, we were tightly under the covers. And no one could hear your pleasured whimpers through Brian's snores"

"Oh my god"

"God, I'm such a terrible influence on you" Sauli said after his mischievous chuckles had winded down a notch. 

"Oh well, I can't say I didn't enjoy it" Adam said, "But I'm sure I won't enjoy any drinking games either"

~*~ 

Sauli enjoyed the gentle caress of the water. He couldn't decided which he enjoyed more; the water or the beautiful view of the moon shining against the surface of the lake.

Others went to continue their lil' drunken roll to a pub nearby but Sauli decided to stay at the their 'camp' with Adam. He didn't want to leave him alone though Adam insisted Sauli to go and not miss the fun because of him. 

Sauli turned around to see Adam sitting on the pier with a towel around his hips, feet in the water. 

"Why are you there and not down here with me?"

"I'm letting you and the water get to know each other" Adam winked, "Didn't wanna be a third-wheel"

Sauli snickered, reaching out his hand and crooked his finger suggestively,

"Well, the water says it accepts threesome so come down here"

"But I'm naked" Adam whispered loudly. 

"So am I" Sauli replied with a whisper, "No one is here to see"

Sauli didn't need to persuade him for long. Anything that includes Sauli naked gets him enthusiastic about pretty much anything. Sometimes Sauli really is grateful for those teenager hormones. 

Adam untied the towel and let it fall open, and slid into the water. He came closer and Sauli immediately threw his arms around his neck.

"Now tell me, have you enjoyed yourself or has this trip been a complete disaster?" He asked, wanting to think that he was entirely joking but he knew there was a chance Adam regrets for even coming. Not that he would say it out loud. 

"I've had a good time" Adam said, holding onto Sauli's hips, "Despite of the fact that your friends now know I've had spontaneous sex in a car, gone commando to work, sent a nude pic to someone and slept with my boss"

"I'm pretty sure they already knew the last one" Sauli chuckled but then got serious, moving his hands from Adam's neck to his chest, "I hope you ddn't get traumatized or mortified"

"By sex related drinking game?" Adam snickered, "Hardly. Though it was interesting to witness while sober"

"No" Sauli giggled, "Not the game itself. But the revelations _I_ made during the game"

Adam sighed, dropping his forehead against Sauli's,

"I know you had boyfriends and whatever booty calls before me so no, I'm not mortified. Though I'm surprised we've never discussed your kinks"

"We have time" Sauli murmured, "But considering you were still a virgin when I met you and it took a while to make you comfortable and confident with just normal vanilla sex, I thought maybe, just _maybe_ it wasn't a right time to tell you about my kinks"

"You got a point" Adam smiled, "Speaking of sex,,, The van is empty and others are somewhere God know where..."

"I like the way you think" Sauli murmured, gently pinching both of Adam's nipples, "Wanna go now?"

Adam gave an approving smirk when Sauli slid his hand into his. They passed the pier so Adam could grab his towel, then rushed to the vans. 

Sauli felt like a 15-year-old when they entered the bus, giggling and nearly tripping on things that were laying on the floor on their way.

Adam nudged Sauli on the other bed and straddled his hips.

"There is a possibility though that they will come back any second” Sauli informed, running his hands along Adam's sides and back; just wanting to touch any bit of naked skin he could reach. 

"I don't really care" Adam whispered, pushing his lips against Sauli's. Sauli sighed in bliss, dropping his other hand down between their bodies to fondle Adam's cock, finding it already partly filled up. 

Yet another thing to love about youth. 

Sauli lowered his hand some more, touching the underside of Adam's balls and the space behind them. Adam's body shivered lightly, 

"That feels good…"

"Doesn't it..." Sauli whispered, giving the cock a few firm strokes more before reaching towards the floor and pulled his bag closer. He pulled out a lube and a condom.

"This was predictable so I put them there to wait for us" Sauli confessed, "But first,,, Bring that beautiful cock of yours here, I wanna suck it"

"Did you just call it beautiful?" Adam asked, sheepishly giggling as he fixed his position and straddled Sauli's chest instead. 

"I did" Sauli murmured, grasping on Adam's ass and pulled him just a little bit closer, "Only speaking the truth, baby"

When Sauli opened his mouth, Adam pulled his hips back with a mischievous grin and left Sauli smacking his lips. 

"Don't play with me" He said in a low tone and reached out to wrap his fingers around the shaft and gave it a hard tug which made Adam's hips twitch automatically and a delicious gasp escaped his throat. 

Adam gave in and let Sauli wrap his lips around his cock. He glanced over his owm shoulder towards Sauli’s crotch and gave a pleased hum when he saw how his body was affecting Sauli.

Sauli found Adam's power position a serious turn-on. He would happily toss his head back and let Adam fuck his mouth if he wanted.  
 

~*~

Sauli squeezed the air out of the tip of the condom and rolled it down Adam’s rock hard shaft. Adam’s breath hitched at the smallest touch and Sauli had a feeling this might not last long.

They enjoy long foreplays but sometimes when they decide to actually fuck, it can drastically shorten the act. 

"Now,,, Fuck me"

Sauli saw Adam close his eyes and grab the base of his dick while taking a several long breaths.

"Why are you saying all these things now?" He asked, aligning his cock to Sauli's hole and slowly pushed inside.

"To make you go crazy" Sauli said innocently. 

Fuck, Sauli had almost forgot what it felt like to have Adam inside of him. He felt so large, leaving him feeling incredibly full and all kinds of blissed. 

Adam leaned down to lock their lips and started thrusting slowly. 

Sauli, as usually, tangled his fingers in Adam’s hair. He loves doing it when they’re this close to each other. No matter are they cuddling or having sex, he just really wants to touch Adam's hair in one way or another. 

The window next to them was getting more and more steamy as they moved and panted. The night wasn't exactly chilly so they might have to get in the lake again after they're done. 

Sauli let his hands fall from Adam’s hair when the pace of the thrusts quickened, and instead moved them on Adam's ass. 

It's the other thing he always wants to touch no matter what they're doing. 

Their kiss turned hungrier; there was more tongue involved, even some akward bumping.

"Keep going, baby… You feel so fucking incredible inside of me" Sauli groaned into the kiss and gave an encouraging squeeze to the plump ass cheeks underneath his palms.

Adam’s dick was brushing his prostate on every thrust which left him breathless but when it _really_ hit him there when Adam angled his hips a little differently, Sauli couldn’t help the yelp of pleasure.

Every noise he made seemed to add more fuel to Adam’s fire.

He couldn’t keep the moans inside of his mouth any longer either. Sauli enjoys nothing more than hearing those sweet sounds of pleasure. He has told Adam many times that they turn him on more than anything else and he should never be embarrassed because of them.

Adam pulled away from the kiss and sat back on his heels between Sauli’s spread legs to get some more leverage as he thrusted his hips.

Sauli watched him with pure admiration and affection, and also with burning lust when Adam tossed his head back in bliss. The sweat was glistening beautifully on his neck and chest. 

"Oh my god..." He whispered so quietly Sauli could barely hear it, "Why is this so incredible?"

Sauli couldn’t agree more.

"Adam… Please…" He whispered, making Adam’s head perk back up. Adam understood right away what he meant.

He wrapped his hand around Sauli’s now leaking cock that lay prominently against Sauli’s abs. By now Adam knows a lot about his body and what he likes and what not, what he prefers etc. 

And during sex he knows when to stroke slowly and when a little faster, when to twist and when to squeeze and what not.

Adam ran his thumb over the wet tip and smeared the wetness on the shaft, then started to jerk him off fast. 

Sauli tossed his head back on the pillows and moaned in pleasure, grasping the pillowcase. 

Adam’s thrusts were turning erratic, one of the certain signs that he was getting close, and his focus on the hand job was pushed on the back of his head. 

Sauli placed his own hand on top of Adam’s and kept rubbing.

"Shit, I'm gonna-” Adam gasped, pushing his hips down hard and staid there, moan torn out of his mouth. Sauli felt his entire body twitch in pleasure. 

Adam's loud moan and his euphoric face sent Sauli over the edge too. He spilled over their joined hands and on his abdomen.

Sauli released their hands and no long before Adam collapsed on top of him. The friction caused by the skin of Adam's stomach made Sauli’s cock twitch a few times.

"Oh" Adam smiled, wriggling his body innocently as if to settle better. 

"Stop" Sauli chuckled, though a little breathless. Adam nuzzled Sauli’s neck and pulled his hips back and let his dick fall out of Sauli's body. 

He looked more than a little sheepish when Sauli helped him to roll off the condom because his own hands were still shaking due to his powerful orgasm.

Like always, Sauli just smiled at him lazily and sweetly. He tied the condom and tossed it to the small trash can nearby while Adam tried to look for something to wipe their bodies with.

With no tissues in sight, he had to use one of his own shirts.

"Remind me not to wear this before I've washed this" He said. 

"For sure. Ew" Sauli said and wrinkled his nose when Adam tossed the shirt on the floor. 

Sauli cupped Adam's face and gazed into his eyes,

"I love you so much… You’re absolutely incredible” He whispered, bringing Adam's head down on his chest and kissed the top of his head. 

Adam smiled, 

"Love you too and so are you"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little story, my friend's boyfriend's car doesn't have any kind of air conditioning and I spent a glorious 2,5h there today and I was SO uncomfortable and as I was trying to sleep a little, more and more fic ideas started to pop into my head.  
> Apparently the more my brains melt, the more productive they become.


	11. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Planning Christmas, drinking, having sex...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was almost identical to the old one, only a few changes and additions.

Their next stop was a resort in Palm Springs and it's one of those places where Sauli can't put his camera down. He's not sure if they're even allowed in the pool area but so far no one has told him to ditch the camera. 

Except Adam.

"Stop it. At least put it out of my face, I'm not very photogenic right now" He said, blocking the lense of the objective with his palm and pushed the camera down.

"You look good, in my honest opinion" Sauli said but put his camera aside for a second, "But I can't help it. Work follows me everywhere"

"This is your vacation. Just relax for once, you deserve it" Adam said. 

"I'm a workaholic, what can you do" Sauli said and looked around himself, seeing people in their swimsuits and swim trunks, having fun and relaxing. Adam was relaxing but he was under an umbrella, wearing black shorts and a tank top. 

He wanted to point it out but decided not to. He was surprised Adam joined them by the pool anyway, he really expected him to stay inside. 

"What are your plans for Christmas?" Sauli asked then. 

Adam was a little surprised by the sudden question so he just shrugged,

"I don't know. I don't really celebrate Christmas that much. I mean I like the holidays but I don't really plan anything special"

"I might have something special if you're interested" Sauli said, smiling. He felt his heart thudding fast, like he was asking a crush out for the first time.

"I'm listening" Adam smiled. 

"I'm going to Finland to see my friends and family. I would love it if you came with me" Sauli said, "I'll make a quick stop in Paris before going to Finland. I have a business meeting and I'd love to take you out to dinner. And walk in the snowy streets of Paris"

Mentioning the dinner probably wasn't the best idea considering his lately doubts about Adam but Adam didn't seem too stressed about it, vice versa. Or he's just really good at hiding it. 

"I'd love to" He said with an easy smile but it turned into a frown quickly, "I have to ask my parents, obviously. Must be fun to date someone who always needs to ask their parents"

Sauli snickered, reaching out to squeeze Adam's knee,

"I don't really care. As long as I have you, I can handle parents"

"Even my dad?"

"Even your dad" Sauli squeaked, which made Adam chuckle. He doesn't know what it is but Adam's father stirs his spine. Maybe because he's so large and was never enthusiastic about their age difference. 

But he's a really fun fella. 

But Sauli would much rather avoid him until Adam turns 18.

~*~

One of the bars nearby allowed minors in, or more of like they didn't check anybody's I.D.'s so of course Adam was going to drink. Sauli wasn't, however, prepared for him to get _so_ wasted and see his friends encourage him when he came back from the bathroom.

"Jesus, guys, enough with the shots" He hissed when he entered the booth, and pulled the shot glass further away from Adam, "You do realize he's my responsibility? If something happens to him under influence, I'm screwed. And I'm not nearly as afraid of the police as I am of Adam's parents if that happens"

One of the things he loathes in drunken people is that they often don't know when to stop with certain things. Especially when it comes to drinking with a minor. 

"I have a mind of my own" Adam said to him and held his finger up, his voice only a little bit slurry. Then his eyes focused on his own hand and Sauli couldn't quite read his expression; it was both awe and confusion. 

Sauli looked at him, eyebrows raised in a questioning way. 

"Hey this is a fingerless glove" Adam observed.

Sauli couldn't help but chuckle, amused,

"Yes, it is"

"How fascinating" Adam said, slumping back and studied the said glove. Sauli exchanged a grin with his friends, especially Scarlett, and shook his head as he chuckled,

"You guys, he's completely smashed"

"He's going to have a killer hangover" Tommy pointed out, "But what the hell, just like we all" he added, drowning down another drink. 

"Why make gloves with no fingers" Adam wondered out loud, "What's the point?"

"Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" Sauli asked. 

"No" Adam said, slamming his hands against the table, "Bring it on"

Sauli sighed, shaking his head. 

It didn't even surprise him that later that night he had to save Adam from a bathroom stall because he was too drunk to even know where he was. Glad he at least still knew how to pee. 

But when it came to tucking back in, Sauli was glad the bathroom was empty. After tucking him _a little_ better, Sauli helped pushed him back into the stall, locked the door and sat him on the toilet. 

He was swaying even when sitting down. 

"Had enough now?" Sauli asked, partly even mocking. He honestly felt irritated that Adam would take so many shots he ends up in this condition. Okay, his first time drinking and he might not know his boundaries or hold his liquor well, but still. 

Adam nodded miserably. He wrapped his arms around Sauli's waist and pressed his cheek to his stomach,

"Don't leave me alone in here"

"Of course I'm not leaving you alone in here" Sauli said, frowning, and crouched down, "What you talking about?"

"Someone bought me a drink" Adam said, "And I drank it"

"Yeah? Someone you didn't know?"

Adam nodded. Obviously Adam was already wasted before but right now he was almost in haze, barely keeping up, so Sauli felt like this specific drink might be the reason and he hated to think of it. 

"Do you think he put something in the drink?" Sauli asked, rubbing Adam's knees. 

"I don't know" Adam whined, "I just feel so strange..."

"Okay, that's it. You and I are going back to the hotel" Sauli decided and stood up, helping Adam on his feet as well, "I turn my back for one second and there you are, accepting drinks from god knows who"

This was the first time he felt like he was being a babysitter to Adam instead of being his boyfriend. 

"I'm sorry..."

_You have any idea what could have happened if I wasn't here?_ , Sauli thought, but decided not to say it out loud. Blaming Adam wouldn't do any good at this point, he can hear about it tomorrow.

~*~ 

Getting Adam back to the hotel was surprisingly challenging. His legs were a bit wobbly and he had to stop by a couple of trash cans to throw up as his body forced the excessive alcohol, and god knows maybe even food, out of his system.

When they finally got to the hotel, he pushed Adam straight inside the elevator.

"I'm sorry" Adam pouted when Sauli couldn't hide the irritation on his face.

"Just try to stay on your feet" Sauli said as Adam leaned against him with a little too much bodyweight. He turned Adam around so he was leaning against the wall of the elevator. 

The doors were nearly closed before they opened again and a man stepped in with two kids. There was a boy sleeping on the man's arms and a little girl clutched onto his other hand. 

"Perfect" Sauli murmured under his breath and grasped onto Adam's waist to gurantee that he won't fall in front of the said kids, at least not too hard and suddenly, and make things awkward for them all. 

The little girl, partly hiding behind her father's leg, was staring at Sauli curiously. To Sauli it looked like she knew something about him; there was something secretive in her eyes. 

His father tried to quietly tell her not to stare but it did nothing. So the man finally turned around himself to see what was so interesting. Sauli expected him to roll his eyes at such sight - gays. Drunken gays, to be exact. But it never happened, instead of that he just smiled,

"Rough night?"

"For some of us, yeah" Sauli said, glancing at Adam whose eyes were now closed. 

"Your boyfriend?" The man asked then. 

Sauli nodded. 

"Me and my husband were the same when we were younger" He said in a tone that told 'it's okay, I've been worse', "He was a little older than me. I wasn't holding my liquor that well either, so"

"I'm holding my liquor" Adam suddenly said, only partly slurry, but he still looked like he was dozing off so Sauli tightened his arm around him, "It's the liquor that's not holding me well. I am very hard to hold"

Sauli felt second-hand embarrassment but fortunately the man just chuckled along with him. 

"Now I know him!" The girl exclaimed, tugging on her father's shirt, "He was in daddy's secret magazine"

At that even Adam's eyes snapped open.

"H-how many times I have told you not to touch the top drawer?" The father asked the girl, not really mad but flustered and highly embarrassed. What does he know about embarrassment, Sauli thought, I've just been exposed. 

"I'm terribly sorry, she must be mistaken" He said.

"Nono, unfortunately she is right" Sauli cringed, "I was young and hot, and in desperate need for money"

" _Really_ " Adam said in a high pitched, 'we have a lot to talk about', tone.

"I'm not judging" The father said and he sounded like he really meant it, trying to hide his snickers himself. 

"I appreciate that. This is our floor" Sauli said when the elevator stopped and he really thanked the timing as it saved him from further uncomfortable talk. 

Sauli pulled Adam out of the elevator.

"You're so red" Adam informed, giggling, "I've never seen you look so embarrassed"

"Oh, shush" Sauli said and rolled his eyes, pulling the keycard out of his pocket. He unlocked the door to their room and pulled Adam in, then shut the door. 

He decided to take care of Adam first. He pulled the covers down from the bed and sat Adam down on the edge of it, then he bent down to pull off his boots.

Whilst doing that, Adam himself managed to tug off his fingerless gloves and jewelries. 

When done with the boots, Sauli moved to take off Adam's jacket. As he was placing it on the chair, Adam had pulled off his top. 

"Lay down" Sauli said. Adam obeyed, looking way too smug when Sauli started to unbutton his pants. 

"Blowjob?"

"Not tonight, darling" Sauli chuckled, "I'm just helping you to get undressed"

"That's what you do when you blow me" Adam pointed out, "Except two nights ago when you blew me in the bathroom stall"

Sauli snickered, managing to pull Adam's pants off his legs along with his briefs. 

"Just go to sleep, you're going to be in so much agony tomorrow morning. The more you sleep, the easier it should be on you" Sauli said and folded Adam's pants on the chair and tucked him under the covers, "I'll get some toner and remove your make up" 

He got a toner from his bag and put some on a cotton pad, then proceeded to remove at least some of Adam's make up. He knows how harmful it can be for his skin. 

He was relieved to see Adam dozing off. 

Sauli brushed his own teeth and changed out of his club clothes, then joined Adam to bed.

~*~ 

The following morning Adam woke up when Sauli sat on the bed after a quick run to the store nearby. He tried to be careful but the bed jostled anyway.

Adam laid on his stomach and he moaned pitifully the second he raised his head, so he returned it on the pillow right away. 

"How do you feel, sunshine?" Sauli asked, "Do those shots still sound like a good idea?"

"With all my love,,, Fuck you" Adam grumpled and it made Sauli snicker. But enough of the teasing, he knows how terrible a hungover can be, let alone the first hungover when you had no idea what was coming.

"I have some fresh juice" Sauli said then, reaching out to gently scratch Adam's scalp. 

"God, no"

"Then how about just water? Baby, you are dehydrated, you'll feel better after you get some water down"

Adam pushed himself up just enough so he could roll on his back and slowly sit up.

"Oh god, I'll never drink again" He said when Sauli gave him a bottle of cold water. 

"I'm almost sure you will" Sauli smiled, "But I'd be very glad if you didn't over-do it anymore. I was very worried"

"Sorry" Adam said quietly, sipping the water, "I lost control. I don't know what got into me..."

He gave the bottle back to Sauli who put it on the nightstand. Adam laid back down and threw his arm over his eyes to block any excessive light coming from the windows. Even the small beams of sunlight coming inside from the sides of the curtain were too much. 

"You know drinking that much can be really dangerous. Especially when it comes to accepting drinks from strangers" 

"I did that?" Adam frowned, "Fuck, I'm sorry. Am I dying?" He asked.

Sauli laughed quietly, petting Adam's hair,

"Not from the hungover, I promise you that"

"I'm naked" Adam observed, "Did you undress me?"

"Yes. I promise I didn't do anything inappropriate" Sauli said. 

"I didn't think you did" 

Adam turned on his stomach again and groaned into the pillow.

"I don’t remember anything"

Maybe he doesn't remember the fact that Sauli has been in an adult magazine. 

"Well,,, You threw up like 7 times and could barely walk"

"Eighth time coming" Adam managed to say and stormed up from the bed to the bathroom.

Sauli heard him vomit and he cringed. The boy must have lost everything from his body during the night. He needs to make sure Adam drinks enough water today.

And they should return to LA today too. Days just fly when there is not stress involved.

Adam came back from the bathroom and collapsed on the bed on his stomach.

_That ass though_ , Sauli thought to himself. Adam crawled up and turnd on his side, hugging Sauli's pillow to his chest, his breathing labored. 

Sauli tucked Adam back under the covers until his dick would take an interest in his ass or his impressive flaccid cock, and kissed his forehead.

"No lips?" Adam pouted.

"No, baby, ew, you just threw up" Sauli teased lovingly and pecked Adam on the upper lip instead. He sat himself against the headboard of the bed and placed a pillow on his crotch, then tapped the space between his legs.

"Come here, I'll rub your head"

Adam moved with a struggle, bringing his head on Sauli's lap. Sauli placed his fingertips on Adam's temples and started to rub soothingly, gently, not with too much pressure.

Adam nearly purred at the touch,

"That feels good"

"I know. Just relax. You can sleep some more if you feel like that. The hangover might ease a bit"

Adam hummed, closing his eyes. 

”How long will this last?”

“The hangover?" Sauli asked, "It depends”

Sauli didn’t want to tell him that the headache might last the whole day. In the worst cases it might continue till the next morning. It's very unlikely though because Adam is so young.

"The more you drink water, the sooner it gets better" Sauli told him.

“Okay... When do we need to leave back to LA?”

“Don’t worry about it. Tommy is likely as hangover as you so we don’t have any rush. We might be back in LA by the night”

Adam just hummed. Sauli dragged his fingertips to Adam’s hairline and kept them there for a moment, before he placed his thumbs on the top of Adam’s scalp and his other fingers massaged the sides.

Adam sighed in bliss.

"Maybe I won't die after all... I'm glad I have you to take care of me"

~*~ 

Travelling is always nice, but home is always home. And Sauli was happy to be back home after the trip that suprisingly nearly brought back his old, bad habits.

He heard some happy barking and enthusiastic doggy steps coming downstairs. Fluffie approached them happily and excitedly jumped against Sauli’s legs.

"Fluffie! I missed you too! Oh my goodness, have you grown?!" Sauli squeaked, scratching the back of the dog's ears, "Did you have fun with aunt Pia?"

"I had fun with him" Came a female voice. The girl, Pia, walked to them and gave Sauli a welcoming, friendly hug.

"How was your trip?" Pia asked Sauli after she pulled away.

"Oh, it was wonderful. Pia, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Adam" Sauli proudly smiled and wrapped his arm around Adam's waist, "Adam, this is Pia. We go way back, we met soon after I moved to LA. She's my puppy watcher whenever I leave the town"

"I've heard about you" Pia smiled , "And Sauli's been talking about you" 

Adam just smiled at her.

"But I'll leave you guys alone now. See you around" She said and picked her stuff up from underneath the coat rack. She had already packed her bag ready.

"Okay. And thanks once again for looking after Fluffie and keeping my house clean" Sauli said, giving her a kiss on the cheek and opened the door for her.

The gentleman that he is.

“Anytime” She smiled and waved a good-bye to Adam too, then left. Sauli closed the door after Pia left and smirked at Adam.

"What?" Adam chuckled.

"In addition to Fluffie, I've really missed our bed" He said and grabbed Adam's hand, pulling him along with him to upstairs. Their bed is perfectly bouncy and just the right amount of soft and hard. In other words, perfect. 

"I bet it has missed us just as much" Sauli continued and settled in the middle of the bed. He curled his finger at Adam who smirked, crawling on top of him. 

"Or not. What if it doesn't like being hit against the wall?" Adam frowned, touching the headboard which has banged against the wall too many times in the past. Maybe Sauli needs a new bed. A heavier one that doesn't move so easily. 

"Good point. Maybe we should treat it nicely then" Sauli joked but then got incredibly distracted by Adam's eyes and he suddenly remembered things from their little trip that they should be talking about instead of having all the sex. 

"You know..." Sauli started, petting Adam's cheek with his thumb, "If there was ever anything on your heart... You know you can always talk to me, right?"

"Yeah, I know..." Adam frowned, "Why do you say this to me now?"

"Just wanted to remind you... In case something is up-"

“Why do you assume something is up with me?" Adam asked, his tone clearly frustrated and it made Sauli both want to back off and keep pushing. Usually the more worked up one becomes over a certain subject, the more likely it is that something about it bothers them. 

So he could just bring it up now. Just skin the damn cat. Maybe Adam would talk about it if Sauli brought it up so he wouldn't have to. 

"Well, considering you still cut and your eating habits are what they are-"

Adam pushed Sauli's hand off his face, intending to get up but Sauli wouldn't let him. 

"I am not going to let go until you talk" Sauli firmly said, feeling awful for pressuring but if something was eating Adam from the inside, he wants to know what it is, "Escaping situations will only lead you to face them later. They won’t magically just disappear"

Adam sighed. He looked thoughtful and it gave Sauli some hope that he might talk about it after all. 

“I know what you're doubting and the answer is no. I’m not sick in any way. If there was something to tell, I would tell you"

He looked at Sauli with some kind of hurt in his eyes. Sauli could see it but he couldn't quite recognize or name it. He didn't know why exactly he looked so hurt. Was it because he was feeling so vulnerable and he hated it or because Sauli kept assuming he's "sick" in some way?

“Why would I bother to believe in you and the things you say when you don’t believe a word I say to you?” Adam asked quietly. 

The classic switch-it-around... But it still worked when he put it like that. Sauli didn't want to be the person who always talks and tells to believe but never believes when someone else talks. 

Adam is right. He should be able to put his own doubts aside for once and trust in the fact that Adam would tell him if there was something going on in his life. But it's not always so easy when you deal with different symptoms of anxiety. 

Sauli has a _massive_ fear of losing Adam. Whether it is him leaving because he falls out of love, gets bored or because something bad happens to him - It all terrifies Sauli equally. 

“I’m sorry. Of course I trust and believe in you. Sometimes it’s just hard to push the doubts away... I'm only asking because I love you. A lot" Sauli smiled and cupped Adam's face, pressing their foreheads together, "And I'd hate it if you were dealing with something all alone"

"I love you for worrying about me" Adam said, "But I'm okay. And I promise you I'd tell you if something was up"

Sauli just nodded and pressed an affectionate kiss between Adam's eyebrows. 

"And I'll show you just how fine I am” Adam smiled, small smirk playing on his lips.

"Uuh, I like the sound of that” Sauli murmured, eagerly accepting the kiss Adam lead on. He has been able to watch Adam grow more confident not just in bed but in everything he does, and it has been one of the most wonderful things to witness.

Sauli opened his legs wider, hazed by all the feel-good hormones he got from feeling Adam's heavier body between his legs. 

Adam gasped quietly when Sauli grabbed a handful of his ass and pulled his body even closer to his own. Sauli hooked his leg behind Adam’s thighs and slightly thrust himself up against him. 

The kiss grew more aggressive, more passionate; tongues carefully slipping in the game. 

Sauli moaned, blissed, squeezing Adam's ass. If Adam’s pants weren’t so damn tight, Sauli would have already slipped his fingers inside of them and touched his bare flesh instead.

The burning need to touch some hot skin was overwhelming so Sauli let go of Adam’s bottom and slid his hands under his shirt. Adam also brought his own hand down underneath Sauli’s top to touch his taut abs.

He flipped their bodies so they were lying more on their sides, legs still desperstely tangled together. Sauli let his hand wander lower and gently squeezed the bulge between Adam's legs.

Adam moved against his hand, quietly panting in the kiss.

"Sauli..." Adam whispered, nuzzling Sauli’s face, his hot breath brushing Sauli’s skin. Sauli smiled cockily and unbuttoned Adam pants, then slowly pulled down the zipper.

Sauli slid his hand inside and found the head of Adam's cock. Adam hissed when Sauli rubbed the tip of his dick through the cotton of his underwear.

Sauli pulled Adam’s cock out of his pants and looked down, licking his lips. Sauli doesn't usually get fond of dicks when he sees them, they're just there to pleasure him or to bring pleasure to the owner. 

But he's totally fond of Adam's. He could spent hours just kissing and loving it. 

"God, let me feel you… I want to feel you against me. I want to feel your skin. I want to _fuck_ you..." Sauli whispered as the lust suddenly increased and he eagerly took off his shirt. Adam blushed, looking like he didn't quite know if he could giggle or not. 

He could and Sauli wouldn't mind. He's glad Adam's having fun. 

Still a little unsure and partly vulnerable about himself, Adam got rid of his own shirt and pants while Sauli got out of his own. 

"Is it okay if I top tonight?"

Adam nodded,

"Yeah. But I wanna blow you first"

Sauli's dick twitched at the words. Adam has blown him before for sure but he's still a bit hesistant about it. Now, however, he was so straightforward and looked like he couldn't wait to suck Sauli off. 

"By all means" Sauli murmured, settling on the bed. He watched as Adam reached for the nightstand drawer and pulled out a lube. 

"We're almost out of this" He informed. 

"I gotta buy some more then. But what do you need it for _now_?"

"I'm gonna prepare myself while sucking you off" Adam said like it should have been obvious and lowered himself between Sauli's thighs. 

"Who are you and what did you do to my Adam?"

Adam only smirked and wiggled his eyebrows. 

 

~*~

 

After Adam was done with himself, Sauli was leaking and more than he has ever been in his entire life. Or at least that's what it felt like when he watched his pre-cum glistening on Adam's lips and dribbling down his chin. 

Adam had kept him on the edge, pulling away every time he was about to come and kept fingering himself open.

He had slowly driven Sauli crazy and Sauli just knows he won't last long when he enters Adam. 

Sauli grabbed a condom from his drawer, tore the wrapper open and rolled the condom on his cock. He didn't even have time to get up and maybe lay Adam on the bed when Adam already straddled his hips and took a hold of his dick, spreading some more lube on him then slowly lowered himself down.

" _Fuck..._ " 

"You like?" Adam asked with a wink. Sauli wasn't able to answer as Adam started to do small movements with his hips, slowly swaying from side to side and back and forth.

It only stimulated him in a torturous level.

Sauli gripped on Adam’s hips and hissed something along the lines of ‘move’. He recognized the raw hunger in his own voice and it made Adam look even more smug. 

Adam started to bounce softly, pushing his body up with his strong thighs and then bringing his hips back down.

It made Sauli open his eyes. He loves to watch Adam ride him like that, he gets to watch his cock disappear into Adam's hot body all over again. He gets to see Adam  _loving_ the riding.

When lost in the pleasure, Adam always runs his hands on his own body more willingly than usually. Possibly he feels himself sexier during their intercourse, especially when he's riding and controlling Sauli's pleasure. 

It wasn't any different now. He ran his hands on his chest, pinching his nipples, then caressed his stomach with the other.

Sauli felt so much love bubbling inside of him. When he was in his late teens and experiencing with stuff, he’d easily have sex with a stranger just for the heck of it. 

But now, being with Adam and really having all those feelings for him, he can’t understand how he ever did it. It all feels so much better with the one you’re in love with. They know you and you know them, and not just their bodies but their minds too.

You share things, give things and receive things.

Adam grabbed the headboard of the bed for support and changed his position to a squat.

"Fuck" Sauli managed to stutter, clutching on Adam's hips. 

"It's called the Asian style" Adam winked, sitting still.

"Yes, I know" Sauli choked out, feeling overwhelmed by the tight hug of Adam's ass but he was not moving, "You've been learning?"

"I looked it up" Adam said innocently, "Only for educational reasons" he added.

"I don't really care for which reasons" Sauli groaned, "Please bunny, move"

Adam grinned, still holding onto the headboard and started moving.

Sauli felt himself go way deeper this way. Adam has strong legs so he seemed to be doing great with this position. 

Sauli still bent his knees to maybe make Adam feel more secure. He could easily wobble in this position and they don't need injuries of any kind.

Sauli watched the hypnotizing moving in pure awe. Adam was moaning quietly, like he was still a little embarrassed to make all those raw and obscene sounds in bed.

"Fuck, you are amazing..." Sauli groaned, throwing his head back in bliss when Adam kept bouncing on his cock. 

Yup, Adam riding him is _definitely_ one of his favorite things in the whole wide world. Sauli fondled the flesh under his palms, loving that he could _squeeze_ Adam's ass and hips. 

Adam probably disagreed, disliking everything that he could get a hold of. 

"I'm gonna get a cramp if I keep this up" Adam said then with an awkward chuckle, "My thighs.."

He stopped moving for a while and to catch his breath.

"Take it easy" Sauli said then, raising his head from the pillows, "Just hold still, I can thrust up into you"

"Yeah?"

"Oh yeah" Sauli confirmed, grabbing Adam's thighs and started working his own hips.

Adam wrapped his free hand around his cock and stroked himself in the same rhythm as Sauli thrusts. He was already leaking and each nudge towards his magical spot made him leak more, and Sauli was _loving_ it. 

Adam whimpered, unable to help the small, bouncy movements of his hips. Sauli bit back his groans as he furiously thrust his hips off the bed and let his cock sink inside of Adam. 

He felt like it went deeper and deeper on every thrust though it wasn't even physically possible.

"Stop, stop" Adam hissed, pushing on Sauli's lower belly. Sauli stopped immediately though it was a struggle to stop so close to the edge. 

"You okay?" He asked, out of breath.

"Yeah, I'm okay. But I can continue, I wanna came you cum _myself_ " Adam said, getting back to his previous position which was sitting on Sauli's dick.

No complainments from Sauli.

Adam started to roll his hips, pretty much expertly by now, knowing exactly what worked for Sauli. 

...Everything worked for Sauli when his dick was hugged into Adam's body, but you get the point. 

Adam wrapped his fingers around his cock but Sauli stopped him,

“No. Let me” he whispered gently and replaced Adam's hand with his own, starting to stroke the hard, hot length. 

Adam only nodded approvingly, keeping up the thrusting. 

“Fuck, baby, you feel so good…" Sauli groaned, "I don't think I'm gonna last..."

"Why would you have to?" Adam asked, panting, and started to work his hips wilder. He placed his hands on Sauli's chest for support and rolled his hips faster. 

"Shit, I’m gonna come" Sauli hissed, his fist around Adam’s cock automatically tightening. He stopped the movement of his hand as he lost focus when he felt his orgasm building up; ready to be released.

Adam smiled proudly and slammed down hard a few more times, using his thighs for leverage. 

"Fuck, baby" Sauli moaned, his orgasm tearing him apart in the best possible way, "Oh fuck-!"

His body convulsed hard for several times and such intensity covered the entire of his body that he thought he was going to pass out from it. 

Adam quickly pulled off of Sauli's spent cock and Sauli rolled off the condom once he gathered some strength. Adam sat back down on his lap and Sauli wrapped his fingers around his throbbing cock.

He stroked him fast, fondling Adam's tight balls with his free hand.

Only a few seconds and Adam curled his whole body, moaning in such an obscene and raw yet genuine way, his cock jumping as he sprayed into the air, cum splattering everywhere. 

Sauli slowed down the strokes but didn't stop completely. He watched Adam's body twitch and more cum dribbled on his fingers from the slit of his dick. 

For a second Sauli felt breathless. Adam looked all kinds of stunning like this; face and body curled with pleasure and sweat shining on his complexion. 

Adam's whole body jerked powerfully and he suddenly raised his head back up. Sauli bit his lip, gently squeezing the head of his cock again. 

"Hey...!" Adam chuckled, reaching down to push Sauli's hand off, but Sauli managed to make his body twitch once more, " _God_ "

Sauli let go, grinning. It wasn't the first time he tried some post-orgasm stimulation on Adam and he knows Adam doesn't mind. 

Sauli finally tied the condom which laid forgotten on the bed, and tossed it in the trash can then pulled Adam down on top of him.

They shared a tasty, satisfied and lazy kiss. 

"Next time... Let's play a game and take a shot every time you say fuck" Adam murmured and rolled on the bed next to Sauli. 

"Well, fuck baby, you just pull all the fucks out of me. I can't help it" Sauli said.

Adam chuckled, reaching out to grab a kleenex from the box. 

"And see? I told you you'd be thinking of alcohol by the night" Sauli teased, "I take that as 'hungover has passed'"

"Oh, shut it" Adam said, cringing even after wiping his body, "Shower?"

"Shower" Sauli confirmed. 

Right now, he loves his life. 

But he still can't shake all those doubts. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author's tip**  
>  Never _ever_ accept drinks from a stranger unless you are at the bar with them when they order it. Never leave your drink un-guarded and _never_ leave a shit-faced friend alone.   
>  And remember that no matter how wasted you are, _you_ are _not_ responsible if someone takes advantage of you and your condition.   
>  #futurenurse


	12. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truths to be revealed.

The anniversary of Sauli's company came faster than he expected and he had promised a little party for his employees. Fortunately he got some help with all the party arrangements so everything was ready for the big night. 

It’s a tradition that Sauli holds a small speech at the anniversary party yet every single time he’s just as nervous as before. They are all waiting for him to start the speech so Sauli scans through the room to spot Adam but doesn’t see him anywhere. He knows he should start already so he got up from his chair and took a few deep breaths.

Sauli tapped his champagne glass with a nail. All the people put their attention on him and stopped the conversations they were having.

"Thank you. I haven't written any memos for this speech which I might regret now" Sauli started, "Three years ago today I did not believe I could ever make it this far. But I couldn't have done it without you guys. But that's what they say, if you wanna go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together"

He received a few approving nods and agreeing hums.

"But today I won't necessarily talk about work and success because I've done that every year" He said, looking at the people and their confused expressions, "Today I wanna talk about community. In many aspects. The importance of support, sharing and trust"

Adam entered the room then, awkwardly because of the bad timing. He tried to get to his seat as un-noticably as possible. 

Sauli cleared his throat when Adam had sat down. Sauli has learned that a good speech is something that touches people's feelings so he's going to aim for that today. 

"More often than not, we're afraid to admit attraction, show our disappointment and allow ourselves to cry. Us humans can be so terrified of vulnerability which to me is ironic, since we have the most developed emotional intelligence system. Sometimes I feel like elephants do better than us"

Sauli decided he's going to go for it. It's now or never. He looked at all the people before him, some were still gazing up at him like those words he just said didn't scare them at all. Some weren't even listening. 

But Sauli knew they were all in a way scared. Maybe not necessarily scared but nervous at least. 

"In this industry we don't show our true emotions very often. We have to be strong and we have to hide our tears and just keep smiling for the sake of good image. Why is that?" Sauli asked with a frown, "I've seen my models starve themselves because of all the emotional thunderstorms, I've seen my friends linger on the edge of a nervous breakdown because of all the unnecessary pressure. I've heard my loved ones cry alone in the bathroom because they did not want to show their so called 'weaknesses' to me, let alone to anyone else"

Sauli shot a meaningful glance at Adam just briefly. Adam shifted uncomfortably.

"I ask 'What's wrong?' and they reply with a simple 'Nothing'. After days, months, or in worst cases, years, the tears start escaping. It's like a barrage that gives in under an overwhelmigly strong flood. Yet still, most of us try to fight it, alone and ashamed of something that's supposed to be so natural for a human being and our intelligence level"

Sauli was surprised to see how many of the people were now listening to him, staring at their laps like they were the guilty ones. It was not just Adam, the one he was trying to aim the most. 

"What it is with the tears? Little bit of salted, oily water mixed with electrolytes and what not. Is it better to grit your teeth and hold it all back until you break almost to the point of no return? Or would it be better to just openly burst into tears every time you need to, and say 'No, I think I'm not okay and I don't know what to do'. A sensible person will help, or at least will try their very best to do so"

Sauli bit his lip, pondering whether he should dig under Adam's skin now and later take all the blames about the 'public humiliation'. But he feels like this might be his only chance to try to skin the cat. Adam would never listen to him talk like this at home. 

But now he's here listening.

"I have people in my life I care about so dearly, without mentioning any names" Sauli stated, already feeling the lump in his throat, "It pains me to see them struggle with themselves on daily basis like they're afraid that they won't live up to my expectations. Which is funny because I think they're perfect in every possible way and I would never ever set up expectations that are higher than they are able to reach"

Adam knew he was talking about him. Sauli saw it from his eyes. He expected him to be mad at him for poking at him like this but instead he just looked sad and guilty. 

"I'm not blaming them. I used to be in that place too, afraid that if I said 'Fill the room with people who love me', no one would show up. There are people among us, not just in here but everywhere, who say 'I'm cold' and hide self-harm scars underneath their sleeves. 'I already ate' they say, yet they're starving themselves behind the closed doors. I just want to say I don't want any of you to ever feel that way. You guys are perfect the way you are and I'm gonna assure you all that I am here for all of you. We are all here for any of us. That's what our community does. And that's what friends do"

The room was silent for a few seconds just like it had to. It was a sign that people were listening and thinking. Trying to solve the pieces of their own life puzzle. Could my partner be one of those people who feel alone and unloved? Maybe my friend turns down all the invitations because they don't want to eat? Maybe that lonely person who never takes their sweater off even in sunlight, is severly self-harming. 

Sauli wanted to raise awareness. Encourage people to not only open their hearts but their eyes too. 

Then Sauli smiled.

"Was I sentimental enough because geez, this is so not my field of expertise by any means and I do not claim to be your personal psychologist"

Quiet laughter filled the room once again, the atmosphere instantly lighter. 

"Thank you. Now let's kick this party going" Sauli finished, stepping down from the microphone only to notice Adam was no longer in his sight.

Before anyone could come to him and start any conversation, Sauli ran out of the room to find his boyfriend. He didn’t manage to get too far, fortunately. Adam was standing in the corridor, looking like somebody just physically beat the shit out of him.

“Why are you doing this?” He asked, looking at Sauli with those big, rounded eyes, “What have I ever done to you to deserve this?”

Sauli frowned, stepping closer to him even though he felt like he was approaching a timid, unpredictable wild animal. Adam's next move could either be a hug that knocks Sauli's wind out, escape like he often does or his breaking point. Sauli was prepared for all of them, though he hoped Adam wouldn't make a scene here. 

He wouldn't care if he did. But knowing Adam, he would be embarrassed later. 

“I don’t understand"

Adam shook his head frantically, sinking down on the floor.

"Why can't you just understand" He whimpered, holding onto his head. 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to understand” Sauli said helplessly, “You’ve been so absent lately. Why can’t you just talk to me and tell me what's going on?” He asked and swallowed the lump in his throat, crouching on the floor before Adam's feet.

Adam shook his head again, bursting to tears. 

"Why can't you just let it go?" He asked, barely audible.

"Because I can't handle the thought of losing you to an illness you are too afraid to talk about to _me_ " Sauli admitted, unable to help the sobs himself, "I've never been anything but supportive and understanding to you. When you don't trust me after everything we've been through it _hurts_ me, okay? Not only hurts but it _kills_ me"

"Likewise!" Adam cried, "When do you plan on telling me you have troubles with psychoactive drugs?"

Sauli didn't dodge the bullet. Not even close. He took it straight into his heart and it made his entire body feel cold and he slowly stood up. 

"How-"

"I recognize an addict when I see one" Adam mumbled. 

No one has called him an addict in years. Suddenly the word woke all the unpleasant sensations in his body. 

"That's a low blow" Sauli said calmly, "Do I look like an addict to you? I might have been a substance abuser in some level at some point but at least I had enough balls to admit it and fix my problem"

Adam refused to look at him. 

Sauli bent down to bring his face closer to Adam's,

"Look at me, I'm on my way to the top of the world" He said, not as a 'and what are you doing instead', but more of as a 'I did it so why can't you?' but Adam needed a wake up call, "You have a dream too. I know you do. And it's sad that if you keep that up, you won't be able to see the day when you reach it"

Adam still didn't want to look at him, he hung his head in desperate attempt to hide as the tears streamed down his cheeks. 

"There, there now" Sauli whispered and pulled Adam into a gentle yet tight hug, "It's okay"

Sauli saw Scarlett carefully sneaking to the corridor, a questioning look on her face like she wanted to make sure everything was alright. God knows if everybody heared them even through the music. Sauli gestured her to go, not to be rude but just to make sure no one will interrupt their moment. 

Adam breathed out all the extra steams in his system,

“I’m not here to ruin your party" He said and pulled away, wiping his cheeks, "We can talk later”

Sauli wanted to insist they talk now but if Adam says no, it's most definitely a no. Hopefully this time he won't chicken out and they will indeed talk later. 

"I'm sorry for what I said" Adam said, embarrassed, "You're not an addict and everybody knows that. I'm sorry"

"Apology accepted" Sauli said calmly, wiping the smudged mascara off Adam's face with a thumb, "This was still an eyeopening chat"

Adam agreed with a sheepish smile which Sauli kissed away. 

Sauli grabbed Adam’s hand and pulled him up with him, leading him back into the hall where the party was held. Brian had already dimmed the room and put the disco lights on, and he was playing proper party music.

Beside the modeling and fashion, Brian, Tommy and Ashley are great musicians. Now Brian is being the DJ, though. When it’s time for slower songs, they might play live.

Adam tried to resist when Sauli intended to pull him to the middle of the crowd for a dance.

"Come on, it'll be fun" Sauli whined. Adam finally gave in, sighing, and allowed Sauli to pull him along with him. 

“And no dry-humping my ass” Sauli warned playfully, “People are looking at us”

Adam smirked and turned Sauli around anyway. Sauli felt giddy in Adam's hold, snugly pressed against his front. 

"Literally noboby is looking at us, so what stops me?" Adam whispered into his ear, "I have an addiction and it starts with a capital S"

~*~ 

The next day after the party was, in a way, nerve-wracking. Sauli kept wishing Adam would come to him and talk to him but it didn't happen though Sauli gave subtle hints thorough the day.

In the evening after Sauli came home from a walk with Fluffie, he accidentally surprised Adam from the bathroom because the door wasn't locked nor even fully closed. However, Adam was crouched before the toilet seat, sobbing uncontrollably. 

Sauli stood there at the threshold, covering his own mouth in what he thought was shock. Which didn't make sense since he has known for a while. 

When Adam insisted he was okay, he nearly believed him. But yesterday opened his eyes even more and he can't believe he was so naive. Sauli's shuddering sigh made Adam raise his head.

He doesn't know who jerked more when their eyes met, Adam or him, but he knew neither of them wanted to be seen by the other at the moment. 

Adam's eyes were puffy from tears when he looked at Sauli's face. He stormed up the floor and ran out from the bathroom before Sauli could utter a word. 

"Oh god..." He murmured himself when Adam had gone. Sauli followed Adam down and saw him sit at the pool outside with Fluffie. Sauli took a deep breath, opened the patio door and walked outside.

"So tell me again, how fine are you?" Sauli quietly asked, "And how long have you had bulimia?"

Adam didn't say anything, just sniffed.

Sauli came to him, sat down and just stared at him. His soft hair fell on his forehead and his shoulders were hunched. To be honest, he looks more defeated than ever before. 

Embarrassed, ashamed and sad. When Adam turned his head the slightest bit to peek into Sauli's eyes, something punched a hole in Sauli's chest.

They say eyes are the mirror of the soul. Adam's eyes have always been good at hiding things from him but now the shelter got a crack. Sauli could suddenly see so much more. 

" _Rakas_..." Sauli whispered, pulling Adam to his chest. To his surprise, Adam didn't protest at all but just melted into it. 

"Okay... I'm not fine. Not even close"

"Established as much" Sauli said quietly, burying his nose in Adam's silky hair and inhaled the sweet scent, “But I’m with you now. You don't have to walk through this all alone”

Without meeting Sauli's eyes, Adam pulled away and reached out his right hand for Sauli to hold. Sauli did, brushing his thumb over the red knuckles.

"I can't help it. I just can't. I've tried but it always comes back to this" Adam murmured.

Sauli squeezed the hand protectively and kissed the knuckles, then let his head drop against Adam's shoulder. 

"I'm not here to judge you, I'm here to listen and do my best to help. Is it because of this industry? This job and the constant exposure to body image-"

"No" Adam said, interrupting "No. I've struggled with it thorough my teen years. Usually I'm pretty good at hiding it but lately I've had some pains I didn't used to have before... Which is what probably gave me in?"

"Kinda" Sauli said, "But there was more"

Sauli was hesitant whether he should tell Adam about all the signs he noticed. But since they are spilling truths, he might as well tell everything. 

"I paid attention to your tendency to disappear to the bathroom after meals. But then you stopped doing that maybe because you got an idea that I'm after something?"

Adam gave him a sheepish, guilty smile. 

"But I found your laxatives, I noticed your tendency to chew breath mints often and I saw your digestion problems kept getting worse. Add all that to noticably swollen saliva glands and a terribly twisted body image and there you have it" Sauli said. 

"So I do have chubby cheeks after all" Adam said with a drained chuckle, "Anyway, I uh- First I refused eating but I got over it with Danielle and mom. I found the joy of eating again but suddenly I felt so ashamed for gaining back my weight. There is a lot of emotional eating going on nowadays. And every time I have to-" Adam said, almost like choking on his words and gestured towards his mouth, "You know. Do you have any idea how hard it is to talk about this?"

Sauli stroked his back and kissed his shoulder through the thin cotton of his shirt. It was painful to think Adam has struggled with it for more than a few months but to hear he has struggled for _years_ broke Sauli's heart. 

If there was a magic trick that could make it all go away with just a snap of fingers, he would do it in a heartbeat. 

But there was not going to be an easy way out now. 

"I can only imagine"

"Feel free to feel disgusted now" Adam whispered, pulling his hand out of Sauli's hold, "I _am_ disgusting"

Sauli frowned,

"You're not. I'm so glad you told me, I've been wanting to know what's wrong for so long and though I've kinda known it, I wanted to hear it from you"

"I've wanted to tell you every since you came back to the motel on our trip. I knew something was up" Adam admitted and scratched the back of his neck, "I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I keep sending these subtle signals and just assume people will pick on them and figure everything out without me having to bring it up. I get upset when they don't" he said, then chuckled at the irony of it, "And even more upset when they do, apparently"

"Honey," Sauli said quietly, pulling Adam back into his arms, "I'm so relieved to know all this. I was too afraid to just bluntly ask you if you have an eating disorder"

Adam fixed his position so he could squeeze Sauli's body even tighter, 

"I love you" 

"I love you too" Sauli replied, stroking Adam's back.

He has known Adam has more secrets than he has ever told him. Getting to know Adam has and still is like opening a package one layer after another.

The core is safe and highly protected underneath.

"Everything is okay. You'll be fine, I promise" Sauli soothed, "I'll help you"

"I can flood everything on paper. Love, anger, disappointment, pain and hate. It just makes it all more bearable. But shame... There's nothing that helps that " Adam explained quietly, "I just- I didn't mean this to happen. I didn't want it to happen but I just can't help it. It's an endless circle I can't get out of. My throat is sore, I feel bad all the time in every way possible and I fear that I might ruin my voice and destroy my insides. I'm obliterating myself and my biggest fear was that you find out and-"

"Shhh" Sauli hushed, knowing how Adam would end that sentence, "Look at me. I love you endlessly and it would make me a huge dick if this somehow changed the way I feel about you. Or if I ran way. I will never do that. Now come with me, I wanna show you something"

Sauli lead Adam inside and to his attic which he hasn't shown to Adam before. Once he has enough money to buy the house, he's going to renovate the attic and make it more modern. 

"I didn't know you had an attic" Adam said when Sauli pulled the steps down from the ceiling. 

"Never came up" Sauli simply said, climbing up, "This is where I keep some personal stuff and things I haven't needed in a long, long time"

Lots of framed photos, boxes, shelves, even furniture. Sauli scanned through the shelves for a particular box, pulled it down and sat on the couch, gesturing Adam to join him. Adam sat on the couch but his foot was nervously tapping against the floor. 

"Just relax, take a deep breath" Sauli soothed, grabbing Adam's hand, "The urge will pass, I'm sure"

Sauli slowly let go and opened the box he was holding, pulling out a small book, an old journal of his. 

“I think it’s more of a girl thing to write a journal but I did when I was younger” Sauli said and opened it, “It’s something that I found soothing. I was an over-thinker already back then so it was good to write down what I felt, to relieve all the stress I went through and to bleed all the negativity out. I know you write songs, they probably have the same effect on you” 

He kept a journal even when he was a little older, it was part of his therapy for anxiety. And addiction. 

“They do. But not all of them are about negative feelings” Adam pointed out sheepishly, fidgeting like he always used to when they started dating, and the adorable pink color spread on his cheeks. 

“I know. Like the one you hummed last night after we came home from the party?" Sauli asked with a smile.

"You were supposed to be sleeping!" Adam squeaked. 

"Don't be so embarrassed, you have a beautiful voice. Anyway, the one I heard you hum in the shower this morning was one of those negative ones, right?” Sauli asked and watched as Adam scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed, "I thought it was very beautiful and very heartbreaking. You only had a few lines of lyrics there though. Rest of it was just a melody. You haven’t fully written it?”

Adam shook his head as no.

“I hear it in my head but I just can’t seem to find the right words to express how I feel”

“What do you feel?”

Adam shrugged. But Sauli knew he knew. 

“I’m just worried about you” Sauli added.

“I know. I am too” Adam admitted. 

Sauli pulled something else out from the box and flinched when he saw what he saw.

"What I really wanted to show you was this” Sauli said as he handed Adam an old photo of himself, taken during the lowest point of his life. The drug addiction, though only to psyche drugs, was controlling his entire life. 

“Oh, jesus” Adam gasped, dropping the photo on his lap right away after seeing it, “That’s you?” he asked, trying to shake the vision out of his head.

Sauli nodded.

“Not so pretty there am I?”

Adam picked up the photo again and Sauli saw it was a struggle for him to look at it. 

“Y-you were… anorexic?”

“Nearly there. Deathly skinny, at least. All I had in life was my addiction to benzos. I did get help, though. But it was hard. Man, it was _so_ hard and it was only about to get harder" Sauli explained, "I felt the shame before. It was awful. But the cold sweat, the shivers, the nausea... All I wanted was them to end"

Adam let out a nervous, humorless chuckle and gave the picture back to Sauli.

"So your point of scaring me to death with that photo was to open my eyes? And see myself in you?”

Sauli put the photo back into the box and let it down on the floor. He straddled Adam’s lap and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"And to show you that I get what you're going through. Maybe not 100 per cent but still. Baby, I love you more than I could ever explain and what I saw a few moments ago doesn’t change that one bit. We get through this together. Okay?”

Adam held onto Sauli’s hips and nodded. Sauli tried to kiss him on the lips but Adam’s pushed him back gently by his chin.

“That's really not a good idea right now..."

Sauli kissed his upper lip and the side of his mouth instead.

“Can I ask you one thing?”

“I guess” Adam said, knowing he can no longer hide anything from Sauli. 

“You emptied my cupboards. Where do you keep all the-"

"I ate them" Adam said, not nearly as embarrassed as Sauli expected him to be, he even had a twisted smile on his face, "All of it

Sauli smiled and kissed Adam’s forehead. So he ate it all, huh. What was Sauli even thinking, of course he ate it all. If he dragged it all somewhere else for later he'd only leave evidence. 

"So... You found my little helpers from my bag?" Adam asked. 

"Not from your bag" Sauli pointed out immediately, "Underneath the bed. Your bag had fallen and the zipper had been open, I guess. Some things had rolled out"

"You found my vibrator?" Adam asked, lightening the atmosphere the slightest bit. He was still wearing that weird, crooked smile, which made Sauli's body feel all kinds of things. 

Sauli chuckled, trying not to get lost in the image of Adam playing around with a vibrator.

"As a matter of fact, I didn't" He said, blushing himself now, "How come I didn’t know you liked toys like that?"

“Because I tried it first time just a few days ago when you were still at work” Adam said, "I got it as a joke from someone when I was younger... But I gotta say it felt all kinds of good when I pressed it on the base of my dick"

“Unfair to put such images in my head now” Sauli hissed and gently pinched Adam’s bicep, "Trying to change the subject..."

Adam chuckled, looking at Sauli properly in the eyes. Sauli's chest still bubbled with affection the same way it has always done in Adam's presence, even when they had just met for the first time. 

“I’m kind of relieved you know now… I was just afraid you wouldn't even try understand but instead just try to fix me somehow" Adam said then, "I can relate to the endless circle of shame, relief and back to shame. Just like you did. I'm in loss of control. Of everything, I feel"

Sauli smiled,

"I felt the same. The recovery starts with slow, baby steps. The first step was to admit I needed help"

Adam looked at him, knowing very well what Sauli was asking him to do. Sauli was going to stare at him until the world ends if that's what it takes. 

Adam stopped looking at him after a while but Sauli didn't give in. 

"I know what you want" Adam said, dropping his head against the backrest of the couch. 

"Then deliver" 

Adam's tongue came out to moisten his lips. 

"I guess I-"

"Nuh-uh"

"Fine!" Adam hissed, raising his head, "I need help" he said, raising his hands as if to say 'and then what?'

Sauli nodded approvingly. 

"And I need your help. And I need your endless support. And I need all those stupid, cliche 'I'm here for you no matter what' bullshit" Adam added. 

"Checked" Sauli whispered, bringing his hands on the sides of Adam's head, "All of them"

Sauli wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and he felt Adam's arms come around his waist. They've shared hundreds if not thousands of hugs before but this particular one felt more empowering than any of them before. 

"I have a surprise for you" Sauli said, pulling away, "I've been waiting for the day you'd take the first step. So I can reward you"

"Okay?" Adam chuckled, watching as Sauli got up. Adam followed Sauli to the other side of the room where he removed a white cloth from the top of a mixing table. 

Adam blinked twice when he saw the equipment; headphones, microphone and small mixing table, and all the other necessary hings you need for amateur recording.

"I got it from Brian" Sauli said, "I offered to keep it in storage in my attic for a month when he was searching for new place. When I tried to give it back, he said I can keep it. I nearly threw it away because I don't need this kind of stuff. But then I met you"

Adam smiled, tracing a fingertip over the table surface and all the buttons. Sauli saw how he tried to say something but he couldn’t form any words. 

“I mean everything is small, obviously. Not quite like in real recording studios but it's something. You can start with these if you want to” Sauli offered. 

“No one has ever- I can’t believe this. Thank you, I- Really? For me?” Adam stuttered, his eyes still wide and mouth slack from shock, hand over over his heart. 

"To you. You’re welcome”

“You’re not real” Adam murmured and pulled Sauli to his chest, squeezing the air out of his lungs. Sauli gasped for air but couldn’t stop smiling.

"All flesh and blood" He joked, "What do say we go downstairs, take a bath and talk about everything between heaven and earth since we're obviously on a good flow?"

"Okay" Adam smiled, pulling away, "Okay"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I had another activity that I'd spent as much time on as I do in writing.   
> I don't know if anybody really even reads anymore but eh, it's for the whole 'inner writer' shit that has to belt the "creativity" (ahahah) on something and I enjoy this so why not.   
> As long as even one person reads it.


	13. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sauli and Adam spills out things from their best. Adam's problems are starting to take a serious toll on him.

"Yeah, man, I uh- I'll be at home for today. And so is Adam" Sauli said to his phone, "No! What kind of boss do you think I am? I'm on an unpaid day off and Adam is on a sick leave for today. We're not just 'fucking thorough the day' "

Sauli glanced at Adam who was sitting at the kitchen table, poking at his omelet. Only now he was looking back at Sauli, eyebrow cocked. He wasn't too happy that Sauli made him stay at home for today and he probably wasn't happy to hear they ain't even spending the entire day off fucking.

Well, they already fucked once. 

"Yeah, he's uh- He's got a cold" Sauli said, "No, he doesn't need a baby sitter, I have my personal reasons and I don't owe you an explanation. Just make sure the business flows when I'm gone. Thanks, bye"

Sauli put his phone aside and came to the dining side, sitting down on the opposite chair from Adam.

"So... Was it just benzos?" Adam asked, referring to their previous, very light early morning  
discussion topic.

Sauli saw a flash of doubt of some sort in Adam's eyes, it reminded him of all the times people used to look at him like he was a heroin junkie or something.

What distracted Sauli was a stray of hair standing higher than the rest of Adam's hair on the top of his head. 

"No" Sauli admitted then, nearly hiding himself behind his large coffee cup, "Later I got my hands on certain barbiturates... "

"What are those?" Adam asked with a frown. 

"They're like benzos. Except a lot more stonger, effective and addictive. They act as central nervous system depressants" 

"And the same in English?"

Sauli lowered his cup on the table, snickering as he saw the pure confusion on Adam's face, instead of seeing any judgment. It relaxed him and he dared to stop hiding. 

"Means they're notoriously dangerous drugs and the risk of an overdose is high" Sauli told him, his smile slowly fading, "That's what took Marilyn, apparently"

"Wow" Adam whispered, running his hand through his hair to tame it a bit but the one stray of hair popped right back up. 

Sauli felt chilly and nervous. His foot was tapping against the floor as he looked at Adam processing everythig he had just told him. The all too familiar fear of judgement creeped up his spine and settled into his heart.

Adam gave him an unreadable look.

"Look, I wasn't some desperate junkie who lived in a dirty, tiny ass apartment and poked himself with a contaminated needle" Sauli said, feeling a desperate need to point it out and clear it out, so Adam wouldn't come up with any false images inside of his head.

"I never said you were" Adam said softly, "I am not the right person to judge you. And I don't even want to"

"I was just... I felt like I could decide if I took any drugs or not. With then I was in control of my anxiety, everything. ... Until I wasn't. And at that point I didn't care anymore" Sauli explained. He still remembers the turning point for the worst; he made the drastic decision to give up.

He let himself be knocked down and held there, he didn't even try to get up. 

"So... Eventually, did you get into rehab or did you just, you know, quit?" Adam asked, genuinely curious.

"One must never quit benzodiazepines 'cold turkey' " Sauli pressured, "The withdrawals can be really damaging, if not fatal. Not that I could have been able to do it just like that, but yeah. I got into rehab, I chose to stay in the inpatient program for about 50 days, instead of being an outpatient. Inpatient program offered me a more safe enviroment to just focus on my sobriety"

"What aspired you to get into rehab?" Adam asked, poking at his omelet with his fork again. Sauli saw how he was brainstorming, trying to somehow compare his own situation to Sauli's and relate to it in a more personal way. 

"Dreams. Friends. Fear of death. My newly born nephew" Sauli listed, "It was a wake up call to me when I was labeled as an 'unwanted visitor'. I wasn't taking cocaine or heroine for God's sake, I was addicted to drugs that I _needed_ for my anxiety. It just got out of hands..."

Sauli closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He felt the sting somewhere behind his eyes but he still opened them, for once not caring if Adam sees him in a weaker position than what he is used to. He can handle it. 

He must know how to handle it. Sauli can't always be the pillar of strength for him.

"I didn't want the kid to grow up thinking his uncle is some kind of junkie and that's why he can't see him" Sauli said, wiping his eyes, "I decided to clean up my act. I wanted to set a good example. I want him to grow up, thinking his uncle is one of the most badass people he knows"

Adam got up from his chair, walking around the table and wrapped his arms around Sauli's shoulders from behind,

"I'm sure that's exactly what he's thinking now" He whispered. Sauli calmed down instantly in Adam's hold and Adam could see it too, that's why he held him for a while before returning to his chair.

"You've ever relapsed?" Adam asked when he sat back down, discreetly pushing his plate aside.

Sauli shook his head, staring at his coffee. 

"No. I use alternative drugs now and I've made sure to follow the presciptions" He said, briefly glancing at Adam. 

"But have you ever... Almost?" Adam asked curiously. 

Sauli sighed, nodding.

"When we were on our van trip and staid in that motel near San Diego... I was smoking a cigarette. And staring at a bottle of benzos" 

"What?" Adam frowned, "I mean,,, how? Why? How did you even get them?"

Sauli didn't want to get into specific details.

"I was terrified of losing you" He admitted and Adam's eyebrows shot up in surprise, "I was on to it by then. It hit me with such severe anxiety and I couldn't- Scarlett came then. And instead of swallowing down any pills, I talked to her"

"...You told her about me?" Adam asked, all the color disappearing from his face. 

"I-"

"You talked to _her_ about some ideas of yours considering _my_ health, ideas you had no actual proof of, before even talking to _me_ about them?" Adam asked, his voice steadily increasing. 

"Keep in mind that I _tried_ talking to you" Sauli defended, "I always asked if there was anything you'd like to talk to me about, if there was anything on your heart. But you made the conscious decision not to let me in"

Adam crossed his arms, sitting back on his chair and avoided Sauli's look. But Sauli could almost hear the scrunching of his teeth. 

"There were many chances. You could have told me anytime, especially when I was so genuinely worried about your digestion problems or whatever the hell they were"

"You still had no right" Adam mumbled.

"So you're saying I should have rather taken the pill? Instead of talking to her about what was bothering me?"

"I'm saying you should have come to me!" Adam nearly shouted, jolting up from his chair. 

"And what would have happened then?" Sauli asked, calmly, but also stood up, "You would have convinced me my concerns are non-sense and that I have nothing to be worried about. Just like you always did"

Adam didn't have anything to say to defend himself, Sauli knew it, so he just tried to understand how he felt. Scarlett knew something about him, something that he has spent years hiding because of shame and vulnerability, so Sauli did get why he felt upset. 

He never spills things to outsiders but that night, he saw no other options. He rather talked about it to someone he trusts with his heart than took those pills that could have destroyed everything he has, as brutal as it sounds. 

"You have every right to be mad at me" Sauli said calmly, "I understand you. I get that you're angry but it'd be fair if you tried to understand me too"

Adam sighed heavily, and Sauli saw it as a sign of calming down a notch, and listening. But before he could utter a word, Adam already left the kitchen. Sauli glanced at Fluffie who looked at him like 'whatcha waiting for, follow him'. 

But Sauli decided to clean the table first, giving Adam some time to wind down a notch. After he was done, he made his way upstairs and soon found Adam from the balcony, sitting on the couch with his knees hugged to his chest. 

Sauli stepped on the balcony, going to the rail and faced away from Adam.

"Those pills ruined my life years ago" He said quietly, "I know it may sound absurd since I wasn't looking forward to get my head as messed up as possible, but I couldn't live normally because of them. It was hard to maintain friendships or go anywhere without a feeling of,,, suffocating. And I grew _so_ aggressive when withdrawling that some of my friends were scared of me"

Sauli sighed heavily and carefully turned around, feeling ready to not only face his possibly mad boyfriend but also see his own past reflecting from Adam's eyes. He felt naked and exposed but he was no longer afraid to look back or see what Adam thinks of it. He carefully studied Adam's facial expressions, just a tiny shift in his eyebrows was enough to tell him he was listening, hearing him, and he understood him. 

At least tried to.

"One tiny pill could have, no, _would have_ , taken me down to that path I struggled so hard to get out of" Sauli added softly, "And you wouldn't have been able to pull me out from there when you needed me"

At that Adam's face suddenly changed, a faint fear visible in his eyes. 

"That's right. You wouldn't have been able to lean on me when you needed to" Sauli said, a burning sensation in his throat again, "And if I would have managed to pull myself out of that cycle again at some point and discovered I haven't been able to be the boyfriend for you that you had needed... I didn't do it just for me, I did it for you too. I knew you needed me. And you still do, right now probably more than ever before"

Adam's eyes were swollen and glassy but he no longer looked bitter or mad, vice versa. 

"You can tell me I'm wrong and I'll accept it. But somehow I have a feeling I'm not wrong"

Adam shook his head,

"When you put it like that... I realize that even you see how uncapable I am to take care of myself"

Sauli gave him a gentle smile, daring to step closer and sit down next to him.

"We are allowed to need other people when we are dealing with stuff" He said, "Everyone should know how to be alone and how to cope alone and find energy sources which help that, but it doesn't mean we can't lean on other people when there's people to lean on"

It's all about finding that inner strength and learn how and what things to do for yourself. If you lean on other people _too much_ , you are going to be in trouble if that person is taken away from you. 

And even just generally speaking, everyone should know that other people are often not capable to "fix" you. 

"You're young. You don't have to know how to cope all alone, I don't even want you to feel like you have to" Sauli explained, reaching out to grab Adam's hand, "I'm here for you"

"I was the reason why you almost relapsed" Adam said quietly, just staring blankly ahead, like he just now comprehended what Sauli told him earlier. Sauli has never thought about the sound of a breaking heart, but hearing Adam's voice now, made him think that is exactly what it would sound like. 

"You were also the reason why I didn't" Sauli pointed out, not surprsised Adam only chose to see the other side of the coin, "I have had more 'almost' moments in my life than I am able to count. Don't blame yourself, I was the one handling it all the wrong way"

Sauli brought his fingers on the nape of Adam's neck and gently scratched the base of his scalp. Adam closed his eyes right away, like a cat in bliss. 

"Seriously. Last thing you should do is to blame yourself for my problems" 

"Okay" Adam said simply. 

"Now am I forgiven that I spilled some things to Scarlett before talking to you?" 

Adam nodded,

"Yeah. Am I forgiven that I'm such a sensitive little bitch sometimes?" 

Sauli chuckled,

"Oh babe, of course you are"

Adam let his knees down and turned so that he could pull Sauli into a hug. 

"Since we talked about you and your past... I already told you the most last night but you still should know a few things" Adam said, sighing heavy.

"Whatever you wanna tell me" 

"I did try to get into a rehab program earlier. Or more of like, I was thinking about it" Adam said, looking down as he flipped his hand around and held onto Sauli's fingers, "I chickened out. I was too embarrased. Everyone always spread awareness on 'young fragile girls with eating disorders'. No one ever talked about my kinds. Not out loud"

Sauli has seen plenty of guys in modeling industry who are dealing with different kinds of eating disorders and obsessive exercising. Adam would be surprised. 

"It's easy to tell someone like me just to 'try to change your eating habits a bit'. Like, no shit. I've been trying without succeeding yet nobody takes it seriously" 

"We're gonna find a professional who will" Sauli reassured, "You shouldn't feel embarrassed for your diseases, especially not in the care of healthcare professionals. Okay?"

Adam nodded, wiping his eyes with his free hand.

"Okay"

Sauli brought his face close to Adam's and gingerly pecked his lips before pulling him into a yet another hug. It was a special hug. 

It was a hug that told them both they accept each other's pasts and mistakes they've done, and are ready to move forward together. 

"No more secrets between us? We're honest from this day on, alright?" Adam asked, running his hand up and down Sauli's back.

"That's fine by me" Sauli smiled, pulling away and cupped Adam's cheeks, "More than fine"

Adam's smile matched his as he leaned in for a soft kiss. Sauli hummed, curling his hand on the back of Adam's head to prevent him from pulling away. Adam chuckled into the kiss, obeying. 

"I know you said we're not fucking thorough the day, but... Sex doesn't necessarily have to be fucking, so" He murmured, making Sauli grin. He didn't exactly have anything against that idea but he just wanted to clear that up to Brian when he called him. 

And after breakfast it might not be the best idea anyway.

"That's a good point you have there" Sauli said, "Frottage?"

"Sixty-nine?" Adam suggested innocently. Sauli stumbled up from the couch in a second, tugging Adam along with him. If Adam says it's 69, it's 69.

~*~ 

"Imagine that some people are addicted to this" Adam murmured against the back of his neck.

Sauli hummed, letting his fingers skim along Adam's arm that was thrown over his body. He could feel the fair body hair tickling his palm and the sweat still felt partly tacky on his skin. 

"Mm, somehow I don't find that hard to believe at all" Sauli murmured, bringing Adam's hand up and kissed his fingers, "We just finished and I am already craving for more"

Adam's body shook with soft chuckles, 

"Maybe you're the one who needs help. Again" 

Sauli smiled. He didn't even feel personally attacked, he felt joy over the fact that they could joke about such sore subjects. 

Maybe he needs help. His throat feels sore from the pleasant 69 but he could easily do it again. There's nothing quite like having your dick sucked while simultaneously sucking dick.

On top of that, Adam's quite of a natural talent in that. The first one or two times had been a little awkward mostly to Adam himself because he felt so shy and unsure but once he got over that, he has been all kinds of incredible. 

"True" Sauli plaid along, turning around so he was facing Adam instead, "I mean withdrawals from our sex, they're,,, they're terrible. I suffer when you spend _one_ night at your parents' and I can't touch you for the whole day. It's awful" 

Adam's hairline was still glistening from sweat and Sauli wished he could just lick it all off. The eyes still looked heavy yet there was a definite gleam, satisfaction just blooming in them. 

"How did you even survive when I still used to spend at least 4 nights a week at their place?" Adam asked, "Now I practically live here, so"

"I barely did. That's why I have my secret photo stash" Sauli said thoughtfully.

"You definitely need help" Adam decided, "And a lot of it"

"Mm hm" Sauli protested, climbing on top of Adam's body, "I need you" he murmured, brushing off the hair that was stuck on Adam's forehead.

"You have an exceptionally high tolerance when it comes to me" Adam said, loosely lacing his fingers on the small of Sauli's back, right above his ass, "It's incredible"

Sauli chuckled, 

"Of course. Never coming down from this high. I don't even want to" 

Adam rolled them over which Sauli had no complainments against. He loves to feel the solid body weight on top of him. 

"I need you to come with me to the eating disorder deparment when I go there to tell about my situation" Adam said quietly.

Sauli felt such a huge wave of warmth go through his body, consisting of love, pride and affection for this young man.

"Of course I'll come with you" Sauli said, no hesistation, and squeezed Adam's hips, "If you want me to"

"What if they shut me in to the ward?" Adam asked, his voice cracking, "I don't want that. I don't-"

"Hey" Sauli hushed, soothingly rubbing Adam's skin, "They won't make you, I'm sure. There must be some outpatient program available but you _must_ feel content enough to follow it at home"

"I can do it" Adam said confidently, sitting up on Sauli's lap, "I want this thing _gone_. I want it out of my life. I want to be able to go out to dinner with my boyfriend without some ridiculous fear holding me back. I want to be able to look at myself from the mirror without wanting to hit my fist through the reflection"

Adam's voice cracked and he covered his face behind his palms. Sauli reached out to pull him back down by his shoulders. 

"You'll get there, I promise" Sauli whispered, cradling the back of Adam's head, "I promise"

~*~ 

Next day they both returned to work. Sauli sort of wanted to give Adam a few more days off work but he also wanted to keep an eye on him. Especially now when he's thinking about going to the health center.

Adam was cleansing the lenses and objectives of Sauli's camera on the floor, looking up when Sauli sighed, frustrated.

"Any chance you'd be interested in doing a fashion photoshoot?"

"I don't know, what kind?"

"Photos for the corridor walls. You'd be wearing a police officer outfit" Sauli winked and propped his legs up on his desk, "You can seduce me like you did when we did that perfume commercial"

"The one that got you wanting to get into my pants?"

Sauli laughed, shaking his head,

"Honey, you already had me at hello"

"Really?" Adam grinned, "It took you a while to make a move"

"I had to contain myself!" Sauli defended himself, "You were a minor. And I didn't know if you were even gay. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable"

"You doubted my gayness?" Adam snickered, "Wow I thought I was so obvious

"I wanted to be sure" Sauli smiled, "But what do you say?"

Adam got up, careful not to stomp any of the lenses or other stuff when he walked to Sauli's desk. Sauli pulled his feet down from the desk and spun his chair around, allowing Adam to stand between his knees.

"But here's my conditions... One, you let me fuck you the whole night. Two, you let me fuck you the whole day"

"Have you ever _not_ done that?" Sauli teased.

"Point taken. So I can come up with two different conditions then" Adam beamed, humming a little when Sauli dropped his chair lower and came face-to-face with his crotch.

"Have I ever told you how much I love it when you wear tight leather pants?"

"Not in the last few hours" Adam winked.

"Well, I  _love_  it when you wear tight leather pants" Sauli murmured and brought his face so close the bulge Adam must have felt his breath through the fabric.

" _Sauli...!_ Not here" He hissed when Sauli gave an affectionate rub. 

Sauli chuckled. He'd never do such thing in his office in the middle of the day. He has such a good reputation so no point in ruining it with having sex in it. He just loves to tease Adam so he gave the bulge a one more gentle squeeze before letting go.

"Great, now you made it all happy" Adam said, sighing.

"Sorry" Sauli smirked and grabbed Adam's hands into his, "Are you up for a lunch first and then to the studio?"

"First to the studio, then lunch" Adam insisted. 

"Okay. I'll just send these emails and we can go" Sauli smiled, trying not to let his nervousness show. He knew Adam wanted the studio first so later they might "forget" the lunch. He let go of Adam's hands and spun his chair again, also raising it higher. 

Adam walked around the desk but stopped suddenly, turning to lean his back against the desk. 

"You okay?" Sauli asked, concerned. 

"Yeah, just suddenly feeling a little light-headed" Adam said, hanging his head low. Sauli would normally ask if the person has eaten enough but he feels utterly uncomfortable talking about food with Adam. 

"You might wanna sit down for a while. And drink some mineral water from the frige" 

Adam nodded, slowly straightening up. He made his way to the backroom to get himself a bottle of water from the fridge. Sauli sent the emails, made bookings and checked through job and internship applications. He sent a message to Ashley and told her to browse them through and narrow them down to best 20. 

In about 15 minutes he was ready to go. They made their way to get the outfit and then headed to the studio #3 because it was empty and Sauli made sure it staid that way by locking the door. 

He did Adam's make up by himself, just a natural, simple look. When he was done, Adam started to pull on the outfit while Sauli put back all the make up supplies. 

"This outfit isn't made for my size" Adam said when he pulled the pants up. Sauli didn't mind at all that they looked a little snug on him. 

Adam pulled on the upper half too and Sauli helped him to adjust it the way he wanted. The first three buttons staid unbuttoned, exposing just enough of his chest. 

"I wonder if these work?" Adam asked, unhooking the handcuffs from the belt loop. They clicked open quite easily in his hands, "That's a shame. You would get out of these way too easily"

"If I knew you were into handcuffs, I would have searched mine long time ago" Sauli said and put the cap on Adam's head. 

"You have handcuffs somewhere?" Adam smirked, clicking his own back on the loop. 

Sauli got them ages ago for Halloween. He has one fluffy pair and one pair that looks a bit more realistic. He hasn't gotten to use them in such a long while though so he'd happily fool around with them again.

Cuff or be cuffed, both work for him. And just seeing Adam play around with fake handcuffs made his dick all eager. He'd happily be manhandled by that police officer.

"Yes, I do. We'll talk about them later, now I need you to get on the camera" Sauli said before he'd get too distracted.

Snapping photos of Adam was easy, he knew how to pose and bring up his best angles. Sauli got tons of beautiful frames in just a few minutes. 

When satisfied with the frames, Sauli approached Adam and unbuttoned the rest of his buttons. He dragged his forefinger down from Adam's chest down to his belly and then tugged on the waistband.

"I want you in this costume" He said, hissing almost, "Take it home with you. We'll return it tomorrow"

"If you find the handcuffs" Adam said with a wink, gasping when Sauli slipped a hand into his pants. 

"I can try" Sauli murmured, rubbing Adam's cock. He was growing hard fast and normally Adam eagerly 'sits back' and relaxes but now he seemed a little tense.

"Relax" Sauli whispered, firmly stroking up and down. 

"I can't" Adam said, frowning, and pushed Sauli's hand off, "It's happening again" 

"What's happening again?" Sauli asked, watching as Adam bent forward to hold onto his knees, "Hey?"

"Dizzy" Adam said quietly, "And some pain in here" he added, gesturing towards his chest area, looking more frightened than Sauli has ever seen him. 

Sauli felt lost at first, not really know what he should do. But he quickly counted 1+1 in his head, knowing that arousal leads to increased blood pressure and heart rate. 

And if they cause pain and dizzyness, it's better to get checked.

Sauli called 911 just in case and as he was explaining what happened and was happening, Adam lowered himself on the floor like he was slowly losing power and energy. 

Within seconds he collapsed entirely. 

Sauli was told they are sending help immediately as higher priority, and that is when he really started to fear.

~*~

Sauli squeezed Adam's hand and brought it up against his lips, careful not tug the I.V. off.

"Remember how I said yesterday that I still have one addiction present in my life and that it's you? I'm always high on you" Sauli asked whispering, obviously not expecting an answer from his unconscious boyfriend, "And that it's an addiction I never want to get out. It seemed like a light joke just then..."

Sauli used Adam's hand to stop the tear that was falling down his cheek. 

"I realized withdrawals from you would be more painful and harder to cope with than any barbiturate ever was..." He said quietly, "Not knowing what happened and what's happening to you, I- If you somehow disappeared from my life... If something happened, if you were,,, gone, I- I would die from those withdrawals. I would die"

Sauli squeezed his eyes shut, breathing deep to distract himself from the sobs that he felt were coming all too strong on him. 

"You hear me? They would _kill_ me..." He said calmly, looking at Adam's peaceful face which looked beautiful even despite of all the intubation tubes and what not. 

"You need to wake up" Sauli sobbed, reaching out to gingerly brush Adam's cheek with his fingers, "Bunny, I need you to wake up... Please?"

Sauli was so focused on Adam he didn't even hear someone entering the room.

"Adam's in good care now, Mr. Koskinen" Said the doctor who Sauli saw earlier at the ER.

"Please, just Sauli" Sauli said, letting go of Adam's hand and wiped his eyes once again.

"Sauli. Adam gave us a scare but he should be waking up soon. Things are looking good now"

"Then why does he have a tube in his throat?" Sauli asked him, hating how angry he ended up sounding.

"Just for caution. We'll remove it once he wakes up. Let us know if anything happens or if you need anything" He said, leaving the room with an encouraging smile. Sauli turned his attention back to Adam, bringing his hand on his hair. 

"He said you gave us a scare but now everything should be fine" He said, "If you could just wake up so I could really see it myself too"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon any possible medical inaccurate information.


	14. Forever and always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's condition gave them all a scare. It's time to make some changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOT responsible of any inaccurate medical informations. Googled my best but I ain't no doctor so don't trust me.

Waiting for Adam to wake up has been a torture beyond anyone's beliefs. When he finally did wake up, Sauli immediately called for a nurse who called for a doctor after she had checked on Adam. 

Sauli would have hugged him and expressed how worried he has been but it felt like he would have touched very deliciate porcelain that could have shattered any second if he did. 

"Hello, Adam. I'm Dr. Lewis. I was there when they brought you in" Said the doctor, while checking on Adam's condition with his medical expertise, "Looks like we can perform an extubation. Your nurse, Jazmine, will suction down the breathing tube and your mouth first and then I will remove the tube. Understood?"

Adam nodded. Whilst the nurse did what she was told to do, Sauli turned to the doctor and pulled him aside. He didn't want to put any extra stress on Adam so he didn't want to risk him hearing what they discussed.

"Can he breathe on his own now?" Sauli asked quietly, "Is the danger over?"

"I'm very positive he can. We'll see for sure once the extubation has been done. But like I said before, Adam's steady now" Dr. Lewis said calmly and tapped Sauli's shoulder, "You've been very brave, Sauli. He might not be with us anymore if it wasn't for you. And I don't mean this incident, I mean in general. Because in this incident, he was lucky"

Sauli swallowed hard, eyes following Dr. Lewis as he went back to Adam. 

"I'm going to pull out the intubation tube now, so I want you to cough really hard on my three, okay?"

Adam nodded. 

"On three" Dr. Lewis repeated, "One, two, three"

He pulled the tube out as Adam coughed. For a second it looked like Adam was struggling for breath but within a few seconds he managed to fill his lungs with air on his own. The nurse gave him some water after it seemed like Adam could breathe and there was no risk of him choking on the water.

"I'd like to talk to you about what happened, Adam" The doctor said, gently, "It's up to you if you want to discuss in private" he added, glancing at Sauli in a meaningful way. 

Adam grasped Sauli's hand tight and shook his head,

"He can stay" He said, his voice still raspy. 

"Okay" Dr. Lewis smiled, pulling out a chair and sat down, "You were having heart palpitations; SVTs. In other words, an irregular heart beat that was not, thankfully, life threatening. It resulted to feeling lightheaded, chest pain and headache. But when you were brought into the hospital, you were staring to show signs of a possible upcoming v-tach, so we had to work fast"

"So, is it like,,, serious?" Sauli dared to ask, squeezing Adam's hand.

"I'm afraid it is" Dr. Lewis said, "But the good news is, as soon as we started giving you the necessary IV fluids, your HT has started to normalize. We found no blood clots in the angiography but you were running incredibly low on potassium and I need to know why is that. Have you been sick lately? Severe stomach flu? Vomiting?"

"I'm bulimic" Adam said bluntly, but the doctor looked not surprised at all, "Been for several years"

"Well, that explains a lot" Dr. Lewis said with an easy, gentle smile, "We're gonna run a few more tests, if that's okay. We're gonna keep you here in CCU for a bit longer so we can keep close monitoring on you and your heart and see if it's necessary for us to place an AICD"

"Now, what the hell is that?" Adam asked, frowning. 

"It's a small device we'd plant inside your body to perfom a cardioversion. But let's not get ahead of things yet"

Sauli had to sick back down because the seriousness of the entire situation hit him like a brick again. Adam didn't just faint, he was actually close to having a cardiac arrest. 

The thought made Sauli tremble like a leaf thoroughly and the all too familiar, unpleasant sensations came creeping up his spine.

"So I've finally destroyed my body from the inside too" Adam said quietly, "I promised myself that I'd stop before it could happen... But it decided to take me off guard"

"It's still not too late, Adam. It could have been so much worse. Jazmine will tell you more about our nutritionists, rehab and our therapy services"

"Okay... Thank you" Adam said with a faint smile.

"But now,,, do you feel like you can breathe properly? Does breathing feel labored _at all_?" Dr. Lewis asked Adam who shook his head immediately.

The nurse then placed a nasal cannula on Adam before Dr. Lewis got up and pulled her aside to probably tell what further tests they still need and what she as his nurse will have to take care of. 

"You gave me a scare" Sauli murmured to Adam, pulling his chair closer and reached out to touch Adam's cheek, "I thought I was losing you and I have never felt so lost in my entire life"

"I'm sorry" Adam whispered, his eyes red and swollen, "I gave myself a scare too"

"I lost your pulse" Sauli whispered, lump rising in his throat as he gazed into Adam's eyes, "I know I was just too panicked and that's why I didn't find it but I thought-"

"Shh" Adam interrupted, rolling Sauli's hand in his and squeezed his fingers, "I'm still here..."

"Thank God for that" Sauli smiled, bringing Adam's hand to his lips and kissed it.

"Does mom and dad know?" 

"Yeah" Sauli said, letting go of Adam's hand, "They weren't in town when they called them but I'm sure they'll be here soon"

"Okay" 

"I'm gonna go and get myself something to eat from the cafeteria while they take some more tests, okay?" Sauli informed and got up from the chair, leaning down to kiss Adam's forehead. After the kiss, Adam tipped his head back meaningfully and chased after a kiss on the mouth as well. 

Sauli gave in, gingerly pecking Adam on the lips too. 

"I'll see you later"

~*~ 

Adam's parents arrived before the noon. Sauli had lost the track of time when he was waiting for Adam to wake up but now he was finally catching on. He let Adam talk to them in private for a while and only returned to the room after about 15 minutes.

He had already stepped in before he faintly knocked on the door,

"May I come in?"

"Of course" Came Adam's voice but considering the looks on Leila's and Eber's faces, Sauli felt very unwelcomed. They looked at him like he was the one to blame from it all. 

But since he didn't know what Adam has told them about his illness, he can bear to be looked at like that. Though it hurt him in ways he can not describe.

"You know, I had a bad feeling about this when you first started dating" Eber said, nearly pointing a blaming finger at Sauli but Leila stopped him from even raising his hand, "The whole industry that you're forcing on our son, it's-"

" _Dad_ " Adam interrupted, his voice stronger by now, " 's not his fault"

Sauli crossed his arms and sat down on 'his' chair, slouching in the most non-chalant way he possibly could. Which probably irritated them even more but he rather ignored the nonsense the best he could than snap something he couldn't take back. 

"You can't say he hasn't plaid a part in this" Said Leila as she joined in the 'let's blame Adam's boyfriend for all of this' - club.

"You too, mom. Stop bitching at him, he doesn't deserve it" Adam said, "I have a bulimia. But the blame on that"

"But all of these weird symtoms only came when you started working in the industry" Eber pointed out like he knew any of that, his eyes still digging into Sauli's soul. 

Sauli glanced at Adam, waiting for him to jump in again and tell them he has been sick for years. 

But he never did, he only shifted uncomfortably, avoiding to look at Sauli. Sauli would never call him a coward, he would never make him feel bad for not talking about sore subjects. But in a way he expected Adam to do it at least now and pull Sauli out of the bad light. 

"Alrighty then" Sauli smiled, all sarcastic, and pushed himself up from the chair, "I refuse to be blamed for this when I have never wished for anything but Adam's best"

Sauli left the room and waited in the hallway until Adam's parents left. Eber walked right past him but Leila stopped when she was passing him,

"I don't think you're a bad person. To be honest, I have never seen Adam look so happy" She said, a sad smile on her mouth while her eyes twinkled with joy, "Which must speak great volumes on how unhappy he used to be. And we never noticed"

Sauli felt some of the anger leave his body. After all, they were just parents who were worried sick about their loved one, trying to find some sort of explanation. 

A target where to point their finger at to make things more easier to accept.

"I'm not mad at you... And neither is he. Adam told us all about his eating disorder... I didn't really believe you'd have a negative impact on him"

 _But you were still ready to blame me_ , Sauli's mind said but he chose not to say it out loud. 

"Okay. I'm glad if you think so" Sauli said, trying his best to smile because he hates having any kind of feuds with anyone. Especially not with Adam's family. 

Leila must have sensed he still felt bitter because she sat down on the chair next to his. 

"I believe you're good to him. And he loves you a lot" She said, "And I think you're great. It was just very hard to hear all that... It makes me want to blame myself, I never noticed he struggled. But you did. So somehow the idea of him coming down with bulimia only after he had met you felt easier for me to digest"

Sauli understood her; Her words made sense to him. He can not imagine what it's like for a mother to discover your child is struggling with something and you had never paid attention to it and noticed it earlier. 

"The doctor told us if you weren't there with him when he passed out, he might not-"

Her voice cracked and she stopped mid-sentence, covering her mouth with her hand. Sauli pulled out a tissue from his pocket and handed it to her,

"Thank you" She said, wiping the corners of her eyes, "He was very drowsy when we left... I think you should let him get some more sleep. He gets very cranky if he's tired"

"I know" Sauli said quietly.

"Of course you do" Leila chuckled, "You've spent more time with him lately than we have... I suggested he'd come home after discharging but he was reluctant. Said you would take a good care of him"

Sauli smiled, 

"I will. I promise you that"

Leila nodded, taking a deep breath and folded her tissue. She gave an encouraging, apologetic and accepting pat to Sauli's knee before she stood up.

"I heard you'll be taking him to Finland for Christmas... He's very thrilled" 

Sauli gulped. He thought Adam had already told them about their plans. 

"I'll happily give a permission to that" She smiled, "Later!" She added, slowly turning away and went after Eber. 

Sauli decided to let Adam get the much needed rest so he waited until he fell asleep until he quietly entered the room, lounging on the chair he has been sitting on for about a day now. 

 

~*~

 

A few hours passed until Sauli heard some faint sounds.

"You don't have to be a hero..." He heard Adam say so he raised his head, glancing towards the bed where Adam was now turned on his side, facing him. Sauli has been snoozing on the chair while Adam was sleeping and his neck felt like it would never straighten up again.

"What was that?" Sauli asked gently, not sure if Adam was even fully awake yet. 

"I'm saying that you don't have to be so strong all the time" Adam said, his voice still somewhat raspy, "I'm saying I would still appreciate you and love you just as much even if you decided to leave the room for a second or even an hour to pull yourself together. Or if you cried yourself to sleep on that chair" 

Sauli couldn't help a small frown as he realized Adam was fully awake and fully conscious and aware of what he was saying to him. He straightened up on the chair, looking at Adam with confusion in his eyes,

"You've been so strong and so brave for me thorough all these months that I have known you and I'm sorry if I at some point forgot that you're a human too... And not just my guardian angel" 

There were large tears rolling out of the corners of Adam's eyes.

"Adam-"

"No" Adam interrupted firmly, "I remember my job interview with you, the first one... I had such a terrible stomach ache. Foreshadowig the future, eh? Anyway,,, You cared. You didn't even know me yet you seemed to care about how much in pain I was. And that's so great about you... You care about people. Whether you know them personally or not, you want everyone to be okay"

Sauli had no idea where Adam was heading with all this. It could result in something very pleasant or something very unpleasant. Sauli took a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for whatever was coming up. 

"When I told you I was gay, you supported me. Even if you weren't gay yourself, I have a feeling you still would have supported me. When you found out I had a history of self-harm, you supported me. And when I was nervous about not only _our_ first time but my first time _ever_ ,,, you were incredibly understanding and patient"

The last one wasn't easy. Every cell in Sauli's body craved for Adam's body in every possible way every time he saw him. But it wasn't at all about a battle of will, it was about not being a dick and letting go of someone so wonderful only because he had to wait to sex him up.

"And yet I still imagined you couldn't handle me being a bulimic" Adam said with a humorless chuckle, "After all, you were always ready to 'take a bullet for me'. But maybe that was the problem... While you always searched for a band-aid for me whenever I bled, you forgot to search one for yourself. All these months, you've shown me nothing but strength while I have shown you nothing but weakness"

"Now, that's not true" Sauli said right away, not sure if he was defending himself or Adam. 

"No but that's how I see it" Adam whispered, slowly sitting up on the bed, "I've been so blind. I just- I wish you know that you're not supposed stand straight under all the pressure. You don't have to fix me... It's beyond your abilities to do"

Sauli doesn't know why he suddenly felt so vulnerable though it was Adam who was speaking. His throat and chest felt tight.

"You've defeated your struggles... Your addictions and your withdrawals, learned from your mistakes and found the will to avoid doing them again" Adam said, staring down at his hands and scrubbed on the tape that held the i.v. tube in place, "I haven't defeated or found mine. And you don't need to do it for me. I've never really understood that I'm the one who needs to choose the right paths for myself, not you"

Sauli got up, sliding on the hospital bed next to Adam and kissed his shoulder through the gown,

"This was a wake up call" Adam whispered, only stopping the scrubbing of the tape when Sauli grabbed his hand, "I'm the only one who can save me. No matter how many times you nudge me on the right path, I will always get lost again until the determination starts within myself"

"Are you determined now?" Sauli asked quietly, rubbing Adam's shoulder. 

Adam nodded frantically, more tears streaming down his cheeks. 

"I don't wanna die" He said, his voice cracking. 

"Hey, now" Sauli soothed and pulled him to a hug, stroking his back.

"See, I'm doing it again" Adam said with a chuckle. Sauli smiled, saying nothing. He only squeezed Adam's body tightly to his.

~*~

After Adam was discharged, Sauli took yet another two days off work so he could keep an eye on him. That's what the doctor suggested too - having someone to look after Adam for a few days.

Hearing how much damage Adam has caused to his own body really woke Sauli up a big time. And understanding how severe the damage already was... And how much more severe it could have been.

After those few days Sauli worked from home. He had his laptop on his lap while Adam was taking a nap next to him on the bed.

"Sauli?"

"Hm?"

"I'm incredibly bored"

Sauli chuckled, 

"Well, I guess you're kind of entitled to be. You haven't been able to do much in a few days"

Adam pursed out his lips and dragged himself closer to Sauli but Sauli closed his laptop. He prefers to keep his work files private, he knows how jealous Adam gets at the sight of all those young models. It's an issue they're trying to work on.

"Were you watching porn there?" Adam asked, intending it to be a light-hearted joke but couldn't hide the hint of disappointment in his voice. They've never really forbidden each other from watching it occasionally. As long as they prefer each other over it. 

"Oh, definitely not. I have a man in my bed who’s way hotter than any porn could ever be" Sauli smiled and put his laptop aside on the floor next to the bed. He then ran fingers through Adam's hair who smiled at the words and the sweet touch.

He climbed on top Sauli, straddling his hips and leaned down for a tentative kiss. 

"It's also been three days since I was discharged and the nurse said I could start having sex again as soon as I start feeling normal" Adam pointed out, whispering so close to Sauli's lips that he could nearly taste the words on his own tongue.

"You asked the nurse when you can have sex again?" Sauli asked, not really surprised Adam had done that. 

"That's what they're there for!" Adam squeaked. 

"To tell people when they can start having sex again?" Sauli grinned, not able to help sneaking his fingers underneath Adam's shirt. 

"Among other things, yes. Besides, better safe than sorry"

"That's true" Sauli smiled, pushing his hands further inside the shirt, pressing his fingertips firmly on the hot skin, "But first,,, How about a long, hot bubble bath together? I've had a long day"

"Okay... If that's what you want" Adam smiled, pushing himself up.

"I'll go run the water" Sauli said, getting up and disappeared into the bathroom. If he was quite honest, he felt a little hesistant about having sex with Adam. Though he knew it was most likely safe, considering Adam recovered so well and they performed no big procedures. They only gave Adam i.v. fluids that helped his heart to settle. 

He still has to take potassium and vitamin pills though. He's also slowly turning to a normal diet, step by step, starting from easily digestible foods.

Sauli ran the water, adding some bath salt and scent. 

"You coming or not?" Sauli asked from the bathroom.

Adam stepped into the bathroom the very second, cradling his belly. 

"I'm pregnant"

Sauli snorted,

"I'm so glad to have a baby with you"

"You should be" Adam said, pulling his shirt over his head and looked down at himself again, sighing, "I wonder how long this will last. Does it bother you?"

Sauli really wished he wouldn't need to answer the question. It should be obvious. 

"Of course not. It's part of your healing process so it's the last thing that could ever bother me. Now get in the tub" 

Sauli sat beside the bathtub, his hand in the water to feel the temperature once more, while Adam was getting rid of the rest of his clothes. Then Adam sat in the tub, first, since he's the one who sits against the tub wall. Sauli sat between his legs and leaned against his chest.

"This is so nice" He beamed and grabbed Adam's hands, pulling them around his waist, “Do I hurt you?”

“No” Adam replied and nuzzled the back of Sauli’s neck, "The pressure actually feels good"

Sauli smiled,

"Tell me if that changes"

"Mm"

Adam kissed the back of Sauli's neck, making Sauli sigh blissfully. 

"Oh by the way,,, I have something to tell you. I meant to tell you when I heard about it two days ago but I didn't want to stress you out more than necessary"

Which is true. Christmas is coming up rapidly and Sauli will travel to Europe with Adam. Except now another conference popped up in Paris in addition to the other one so he'd have to leave about a week and a half earlier now.

"Yeah?"

"About my business trip to Europe. And also our little vacation to my family. There's another conference in Paris that I was asked to attend. It means I'd have to leave about a week and a half earlier than planned. You can join me later, you don't have to change your plane ticket"

The lips from the nape of his neck disappeared. Then there was silence. And silence was never good. 

"Adam?"

"I wouldn't really wanna be away from you that long" Adam quietly said, "I know I said I shouldn't be so dependent on you but... Right now, as cheesy and cliche as it sounds, I'm uncertain about everything in my life but you"

Sauli felt a tug in his heart. He wouldn't want to leave Adam for so long either. Not only he has grown on him so bad that he can't imagine going 1,5 weeks without seeing him but he'd also freak the fuck out thinking about if he's doing well with the rehab and therapy or not.

"You fed me soup earlier" Adam whispered, chuckling lightly, "And... It might sound strange but it's one of the most intimate things you've done to me. Because at that moment I trusted you in ways that I have never trusted into anyone. I let you control my eating..."

Sauli turned around and spread his legs on both sides of Adam's hips.

"When you put it like that... It makes me not want to leave you"

"Then don't. Let me come with you" Adam pleaded, eyes big and irresistable, "Unless... You want to go alone, of course"

Sauli shook his head,

"I want you to come with me. I think it's better for us both... In many ways. And there's so much we can do in Paris. And after that in Finland... I can show you where I come from. Where I went and what I did as a kid. Then introduce you to my family"

"Your family" Adam repeated nervously, "Not sure if I'm-"

Sauli smiled at him and placed two fingers under his chin to keep Adam from dipping his head down like he still sometimes does. 

"I'm more than sure that they'll love you"

Adam took a deep breath and shrugged,

"Maybe they will. Or not"

Sauli sighed with an understanding smile. He can imagine how Adam feels like, he was nervous too when he met Leila and Eber for the first time. Which reminds him he still has his brother yet to meet.

"They will. I'm sure"

"And I'm in a rehab" Adam pointed out.

"Hey", Sauli soothed, rubbing Adam's thighs, and pressed their foreheads together, "They don't have to know. Though I'm sure they wouldn't see you any differently"

"Okay, if you're sure" 

"I am" Sauli whispered. They shared a long, dreamy kiss which reminded Sauli they discussed the possibility of having sex earlier. 

So they took their time with the bath but eventually finished when the water was getting cold. They settled on the bed all naked, skin on skin.

"We could play that truth or dare game" Adam suggested, nuzzling Sauli's neck, "Now that we're alone and no one will most definitely interrupt us"

"You, my love" Sauli started, tangling his fingers in Adam's hair, "Are a genius"

He kissed Adam once more before pulling away to get the card box from his nightstand drawer. He hasn't plaid the game much, the only time was with Adam and even that was with a bad timing. 

Sauli sat on the bed by Adam's feet and let him have the first card.

"Okay, so this is a dare" Adam winked, "Stimulate a part of my body that you know is sensitive but _not_ the genitals"

Sauli closed his eyes and thought about it. There were so many, almost an endless sea of options. 

Ears, neck, collarbones, nipples, inner thighs, ass. The back of his knees and calves. There are so many pleasure triggers Sauli had a hard time choosing. 

But when he noticed Adam's feet moving restlessly and his toes curling, as they always do when he's turned on, Sauli has an idea. He grabbed Adam's leg and bent it at the knee and pressed his lips against his ankle. Sauli discovered a whole new erogenous zone from his body when Adam had sprained his ankle. 

Adam closed his eyes, sighing. Sauli knows it's not a spot that would drive him crazy immediately but something that keeps up all the anticipation. 

"Fuck, how did you even know that?" Adam asked, hissing.

Sauli dragged the tip of his tongue around the dip under Adam's ankle, listening to his breath hitch.

"I know lot of things about you" Sauli smirked, licking around the ankle. He even bit the fragile skin, grazing his teeth around it before he slowly let go and lowered Adam's foot back on the mattress.

"Apparently" Adam murmured.

It was Sauli's turn to pull out a card.

"Truth. Have you ever wanted to tie me up BDSM style?"

Adam's cheeks flushed in a guilty way which was all the answers Sauli needed. When he first met Adam and got to know him, he didn't believe he'd have that kinky side in him. He always seemed so vanilla.

"Okay, bunny, tell me more"

"That's not part of the question" Adam said and took the card from Sauli's hands, "Besides I didn't even say yes"

Sauli gave him a look.

"Fine! But it's not like I think about it every day" Adam added, pulling out a new new card for himself.

"Truth. Tell me the most inappropriate moment you thought of me naked"

Sauli pursed out his lips and thought about it. Oh boy, there are so many... Sometimes he can't help but think about Adam spread out on the bed all naked and desperate to either get sucked or fucked or to suck or fuck.

"The most inappropriate one? Probably while I was having a dinner with elderly fashion professionals some while ago. They were so boring I could not think of anything else but you naked whilst they rambled on about their wives, their cars, their latest health check and what not"

Sauli listened in awe when they talked about their careers. But after the career talk, he noticed he was a terribly bad listener. But he blames it all on Adam.

They had just done the deed for the first time and his head was spinning from it. 

Adam laughed, 

"I don't blame you"

Sauli chuckled as well and pulled out a new card.

"Dare. Turn me on"

"That’s it?" Adam asked with an amused chuckle, "You're already hard and I'm just lying here. But since I'm nice, I might do another thing too" 

Adam spread Sauli's thighs and laid down between them. He leaned down to lick Sauli's neck while grinding his hard cock against Sauli's. Sauli ran his fingers through Adam's fluffy hair and bent his own head back, exposing as much skin as he possibly could.

Adam knows all the spots on his neck and he wasn't afraid to hit all of them the right way. 

Sauli reached down to grab Adam's ass and gave it a firm squeeze, pulling him even more flush against his own body. It made them both moan softly. 

But Adam was determined to keep going with the game and not give in so soon. 

"Time's up" He smirked and pulled away, looking all cocky.

Sauli only panted for a moment and watched as Adam pulled out a new card from the box. He didn't read it out loud, he just lay down on the mattress, spread his legs and stared at the card.

"Dare. Lick any part of my body for 30 seconds"

Sauli smirked and eyed Adam from head to toe. 

"And you don't try to give me any hints or anything with that suggestive position?" He asked and stroked Adam's thigh, slowly up and down, curling his palm more on the inner side which made Adam's dick twitch curiously.

Adam shook his head as no and put the card away, 

"Not at all. But I feel like you might want to lick this" Adam murmured, wrapping his fingers around his hard length. 

Sauli licked his lips, nearly subconsciously. 

Yeah, he just might... But he might not want to give in so easily, he enjoys driving Adam crazy as much as Adam enjoys driving him crazy. It now felt like a playful battle of who gives in first.

Sauli leaned down to kiss Adam's belly button, feeling his warm cock snug against his stubbled cheek. Sauli smiled against his skin, glancing up into Adam's eyes and flicked his tongue around the belly button,

"What? Not the spot you were thinking of?" He asked with a wicked grin.

"You little-"

"I know" Sauli snickered and moved his head a little, poking Adam's shaft with the tip of his tongue. Adam shifted, his hips coming slighly off the bed as a reflex.

Sauli gave it several licks and kissed the head tentatively, enjoying Adam's frustrated groans all too much. 

Adam looked down at him, bringing his hands on top of Sauli's head.

"I think the 30 seconds has already passed" Adam managed to say between his labored breaths.

"I know" Sauli said, sucking wet kisses on Adam's balls now. He heard Adam curse under his breath and the grip he had on Sauli's hair, tightened. Sauli moaned, pleased. 

"You know what, fuck this game. I want you now” He groaned, throwing Adam’s legs over his shoulders and started sucking in earnest. 

"Okay" Adam wheezed, throwing his head back on the pillow, "No complainments..." 

Sauli sucked in his cheeks, pulled away with an obscene smack of his lips and kissed the glistening, wet tip.

He flickered his tongue around that magical spot underneath the head for a couple of seconds, enough to make Adam writhe in pleasure. He brought his other hand for help, stroking the base firmly up and down, rapidly.

Sauli grabbed Adam's knees then, pushing his legs up towards his own chest and spread them apart, lowering his mouth past Adam's balls. He breathed against his entrance and gave a quick, tentative lick across it.

He noticed Adam's body tense and felt him tug on his hair, not hard, but enough to tell Sauli he wasn't entirely comfortable with the new activity. Sauli raised his head, slowly letting Adam's legs down. 

"Sorry..." Adam whispered, "I just-"

"No, bunny, it's okay" Sauli said right away, crawling up to bring his face close to Adam's, "Just let me know if you ever change your mind..."

"I promise" Adam smiled, "Come here” he said, pulling Sauli into a heated kiss by the back of his head. 

Sauli let his body down entirely and started grinding his cock against Adam's, happy that Adam was leaking so deliciously after his mouth to make the friction feel that much slicker and more pleasurable.

Adam’s hands wandered on Sauli’s skin, over every hot patch of skin he could reach while Sauli ground their dicks together. Without breaking the kiss, Adam reached down to rub his thumb over the heads, making them both pant for more.

Adam rolled them over, wrapping his fingers around their cocks and brought his lips near Sauli’s ear. Sauli didn't mind the position change, he actually prefers to feel Adam on top of him like this. 

Adam's hand worked fast, squeezing and twisting around their cocks while Sauli's hips still pushed down hard.

In seconds, Sauli groaned, squeezing Adam’s ass to his palms as he shot his heavy loads between them. His whole body tingled and shook with pleasure. 

The feeling intensified fast and soon he felt almost too sensitive to be touched at all but he wanted Adam to come like this; cock wet and hot against his own. 

"Come for me, baby" Sauli whispered in the kiss, squeezing Adam's ass once more. Adam shuddered, a moan escpaping his throat, and his cum splattered between their bodies. 

Sauli smiled, feeling incredibly happy with his life right now, and curled his hand on the back of Adam's head. They shared one more long and toe-curling kiss before Adam rolled away, panting. 

"Well, that was pleasant" Sauli said, reaching out to grab a kleenex from his nightstand first for Adam and then for himself, "I'm glad you already feel more energized"

Adam chuckled, wiping his hands,

"Oh, me too. We're just getting started"

After a few minutes of lazy silence, Adam spoke;

"When you told me you love me... How did you know it was love?"

Sauli opened his eyes, turning his head and looked at Adam who was staring at the ceiling. 

"I, uh- I don't know, really. I just,,, I just knew. What's funny to me is that being in love with you now makes me think I have never been in love before" Sauli admitted, "I've dated, met some amazing people and had a relationship. I was certain I loved him. But with you it was like,,, A whole another level"

And it was scary. Exciting for sure but also terrifying. It's scary to surrender to such feeling that leaves you feeling so vulnerable. 

"The first time I saw you and looked into your eyes, I just- I can't explain. It was like I already knew you somehow. There was this instant connection, no matter how shy you first were. My heart beat fast, I thought about you all the time and wanted to see you every day. And when I didn't, my heart ached. I concluded I had a crush"

Adam chuckled, turning his head to meet Sauli's eyes. 

"A beginning rush" Sauli added, "But love? I can't even explain it, I- I really don't know how I knew, I just did"

"Good. Because I was worried I was the only one who couldn't explain it if someone asked me" Adam said with a smile, "Indescribable"

"Exactly" Sauli agreed, moving closer and pecked Adam on the lips, "That's what it is"


	15. Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L'amour à Paris!   
> ... That was my google translate French.

Sauli has been in Paris before. But the last time he staid in a cheap motel somewhere far away from the true heartbeat of the city. Now he was able to stay in a luxurous hotel that had a beautiful view from the balcony.

The balcony probably won't be used much since it's a winter time and it's not that warm outside anymore. But that didn't stop Sauli and Adam from taking one photo on the balcony, the snowy Paris in the background. 

Well, they took two. One with their tongues sticking out and one where Adam's kissing Sauli's cheek. After taking the photos, Sauli took his camera inside and expected Adam to follow him but he didn't, he kept admiring the view of the city.

"Isn't it beautiful" Sauli sighed when he came back on the balcony. There was some snow in the ground and in the trees, Christmas lights brightly lighting up the already dim streets.

"It's so beautiful. And I can't believe I'm here with you" Adam said softly and pulled Sauli against his side.

Sauli placed his hand on Adam's back and rubbed gentle circles.

"Your mom trusted me enough to let you" Sauli smiled and dropped his hand on Adam's hip, "After what happened... "

Adam smiled, the smile somehow guilty, and brought his hand on the back of Sauli's neck. His hand was cold due to the chilly Paris weather and it made Sauli shiver but he didn't care.

"But she said if I come back with body piercings, tattoos or I'm bald, she'll end you" Adam said, intending to lighten the tension and succeeding at it.

Sauli laughed,

"No piercings or tattoos without her permission are allowed in Finland, anyway. Although I do know someone who might break the law... She does tattoos at home too. And bald? Please. I would never let you do that, I love your hair too much" Sauli said.

"I've noticed. I really want tattoos, though" Adam said thoughtfully, "Maybe your friend could do one somewhere where my mom wouldn't see it..."

Sauli tapped Adam's hip, as if to say 'so not happening but I let you think so'.

"More of like an acquaintance. But your mom would kill me if she found out. You can take one next month when you turn 18"

"Something small! Somewhere around my hip" Adam whined, turning Sauli around by his shoulder so they were not facing each other, "Please, ask your friend. Or 'acquaintance'. I can make it up to you somehow"

Sauli cocked his eyebrows. 

"In there" Adam added with a sultry look, nodding towards the bed which was right by the balcony door inside the room.

"Stop trying to seduce me. It's not fair" He said, half-joking, and gingerly pushed Adam further away from him.

Adam casually dropped down to his knees.

"Or you want me to make it up right now?"

Sauli pulled Adam up by his arms, rapidly looking around them though he knew no one would probably see. Except maybe the elderly couple by the window in the opposite building. 

"Jesus christ" Sauli hissed while Adam just laughed, "What's gotten into you?" He asked, not able to help the chuckles himself. 

"Happiness" 

Well, happiness looks amazing on Adam. 

"I mean I'm not saying it's all magically gone, I just- I just see that there's so much more to life than that. And I don't have to hide anything anymore. That's what used to consume most of my energy anyway and I-"

"Shh" Sauli sushed, pressing his finger on Adam's lips, "I know. No need to explain"

Adam pulled Sauli close by the hips and as soon as Sauli dropped his finger, Adam leaned in to chase after a simple, little kiss. But the one kiss turned to several, sweet pecks. Sauli happily obeyed, gingerly clutching on Adam's biceps. 

"You know, since we're here I'd like to take you the finest restaurant I know. I made a reservation for us in an hour" Sauli quietly said between the kisses and rubbed small circles on Adam's arms with his thumbs, intending to maybe soothe him a bit in the distress he was most definitely going to feel after hearing about dinner in a public place.

Instead of another kiss, Adam bit his lips together and hummed, a wordless 'you did, huh?'. 

"Okay... If that's what you had in mind"

"I really want you to see that place... And you gotta start somewhere, right?"

"Right" Adam agreed, "But you're giving me so much... This whole Paris, dinners, free tickets to fashion shows. And I can't give anything back to you. I know I insisted to come with you this soon but-" He added.

Sauli frowned,

"Baby,,, you do more for me than I could ever tell. I pay because I can afford that now. I'm sure there will be a time when you can give back as much as you want to"

Adam chuckled, shaking his head,

"I will never make as much money as you"

"Say that again in ten years" Sauli said with great confidence, "I'm looking forward to it"

Sauli knows Adam's dreams. He has the potential to make them true as soon as he'd dare to start trying. 

"What are you saying?" Adam asked, grinning.

"I'm saying it's getting a little chilly and we should get back inside"

And that's what they did. Sauli could have told Adam about how certain he is for making it in the music business but he didn't want to put any pressure on him. They'd talk about it more when Adam is ready.

Sauli knows from the experience that your deepest dreams are so fragile you don't even want to admit them to yourself, let alone say them out loud to someone else. 

"But tell me... Where do we go and what should I wear?" Adam asked, pushing the balcony door closed. 

"Nothing too casual but maybe not a full suit either. You'll figure it out, I'm sure" Sauli told him and went for the desk top to grab a bottle of water which were provided for them. 

"Well... I'd say a suit but with a little glam touch?"

"Sounds good" Sauli smiled, taking a sip of water.

"I'll tell you what sounds good" Adam murmured, snatching the bottle out of Sauli's hand and pushed his smaller body on the large bed, straddling him.

"I'll listen" Sauli stuttered.

"Returning from the dinner back here sounds good. And me," Adam murmured, leaning closer to Sauli and whispered in his ear, "-fucking you sounds good"

Sauli shivered. Yeah, it does sound good. 

"It might not sound so good to the ones who stay in the room next to ours" Adam said thoughtfully then, sitting up on Sauli's lap, butt nestled on his dick. 

Sauli snickered and swatted Adam's thigh,

"You're really good at breaking the mood"

"Sorry" Adam beamed, leaning back close, "But I am also the master at bringing it back"

Sauli's fingers dove into Adam's hair and the other arm went around his slim waist when Adam proceeded to kiss him, eager and passionate. Adam didn't hesistate to use tongue almost right away and it flared the fire deep inside or Sauli's belly. 

He lowered his hands to swiflty squeeze Adam's ass.

"The reservation…" He managed to stutter to the kiss, "The place is not far away, but-"

"I know" Adam whispered, sitting up again. He got up from Sauli's lap and they both started to find their clothes for the dinner. Maybe Sauli could have made the reservation for little later, now they're just going to be in a rush.

Finding clothes, doing the hair, Adam wanted to put on make up...  
   
It was snowing by the time they walked out from the hotel lobby. Sauli has never felt so blissed by a weather before but there was something magical about Paris and snow, and sharing it with Adam. 

Adam was even more awestruck. He couldn't help closing his eyes and smiling wide as he bent his head back and let the snow flakes touch his face. Sauli smiled, watching him with just as much awe.

Adam brought his head back up and looked at Sauli, his child-like smile now replaced by something more serious. He grabbed Sauli's waist and pulled him closer, going in for a kiss. 

Sauli melted into it the second he felt Adam's lips touch his. His hands slowly travelled from Adam's arms to his shoulders, the thick fabric of the coat rough under his fingers. He moved his hands to the back of Adam's head.

The cold snow and the chilly breeze of wind felt like the perfect balance for the warmth of Adam's entire body, and especially his lips which were moving ever so smoothly against his own. His hold around Sauli's body tightened and Sauli suddenly felt drugged by the simple touch. 

It felt good in such a simple way. To be held so tightly against someone he so deeply cares for and loves beyond words. 

While still cradling the back of Adam's head, soft hairs between the fingers, Sauli's other hand slid to Adam's face, softly cupping his cheek to his palm. 

It felt like the first kiss all over again. Like the explosion of anticipation, excitement and affection. And it felt like it went on forever yet was over too soon.

"Not to downgrade any of our kisses, but-" Sauli said breathlessly. 

"One of the best ones we've shared, I know. Maybe it's the Paris" Adam finished for him. He nuzzled Sauli's face like he longed for more but knew he couldn't have any, "We were on a rush, right? Can't be late from our table reservation"

'Right" Sauli whispered, licking his lips and pulled away reluctantly, hands slowly sliding off Adam's body. Except for one of his hands which he firmly grabbed, tugging him along. 

They could have taken a cab but nothing beats walking down the beautifully lit streets of Paris with the one you love when it's snowing.

~*~ 

In the restaurant they had a private space for them. Sauli wanted to get a private room for various reasons, even if it cost a little more. But it was worth it.

The dinner had been incredibly tasty and now it was time for some dessert. It was the part Adam had been most worried about even though he first tried to hide it. 

"Citrus Pavlova? Poire belle Hélène?" Adam repeated the names of the desserts, looking a little frustrated as he eyed the menu, "What the fuck these even are? Why do I feel like people in France somehow think-"

"Babe" Sauli interrupted, with an awkward chuckle, "Have you decided?"

Adam raised his eyes from the menu to look at Sauli,

"Huh?"

Sauli tried to gesture at the server who stood by their table, with his eyes and the smallest nod of his head. Adam saw her too and quickly cleared his throat,

"I'll take the puffed chocolate tart, please" 

"I'll have the pavlova" Sauli added. 

The same happened with the appetizers and the main dish. But who can blame Adam, he hasn't been in a fine restaurant before let alone become familiar with French dishes. Or even Russian, in this case. 

The server wrote their orders down, took their menus and thanked them with the widest smile she could pull before leaving.

"Look at her, she must loathe me" Adam said, "And you must be terribly ashamed of me and my ignorance"

Sauli chuckled, taking a sip of wine,

"There are reasons why many restaurants don't allow minors. They're so,,, un-sophisticated. Don't even know what Poire belle Hélène is"

Of course he was joking. There was no doubt Adam knew it too. Adam has been more entertaining tonight than any "sophisticated" person could have possibly ever been. It made Sauli feel like a first timer in a fine restaurant as well. 

Not that Adam didn't eat with a knife and fork. He just didn't know how you are supposed to eat a gourmet dish.

"Somehow I feel like I'm not missing on a lot" Adam said, looking around himself, "Then again I feel like I've also missed out on everything. Maybe I'll grow used to this"

"You don't have to" Sauli smiled, reaching out over the table to trace his fingers over Adam's hand, "Fine dining twice in six months. How about that?"

"Sounds good" Adam smiled. 

Their desserts arrived soon (ish). The second Adam looked down at the chocolate tart on his plate, Sauli could see nervousness pass over his face. 

Sauli dragged his chair around the table and closer to Adam's, cringing at how loudly the foot of the chair screeched against the floor. 

"Hey" He said gently, lacing his fingers with Adam's, "It's okay"

He knew Adam struggled with sugary things the most. They are always delicious, addicting and so, _so_ , sweet. He didn't even pretend to know what was going through Adam's mind but he tried to be there for him the best he could.

Adam looked at him under his brows. He's exposed to vulnerability near food every time and Sauli can't wait until the day he can look at it and enjoy it like any other person. 

Adam chuckled then, turning his head. The chuckle might have fooled him if it wasn't accompanied by the instant turn of his head; the avoidance of Sauli's eyes.

"It's so stupid"

"No, it's not" Sauli said, tipping his own head to maybe see Adam's eyes better, "It's not" he convinced, even softer now.

"I can't have it" Adam decided then, shaking his head vigurously, squeezing both of his hands between his thighs as if to stop himself from making any impulses. 

Every time Sauli tries to compare his past situation with Adam's, he always faces the dead end. To him, the way to stay out of the road of addiction, was to avoid benzos. But nobody can avoid food entirely. 

The only thing he can rely on is his own mindset. 

"Then let me" Sauli whispered and grabbed the small fork from the table, sinking it into the tart and cut a small piece. He brought the fork closer to Adam's lips, keeping his other hand below his chin in case the sauce dribbles, "I'm not letting you get hurt by this. Just a small taste, at least?"

Sauli was told not to make a big deal out of eating or food in general and he never has, but he just finds it hard to look at when Adam can't even enjoy a dessert without feeling guilty or scared that it will again ruin his entire life. 

"You don't have to" He added gently, "If it makes you so uncomfortable, you don't have to. But you _can_ "

Adam looked at the fork, then at Sauli and again at the fork before finally opening his mouth. Sauli brought the fork into his mouth and he delicately bit into the tart, pulling the small piece off the fork. 

"Oh my god" He whispered under his breath as he chewed. 

"Good?" 

"So good"

While Adam devoured the tart, Sauli took a taste of his pavlova. Just like he thought, it didn't disappoint him. Simply delicious.

"More?" Sauli then asked Adam, gingerly.

Adam nodded,

"Yeah. ... I just hope this doesn't set my digestion in panic. I haven't had a meal this fulfilling since I started the rehab program" 

Sauli reached out to pet Adam's cheek.

"This is normal. First we eat the dinner itself and then we have some dessert. We might feel full afterwards and it's totally normal and acceptable. After this we can go back to the hotel and just relax, 'kay?"

Adam nodded, glancing at the tart again. He still kept his own hands tightly between his thighs under the table like he couldn't entirely trust himself. So Sauli took some more of his pavlova before giving Adam more of his own dessert. 

"But if you feel full and you don't want more, that's totally okay too" Sauli reminded.

Adam shook his head, blissfully eating the tart,

"I'm not _that_ full. And that's new in a way"

Sauli put the fork down on the plate and reached out for Adam's hand that was still tucked between his thighs, and slowly pulled it up.

"We're not hurting today, okay? Not for that same old reason, you can count on that" Sauli said and gave Adam the fork. Adam took it, a little reluctantly, but still did. 

Sauli smiled at him and squeezed his thigh encouragingly.

"I love you so much. You know that, right?"

"Yeah" Adam whispered, his eyes looking a little swollen, "I do. And I love you even more"

"Like you even could because I love you the most" Sauli cooed playfully, leaning in for a sweet kiss that was mixed with Adam's light, sheepish giggles. Sauli was thankful for the private room they had because no one would have wanted to hear or see those words being exchanged and that kiss being shared. 

"And once we've relaxed, I wouldn't mind getting into your pants. Been a long time" Sauli murmured, curling his hand along Adam's thigh near his groin, letting his fingers brush his balls.

"That was yesterday" Adam pointed out with an amused chuckle.

"Way too long time ago" Sauli said, wrinkling his nose and took a sip of wine. The alcohol has a tendency to make him feel hornier than normally. 

"Don't you think of anything else?" Adam asked, grinning. 

"Yes, of course. Like how I'd be bored to death by now if you didn't come with me here now but next week instead" Sauli said in all honesty. Usually when he travelled alone, he could always entertain himself with night clubs and one night stands but he couldn't have or even wanted to do that now. He would have been stuck alone in a hotel room, missing Adam and any social contact. 

Adam smiled, blushing a bit, and finally dipped his fork into the tart himself and brought some into his mouth.

"Also, my family is so enthusiastic to meet you. My mom said she has put a king sized bed to my old room"

"Oh God, what if I'm not what they are expecting me to be? What if they don't like me and then we're all forced to be stuck with each-"

Sauli pressed his finger on Adam's lips, chuckling,

"Hush. I don't see any reason why they wouldn't like you. And the most important thing is that I like you and if that isn't a reason enough for them to like you, I drag myself and you out of the house as soon as I can and spend the Christmas with the one that matters most. Alone just the two of us" 

He would hate it if his family and Finnish friends wouldn't get along with Adam. He can rebel against his family if needed but it would be harder for him to do it with his friends. His friends in the states already get along with Adam so no reason why these wouldn't. 

But there's still always the possibility of _what if_.

"God, I really love you" Adam whispered, "You're always so... Good to me. And read me so well in every situation"

"Because I know you" Sauli said quietly, again petting the back of Adam's head because he knows it relaxes him, "Better than anyone"

"Even better than myself" Adam mumbled which made Sauli smile. It's a rather flattering imagination, in Sauli's mind, but in a way he believes it's true. The person you spend the most time with end up seeing things about you, both good and bad, that you might not even acknowledge yourself.

"That's it" Adam whispered then, his eyes wide. 

"What is?" Sauli asked, confused.

"You are the only one that knows me" Adam said quietly, more of like repeating it to himself to make sure it sounds good, "Better than I know myself. The missing words from my lyrics!" He exclaimed, pulling Sauli into an enthusiastic hug. 

Sauli smiled, still a little dazed, and squeezed him back with just as much strength and affection. 

"Glad if I was helpful" 

"The song's finally ready" Adam murmured, "Finally!"

 

~*~ 

 

Back in the hotel, they were already kissing on lobby, the elevator and the hallway. Together they fumbled with the keycard that just didn't go to its slot, not when Sauli was pressed up again the door, Adam's lips distracting him. Like it wasn't hard enough to unlock when facing the wrong way. 

"Come on, push it inside..." Adam groaned while Sauli desperately tried to fit the card into the lock so they could get in the room and hopefully sex each other up, no matter if somebody heard them.

"I like the sound of that" Sauli smirked and finally the lock peeped. He swiftly turned around and opened the door, pulling Adam inside and then closed the door. 

For once Adam was wearing shoes with no thick platform or heel so it wasn't such a trick for Sauli to keep kissing him. Usually he has to rise on his toes or Adam has to bend down too much.

He eagerly kept tugging on Adam's shirt that was tucked in his pants. 

Adam started to slide Sauli's suit jacket off and Sauli let go of Adam's shirt, just long enough for him to slide the jacket completely off. The faster they get undressed, the better. 

Then he returned his hands on Adam's shirt and pulled the shirt out of his pants. He slid his hands underneath the fabric and wrapped his arms around him, feeling up the heated skin of his back and sides. 

He brought his hands to the front to unbutton Adam's pants but before he could even touch the button, Adam grasped both of his hands and pulled away from the kiss. Sauli looked up at him, confused. 

Gosh, those rosy, swollen, delicious lips. Sauli wanted to suck on them and lick them until Adam is whining with need. 

But priorities. 

"You okay?" He asked, panting.

"Yeah. I just... The digestion thing, you know? After meals it's usually very bad"

Sauli nodded, his thumb gently tracing over Adam's belly button. Sure he was slightly swollen but Sauli wouldn't have even paid attention if Adam's mention it. 

"I barely notice, though" He whispered.

"But I feel it and see it. And I don't want you to see me as something disgusting and gross and what not while we’re,,, intimate" Adam quietly said, hand still wrapped tightly around Sauli's wrist.

"How could I ever?" Sauli asked, frowning, "It doesn't bother me at all"

Adam sighed and moved Sauli's hands off his stomach. 

"It might..." He said with a nervous chuckle, "I mean it hurts a bit... And it just very uncomfortable. I'm sorry, I know we were supposed to-" Adam apologized and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Not a word, hey" Sauli said right away and crouched down to take off Adam's boots off even though he didn't ask for it. Adam thanked him and lay down, unbuckling his belt to stop it from painfully digging to his guts. He let out a relieved sigh once he got the button and the zipper of his pants undone too.

"You want to try to sleep or...?" Sauli asked while taking off his own shoes. 

Adam shrugged and watched as Sauli got on the bed next to him. There was a very prominent hard on in Sauli's pants and he wasn't able to hide it though right now he really wanted to. And he hasn't felt the need to hide it from Adam since they started dating. 

Now it just felt wrong, in a way. He should have remembered the problems Adam might get after meals. 

"I could have still given you a treat" Adam said with a smile, reaching down to cup Sauli's cock through the pants. 

"Nah, don't worry about it" Sauli said and pulled Adam's hand back up, "It wouldn't feel right when you're in pain"

Adam smiled,

"But you're gonna be so sore if you don't-"

"Considering the amount of blue balls you've given me before, especially in the beginning, I think I can handle one night"

Looking back, it all seems amusing. But back then it wasn't that amusing, Sauli was truly physically suffering almost daily. Even after they got together because Sauli was determined to wait until Adam turns 18. 

"How did you survive all of them?" Adam asked, a curious, partly mischievous smile on his lips. 

"Well, I did get tenosynovitis to my right wrist"

Adam laughed, hiding behind his hands and Sauli joined in the laughter. 

"So no tenosynovitis lately?" Adam asked, dropping his hands down. Sauli shook his head,

"Not at all"

"Imagine that if we would have waited until I'm 18, we still wouldn't have done it. And we'd still have over a month to go" Adam pointed out, "Could you imagine not having done it with me yet?"

"Well, now that we have, I couldn't. The idea feels far-fetched and too much of a struggle" 

"But would you have waited?"

Adam asked it with such sincerity Sauli really had to stop for a moment and really think about what he was going to say. He doesn't want to lie to Adam, of course it would have been hard. But at the same time, he had never felt so strongly about anyone before. 

Despite of all the flings, relationships and one night stands, Adam was something else. The chemistry had been there all the time, since the beginning. And it wasn't all physical. 

So that was worth making sacrifices for. 

"Of course I would have" Sauli said softly, "I'm not gonna lie, I'm really happy I didn't have to wait for more than a couple of weeks. After all there's only few things that are better than feeling your skin on mine"

Hot and sweaty bodies moving together in harmony. So much skin on skin contact... So much of everything Sauli feels very fond of. 

"Oh? What are those few things?"

"You. And me. Just being" Sauli said, suddenly feeling a bit vulnerable himself, "No matter how"

The smile Adam gave him was one of the best ones Sauli has received. 

"And I'll be right here next to you no matter what you decide to do. Even if you sleep or talk to me" Sauli said and draped his blazer on top of Adam's body, tucking him in. 

Adam's stomach suddenly made noises which made him soothe a hand over it and he flushed when Sauli smiled at him, sympathetically.

"So embarrassing..." Adam mumbled under his breath and tucked himself further under Sauli's jacket like he wanted to hide from the world right then and there.

"It's not embarrassing, you're in a recovery. You're beating the monster" Sauli pointed out gently and pulled Adam closer, in to the pit of his arm, "I'm so proud of how far you've become"

Adam happily snuggled against his side, smiling,

"You can sleep if you want to" Sauli suggested and plaid with Adam's hair, "Sleep it off, it might help"

"I know. And I probably should but what's the point of me being here if I can't even keep company to you?" 

Adam had the typical self-pity voice on. Sauli has learned to recognize it so he put two fingers under Adam's chin and lift his head so he could properly meet the eyes.

"I rather stay awake beside you when you sleep than be completely alone. Your health goes above everything elese" He said, watching Adam's lips twitch into the smallest smile, "I'm way happier like this. With you"

He let go of Adam's jaw so he could rest his head on his shoulder.

"But I gotta ask why did you start kissing me in the first place?” Sauli asked, his fingers playing in Adam’s hair again, "You must have known what was coming"

Adam shrugged,

"Maybe I just wanted to hide it..."

The thought hurt Sauli's heart. Worse than he would have expected. After all they've shared with each other, the thought of Adam still feeling the need to hide certain things from him kills something inside of him every time. 

“Don’t, okay? Not from me. Not ever” 

Adam nodded, whispering a nearly inaudible 'okay'. He then took Sauli's hand and pulled it on top of his belly, a little uncertain. He pressed on Sauli's palm a bit, sighing.

"You want me to rub it?" Sauli asked quietly and traced his thumb over Adam's belly button.

"Only if it's not too much to ask" Adam said a little sheepishly.

"No, not at all" Sauli smiled and fixed his position a little so he wouldn't need to keep his arm in such an awkward angle. He moved his hand in gentle circles, only pressing in harder when Adam encouraged him to. 

"This might just be the most intimate thing you have ever done to me" Adam whispered, looking down at where Sauli's hand was slowly rubbing away the pain.

"I know" Sauli said quietly and pressed his head against Adam's, "And I love that so much. If you want, this can become one of our nightly routines"

"I'd really like that" Adam smiled, closing his eyes. He fell asleep rather quickly under Sauli's soothing touch but to make sure no pain will wake him up, Sauli continued the tummy rub until he dozed off himself too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merci beaucoup for reading you guys.


	16. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas, Christmas...

As beautiful as Paris was, they had to leave eventually. They headed to Finland of course, so they can have time to enjoy the country before the Christmas Eve. There were also other people to whom Sauli wanted to introduce Adam before the Christmas.

In addition to that, he wanted Adam to get to know some Finnish spare time activities Sauli so dearly loves. In winters, ice skating was one of them. He used to do it a lot when he was younger but as he got older, his job started to take more and more time, leaving no choice but to cut off some of his hobbies. 

“Adam, this is Nea, my friend” Sauli smiled, his arm around her shoulders. She had a blonde hair that was tied up to a tight bun, her ears were protected by fluffy earmuffs and she had a bright, beautiful smile that just radiated positivity. 

She originally taught Sauli how to do figure skating and they became friends, so Sauli wanted Adam to meet her. 

“And Nea, this is my boyfriend Adam. And we’re going to teach him how to spend spare time in Finland during the winter time” Sauli said, smiling at Nea. He hoped Adam wouldn't recognize his mischievous smile but of course he would, he has seen it too many times to miss it. 

Sauli gave a meaningful glance towards Adam, then at the ice rink next to them. Adam didn't seem too happy to practise ice skating in the center of Finland's capital city, surrounded by plenty of other people. 

“I will so not go there and make a complete fool out of myself” Adam said right away, crossing his arms tightly over his chest like a stubborn kid. 

“Come on, California blood. Of course I have to test you before I give you my blessing” Nea winked, joking of course. But knowing Adam, he even might take it too seriously. However, considering the snort and chuckle, he wasn't too concerned about it.

Nea pulled him at the edge of the rink, Sauli following them.

“I borrowed several pair of skates because I didn’t know which size would fit you the best. You can try these on first” Nea said and handed Adam the first pair.

Adam glanced at Sauli but Sauli didn’t show any signs of mercy on him. He was determined to take Adam out on the ice so he will, he won't give up on him. 

“Fine! But if I break any bones, you’re both dead” Adam hissed quietly and started to unlace his shoes.

“Oooh, a feisty one” Nea grinned at Sauli who chuckled in response, "Fits well with your fiery nature"

Sauli too sat on the bench, next to Adam, and started to put on his own skates.

“I can help you with tying them once you’ve tried which ones fit” Nea said when Adam looked at the way Sauli put the ties. Sauli was using different kind of skates though, he has fallen in love with figure skating. 

Adam tried the first pair but they felt too small. The second pair on the other hand was too big. To Sauli's mind, he started to look almost too happy, like he was praying there was no pair that would fit him and he could get away with it. 

But the last pair fit. 

“Perfect” Nea grinned, starting to tie the skates. Meanwhile Adam was eyeing the people in and by the skating rink. There were lots of kids with their families at this time of the day. 

As Adam eyed the children, one of the kids fell and though Adam cringed in sympathy, all he heard was laughter coming from the kid's mouth. 

“See? If their fragile bodies don’t mind a few falls I bet your ass can bear a few contacts with the ice” Sauli beamed and stood up with the skates in his feet, "There's enough cushion to protect you"

“Stop it! You can't say things like that" Adam hissed at him, chuckling _and_ blushing, "Don't make things awkward for your friend"

"Right, I already forgot about her" Sauli joked, playing serious first but then cracked a smile when Nea gasped at him, looking exeggeratedly shocked. She knew he was joking, they've always teased each other and it's all good. 

"How nice of you" She said, getting up to gingerly nudge Sauli. Sauli chuckled, pulling her close like he wanted to really make sure she won't take him seriously. It's unlikely but it could always happen.

“You should hear the stuff she can say” Sauli said, making Nea laugh, “Every time she taught me the stretches and positions in figure skating, she made it sound like it was some kind of porno she was directing. I still don't know if it was intentional or not"

When their cackles had winded down, Sauli went to test his skates. The children watched in awe when he showed them a few pirouettes. They were not the smoothest possible but still better than he would expected after spending months without having time to train.

When he saw Adam was done, he returned to the edge of the rink to help him get on the ice. 

"I feel really depressed. You both are like pros, you even more than Sauli, and then there's me" Adam said when Nea helped him up from the bench. His legs looked wobbly, which was no surprise.

"Well, let me tell you, Sauli wasn't that good either when he started skating" Nea said encouragingly, "We all start somewhere"

Sauli chuckled, agreeing, and grabbed both of Adam's hands. Actually his forearms so Adam could hold onto his. Sauli helped him on the ice and beamed, slowly starting to let go but Adam disagreed.

"Don't you dare to let go now or I will end you right here" Adam said, clutching his arms like his life depended on it. He then saw all the kids, now looking at them with their mouths gaping open. To them it must be amusing to see someone who is practically an adult to them, skate so poorly. 

"Well, this is awkward" Adam said.

"No, it's not. But you're much taller than me so you have to let go so you can stay balanced" Sauli suggested. Adam groaned, carefully letting go of Sauli's arms and straightened up. He was more than a little unsteady when he let go.

Nea skated to his other side after she had put on her skates too.

"The slide comes easily when you learn it" She said, "I'll go to entertain those kids so you guys can have some peace"

Her professional skating and the incredible tricks she can do will put the kids in awe and keep their attention off of Adam who seemed awkward enough by now. 

"Small moves" Sauli smiled, skating backwards while Adam slowly moved towards him. You couldn't really even call it skating, it was more of like walking on ice, but hey, ten points for trying. He actually expected Adam to refuse stepping on the ice. 

Adam’s style was exactly the same as the very young kids' on the other side of the rink. Trying to stay safe and balanced while getting used to the different texture beneath your feet and on top of that, having sharp piece of metal graze against the ice on the bottom of your feet.

“Think of it as rollerblading. Except with skates. On the ice. It’s not that hard” Sauli said thoughtfully, daring to speed up a bit but occasionally made sure he wasn’t bumping into anyone. Adam wasn't that content with his moves and he easily fell behind.

"First off, I have never tried rollerblading either" Adam pointed out. 

“Okay. Give me your hands” Sauli said after a few seconds and reached out for his hands. Adam grabbed them right away like they were his saving grace.

“Hold onto me, I won’t let you fall. But you need to let your legs move more freely” Sauli guided with a gentle tone and started to pull along Adam with him. Adam dared to make a few kicks. Sauli did the same to keep their distance and speed balanced. They continued like that for a few minutes, going easy and steady around the other half of the rink.

Then Sauli decided Adam can manage on his own for a bit.

And he did. His speed wasn’t fast but Sauli didn’t expect it to be the same as his. The point was that he was skating on his own for the first time in his life and he was doing a great job. 

Sauli glanced at Nea who suddenly wasn’t with the kids anymore but actually held his camera and it was directed towards them.

Sauli grinned but didn’t mention to Adam about it or he’d start ranting about how he doesn't want to memorize this 'humiliating' moment. But give it a few years and he will look back at it with great longing.

You only start to appreciate some memories when they're long gone. Memories grow sweeter with time, they always say. 

But when he turned his attention back to Adam, he didn’t see him at his eye level like before but down on the ice on his butt, looking obviously displeasured and done with everything in his life right now.

Sauli tried not to giggle.

"You okay?" He asked and reached out his hand for him, no longer able to help the chuckles.

"Yes" Adam groaned, grabbing Sauli's hand, "But my ass most definitely isn't"

Sauli helped him up and brushed the snow off his clothes. He was afraid Adam would stumble forward when he was wiping his clothes from the behind.

“And those little kids are laughing!” Adam squeaked.

“When kids laugh they mean no harm” Sauli said to him, "They're just kids"

“And Nea is taking pictures so we can all remember how I-"

“Well, this is a moment I’d love to remember” Sauli smiled and gave a smile towards the camera as Adam kept pouting.

Nea laughed after taking the picture of them. You can clearly see who’s enjoying and who really isn't. 

Adam lost his balance again and it caught Sauli off guard, yet he automatically grabbed his hands to hopefully prevent him from falling but it only caused them both to stumble and fall down on top of the ice. 

“You okay?” Sauli asked again, mostly concerned about Adam’s head because he wasn't wearing a helmet. He didn't want to ruin his hair, he said earlier. A concussion might do more harm, Sauli had wanted to point out.

“I'm fine” Adam snapped, groaning, “I hope you don’t have to ask that anymore”

Sauli always will. Maybe not during the skating, maybe not today, but Sauli asks the question at least once a week. He rather plays it safe than lets anything scare him anymore like the incident a few weeks back did. 

Nea skated to them to make sure neither of them was hurt. She couldn’t help put snap yet another photo of them. Obstacles are part of life and this can be counted as one of them. 

Since Sauli was so close to Adam, he couldn't help but gently peck him on the lips. It seemed to lighten up Adam's mood immediately because an instant smile appeared on his face. 

After the sweet moment, Nea helped Sauli up first, then they pulled Adam up together. Adam placed his hand on his ass and groaned pitifully,

“Finns are crazy” He declared.

Nea and Sauli exchanged a mischievous look once again.

"Oh, you don’t know half of it yet” Nea smiled.

 

 

~*~

 

Nea was right about it. He did not know half of it. 

They took Adam tobogganing in Hyvinkää, then they had snowball fights and the teams were Adam and Sauli vs. Nea and Sauli’s other good friend Niko, and his girlfriend. 

After the first time Adam got snow under his jacket, he was ready to call it quits. But when Sauli had removed the melting snow from his back with his hands, he agreed to continue.

In the evening they said goodbyes to Nea, Niko and the girlfriend. Adam said he felt like they actually liked him and he most likely passed Nea's 'test'. Even if he somehow wouldn't have, Sauli has told his friends that Adam is in his life whether they liked him or not. 

As long as Adam treats his friends with respect, and they still wouldn't accept him for some crazy reason, Sauli wouldn't care. 

He told it to Adam again while sitting in front of the fireplace in Sauli’s old home, both Sauli and Adam had to admit it felt a lot more comfortable than the coldness outside. While Sauli enjoys crazy winter activities every now and then, Adam's not so fond of it and that's okay. 

This is what Sauli prefers anyway. The warmth. Both from the fireplace and Adam.

"Your hands are so cold" Sauli said while keeping Adam's right hand between his, "Hope you didn't get an awful picture of Finland's winter"

"No" Adam chuckled, "I had fun. My ass is probably bruised but that's okay. I live"

Sauli smiled and snuggled closer to Adam, pulling the blanket tighter over their shoulders.

"I still feel chilly. _Me_ " 

"Aww. Then we need to warm you up" Adam cooed and wrapped his arms around Sauli, lowering them on the fluffy carpet. Sauli had mixed feelings of lying on top of Adam in his dad's living room but the warmth was luring him ever so sweetly. 

"I know a warm place for my fingers" Sauli smirked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Oh really? Where might that be?" Adam asked, voice a low murmur.

Sauli slid his hands underneath Adam's shirt, his fingers running over the waistband of his pants but he ended up just resting them on his sides. 

"Don't think I dare to do anything else since my family is here" Sauli smiled, stroking the skin beneath his palms, "Except this" he added softly, leaning in and captured Adam's lips into a tasty, sweet kiss.

The sound of Sauli's mom talking made them jump. Sauli pulled away instantly, cheeks burning red. It's unusual for him to blush but getting caught red-handed to his own mom surely worked.

Adam pushed himself up to a sitting position as soon as Sauli moved off of him.

" _Sorry. I just wanted to say it’s good to have you back for a while. And it’s good to see Adam too. There’s some food left in the fridge. You can warm it up and eat if you want to. I'll go to sleep now_ ”

" _Thanks, mom. Nighty-night_ ” Sauli said and smiled at her, watching her leave.

“What did she say?” Adam asked, clearly surprised when Sauli pushed him back down on the carpet. 

“Nothing special” Sauli said and got back into the kiss with Adam, “But now I'm hungry for you”

Adam smirked, wrapping his arms around Sauli’s waist. Somewhere behind that smirk there was uncertainity, nervousness most likely, like he couldn’t shake away the feeling of somebody suddenly storming in again.

“They’re all sleeping. No one will come here" Sauli convinced and slid his hands back under Adam’s shirt, “But I gotta agree my old room would be a better option. We can lock it”

 

It didn’t take that long until they were in the bed, Adam thrusting violently into Sauli while Sauli’s legs were tightly wrapped around his waist, hands roaming all over Adam’s body, trying to touch as much skin as he possibly could. 

They had to pull the bed further away from wall to keep the headboard from banging against it and waking up everyone inside the house. And thankfully the bed was on top of a carpet or it'd creak nastily against the bare, wooden floor. 

Adam’s hand was pressed over Sauli’s mouth to mute his desperate whimpers and moans. At first Sauli had wanted to kiss him while they're on it but turns out keeping quiet after being free to make as much noise as they felt like making, was relatively hard. 

The kiss wasn't enough to mute them, even if they were just quiet groans. The walls were thin and Sauli wanted to take zero risks when it comes to his family hearing him having sex. And Adam was definitely on the same page.

There was something so utterly passionate in their sex now. Of course it’s always passionate, but the fight against the moans and gasps made it that much more intense. Add all that to a new enviroment, successful day outside in the winter weather and those sweet minutes in front of the fireplace.

Sauli wanted to tell Adam how freaking hot he looked. How sexy he was fucking him so hard and keeping him quiet with his hand, and how the sweat drops on his face and neck glistened beautifully.

Adam slipped his other hand between them and started stroking Sauli fast and _so_ good Sauli had to really fight so he wouldn't moan out loud.

He came hard between them, his cum splattering high up on his chest as his body convulsed strongly. His muscles contracted, squeezing Adam’s cock.

Sauli knew that face on Adam. His face was tensed and his thrusts were erratic; he knew Adam was getting close.

He even shuddered, the tiniest moan escaping as his mouth went slack when he came, the pleasure running through his body like a fire. 

His hand dropped from Sauli’s mouth and he collapsed on top of his sticky body. Sauli wrapped his arms around him and breathed in deep, nosing the side of Adam's neck.

"I love how you tremble after an intense orgasm but,,, Everything okay?" He asked whispering, stroking Adam’s back. Sometimes he fears too enthusiastic physical activity can trigger Adam's health in a bad way. 

“I’m fine" Adam panted, "That was just so- wow. That was-“

“Abso-fucking-lutely the best sex we've had in a while” Sauli finished, panting as well, but still managed to chuckle.

Adam agreed and started to pull out.

“Hold onto the condom” Sauli reminded gently.

Adam grabbed the end of the condom and pulled away, rolling it off his twitching cock. Sauli reached for the nightstand and grabbed a tissue so Adam could wrap the condom inside of it and toss it in the trash can.

After disposing it, Adam wiped Sauli’s abdomen with a clean tissue and slumped on the bed next to him.

Sauli cuddled up to him and kissed his nipple.

“Rakas” Sauli said, kissing Adam’s cheek as well.

“You too” Adam smiled.

 

~*~

 

In the morning Sauli woke Adam up with a gentle kiss on the lips. 

“Merry Christmas, baby” He whispered.

Adam smiled tiredly and slowly opened his eyes. Sauli can’t understand how his eyes are always so beautiful, even when he has just woken up and the drowsyness is so clear in them.

“Merry Christmas” Adam smiled, stretching his arms, “What shall we do today?”

Sauli straddled his body and kissed the tip of his nose.

“Something that we do every year in here. Traditions. You’ll see”

“Do we go to the dark steamy room all naked and beat each other with branches?” Adam asked in a playfully serious tone which made Sauli snicker. Well, that's a one way to express it. 

“Is that what they’ve told you?" he asked Adam, chuckling, "I promise, it’s much more pleasant than what it sounds like. But no branches for you, I promise” Sauli said, cupping Adam's cheeks and proceeded to a long, affectionate kiss. Long morning kisses aren't always their cup of tea for various reasons but this morning it felt surprisingly pleasant and wonderful. 

It could be the spirit of Christmas. 

"Oh, Santa’s hot line is live on TV the whole morning” Sauli said in the kiss and it made Adam pull away with an amused frown. 

"What is?”

"Santa's hot line! Kids can call Santa and tell him stories and sing to him and what not" Sauli said and got up from the bed, reaching out to grab a fresh pair of underwear from his luggage and pulled them on. Adam was way slower with his moves in the morning. 

For him, it's a process to slither down from the bed. He stretches, grabs his phone and stays in bed for another 10 minutes, sits up only to fall back down and grab his phone for another 5 minutes. Sometimes Sauli manages to take a walk with Fluffie before even one of Adam's feet has touched the ground. 

He's lucky if they get to work on time if they have the same schedule. So free days are "worse", much worse. 

"Get your butt off the bed and we can have breakfast. Then we can start celebrating Christmas in my way" Sauli said and pulled on a comfy, christmassy sweater, and a pair of comfortable jeans. 

"In a minute" Adam murmured, slowly pushing himself up. 

It took a great while before they had breakfast. But after that the day was full of activities and _food_ , needless to say it made Adam feel a little stressed out. He had a dieting plan he had to follow. 

He could eat most of the foods which were served but the schedule was important to follow to avoid further problems with his digestion. 

In the afternoon there was some time for chatting. Sauli and his sisters had a lot to talk about but the general hanging out made Adam feel a little outsider though, since he didn’t understand any of the conversations which were going on.

But even then, Sauli made sure not to neglect him in any way. He had his hand on Adam’s thigh all the time, just a small, affectionate touch but it clearly made Adam feel a lot more comfortable.

When Sauli’s sisters went to the kitchen to help their mom, Sauli turned his attention to Adam,

"You bored?"

Adam shook his head.

“It’s okay to admit it. I’d be bored too” Sauli said with a smile and took Adam’s hand, squeezing it a little, “We can go to sauna soon. I suggested we go first since it’s new to you and it won't be that hot then”

Adam nodded, attempting a smile.

“You seem almost excited” Sauli smiled, which made Adam chuckle. Sauli got up from the couch and pulled Adam up as well, smiling at him in a seductive way that is said to go straight into Adam's pants. 

"I forbid you to feel low today in any way" Sauli said, tugging Adam along with him and they discreetly slithered into the bedroom they're sleeping at. 

Sauli locked the door again, just in case. He doesn’t need anyone to storm in while he’s going down on his boyfriend.

Locking the door always means something, Adam knew it too so his head perked immediately. Sauli carefully nudged Adam on the bed and didn’t waste a second to jump on him.

Their lips met in a hasty kiss. Soon Sauli moved his mouth on Adam’s jaw, going down to his neck and pulled the collar of his shirt lower to suck on his collarbone.

"Take this off" He hissed, tugging on the fabric of Adam's shirt. Adam sat up just enough for Sauli to remove his shirt, then lay back down.

Sauli ran his hands down Adam sides to his hips, holding on to them while trailing his lips down his stomach. Adam raised his pelvis when Sauli pulled down his loose jeans. They came off easily which Sauli found almost refreshing after having fought several times with skin tights jeans and leather pants.

"You're gonna blow me in your parents' house?" Adam asked, his voice hoarse.

"Isn't it kinda obvious? If you be nice and quiet" Sauli replied, teasing Adam's cock with his fingertip, running it along the lump in the briefs.

Adam hummed, his hips bucking up against the sensible contact.

Sauli dipped his fingers under the dark grey elastics of Adam's briefs and pulled them down to his ankles. Adam kicked them off his feet.

"Such a temptating sight" Sauli sighed, stroking the insides of Adam's thighs, "Spread your legs"

Adam obeyed, glancing towards the door as if to make sure the door was really locked. 

"Quiet now" Sauli whispered, leaning down to face the hardening flesh. He flicked his tongue around the head for a taste, making Adam hiss and his hips bucked slightly off the bed.

As Sauli looked up at him, he closed his eyes and exhaled, concentrated. He either tried to control not getting hard too soon or he just tried to focus on staying quiet. Sauli wrapped his lips around the head, his hand stroking the still exposed shaft.

Adam dropped his other hand down, holding onto Sauli's head, fingers tangled in his hair. He didn't try to control any of his movements which Sauli appreciated. Though he wouldn't really mind if Adam decided to handle him a little more roughly. 

Adam was not the only one who fought against moans and hums. Sauli really loves getting Adam off, especially with his mouth. There is something about feeling Adam pulse against his tongue and tasting his fluids while he falls apart under the stimulation. 

Sauli pulled off for a few seconds to take a breath but kept stroking the shaft.

Adam opened his eyes to look down and locked a gaze with Sauli who smirked back, smugly. He felt Adam's cock twitch in appreciation. 

Sauli took him back in his mouth, this time letting Adam's cock sink further and further inside to the very back of his throat. Adam bit back a moan when Sauli deep-throated him. 

In the beginning of their relationship, Sauli had promised himself (and Adam) that he'd become the master of deep-throating and he wasn't lying. It took some practise but he was always happy to do so.

It wasn't long until Sauli pulled away. He left the head in his mouth and massaged the pleasure spot underneath with his tongue, knowing how much Adam loves it. Adam's hips flew off the bed, his breath hitching sharply.

"Shh" Sauli hushed, pressing his hips against the bed and kept tonguing the spot, slowly moving to flicker it over the very tip where some precum had pooled. 

Adam had to press his hand against his mouth when Sauli stimulated the tip of his cock; Pressing gentle kisses, rubbing it against his lips and licking it.

Sauli tasted Adam a bit more strongly now and it all but boosted him. He grabbed Adam's legs and threw them over his shoulders, taking the length back into his mouth as far as he could and started sucking in earnest.

Adam grasped the sheets, his knuckles turning white as he clutched them.

"Close" He whispered.

Sauli pulled away, releasing Adam's cock with a wet, obscene pop and looked down at the impressive length. Sauli gave a long lick from Adam's balls to the very tip which made Adam shudder. 

Sauli lapped on the head the way he knew Adam liked it and collected all the moisture on his tongue.

"Please"

"I know, I know" Sauli whispered and wrapped his lips around the head. 

He let Adam thrust his hips in small movements as he sucked him, more precum dribbling into his mouth. Sauli sped up the bobs of his head, showing no signs of a tired jaw though he most definitely had one.

He gently fondled Adam's balls and rubbed the area behind them, trying to aim for his pleasure spot. 

Adam grew tense, his toes curling and his jaw was clenched tightly. The way his balls drew close to his body told Sauli he'd bust any second so he pulled away a little, leaving only the head in his mouth.

It still got him off guard when Adam's cum flooded into his mouth in several short spurts. He pulled away, swallowing it while pumping Adam's shaft to milk every last drop out of him.

Adam slumped on the bed, his legs falling off Sauli's shoulders and his fists loosening the tight grip on the sheets.

Sauli kissed all the cum off his softening and twitching cock before crawling up, planting kisses all the way up to his chest before capturing Adam's mouth to a lazy kiss.

Adam made a incoherent noise. 

"What? It's just you" Sauli smiled, licking his.

"Figured. It just feels weird to taste myself on your tongue" Adam said but Sauli kissed him again. This time Adam hummed happily, pulling Sauli closer. 

"You want too?" He asked, squeezing Sauli's ass to his palms.

"Later. This was mainly for you since you appeared so anxious" Sauli beamed, getting up.

He grabbed Adam's briefs and tossed them to him.

"Dress up. We need to return to other or they'll think we're boning" Sauli said and walked to the mirror to adjust his hair that Adam had eagerly messed up during the act.

Adam slowly started to put his clothes back on, chuckling. He smirked though when he saw the obvious bulge in Sauli's pants. Not the best day to wear loose sweatpants. 

After dressing up he walked to Sauli and hugged his smaller body from behind.

"You know, it doesn't matter how you put your hair because you have a raging hard-on and swollen lips that could fool no one"

Sauli grinned and leaned back against Adam's body.

"Give me an image,,, something that's not sexy"

"Me fucking you? You fucking me with me on my hands and knees? Me on my knees sucking you offf?"

Sauli glared Adam through the mirror,

"You're not playing fair"

Adam chuckled and turned Sauli around and pushed him against the wall next to the mirror.

"I might as well take care of it and not be a selfish dick about it" He said as he sank down onto his knees, "I'll be fast"

 

~*~

Later that day after the sauna and dinner, they were in Sauli's old room again. This time not behind the locked doors but just for a rest after a very fulfilling dinner.

The gentle swooshing of Adam's heart could easily lullaby Sauli to sleep. Or so it has before, but recently when lying with his head on Adam's chest, he has only been able to think about the hospital incident a few weeks back. 

Sauli felt stinging in his eyes again and as he listened to the peaceful, steady pumping. He stroked his hand over Adam's chest and pressed a gentle kiss on the skin, where underneath the surface the heart was still pumping despite of the hardships in the past. 

This one lump of muscle was still keeping Adam alive though he had treated it badly. Probably without even realizing. 

"It's not going to suddenly stop beating" Adam said gently, twirling his fingers in Sauli's curls. 

"I know. But I just want to listen" Sauli whispered. 

Adam has a check-up with his doctor once they get back to the States, just to finally and for all, close away the possibility of Adam having a potential weakened heart muscle due to his eating disorder. Apparently he still has a faint murmur but the doctor said it's nothing to be worried about so he said the check-up can wait until they get back to the States. 

"You can't hear the murmur with a bare ear either" Adam pointed out, "Stop worrying"

"Easier said than done after being sat in a hospital room for hours, eyes clued to your EKG because it didn't seem to settle. It was good, then it changed, then it was good again" Sauli whispered, "I'll never forget that feeling when I thought I'm going to lose you"

No amount of potassium, sodium and what not is going to make him forget that feeling. Even though he knew Adam's electrolyte balances were fixed with iv, he still can never entirely shake off the feeling of fear. 

"I'm sorry you had to go through that" Adam said quietly and his voice had an awful amout of guilty in it which Sauli could not accept, it was not his intention to make Adam feel like it was his fault. Sauli hated how he always lets his own fears take over when it comes to this and completely forgets how Adam might feel about it. 

Sauli sat up, looking down at Adam who surprisingly was looking back at him instead of looking all ashamed and staring at the duvet like he often does when talking about sore subjects. 

"I'm just glad you're still here" Sauli said softly, "And while I've been bit of a health freak after my rehab, despite of my occasional smoking, I still never gave that much thought to caring about the heart" he admitted, amazed how he could have been so ignorant. He knew the bad and good things for the heart but he never stopped to really be grateful about having a healthy, beating heart.

Now he appreciates his own that much more, and Adam's even more than that. 

"I wish there was a way to really show much I appreciate and love this" Sauli said and rested his palm flat on Adam's chest. 

Adam held onto the hand and smiled,

"Well, you gave it a nice exercise session earlier today and last night as well, so. It is said they enjoy those" 

Sauli chuckled, lying back down but this time with his head on the pillow next to Adam's, hand still protectively and affectionately pressed over his heart. 

"You also always do your best to keep my stress, caused by whatever reason, under control. I can assure you you're taking good care of my heart" Adam said softly. 

"I'm glad to hear that" Sauli smiled, leaning close to peck Adam on the lips. A comfortable silence fell over them, continuing for a while before there was a knock on the door. 

"Boys?"

"Oh, my mother learned to knock" Sauli joked, "Come on in"

Sauli's mother opened the door and gave them a gentle smile,

"The presents"

"In a second" Sauli smiled back and she left without further words. After managing to get up from the comfortable spot, they left the room to join others who were already waiting in the living room. They sat on the couch like they always did.

"My present for you is in LA. You get it there, 'kay?" Sauli asked, whispering.

Adam just smiled and nodded. A coo made him look down at his feet where Sauli's nephew was tugging on his pant leg, wobbly as he tried to keep up on his feet. 

He was cooing, almost climbing up Adam's leg. Adam giggled and cooed some non-sense back at him.

"He wants in your arms" Sauli's sister said, smoothly in English.

"I have never held a baby before" Adam said right away, "I'm just going to break him"

"Don't be silly, you won't break him. Just go for it" Sauli encouraged and tapped his thigh.

Adam leaned down and took a hold of the small and fragile body, lifting him up. He became happy right away, smiling at Adam and kicking his legs happily.

"So cute" Adam chuckled, "And so small. Knows nothing about the cruelty of the world"

"True" Sauli agreed, leaning against Adam's side and adored the sight of his nephew, "If I was naive, I'd hope he'd never have to find out"

"Unfortunately that often seems to be inevitable" Adam murmured and gingerly bounced the baby, "But right now he looks very content and happy. Stay that way, mister. No matter what"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's 72 days until Christmas and I already panic about what presents. Sigh.


	17. Ours 1.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lack of attention and affection, moving on etc.

Back at home in Los Angeles after a blissful Christmas in Finland, Sauli’s work phone was full of unread messages, missed calls and voice mails. He got so stressed because of all the work that had piled during his Christmas holidays, he couldn’t do anything but start working on them nearly 24/7.

He felt like drowning in his work. But on a positive note, Adam had some more time to record little demos with his small mixing table in the attic. But after a week or so, Sauli could see how frustrated he was getting by the lack of attention. 

One night Sauli was working on the bed, laptop on his lap. Adam crawled to him, not saying anything; just snuggled against Sauli’s side.

Sauli didn’t mind, he really enjoyed having him in such close proximity. But when Adam closed and grabbed his laptop, placed it on the nightstand and started to kiss Sauli’s neck, whispering all sort of things from being _so_ horny to wanting to get screwed until the point of not being able to walk for a week, into his ear, Sauli gently pushed him away.

"Oh bunny, I really need to work now so I can get these done before due" He said.

Adam sat back on the mattress on his heels and pouted. That damned pout... Don't look straight at it, Sauli reminded himself, it will only make you give in. 

“I have really important things to do now” Sauli said, reaching out to grab his laptop again.

"Something that's been more important than me for days now, huh?” Adam quietly said, small scoff of disbelief escaping his lips, "Well, feel free to spend your night or maybe even the rest of the week with those things” 

He got up from the bed before Sauli could utter another word to point out he never said "more" important. He just has to do them now.

Adam can wait a little longer. Sauli will certainly "do" him as well when he gets most of the stress factors out of the way. He has learned that while sex is one of the best stress reliefs sometimes, it can also go very wrong if your mind keeps wandering elsewhere.

He never meant that his work was more important than Adam, but more of like in  _that_  moment his work was more important than them having sex.

Sauli gave Adam some time to cool down. But when he didn't let Sauli know where he was and what he was doing by 10 p.m., Sauli became a little restless. Maybe he just went to his parents, he thought to himself. 

But at least he could have still let him know. Sauli has learned that ignoring and sulking are Adam's way of seeking attention every once in a while but he also knows the effect it has on Sauli's psyche when he can't reach him in hours. So he usually gives in before night time and comes back to his place or at least lets him know he'll go to his parents. 

Sauli left at least 5 messages, 5 calls and by the midnight he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Adam doesn't reply to his messages nor answer his calls.

All sorts of disturbing thoughts run through Sauli's mind every time he checked his phone and saw no calls or unread messages.

"Where are you?" He mumbled to himself and tossed his phone aside again, running his hand down his face.

 

Sauli snoozed on the couch restlessly. He couldn't go to bed yet and he couldn't catch a proper dream on the couch. Each time he nearly dozed off, Adam's face popped into his mind. 

But then the doorbell rang. He has never felt more relieved by a doorbell before. He stormed up from the couch and went straight to the door, running.

He didn't even look through the beep hole, just opened the door.

"Where the hell have you been?" He asked, little louder than probably necessary.

"Just,,, out there" Adam said quietly, avoiding Sauli's eyes.

The situation reminded the first time ever when Sauli brought Adam home. It was pouring rain and Adam was soaking wet, much likely catching a cold from being in the rain for so long. It was the first time Sauli felt truly bonded with Adam in some strange way. 

Sauli pulled Adam inside by his shirt and hugged him tight, fingers tangled in his wet hair.

"Well, thank God you're here now. I was worried sick"

Sauli pulled away and frowned as he only got a hum for response.

"You still mad at me?"

"No"

As if.

Sauli pulled Adam into the hall and took off his leather jacket, hanging it on the rack. It wasn't soaking wet since it was leather so it possibly dries fast anyway.

"Change into some dry clothes or go straight to bed. I get you some hot tea and take these to the kitchen" Sauli gently and picked up the shopping bags Adam had brought. So apparently he had went to the store to get some groceries, great, but that doesn't explain why he's home so late. 

Sauli took a deep breath, leaning against the kitchen top. His mind was playing tricks on him again and he hated it more than anything. He hated how it made him _doubt_. 

"He probably just saw a friend" He told himself and started putting the groceries in their places, "Yeah, that's what he most likely did"

After he was done with emptying the bags, he made his way upstairs and to the ensuite he could hear voices coming from. Adam was stripped out of his clothes, except for his underwear, and he was sitting on the cold floor looking absolutely miserable. 

The look did nothing to calm Sauli down but he wanted to stay gentle and caring because Adam has most likely felt ignored by him for days. 

"What's wrong?" Sauli asked softly.

Adam just shook his head vigoously, clearly biting back tears.

"I know you" Sauli pointed out, crouching down before Adam's feet, "What's going on?"

Adam let out a long, heavy breath.

"Just... I remembered again why I hated school so bad and why did I hate myself for so long" 

"What happened?" Sauli asked, sitting down next to Adam. 

"I saw some people... From high school. They're nothing but just some cocky, egoistic idiots yet they always manage to get a grip on me" Adam explained, "And the worst thing was that they knew... They _knew_ I had bulimia even back at high school. They turned it into a big joke. God, it was so humiliating"

Adam sighed, huggin his knees to his chest and let his head drop against them. He mumbled something along the lines of 'I can't shake it off my head' but Sauli couldn't be sure. 

Sauli would already gladly punch each individual in that group and wouldn't even feel bad about doing so. Being an ass is one thing but being an ass that makes fun of people's eating disorders is a whole another level.

"The 'main' guy's girlfriend stepped in and stood up for me" Adam added, raising his head, "She dumped him. In front of me and the rest of the gang. I laughed"

Sauli snorted. Of course he laughed. The dude got the smallest taste of humiliation and he deserved it big time. 

"It was kinda funny actually. How me, this 6'1" guy couldn't intimidate them at all but this small girl who's probably barely 5'0" made them all walk away, tail tucked between their legs"

"Did you know her?" Sauli asked. 

Adam shook his head,

"No. I knew she was in the same drama class as me before I quit school and her name is Alisan but nothing more. She staid with me after the incident and we talked about music, theathre, fashion... What not. That's why I took so long and I'm sorry I didn't call"

Sauli could lecture him about how he should never, ever do it again because he was seconds away from losing his damn mind. But instead of that, he let his head drop on Adam's shoulder for a moment, a wordless acception of the apology. 

"I'm gonna see her again tomorrow for a coffee. I can stay out of your way while you're doing your work" Adam said quietly.

Sauli cringed at how brutal the words suddenly sounded. 

"This is unfortunately my life sometimes" He said dimly, "Sometimes work just gets piled up and I have no choice but to do them" 

"I know. I wish my self-esteem and me feeling important and cared wouldn't depend so much on your attention" 

An unsolved puzzle just solved itself in Sauli's mind. Anybody would feel bad it they're constantly ignored but now that he looks at it, he didn't exactly ignore Adam. He did lay on his chest when he wrote reports and Sauli even plaid with his hair while making notes. 

But he wasn't the primary subject of his attention. And it was enough to make him feel un-important. 

"I still love you just as much and you're still just as important as before" Sauli pointed out, "I promise that once we get up from this cold floor and you'll drink the tea I left on your nightstand, I'm gonna put all my files aside right away and we can do whatever you please for tonight"

"Cuddle" Adam said, almost longingly, "No distractions. Just us"

"Deal"

~*~

The next morning Sauli felt empowered. He should have known earlier that taking even a small break from all the projects to spoon his boyfriend while talking about their days could do so much.

"Morning beautiful" Sauli smiled, stepping inside the dining room where Adam was already drinking his morning coffee, and kissed the top of his head.

"Morning" Adam replied, allowing Sauli to peck him on the lips too. 

"Anything special planned for the New Year's Eve?" Sauli asked from the kitchen while he was pouring himself a cup of coffee. 

"What would I have planned?" Adam asked, and Sauli could imagine him cocking his eyebrows like the possibility of him having any social life was out of the question. It was not, Sauli has noted lately, he has made some close friends. 

"Okay, if you say so. I was thinking of taking you to a spa on New Year's Eve" Sauli said when he came to the dining area and sat down at the table opposite of Adam, "We'd spend the night in the hotel there" 

"Now you're spoiling me" Adam said with a wicked, crooked smile, and Sauli could tell he was still feeling a little bitter about "being ignored" for so long until last night. This was also the first time in a week when they were having a breakfast together. 

"Well, better late than never, right?" Sauli asked rhetorically. 

"I know you were busy and stressed about the piled work" Adam said, finishing his coffee and got up from his chair, pecking Sauli on his temple as he passed him, "At least you gave me some cuddles so I'm good"

Cuddles. 

Sauli bit his lip as he watched Adam's ass in those tight black briefs and not to even mention that package... Well, it has certainly been too long since the last time they slept together. 

His morning wood is even more prominent now. He followed Adam to the kitchen and stepped right behind him when Adam was rinsing his mug.

Adam turned around and was taken by a surprise when Sauli was standing so close, almost on his toes.

"Hello there. Warn me next time" He chuckled. 

"I like surprising you" Sauli beamed, firmly cupping Adam through his underwear.

"Oh, now you want it" Adam murmured. 

"Stop with your nows" Sauli hissed jokingly, gently squeezing. Adam's face grew even more snug and he rolled his hips, pushing his dick into Sauli's hand more firmly. His breath brushed Sauli's lips and Sauli closed his eyes in bliss, opening his mouth, waiting for the kiss that never came.

"I promised Alisan to see her at 11 and before that I have things to do. After that I'll march to the principle's office and let him know I want to graduate high school"

So much determination and even that was enough to turn him on some more. But Adam pushed his hand off, grinning wickedly.

Sauli was left with his mouth hanging open,

"First, I'm so proud of you. Second, I'm so glad you're making friends. Third,,, I'm so horny"

The last one came out way more whiny than he intended. If anything, his tone must have been a huge turn off. Adam smiled, touching Sauli's arm in somewhat seductively,

"Well, if you're still horny after you come back from work..." 

He didn't even finish. He didn't need to. It still got Sauli following him like a puppy upstairs,

"I'm pretty sure I'll be" He said as he watched Adam put on a loose tank top and a pair of sweats.

Adam grinned, "I'll look forward to that. Now I need to kick my digestive system going and take a little walk"

Sauli wanted to say he has gotten the point and Adam can now stop teasing him and they could just screw. But it's true that Adam needs his daily walk to help his digestion. 

So Sauli just nodded, 

"Have you already tried the pilates?" Sauli asked and Adam gave him a knowing face which made Sauli feel like an exposed page of a book. 

It's both pleasurable and a very vulnerable feeling. Not necessarily when talking about exercising but it still leaves you with this feeling of someone knowing you so well they could as well read you like a book.

"You only want me to do pilates because it strengthens my muscles meaning makes my ass fuller and my pelvic floor stronger?"

Sauli laughed, shaking his head. He walked closer to Adam and grabbed his butt, 

"I wouldn't change this one bit. It's already perfect" He said, swatting the cheek just hard enough to make a sound, "But one of the nurses we talked to suggested it, remember? As a balance to cardio. It really does wonders to the body"

"I'll keep that in mind" Adam said with a wink, stepping away, causing Sauli's hand to fall from his ass. 

"You could try ice skating some more" Sauli winked, knowing very well how much Adam loathed it the last time. He could grow to like it the more practise he'd get.

Adam shook his head as no, giving him a deathly glare. 

"I think I just take a jog today" Adam said while he plugged his earphones to his Ipod, "You come with me?"

"I still have plenty of work to do so I'll head to the office as soon as I can. I'll probably get them done today. Finally" Sauli sighed.

Adam nodded, putting his Ipod into his pocket after turning the music on.

"Okay. See you later then" He smiled, pecking Sauli loudly on the lips.

"Bye" Sauli smiled after he pulled away.

After Adam left, Sauli glanced at Fluffie who was shaking his tail at him.

"What?"

Fluffie whined.

"He didn't take you with him, huh? Guess I’ll take you out before I go then”

~*~ 

Later the day they were both at home, relaxing and hanging out together. Finally without anything stressful that's related to work or anything else. Adam had went shopping with Alisan after his visit at the school, buying some nice new clothes and accessories for himself with his latest salary and was now presenting the stuff for Sauli.

Sauli enjoyed watching him from the bed, being all enthusiastic about his new stuff, surrounded by the pillows so he wouldn't have to sit on the hard floor.

Adam pulled something long and furry out from his shopping bag.

"What exactly is that?" Sauli chuckled, "A goat beard?"

"It's a fox tail!" Adam said in a high-pitched voice, like it should have been obvious, "I can attach it to my belt loop"

Sauli giggled, watching as Adam put it on. After attaching it, Adam turned around to see his backside from the full body mirror.

He smiled, satisfied.

"Okay foxy, what else did you buy?" Sauli asked, grinning.

"Lots of things" Adam beamed, bending back down to reach into his bags. Sauli couldn't resist pulling on the tail. 

"This is handy" He said thoughtfully, "Where do you plan to wear it?"

Adam pulled the tail out of Sauli's hands and swayed his hips once to move it, before crouching down to browse his bags some more.

"Somewhere. Out in the streets, in a party, in bed. Who knows where I end up"

Sauli chuckled, the image of Adam in nothing but a pair of briefs or jockstrap, and that tail, amused him. 

"How about on a big stage entertaining lots of fans?"

Adam went quiet, biting his lip. Sauli noticed how he tensed up so he got down from the bed and sat close to Adam on the floor instead.

"Screaming girls throwing thongs and bras at you while you're driving them crazy?" He asked gently, lightening the tension a bit, “Swaying and thrusting your hips to their faces”

Adam chuckled, daring to turn towards Sauli,

"Stop. Could never happen. Besides, who would ever do that for me?"

Sauli stroked Adam's thigh, slowly up and down just for the sake of being able to and he knows he loves it. 

"Well, I feel a big urge to throw off my own underwear every time I see you so I can't see why others couldn't"

Adam nudged Sauli, snickering. 

"Sad that I don't wear thongs so I can't throw them. Jockstrap okay?"

"Stop talking like that" Adam squeaked, gently hitting Sauli with a pillow that was on the floor next to him. Sauli laughed, taking a firm grip of the very same pillow and pushed it against Adam's head.

Adam gasped,

"Oh yeah? It's fucking on" He groaned, grabbing another pillow from the floor and hit Sauli's stomach with it.

Sauli stood up, laughing, planning to punch Adam with his own pillow again but Adam managed to crawl away just in time. While he prepared to hit, Sauli tried to run away. Adam grabbed him by the ankle and he stumbled on the pillows that still lay on the floor.

"You're not going anywhere" Adam hissed, crawling on top of him and sat on his ass, "I won"

Sauli groaned in defeat. He hates losing. Even if it's to Adam. And even if it's in something playful. He likes to prank, not be pranked. He's trying to work on that. 

"Am I too heavy?" Adam asked, bouncing a little.

"No I just hate losing. Especially in something I'm good at"

"Pillow fights? Poor baby. I promise not to brag about this to anyone" Adam teased and leaned down, sprawling out on top of Sauli's body.

Sauli hummed pleasure, irritation forgotten, feeling blissed by the warmth of Adam's body and his hot breath that was breezing against the back of his neck.

"I don't know do I love anything more than feeling your body so close to mine" He murmured and closed his eyes.

"Like this?" Adam asked as he tentatively ground his hips against his ass.

Sauli groaned, not really surprised Adam decided to take things there. While Sauli mostly meant in general, he doesn't complain. Adan has turned out to be quite a minx.

"You know you're usually kinda strong but now you can't just flip us" Adam beamed, his the smugness in his tone just blasting through, "Or am I making you lose your focus on your strength? You know I could fuck you right here" He said, giving a few quick thrusts against Sauli's ass, "You'd like that?"

"You already won in the pillow fight. I got your point about blue balls already" Sauli murmured against the pillow.

Adam moved off, releasing Sauli's body. Sauli sat up right away and turned around to face his incredibly smug looking boyfriend, a smirk on his face.

"You..." Sauli started, his tone exeggeratedly low, "Deserve a punishment"

"Me?" Adam gasped, "You turned me down a few nights ago when I was feeling so fucking horny. If someone deserves a punishment, it'd be you. You actually should get a double punishment for that"

"Oh baby, I'm so sorry" Sauli cooed, smacking a one loud kiss on Adam's lips. As soon as he pulled away, Adam up and pulled Sauli up on his feet too. He pushed him down on the bed and neither of them could help the smile when Adam straddled Sauli's lap.

Sauli wrapped his arms around Adam's shoulders to pull him as close as possible. Adam chuckled, capturing Sauli's lips to a kiss. The first brush of lips felt like heaven; like all the built up tension was slowly breaking.

Despite of the small pecks they have shared thorough the week, this felt like something different. They knew it was going to lead further.

Yet it didn't take ten seconds until Sauli's phone was ringing once again. Adam kicked the phone down from the nightstand.

"No one and nothing will stop us from having sex now" Adam murmured against Sauli's mouth, then peeked at the floor where the phone has dropped, "I hope I didn't break it"

"I doubt it" Sauli chuckled, "It's been through a lot"

Adam smiled, sitting up on Sauli's hips and grabbed the hem of his own shirt, pulling the piece of clothing off his body. Sauli immediately started to run his hands on Adam's body, going from the waistband of his pants up to his chest.

Adam then lay back down and latched his mouth on Sauli's neck, suckling on his skin. Sauli groaned, gently scratching the skin of Adam's back before he slowly rolled them over.

Sauli dipped his head a bit so he could also kiss Adam's neck while Adam licked and sucked on his.

He felt Adam's hand on his bare side, going down to his hip and finally on top of his ass. Adam squeezed his ass and unlatched his lips from his neck,

"Naked?"

Sauli grinned, brining his head up to look at Adam's heavy eyes,

"Impatient much?"

"A week, Sauli, a week" Adam pointed out with a quiet groan and kept fondling Sauli's ass, bringing his hips off the bed to form some friction.

"Could be a lot worse" Sauli chuckled and sat up, removing his shirt. Could be a month. Or two. Even three. Sauli has been there too. 

He didn't waste any time to scoot lower, nudge Adam's legs apart and settle down comfortably. He brought his hand between Adam's legs and rubbed in slow circles. He felt the heat radiate through the fabric; Adam moving against his touch.

"Please" Adam whispered.

Sauli smiled, quickly working the pants undone and pulled them off Adam's long legs along with his briefs. He bent down, wrapping his lips around the head of his cock and sucked into his cheeks eagerly. Adam plaid with his hair, as he always does, his grip a little stronger than normally.

Sauli pushed his mouth further down and swallowed more of Adam's length into his mouth, bobbing his head up and down rather fast, building up saliva to make the slide more slick.

Adam's head rolled on the mattress and his toes were already curling which tugged on the corners of Sauli's mouth. The obscene slurping of his mouth on Adam's cock sounded oddly hot, even in his own ears.

Sauli's hand came around the shaft, stroking the exposed flesh near the base while his mouth focused on the head. Sauli twisted his fist and fondled his balls, knowing all too well what drove Adam crazy.

When Sauli pulled off with a wet pop, Adam tugged on his hair,

"Up. I wanna get to fuck you before I blow" He croaked.

Sauli obeyed, finished undressing himself and lay on top of Adam's body, lining up their cocks and pushed their mouths together. He thrust his hips to rub their cocks together, happy for all the saliva on Adam's length, and hooked Adam's other leg behind his thighs.

Adam all but whimpered, cliginging onto Sauli's body and willingly opened his mouth, allowing his tongue to enter. Just minutes ago he was being all dominating on Sauli, and now he's whining like a cat in heat, probably willing to do anything Sauli would ask.

Sauli loves that he can make Adam so desperate.

Without breaking the kiss, Sauli reached for the drawer of the nightstand and pulled out a lube. He couldn't find a condom no matter how much he groped around, without breaking the kiss,

"Fuck, hold on" He hissed, moving his body a bit to see inside the drawer and pulled out a condom too.

"Now we're talking" He said and lay on the bed, this time head on the pillows, and pulled Adam on top of him, capturing his lips to an aggressive kiss.

Sauli reached down to squeeze Adam's ass. 

"I can't hold it" Adam gasped then. 

"Huh?"

Suddenly he felt Adam tense for some reason, heard a quiet gasp escape into their kiss and something squirted on his groin and on his thigh which he couldn't mistake about.

"Oh" He whispered, pulling away from the kiss.

"Oh, no" Adam said quietly, his face flaming red as he glanced down between their bodies, "I'm so sorry, I- I couldn't help it, it's been so long. Fuck"

Sauli noticed Adam avoided his eyes. He was embarrassed for a very understandable reason but to Sauli's mind, it wasn't a big deal at all. But he knew no matter how many times he'd say it, it wouldn't help. 

"Oh God, this is so embarrassing" Adam groaned, "I'm sorry"

"Aw honey, it's okay" Sauli sweetly said and tried to get Adam to look at him but he just pressed his head down to the crook of his neck, "It's not a big deal, it happens. It's life"

Adam kept groaning against his skin which was so unnecessary but to be fair, if the situation was reversed, Sauli would be embarrassed too.

"Really, it's okay" Sauli smiled, stroking Adam's back. Finally he brought his hand up to tug on Adam's hair to maybe have him raise his head. He did but he looked so painfully embarrassed and ashamed Sauli wanted to make it all better somehow. He was afraid that he couldn't, though.

"Baby" He smiled, cupping Adam's face between his palms, "It's not that big of a deal"

Adam attempted a smile and raised his body while Sauli reached out to the nightstand to pull out a couple of tissues from the box.

Adam felt mortified when Sauli wiped his own thighs and crotch and where ever on his body Adam had un-intentionally spurted on.

Sauli tossed the dirty tissues to the trash can and pulled Adam back down. He cupped his face again and gave him a gentle smile,

"Are you completely mortified?" He asked.

"If you must know then yes" Adam said, "I did not see that coming"

"Pun intended?"

Adam chuckled, 

"Now that you mentioned it"

"Let's just change the plan a bit then, okay?" Sauli asked and rolled them over, "I can fuck you if you can't fuck me"

"Or you can just give it a moment" Adam suggested. 

"What's a moment?"

"Like 20 minutes. Maybe 15"

Sauli chuckled, 

"Well, I can give it a moment. Or I can fuck you while you recharge and then you can do me" He suggested, "Unless you don't want to"

"Of course I want to" Adam smiled, "Sounds good to me"

~*~ 

The following day Adam finally had his medical check up. Sauli ended his day at work early and picked Adam up from the hospital so they could head home.

"So it was all good?" Sauli asked again though Adam had already said it. They were nestled on the couch, the radio playing quietly in the background. 

"Yeah. A _very_ faint murmur, he called it an innocent heart murmur" Adam explained once again, "The symptoms I had before were due to electrolyte imbalances and some shit, I didn't even understand half what he was saying"

"Mm" 

"But he said if I start feeling abnormal fatigue or dizziness or shortness of breath or anything like that at all, at any point, I should see a doctor just in case" Adam continued, scratching Fluffie behind his ears. 

Sauli felt relieved that everything was fine for now, nothing he should be worrying about. An innocent heart murmur sounds harmless enough, even to his own mind. 

But Adam didn't look as light-hearted as he was which worried him. Wouldn't be the first time he's keeping things from him.

"Are you telling me the truth?" Sauli asked, his tone more serious, "Or are you just trying to protect me from something?"

At that Adam burst into unexplained tears, jolting up from Sauli's chest and hid his face like it still somehow embarrassed him to show true emotions in front of Sauli.

"Okay, now you're scaring me" Sauli said with a frown, sitting up and soothingly rubbed Adam's shoulder, "What's up?"

"Everything's alright" Adam said, dropping his hands down to his lap, "I-I never had courage to plan out my future or have dreams because I was certain I will die before I turn 20"

"Oh, baby. I didn't know you saw things that way" Sauli whispered, bringing both of his hands on Adam's shoulder to gently rub them. 

"I told him about it... He gave me his weird grin and said he's pretty sure I'm still kicking at 80" Adam added with a chuckle Sauli didn't know how to read. But he noticed Adam wasn't exactly tensed anymore, he was relaxed, so he assumed it was a genuine chuckle. 

Like relieving the built up anxiety. 

"My first thought when I was walking out was that I'm about to turn 18 and I want to get out my parents' corners as soon as I can. Move out officially. Finish school, start singing, go to places" Adam listed, a smile on his face but there were still tears running down his cheeks, "So much to do in just one lifetime. I always knew life was fragile but never really had energy to care"

Sauli pressed his cheek against Adam's shoulder blade and wrapped his arms around his waist. He felt so happy that Adam has realized his life is unique and he only has one.

But mostly, he has found some will to go on and be enthusiastic what's about to come rather than be afraid of it.

"I saw small children there in the cardio unit. Transplants, breathing machines, stenosis... What is this world trying to prove by giving them hard time and giving me a second chance? It's just bragging, I'd say" Adam said dimly and tapped his heart, "I'm lucky I have a heart that's still functioning. And lungs I can breathe with. I can walk on the balcony and breathe in the fresh air of the dawn,,, not everyone can"

"You're right" Sauli agreed, "It's not for granted" 

Adam turned around, locking eyes with Sauli,

"I want to share a life with you" He said then, making Sauli's own heart skip a beat, "In more ways than just one. Only if you want to, of course"

"Of course" Sauli said, obviously, "I wanna share everything with you"

"I'm not saying you have to let me move in here, but... I want something that's _ours_. It doesn't have to be anything huge, I just want to see something in your home that I am part of"

Adam's part of everything, if Sauli's being honest. Even when Sauli wakes up alone, he can smell Adam from his sheets. He sees his toothbrush in the bathroom. Finds his clothes under the couch.

But he understood what Adam was saying.

"Well... I've been meaning to change my bed to a new one anyway"

 

And that's what they decided to do; to get a bed that's theirs. 

Adam fell in love with a queen sized platform bed while Sauli rooted for a regular king size. He wasn't so fond of the platform because he had had one for so long. Time for a change, in his opinion.

"We're miles apart in that one!" Adam protested when Sauli fell on the bed which he had chosen to be his favorite, "There's a whole universe between us"

Sauli rolled his eyes. As if Adam didn't roll away from him just last night because "it was hot", and nearly fall out of the bed because of it. A little more room would give them both some space when needed.

"Nobody stops us from spooning whenever we want" He pointed out. 

"Okay, you win" Adam pouted and sat on the bed as well. 

"No" Sauli said right away and bounced up, "It was your idea to get something that's ours. Not yours or mine but _ours_. Therefore I am letting neither of us walk out of this store until we're both happy with what we chose"

"But it's just a bed, I can get used to this one" Adam said, running his hand along the mattress. 

"It's not 'just' a bed. We spent like a third of our lives in there, and knowing you and me, probably more. Don't forget that beds can create fond memories" Sauli pointed out with a smile. 

When Adam turned his head to look at him, Sauli continued;

"In my current bed, we had sex for the first time. I also told you I loved you for the first time while sitting on that bed"

And those two are on the top of the list, at least for Sauli. While the bed wasn't really a big factor in neither, it was still there when the memories were made. 

"That's true" Adam smiled.

"And on that bed you saw me suffering from a hangover for the first time and had way more fun with that than necessary" Sauli said, making Adam chuckle. He got up from the mattress and pulled Adam up as well, tugging him along as they continued to browse more options. 

"We'll find the one that speaks to us both"

And they did. It was California King.

Adam sat on the bed, humming approvingly as he bounced a little on the mattress. 

"Is it good?" Sauli asked, sitting on the mattress as well.

"Yeah. In my opinion, at least"

"It is" Sauli agreed, "And it looks strong built"

Adam gave Sauli a look,

"Are you telling me our bed needs to be 'strong built' or it wouldn't be able to handle us?" 

Sauli smirked,

"Well, don’t you agree?"

Adam's face turned to a smirk,

"You know us"

"No. We know us"

And boy do they know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously apologize this tine. Seems so half-arsed but I did work on this a lot lol


	18. My one and only, my lifeline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New Year's Eve and the beginning of Adam's birthday.

"You have to stop spoiling me with luxury. I might grow used to it" Adam said with a wink when they stepped inside their hotel suite at the spa hotel. 

Sauli chuckled, letting his suitcase down on the floor next to the bed. Well, Adam can pay him back once he becomes that famous rockstar he aspires to become... He won't admit it, but Sauli knows it. 

Adam sat on the bed and felt the mattress,

“Bouncy” He said, "Almost too soft"

“Careful not to thrust so hard I'll sink into the mattress and won’t be able to find my way out” Sauli said and hopped on the bed as well. It indeed was almost too soft for his liking. And not just for the sex' sake but for his joints' sake too.

“I’m not  _that_  rough” Adam said half seriously yet there was a small smile playing on his lips. Sauli could disagree with that, to be honest. There has been times when he has struggled to walk straight the day after their sex but in a twisted way he enjoys that. 

However, everyone at work always know they've smashed when that happens. That tends to make things awkward. 

Most of the time they play it a bit more easily though, to avoid any serious injuries. 

"Let’s forget that time in Finland when the bed legs left marks on the floor because it moved so much” Sauli pointed out.

Adam covered half of his face with the back of his hand and chuckled. No matter how incredibly confident he feels in Sauli’s company, Sauli always manages to make him blush even a little. Sauli still finds it incredibly cute.

"Lucky we gave my old bed to charity. Poor thing has went through a lot so it must be thankful. Our new one on the other hand,,, It should be on its guard when we come back home” Sauli murmured, brushing the tip of Adam's nose with a fingertip, "Right, bunny rabbit?"

"You are the one that always keeps moaning for me to go harder” Adam pointed out.

“Guilty” Sauli beamed, getting up before he’d get too horny to enjoy the spa at all tonight. Adam got up too with a grin on his face and walked to the window to see the view. 

“You really have to stop the spoiling” He said once again, "A view like this in a place like this must have cost a fortune"

"Oh, hush you. Let's make a deal; when you'll be the famous rockstar, you'll buy me a dinner" Sauli smiled and presseed himself against Adam's back, wrapping his arms around his body. 

"How are you so confident that'll happen?" Adam asked, blankly staring ahead and out of the window while Sauli ran his hands on his abdomen, "I already told Tommy that could never happen because I'm-"

"Because you're gay?" Sauli asked, "And to borrow your words, look twelve without make-up? Not skinny enough or have tight abs?"

"Something like that..." Adam mumbled, glancing down at his stomach where Sauli's fingers were laced together. Sauli saw the red flag flash in his mind and a part of him wanted to change the subject right away.

The psychiatric nurses had suggested they wouldn't talk about eating or ideal bodies at least as long as Adam is in the rehab program. They didn't entirely forbid it, they just said it might feel like a danger zone.

Sauli pursed out his lips and pressed his forehead against the back of Adam’s neck.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. It's so funny you believe all the rubbish the media says about you but you don't believe me when I say you're perfect. Why it is so hard to believe positive things?"

Adam sighed,

"I dunno"

Sauli kissed the back of his neck and slipped his hand under the fabric of Adam's shirt, giving a loving rub to his tummy. It no longer made Adam want to squirm away so that's a win.

"We can discuss this if you want but we can also not. We have other things to do as well" He smiled and made Adam turn around in his hold. He loved how Adam smiled at him instead of looking all gloomy and full of self-loathe. 

"Really, like what?"

Regardless of not being entirely comfortable in his body yet, this was the first time Sauli saw him being okay with that instead of letting it control his whole life. He looked... Happy even. 

Even if it's a long shot but that's what he looked like. It was in the eyes, the soft gleam that, in a way, gives him in. Sauli doesn't believe he ever even saw it in them so he didn't even expect it to be there. 

Adam's face changed the tiniest bit and he tipped his head,

"Drowning?"

"Always" Sauli smiled dreamily, "What were we talking about?"

Adam chuckled,

"Having something else to do than wallowing in miserable things like poor body image?"

"Right" Sauli said and softly brought his hands to rest on Adam's hips, looking up into his eyes when he talked, "Massages, hot tubs, facials... Everything you can think of. Happy endings _not_ included except by me"

"I'm all good with that" Adam grinned, holding onto Sauli's elbows, "You give the best happy endings anyway"

"I know" Sauli murmured, "I got us a private area with a small pool and a hot tub. We can order in a treatment whenever we feel like it" he said, rubbing the sharper points of Adam's hipbones with his thumbs. 

"Sounds good. Shall we go now?" 

Sauli nodded, stealing a brief, sweet kiss before pulling away. They changed into swim trunks and put on bathrobes, then made their way down where Sauli had booked a private bathing area for them. 

They slid into the large tub and reached for the berries and grapes Sauli had ordered. He would have loved to get champagne but since Adam is underage, he didn't take the risk. 

He dipped a strawberry in white chocolate,

"Open up" He smiled, bringing it on Adam's awaiting lips. After Adam had taken a bite, Sauli ate the rest of it.

"You make us look like a freshly married couple" Adam teased.

"I can't really help it, you make me this way" Sauli confessed, kissing Adam on the cheek for a couple of times more. Adam giggled, escaping the contact and turned his lips towards him instead.

Sauli obviously didn't mind, he captured Adam's lips more than happily. As he kissed him, Adam pushed in with more force, making Sauli giggle into the kiss.

"You little minx" Sauli chuckled, gently pushing Adam off of him, "The point was to relax"

"Yeah? I do feel pretty stiff to be honest" Adam said non-chalantly, seductively tugging on Sauli's lower lip, "Maybe you should rub a bit..."

"Who said I'm a bad influence on you? I think it's the opposite" Sauli said, his voice also a low murmur and he tipped his head to press a tentative kiss on Adam's neck. 

Adam grabbed the back of Sauli's head like he was commanding him not to stop and Sauli found it such a massive turn on. 

Whether Adam him to or not, Sauli let his mouth slide off the skin. Adam's quiet groan of protest made Sauli chuckle and he brought his head back up, framing Adam's face between his palms. 

"Though I love your eagerness, we have time for this later" He said gently and discreetly glanced down at Adam's lap but the water and bubbles made it much harder to see but he knew he was already hard. 

Knowing Adam still feels rejected easily, Sauli pecked him on the lips once more,

"I love you, bunny" he said with a smile, "You can last until we get back to our room?"

"Hey!" Adam squaked, accompanied by amused chuckles, and pulled away, "Now you're underestimating me a little"

"I didn't mean it like that" Sauli chuckled, "Just in general"

"Having a hard time keeping up?" Adam joked and Sauli wanted to kiss that mischievous smirk right off his face. 

"You wish" Sauli murmured, "You know, I was like thirteen when I had my first French kiss" 

"Am I supposed to be impressed?" 

"No!" Sauli chuckled, "I'm just amazed by how everything feels so different now" 

"Not so much of a turn on as back then?" 

"Vice versa" Sauli said with a gasp of disbelief, "The first brush of lips make me want to eat you right up. Yet it's... I don't know, I just feel so much better in all ways. I'm not nervous like back then, I'm not selfish and I'm not that unsure of myself. I feel confident, I crave to see you feel pleasure and I just enjoy every second even if everything doesn't go perfectly. Back then it was a nightmare"

He doesn't know why he's saying all this now. It just came into his mind now for some reason. Well, he knew _why_ it was on his mind but didn't know why he had to start blabbering about it now.

"Maybe you've just grown up" Adam said.

"Most likely" Sauli quietly said, looking at Adam in the eyes, "Of course I was nervous to be the one you lost your virginity to and I was afraid I might not be good enough... But I'm not anymore because I know you and you know me. The sex is not an achievement I go brag about like I wanted to do when I was younger"

"I bragged to Alisan" Adam whispered dramatically like it was some huge secret he wasn't supposed to tell anyone, "I told her we did it five times in one night"

Sauli snickered. To be honest, that particular night was something he'd also "brag" about if he wanted to do it in the first place. 

"Shame on you" Sauli hissed. 

"I know right"

"Anyway, I- My point was... And I know I've told you this before for like a million time but I feel like I can't sress it enough- I just can't believe you're mine"

He's really blabbering. Again. Nearly stuttering like Adam always used to do. 

"And it hit me even harder just yesterday when I was in the store, browsing through the latest Fault in my undercover disguise as if I couldn't just read it at work in my own peace"

"You were wearing the fake mustache and the black stetson?" Adam asked with a chuckle. 

Sauli nodded. 

"Makes me unrecognizable" He winked, "Anyway, your picture was on the newest Seventeen magazine"

"Oh my god, am I on a teenage girl magazine?" Adam asked with exaggerated amount of mockery and wrinkled his nose. 

"Well, it's better than a tabloid. Besides, you're a teen yourself" Sauli defended to which Adam nodded his head to the right, as if to say 'you got a point', "I saw it because two girls were looking at it. They were maybe like 19, couldn't really tell. They kept pointing at the photos going 'oh my god, look at his hair, it's so fluffy', 'what about his eyes?! They're so wild and beautiful' 'oh my god, his smile"

Sauli decided to cut out the part where they said something about Adam's 'impressive' package. While Adam most likely knows that happens from time to time, it still wasn't the point Sauli wanted to bring across. 

"Then one of them said to the other 'Imagine that there is someone out there who can kiss those lips and call him theirs'" Sauli said, his voice reaching a lower pitch by the end of the sentence. Adam then grew more alert to what he was saying to him. 

"It hit me that there could be hundreds, if not thousands, of people looking at your photos by now. Just,,, daydreaming away. It made me feel like one in a million, and not in the good kind of way. The kind of way that makes you feel small" Sauli explained and stared ahead, "That makes you realize you're just another human being with nothing special to offer"

"But-"

"I may have a successful company" Sauli continued, interrupting Adam before he could say a thing, "I may have money. But at the end of the day I'm just another human being, trying his best to figure shit out every single day"

He tries to figure out what to do if he for some reason goes to bankruptcy. Tries to figure out how to handle his anxiety during bad times without stronger medication because there's too much of a risk to get addicted again. Tries to figure out what he would do if he lost a loved one, had a feud with his best friend or if he, no matter how hard he tried, couldn't meet up with all expectations. 

"For the first time ever since I met you, I felt insecure and unsure of myself. I begun to fear that there is going to be someone that's going to take you away from me" Sauli explained, feeling a sharp sting in his eyes which he tried his best to ignore, "Now that I'm no longer afraid it's going to be an illness, I'm afraid it's going to be another person. Someone taller than me, someone prettier than me. Someone who has more time to be around you" 

He never saw himself falling back into the black pit where he believed he was nothing when everybody else was something. Only now the difference was that he only fell in there and he was already climbing up by telling about his feelings to Adam who ever so patiently listened to him. 

"Someone who can play the piano when you sing with your beautiful voice while I can't even tell a difference between a piano and grand piano" he added, dramatically throwing his hand in the air. 

He took several deep breaths which must have sounded like pants because Adam's soothing hand came on his shoulder and Sauli heard his hushing. 

"To be quite honest, barely can I" Adam said then, encouraging Sauli to look back up. He saw a small, gentle smile on Adam's face, "I wish there was one word I could say and your uncertainity and what not would just magically disappear but I'm afraid it doesn't quite go that way"

Sauli gazed at Adam and had an odd sense of feeling understood. It doesn't happen too often when he's talking about things that make him anxious. 

"In a way I'm glad you feel this way because it's the closest to what I used to feel every day when you and I got together" Adam said, "You say you have nothing special to offer. You _love_ me. Ain't that special enough?"

"You tell me" Sauli smiled weakly. 

"Well, it has definitely gotten me this far" Adam said quietly, "I think you and I both know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you"

Sauli would like to deny that but somewhere deep inside he knows it's true. And it breaks his heart. 

"Look, I don't give a crap about how many people might want me. I used to _crave_ someone, anybody, to want me. Just so I could feel desirable and sexy and everything between. Ironic that now when there are a few, it doesn't affect me in any way" Adam said, and Sauli recognized a whole another level of confidence from his voice. It was a beautiful thing to listen to. 

If not the most beautiful. 

"The only one that matters is you" Adam added.

"When did you get so mature?" Sauli managed to ask regardless of the lump in his throat. 

"I learn from the best" Adam smiled, "I love you"

"And I love you" Sauli replied, pushing their lips together for a kiss. A kiss he devoured like no other.

~*~

"Don't you wish to be with your friends?" Adam asked when they sat on the balcony of their suite. It was almost midnight and there will be fireworks.

"You think I would have booked us this spa hotel if I didn't want to be here?" Sauli asked, taking a sip of his champagne, "There will always be another New Year's Eve that I can spend with them. Preferably with both - You and them"

The more time has passed, the more likely it sounds. There was a time when he couldn't fit his friends and Adam in the same room when he so much wanted to gather his favorite people together. Not because they wouldn't get along, they would, even Brian if he had to, but Adam never wanted to. He always felt like interfering something, he felt disliked and frowned upon, and most of all, he felt vulnerable under that many eyes.

Even when no one was paying attention to things he so deeply was concerned about. No one but himself. 

But now after he has made some progress not only with his rehabilitation but his entire mindset, the thought doesn't seem so far-fetched. Adam's birthday party that Sauli and his group of friends at the company has been planning, will definitely be the first but certainly not the last occasion where they'll be all together _and_ they'll all have fun.

"Possibly" Adam said. 

Sauli checked the clock from his phone. He had found a website that counts the official time until the New Year. 

"One minute" He informed, putting his empty glass aside on the table, "One minute until endless possibilities, new starts..."

As cliche as it sounds yet it always seems like the perfect time to sweep certain things under the rug and start from the beginning. Ask for another chance no matter have you wasted one or twenty. 

"I got my brand new start and endless possibilities when I found out there was nothing severly wrong with my heart" Adam said quietly, "So I don't know what to look for from new year"

"Actions" Sauli whispered instantly, "To make the new start count"

It already made count. But it must have reminded Adam about the fragility of life.

"I suppose" 

Sauli grabbed his phone from the table and put it on his lap so they could both see the time go closer and closer to midnight. The moment it hit 00.00, the fireworks hit the sky and lit up the dark. 

They both eyed the colorful flashes for a brief moment before turning to look one another,

"Happy new year, baby" Adam smiled. 

"Happy new year, love" Sauli replied, his smile equally soft with Adam's as they exchanged a sweet kiss. They watched the fireworks, all cuddled up to each other until every last one of the fireworks was shot up to the sky and the flashes slowly winded down and finally disappeared. 

Adam was reluctant to get up but Sauli didn't want to sleep on the balcony. He gathered the glasses and the bottle of champagne, his phone and cardigan, and went back inside while Adam was still stretching his limbs.

Apparently no more sex for today, Sauli thought to himself. If that was the case, Adam would have jolted up way before him and would now either be sprawled on the bed or glued to Sauli's back. 

Eventually Adam managed to get inside too. After brushing his teeth, he joined Sauli on the bed. 

"That massage did you good" Sauli said, watching as Adam settled on his stomach and brought his arms under the pillow, "You're still like a boiled macaroni"

"To be honest, I'm not sure if it was the massage or the orgasm you gave me afterwards" Adam murmured, "Probably both"

Sauli chuckled, putting his phone away on the nightstand. 

"Imagine that I finally turn 18 in a few weeks" Adam said then, "Officially no longer a jailbait"

The word still makes Sauli cringe.

"You know," Adam started, shifting closer to Sauli and decided to straddle his lap as well, "I want to get a tattoo as soon as I can. I'm gonna save some money for that. I want my driving license at some point as well"

Sauli has already gotten Adam a gift card for a tattoo as a birthday present but he tried not to look too predictable. 

"Anything else you want?" 

"A pay raise" 

He saw it from Adam's eyes that it was a joke but he could actually consider it. Adam's worked hard enough to earn some extra. 

"Will consider" Sauli smiled, "Anything else?"

Adam said nothing, just leaned closer. He didn't press his lips to Sauli's, Adam let him be the one to decide that. Hm, so maybe there will be more sex after all. 

Sauli wonders when will they slow down with it. 

Not now, for certain, Sauli thought and curled his hand on the back of Adam's head and opened his mouth for the kiss. 

"Gotta fuck the new year in, huh?" Sauli asked when Adam moved to kiss his neck. 

"Definitely" Adam murmured.

~*~ 

Sauli has been planning a birthday party for Adam for several weeks now. Nothing too big, just closest friends and possibly Adam's mom. Not that Sauli doesn't want his father there but...

After the New Year fuss winded down in a couple of weeks, he could focus on the party. But Adam's birthday still came too fast and suddenly it was only one night away.

"You could learn some Donna Summer and Queen songs, maybe Bowie, those are the ones he blasts out in the shower when he thinks I'm outside and won't hear him" Sauli explained to his friends during a lunch break at work. 

"So how come you're inside when he thinks you're not?" Ashley asked. 

Sauli flushed the slightest bit,

"Well, I just... He suddenly grew out of the habit of us taking a shower together. I noticed he always said he'll take a shower when I let him know I'll be going outside with Fluffie. Knowing his past tendencies, I obviously grew concerned" He said, not really sure how much his friends know about Adam's struggles with eating disorders so he hoped they'd ask no further questions. 

When none came, he continued;

"I sneaked back in once to find out what makes him act so strange, only to witness a full on Queen solo concert that was going on in my bathroom" 

The memory still made him smile. He never told Adam he had heard him blast out Another one bites the dust. He found it hard to keep a straight face after Adam had come out of the shower. 

"So he was,,, good?" Tommy asked curiosly. 

"No" Sauli said simply, "He was incredible. And I'm not just saying because it's Adam, I'm saying because it's true. There was no tiny hint of uncertainity in his voice, not one bit. Almost like he knew he was good. And I can assure you, he doesn't feel that way about himself too often"

"So we'll learn some of those. In one day" Brian said. 

"Sorry for the short notice" Sauli grimaced, "But this would really mean a lot"

"Don't worry, we'll get right to it" Ashley assured, "You go home now"

Which is exactly what he did. Other last minute arrangements and challenges was getting Alisan's number from Adam's phone so he could call her and invite her too. Danielle is also coming though she and Adam have been more distant lately. 

Adam didn't have any idea what was going on. Or maybe he had but he ever so smoothly pretended that he doesn't so Sauli wouldn't have to feel bad. 

The next day, Sauli woke up way before Adam. He prepared breakfast and returned to the bedroom, settling on the bed next to Adam and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. Unlike in stories and fairytales, Adam wouldn't dudge. 

He was way too much of a heavy sleeper nowadays. Fluffie came for help. He brutally climbed on top of Adam's body and drowned his face in licks and wouldn't move even when Adam opened his eyes. 

"Hey!" Came a helpless squeak through the chuckles, "I'm awake, thank you"

Sauli snickered, lifting Fluffie on the floor and kissed Adam between his eyebrows, 

"Happy 18th birthday, baby" 

"Thank you" Adam smiled, "How come you did not wake me up with a blowjob though?"

"I was busy" Sauli said in all its simplicity, "I promise you'll get one today. Now I have prepared some breakfast and then I'll have a little surprise for you"

"Mm, I already like where this day is going" Adam smiled, "Will you bring the breakfast here to bed?"

He did. And after that he told Adam about the gift card they got him for High Voltage and that he can get the tattoo in a week. Sauli knows Adam already has the first tattoo figured out but he didn't want to just rush him to the tattoo store. 

This way he can still think about it for a week. And even more if he needs to. 

Otherwise they didn't really do anything special. They staid at Sauli's place, watched a few movies and had dinner early in case Adam will need an hour or two to just rest. At 8 Sauli had to figure out a reason why they would need to go to the agency. 

He said he needs some papers. Adam didn't want to go with him at first, he saw no reason, but Sauli eventually persuaded him. He also told him to wear nice clothes. Adam so knows what's up... Sauli is a bad liar.

Adam followed Sauli inside the building as they went straight to the elevators. Sauli stood in front of the buttons and the small screen where you could see the floor, to block Adam from seeing it.

When the elevator doors opened, they could see only a very dim, empty room.

Until…

_“Happy birthday!”_

All the colorful lights were on and each one of Sauli’s closest friends bounced up from somewhere, but also including Danielle, Alisan and Leila. 

Adam covered his mouth in surprise before dropping them on his chest on top of his heart. To Sauli's mind, he acted surprised in a very, very, unconvincing way.

Somewhere from the crowd Adam saw a familiar brown-haired girl jump towards him, pushing her way through the throngs of people rather roughly,

“Why haven’t you called me in ages?!” Danielle asked and jumped on Adam, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and legs around his hips, “Oh man, I really could say I hate you now but I don't"

“I love you too” Adam smiled, "I'm happy you're here"

Danielle dropped herself down and gently poked Adam on the stomach.

“Don’t you ever do that again” She said and Adam shook his head as no. Leila appeared from somewhere too. First she cupped Adam’s face in her loving hands and just looked at him before she hugged him.

Tommy walked to him too, that small smile on his lips. He stood next to Adam and put his hand on his shoulder, turning him a little, towards the direction he wanted him to.

“What if you kick this party going?” He asked, pointing towards a small stage. There was a microphone stand, bass, guitar, keyboards and a drum set stanging on it.

Adam shook his head frantically,

"What? No way"

Tommy glanced at Sauli for help. Sauli delivered; He stepped behind Adam, rose on his toes and kissed the back of his neck. Aware that everyone was looking but chose not to care,

"I heard you" He whispered, "From the shower, I heard you. You know you're good at it. _Show it_ "

“But I don’t know what to sing" Adam said quietly, "Singing Queen in your bathroom is a little different. People always say don't walk on the holy Ground"

"Then how about some David Bowie or Donna Summer? Because we can rock that shit too"

“Okay. Okay, fine” Adam replied slowly and quietly, still unsure.

His feet were stuck on the ground even though Tommy and others made their way on the stage already and got ready with their own instruments.

"Close your eyes if it helps" Sauli whispered, "Forget about the crowd. Just prove all of them wrong who ever doubted you"

Adam nodded. He walked up to the stage and wrapped his hand around the shaft of the stand to set the height right. 

He shot a glance at Sauli who smiled at him. Sauli smiled at him when he first walked on the runway, he smiled at him when he stepped in front of the camera for the first time, and he smiled at him when they first met…

And he still smiles at him. And he probably never stops.


	19. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of Adam's birthday.

Sauli certainly knew Adam could sing. However, he was not in any way prepared for the gush of emotions passing through his body at the sound of his voice. Above all the rest, there was pride. 

Just one minute in to the small set they plaid, Adam no longer needed the eyecontact from Sauli to calm his nerves. The less glances he gave him, the further away into the crowd Sauli moved. More of like melted; became just another person among others. Not because he wanted to get away, but because he wanted to give Adam the space he needed. 

Right after the pride, there came a hint of sadness. It wasn't the gloomy kind, it was the bittersweet kind. Almost as if you no longer felt needed. 

The wings no longer needed you to provide the wind beneath them. 

He finally learned to fly. 

When they were done with the short set, Sauli discreetly tried to wipe his eyes. He didn't want anybody to think he wasn't happy, though somewhere deep down he knew nobody would see it that way. They would all know he just felt moved from watching his loved one perform like the stage was his natural habitat. 

With unsteady steps Adam stepped down from the stage and Sauli was glad he had decided to move back close to the stage, because as soon as Adam was down, he wobbled on his feet and was happy Sauli saved him from the complete fall. 

That's one way to end a set. 

"Easy" Sauli smiled, helping Adam to sit down on the nearest couch, "Are you in this world?"

Adam looked into his eyes and nodded. 

"Did I really just do that?" Adam asked, his voice only a little raspy after the performance.

"You really did and it was incredible" Sauli said, handing Adam a bottle of water. Adam smiled, trying to open the bottle but his hands were too shaky so Sauli did it for him.

"You disappeared" Adam said after taking a sip of water, "I thought you had left"

"Why would I have left?" Sauli asked, "I just moved aside a bit..."

"Yeah, I saw. But why?"

"I saw how you at one point stopped peeking at me every time you opened your eyes. I just kind of wanted to give you the space, I don't know" 

Sauli doesn't know how to explain himself. He felt overwhelmed by many reasons and the last thing he'd want is Adam to think he ain't happy for him. Because he really is happier than he has ever been for anyone before. 

"I didn't really feel vulnerable during the singing unlike I thought... But during that one drastic second after each song, when people were pondering whether it was going to continue or not so they didn't know if they should applaud yet" Adam explained, "To me it meant one second of agonizing silence... Just waiting for some kind of judgment. But even when I lost the sight of you, I knew you were there. I knew you'd applaud for me even if I had failed miserably" he said with a quiet chuckle. 

Sauli smiled, nodding. Now he kind of regrets he didn't whistle and shout out loud that he's his boyfriend. Maybe that can wait for later. For bigger audiences. 

He's not exactly a show off but he wouldn't hide his bubbling pride. 

"I'm proud of you" Sauli said, sweetly pecking Adam on the cheek and temple, and handed the bottle back to him.

Adam smiled and took a long gulp. Sauli closed the water bottle for him after he was done and as he eyed around the room, he noticed Leila; staring at Adam as well, looking almost more dazed and teary than Sauli did. 

But she staid there at the side, almost like she was giving Sauli some time to share his feelings first. She wouldn't need to do that but Sauli appreciates that she does. 

"I can't believe I did that" Adam whispered again, "But mostly I can't believe all these people are here to celebrate my birthday. Thank you for this"

"You're welcome" Sauli smiled.

"My classmates always put up their own parties and I was never invited... And when I had my own I didn't even think of putting up anything because they said no one would show up anyway. Like it wasn't something anybody should celebrate" Adam said quietly.

"Oh, it's definitely something to celebrate. Now it's your day to transition from adolescence to adulthood. Officially" Sauli said and got up from the couch, reaching out his hand for Adam, "Remember that when you will be on that big stage-"

"But Sauli-"

"No, no. When you _will_ be on that big stage and there's thousands of people screaming for you,,, those jerks who tried to dunk you in the toilet, at least figuratively, will be the ones cleaning _your_ toilet in the backstage"

"At least you have faith" Adam said. 

"Well, someone gotta. Now come on, let's get your first legal alcohol shot. Maybe you get brave enough to sing us some more" 

Adam chuckled, obeying happily, and finally gave Sauli his hand. Sauli pulled him at the bar and told the bartender he had hired for the night, to get them two salty liquorice shots. Adam wasn't very fond of the candy when he tasted it in Finland, so Sauli knows he probably will hate this one too. 

But just this one. 

He handed the other one to Adam,

"Kippis" He grinned and they poured them down their throats in one swift move.

Sauli cracked up at Adam's face after he had drowned the shot. Sauli told the bartender, between his chuckles, to give Adam a glass of water. 

"Finnish style" Sauli said when Adam clutched the water like it was his saving grace, "People just don’t get the magic of salty licorice in here"

“Definitely not. Next time something less Finnish, please"

“I promise. Let's see the buffet” He said, grabbing Adam’s hand again and pulled him through the crowd to the buffet. There was something for everyone. 

"That’s a lot of food” Adam said lowly, eyeing the buffet. 

Sauli handed him a plate and took one for himself too. Adam filled his rather carefully and took his time to think about what he wanted to have. Sauli gave him the time he needed, he was in no rush. 

After collecting some food, they squeezed their way through the throngs of people and sat on one of the couches.

“I’ve been thinking of graduating the high school” Adam said after they had sat down, “I’ve just fallen behind quite badly and I have a lot to catch up... But it's kind of essential that I finish it"

“You wanna graduate with others?”

“I don't know if that's possible, I really have a lot to do. I think my mother and father would appreciate me graduating even if I only graduate in summer” Adam said and made a face. Sauli has already learned Adam wasn't much of a studier, even if he never had the mental problems, he was just into school books. 

Who can blame him, Sauli thought. He wasn't a big studier either. 

“I'm sure they would. If you need money you can work on weekends or after school”

“I always need money. Especially because I have my eyes on new boots" Adam pointed out, "But math concerns me the most. I _suck_ at it"

"I can find a way to motivate you" Sauli winked, "Each time you get, let’s say five math problems or whatever you call them here, correct in a row, I’ll give you a blowjob. Seven or more, you can fuck me any way you want to and each time you give up, no sex in a day”

“It’s you who suffers from the lack of sex too” Adam pointed out.

“True. But I can jerk off and you have to watch without touching yourself”

“You are so awful"

Sauli grinned and wiggled his eyebrows,

“I know. But new boots, huh? Tell me more"

~*~ 

Adam didn't have much to drink and neither did Sauli. Everybody who knew Sauli also knew why he didn't want to get shit-faced but lot of them had no idea why Adam would not so everyone kept offering him drinks.

He took them to be polite but drank only minority of them. 

"Look at how she's already talking to everyone like she knows them" Adam said as he watched his new friend Alisan chatting with Scarlett and Terrance, "How do people do that?"

Sauli smirked. 

"Are you jealous of her?"

"Her? No" Adam squeaked, "It's just- She's _my friend_. Along with Danielle, she's the only one who's not here just because you made them"

"Now, that's not true" Sauli said, stopping the nonsense before it could properly even start, "My friends have grown very fond of you and you know it. And I know what you're thinking, she's not going to abandon you because she found 'better friends'"

Adam gave him a guilty look under his brows. Sauli just cocked his own eyebrows as if to say 'yes, I know what you're thinking'. While Adam has definitely gotten more confident, he still has his doubts when it comes to people wanting be involved in his life. 

Alisan all but dashed to them in the matter of seconds when she saw them looking, and squeezed her tiny self between them on the couch. 

"So... You guys are like an item?" She asked bluntly with a wicked, child-like smile, making Sauli raise his eyebrows, "He has told me" she added, pointing at Adam while looking at Sauli, also kind of answering to her own rhetoric question. 

"But I figured since you are snogging here so openly, it must not be a secret anymore"

"Snogging?" Adam asked chuckling, "What are you, British?"

"Well, it sounds more innocent than making out" She defended herself, "You weren't doing _that_ "

"It's no secret among people in here, yes" Sauli joined in, "But we have tried to avoid giving media any hints about us so we'd appreciate if-"

"Yeah, I get it. I won't tell anyone" She said defensively, "I'm Alisan, by the way"

"I know. I'm Sauli"

"I know" She grinned, "I've heard a lot about you. Positive. Mostly"

"'Mostly?'" Sauli asked, cocking his eyebrow and glanced at Adam with his 'care to fill me in?' expression. 

"Well, I don't mean it like-"

"Babe, it's okay" Sauli snickered, reaching over Alisan's lap to touch Adam's knee because he looked like he took his remark way too seriously. He must have some quirks that put Adam off sometimes and he has vented about it to Alisan. 

He didn't linger on Adam's knee for too long, he didn't want to make Alisan uncomfortable with all the affectionate rubbing. 

"What did you think of his singing?" Alisan asked Sauli, "Sounded incredible, right? I tried to drag him into a karaoke bar one night after hearing him sing to blast a song or two but he wouldn't"

Sauli tried not to get 'jealous' over the fact that Adam had sung for Alisan but never agreed to sing for him when he asked. But from the look on Adam's face, he concluded he wasn't the only one thinking of it. 

"She also sings so it felt not only logical but safe" Adam said quietly, gazing into Sauli's eyes and looked more apologetic than he would have needed to. Surely Sauli felt a little left out of Adam's life, for the first time since they started dating, but it wasn't the end of the world. 

Of course Adam never told him about his bulimia or other health problems but Sauli could understand it. This somehow stung more. 

And it didn't make any sense. 

"Okay, uh- Clearly I have a mouth too big" Alisan said with an awkward chuckle, "I'm just gonna,,, be there if you need me"

Sauli stopped her before she could get up. 

"No. I'm glad Adam has someone who shares the same passion... The stage is still there, maybe you could sing something together. Just let Brian and the guys know what you want to sing"

"I'm sorry, baby, it's nothing personal and you know it" Adam said, his face reminding Sauli of a lost puppy. 

"I know it" Sauli smiled, "Now go. Own up the stage. Go"

They shared a look and both got up, making their way to the DJ desk where Brian was. Sauli watched as Alisan rose on her toes and leaned over the desk to be heard by Brian over the loud music. 

Brian listened closely and even brought his hand on his chin. He does that every time he's highly interested or highly judgemental. Sauli couldn't tell which from the far distance. 

Then Brian gestured Tommy to join them. When he did, Brian said something to him to which Tommy reacted with several claps of his hands. Brian then gestured behind himself and Alisan bounced on her feet excitedly, before they all, except Brian who proceeded to play the music, disappeared to the backroom, Tommy grabbing his guitar on the way.

Maybe they're playing acoustic and Tommy wants to make sure they have the same vision of the song they're going to play. 

Sauli lounged on the couch, sipping the beer Lee had pushed into his hands earlier. His foot was nervously tapping against the floor as he waited for Adam and Alisan to step on the stage. 

Minutes passed painfully slowly. About 30 minutes, which was longer than expected, and they came back from the room and stepped on the stage. 

Alisan switched on the microphone, 

"So, uhm- I kind of hate to interrupt a great party but if anyone is interested, we'd like to perform a song live again"

Leila's 'yes!' came the loudest and Sauli couldn't help but chuckle. 

"These amazing young musicians plaid some rock and pop songs earlier, so we'd like to play something a bit more softer but still powerful now" Alisan explained and glanced at Adam as if to ask if he's absolutely sure. Adam nodded with a smile.

"This is actually a song we wrote and composed together with Adam" 

Sauli's head perked even higher up and he nearly dropped his glass on the floor.

"And I hope you all like it"

During the intro, Leila appeared on the couch next to him and to Sauli's surprise, grabbed his hand tightly. 

"Whatever you have done for him... Please, never stop. I have never seen him look so content with himself"

"I don't want to take all the credit" He said, "He's strong. Stronger than he thinks"

"I know he is" Leila said, "But you brought it out"

When Adam's first note echoed in the room, Sauli squeezed Leila's hand and swallowed hard. Pride is a surprisingly overwhelming feeling. Adam was born to be on stage in some way, Sauli has known it every since he first walked on the runway in a fashion show.

But this was still so different. He had everyone wrapped around his pinky. 

For the next three to four minutes, Sauli tried to suppress his emotions. But once the song ended, he jumped on his feet to applaud, not really sure was he crying or smiling.

Most likely both.

~*~ 

Sauli trusted his friends to take care of the place like they had promised long time ago. They staid there to continue the party even after Sauli told them that he and Adam are going to leave.

They walked in the night city for a long while before calling a cab to go home. Well, to Sauli's place, that has lately been like Adam's home as well. 

Not five minutes in and Adam was already happily pinned against the bed by Sauli's arms and thighs. 

"If you had made the decision to strictly follow the law, this'd be the time you'd finally get to sex me up" Adam said, and to Sauli's ears he sounded even more thoughtful than expected. 

He wasn't sure what was spinning around in Adam's mind. He didn't look tense or have the kind of expression that _waits_ for something certain to be said or done. 

"Then I don't think I would have balls at this point anymore" Sauli said, "They would have dropped. And turned blue. Maybe in the opposite order"

Adam rolled his eyes, playfully smacking Sauli's thigh but couldn't help a chuckle,

"I'm being serious" He said, "If that was the case..."

"Then this'd be a very special night for several reasons" Sauli said quietly, brushing Adam's cheek with the tip of his nose, "It still is"

Adam smiled which quickly turned to giddy chuckles as he tilted his chin up and chased after Sauli's lips. Sauli obeyed for a brief kiss but then swiftly proceeded to push the hem of Adam’s shirt higher up his chest. 

After a tentative kiss on both nipples, Adam brought his upper body off the cushions for Sauli to remove his shirt. 

Sauli let his lips hover across his skin, hands gliding softly along the line of his waist, nails gently skimming on the delicate skin. 

Sauli tentatively kissed Adam's belly button, then blew cool air against the damp skin. His expression was wicked, mischievous, and he was sure Adam knew they're in for quite a ride. 

He kissed Adam’s skin right above the belt buckle before he sat up between his legs and pulled the zipper of Adam’s boot down, doing the same with his other boot, then pulled them off his feet.

After that he removed his own shirt. He never gets tired of the way Adam looks at him every time. But unlike in the beginning, it wasn't at all jealousy or envy over the body that looked nothing like his own, it was pure lust. 

Adam wrapped his arm around Sauli and flipped them around. Sauli didn't mind, he loves the way Adam takes control of the situations. All thanks for the slowly but surely built up confidence. 

Adam sat up, straddled over Sauli's lap, and grabbed both of his hands into his. 

"Thanks for arranging the party" He said, rolling Sauli's fingers in his palms, "And thanks for arranging a chance to sing although at first I was ready to end your days"

"You're welcome" Sauli chuckled, "We had to do all the planning outside of work so that's why I was sometimes a little 'distant' at home, I was just making arrangements... I wanted everything to be perfect for your special day"

"I appreciate all the effort you guys saw for me. And how you found Alisan and invited mom, I just- Thank you"

"Stop thanking me. Thank _you_ "

"You're welcome" Adam winked, "Though I don't know what you're thanking me for"

"Everything. Your singing, your entire being and existance, and your beautiful plush ass on my dick"

Adam smirked, slowly rolling his hips. 

"You're going to kill me" Sauli stated, closing his eyes, "And you enjoy it"

"I might" Adam said. Sauli didn't open his eyes yet, he only focused on Adam's ass tentaively rubbing against him, but he could hear Adam unbuckling his belt. The screech of the zipper following. That both made him want to open his eyes and not open his eyes.

When he eventually did, Adam pulled his hand out of his own pants and gave Sauli a mischievous smirk as he brought a finger on his own lips. 

"No" Sauli croaked, "You know that gets me weaker than anything else... You tasting yourself"

Adam smirked and released the finger with a wet pop. Usually Adam gives Sauli a taste too because it drives Sauli insane with desire. A desire to have his cock in his mouth, those juices just dribbling on his tongue. 

This time he didn't. Instead he pulled his cock out and gave himself several slow strokes. 

"Oh my god" Sauli whispered, squeezing Adam's thighs as his own dick throbbed eagerly.

Adam eyebrows shot up and a smug look of 'surprise' appeared on his face. 

"What was that" He murmured, "Someone is nearly climbing out of his pants"

"Quite literally" Sauli groaned, reaching for Adam's cock but his hand was slapped away. 

“Now who’s being a meanie” 

"I'm just giving you a taste of what I'm going to go through when I learn math" Adam said in a low tone, “I can play this game"

His own ideas always bite him in the ass. 

"Just a little taste” Sauli begged.

Adam cocked his eyebrow at him.

“Please” Sauli added.

Adam circled his forefinger over the slit of his dick and brought in on Sauli's lips. Sauli opened his mouth, nearly moaning at how much he actually wanted it. 

Adam bit his lip, watching as Sauli savored the taste. 

"Strip off your clothes” he then commanded, moving off so Sauli could remove the remaining clothes.

Sauli started by removing his shoes, then socks and pants.

“Now stop teasing me, please" Sauli said. 

"Fine" Adam whispered and also removed the rest of his clothes. Sauli hummed approvingly, holding onto Adam's waist and pulled him on top of him. 

Sauli glanced between their bodies,

"Don’t they just look amazing together?" 

“They really do” Adam agreed, raising his eyes back up. They shared a short smile before Adam reached out for the drawer and pulled a lube out of the top drawer.

He spurted some on his palm and wrapped his fingers around their cocks,

"You're not going to fuck me? On your birthday?" Sauli asked.

Adam shook his head as no,

"I probably wouldn't last that long and with all the food... Yeah. You don't mind?" He said, his voice a bit unsteady as he slowly moved his hand up and down their cocks to spread the lube.

"Not at all" Sauli smiled, understaning. It made a lot of sense.

Adam let go of their cocks once they were both slick enough and started to grind his length against Sauli's, pressing their lips togehter.

The contact of their lips made Sauli's stomach jump the same way it did when they kissed for the very first time. It's something that just hasn't changed.

Sauli dropped his hand down on Adam's hip and held onto it firmly as Adam ground their cocks together. Just the feel of Adam's warm length against to his own was enough to make Sauli feel weak. 

Sauli threw his legs over Adam's thighs and bucked his hips up to meet his thrusts. Other hand was tangled in Adam's hair.

"All the teasing bites me in the ass now... I'm so close already" Adam panted, stopping his movements. Sauli grinned.

Then kissed the corner of Adam's mouth and petted his ass,

"You don't need to hold back"

"I know but I want you to catch up. Even a little..." Adam chuckled nervously, lifting his hips enough to make some space between their bodies.

Sauli smiled lovingly and reached down, wrapped his hand around his cock and started jerking himself off. Adam sat on Sauli's thighs and looked at the action before him, fondling his balls and gently squeezing them to take the worst edge away..

Sauli plaid with the head of his cock, his pleasure trigger, and pumped the shaft with his other hand. 

Just watching Adam this way, naked, flushed and hard.... He was just absolutely beautiful and the hottest person Sauli has ever laid eyes on.

"Now, come here you" Sauli whispered, pulling Adam back close. 

He wrapped his hand around them both again and started stroking them fast and hard, brushing his palm against the heads from time to time and occasionally changed the speed of his hand.

From painfully slow to a very fast one.

Adam was nibbling on his ear, his pants making Sauli shiver. All of a sudden Adam bit his ear a bit harder than he probably meant to.

Sauli rubbed the tip of his cock with his thumb and it was all it took for Adam to come. It was still Sauli who shuddered when Adam moaned right into his ear, his cum splattering between their bodies. 

"Fuck" he breathed out, speeding up the pace of his hand only to have Adam grasp on his wrist with a breathless chuckle. 

"Sorry" Sauli smiled, releasing Adam's cock from his hold and proceeded to stroke himself. It didn't take long until he came, with Adam now whispering dirty little things to his ear. 

It felt like it went on forever. He felt drugged by the pleasure and Adam's proximity; Breath caressing Sauli's damp skin, the scent of his sweat teasing his senses and his body so sweetly touching his from head to toe. 

It's the moments like this when Sauli really appreciates the sexual intimacy of a real relationship. There's nothing that compares. 

Adam was the first to raise his head just a bit,

"This day was perfect" He said, "In all the ways, it was perfect. Thanks to you"

Sauli won't take all the credit from that either. But he's beyond happy Adam feels that way.

~*~ 

The next day was obviously a free day. Though Sauli could have easily gone to work, he wasn't hungover, he was glad he didn't have to. He woke up earlier than Adam, as always, and took Fluffie out once he had dressed up.

Then it was time for a slow morning. Because even in slow mornings, one gotta take their dog out. 

Sauli made some coffee and returned to the bedroom where Adam was still peacefully sleeping. Sauli sat on his side of the bed, against the headboard, and allowed Fluffie to jump on the bed too. He lay down near Adam's feet. 

Sauli would have time to write and read emails but he didn't want to do anything work related now. So he just enjoyed his coffee and stared at Adam. It felt, and it was, way creepier than movies let you understand but Sauli couldn't help it. 

Sauli grabbed his earbuds from his nightstand and plugged them to his phone. Scarlett had filmed both of Adam's performances last night and sent them to Sauli. He felt like watching them again. 

Except he coudn't watch more than ten seconds before the overwhelm hit him hard and he had to stop. Almost like he was aftaid of such strong feelings, even though he knew it didn't make any sense. 

If he has ever been afraid of a certain feeling, it was the love he felt for Adam before he knew the feeling was mutual. Or the anxiety he got from withdrawals when he was in rehab.

He never saw himself being afraid of this. He had no reason for it. 

He ended up going through his cloud on his laptop. Man, he had _lots of_ photos saved. 

The time passed as he browsed them and Adam was slowly starting to wake up.

"Good morning, sunshine" Sauli grinned when Adam only opened one of his eyes and he already looked displeased by the light that peeked into the room between the curtains. The way his hair stuck to every direction amused Sauli. 

"How do you do that?" Adam asked, his voice raspy from sleep, "How can someone _love_ waking up early on free days?"

"I don't 'love' it, it just happens" Sauli said, "Did I wake you? Usually you wake up no earlier than 12.00"

"No. I just gotta pee" 

Adam's moves were sluggish as he left the bed. 

"I'll get you some coffee" Sauli smiled, putting his laptop aside, on the floor. He went to kitchen to make Adam a quick cup of coffee and grabbed him a few oranges as well. In the last check up, his nurse had recommended to start the day with some extra fiber. 

Sauli put the cup and the fruits on a small tray, and took it to the bedroom onto Adam's nightstand. He should probably eat something himself too, he realized just now that he didn't make any breakfast earlier. 

Maybe they could go somewhere for a bruch a bit later. 

Adam came back from the bathroom, the rest of yesterday's make up finally washed off and hair looking a little more tamed. He sat on the bed and pulled the cover over his lap.

"Where's my morning kiss?" Sauli asked, voice nearly demanding. 

Adam chuckled, leaning close for a long, lazy kiss. 

"Can we spend the entire day in bed?" Adam asked between the kisses, "And do absolutely nothing"

So no brunch for today. 

"Mm, I wouldn't really mind that" Sauli said, "Not at all"


	20. New York

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reaching for dreams and experimenting new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's my duty as the writer to tell you about my severe creative constipation. Like there's _so_ many ideas but I can't seem to figure out a way to produce them right and it's been driving me insane lately. 
> 
> I recognize a lot of re-occuring "flaws" in all my stories, not grammar wise (though probably that too) but writing style wise. So the outcome of this chapter wasn't at all what I wanted it to be - It's just shreds of what I had in mind. But I guess sometimes you got to recognize your own limits lol.

"I can't believe I'm in New York" Adam said in awe when watching out of their hotel window. 

Sauli let him enjoy the high. There were two reasons for their stay and the primary one were record label people who wanted to meet Adam and hear some demos he has worked on with Brian. The second one was a fashion show Sauli wants to attend and he obviously wants to take Adam with him. 

"I can't believe I'm about to attend a fashion show in New York" Adam said, in a much more gaspy tone. 

"Speaking of that, we have to leave in an hour" Sauli pointed out as he glanced at his watch, "Don't you think you ought to get ready?"

Adam always takes his time to get ready and Sauli would rather not be late from the event so important to him. He has quite a few people he needs to meet before the actual show starts. 

Adam disappeared to the bathroom then. He would pop out every know and then to get something from his luggage and then go back in again. 

Sauli thankfully didn't need the bathroom, he could do his hair in front of the mirror in the corridor of their hotel room. Once he had dressed up, he glanced at the clock again, 

"Baby?"

"In a minute!" 

Sauli sat down to wait, going through his latest emails. After another long 15 minutes, he finally heard the bathroom door open. Sauli looked up, his breath getting caught in his chest. 

"Well, _hello_ " 

Adam chuckled, blushing a bit,

"Is this okay?" He asked, glancing down at his body, "Do I look okay?"

"Okay? You look perfect" Sauli smiled, stepping closer and brushed his hand over Adam's chest where his shirt was partly see-through. He was wearing a thin shirt which had a golden underglow, suit jacket, leather pants and high heeled boots.

"I thought since you are so silvery and blue I could wear a hint of gold" Adam said.

Sauli wore a pair of black skinny jeans with a black suit jacket that had a silver lining, black shirt and silver rings in his fingers. He put all of his clothes ready on a hangar a few hours ago so Adam must have figured out his own outfit not too long ago.

"How nice. And your make up" Sauli sighed, reaching out to tip Adam's head to different directions by his chin. 

"It's not too much? I can still-" 

"Not at all" Sauli convinced with a smile and let go of Adam's chin.

The heavier make up looks good on Adam, it suits the shape of his eyes perfectly, so it doesn't even look like he over-did it. Not that Sauli would care, he can express himself as wildly as he wants to. 

Sauli took Adam's hand into his and studied his fingers, "You got yourself some new rings too"

Adam pulled his hand out of his hold and nervously started to play with the said rings,

"I just thought I-"

Sauli chuckled,

"Hey, I didn't mean it like that, of course you can use your own money the way you want to. I was just observing" Sauli smiled and tickled Adam's belly for no apparent reason, he just likes the squeak Adam always makes when he does it. 

Adam jumped and poked him back, on the stomach.

"Oh, it's on" Sauli said in a warning, low tone and brought both of his hands up.

"No!" Adam said right away, raising both of his hands up in defeat. He'd lose a tickle fight to Sauli anytime and any place, and he knows it. Though last time ended up with him accidentally kneeing Sauli on the crotch so techincally that was a win to him.

But knowing Adam squirms uncontrollably when he’s being tickled and he often accidentally hits Sauli either on the face or his crotch, Sauli should know better. He still hasn't learned from it but thankfully Adam has. 

"Okay" Sauli grinned and watched as Adam moved to his suitcase, very carefully. He glanced over his shoulder a few times to see Sauli wasn't planning anything mischief behind his back.

He bent down a bit and started browsing his suitcase that lied on the bed. 

"Did I wear those black earrings last night? The ones I-" Adam started asking but jumped when Sauli smacked his bottom, "Hey!"

"Sorry. You turn me on" Sauli declared wickedly and grabbed a handful of Adam's ass.

Adam rolled his eyes, smiling,

"Have you eaten those spicy chicken wings again?"

"No. But I had a spicy latte, does that count?" 

Probably yes. Anything spicy counts when it comes to his libido. Which sounds ridiculous and maybe it's entirely psychological but the connection is always there for some reason. He also has lots of excessive energy and sometimes he has a hard time figuring out where he should put it all. 

"Well, I am trying to get ready here like you suggesged so could you please let go of my ass?"

"Let me think" Sauli said, pulling on an exeggeratedly serious face, "No" he decided.

Adam straightened up, only to get two hands instead of one on him. Suddenly Sauli had an idea. Well, he gets ideas a lot when he's fondling Adam like this but this was something different and didn't necessarily include Adam on all fours. 

" _Kulta?_ "

"Yes?" 

"Nothing" Sauli said instead, chickening away on the very last second and pressed himself against Adam's back, and wrapped his arms around him, "I'm just glad you're here"

"You're not fooling me" Adam grinned, "Tell me what's on your mind"

"Can I photograph you again? It's been a long time. Please" Sauli asked, his voice more needy than intended, and gently squeezed Adam's body.

"What's the catch?"

"What catch?" Sauli asked dramatically, "Why do you assume there's a catch?"

Sauli could imagine Adam cocking his eyebrow with his 'I know you' look. 

"Okay, there's a catch. Can you do it naked?" 

Adam was silent. Only for a few seconds but it felt like long, agonizing minutes to Sauli. He'd never want to push Adam out of his comfort zone.

"You don't have to" He had to add. 

"Why?"

_Why_. Short yet one of the trickiest questions one could ever ask. So many possibilites to screw everything up while replying to a question 'why?'.

"Why I wanna do it? Well, it's something I've never done before, with anyone. And because your body is a piece of art" Sauli said, "And it's about time you see it too"

Still silent. Sauli felt like squirming as he tried to justify his request and the more silent Adam was, the more uncomfortable he grew.

"Look, I'm not asking because I want to have a new picture in my drawer that I can look at when you're not with me, I just- I want you to see what I see when I look at you. You've come a long way with your body... Think of it as a closure; From always hiding it, even from me, to showing it all on camera. I won't post them anywhere, obviously, or even store them anywhere else but in our home"

"Okay" Adam said, faster than expexted, and turned around, "Let's do it"

"Are you sure?" Sauli asked slowly, burrows furrowed together questiongly. He didn't want Adam to agree just because he wants him to. 

Adam nodded,

"I'm sure"

"Then I'm looking forward to it" Sauli smiled, "We should get going though" 

Adam nodded,

“And I’m going to hold your hand all the time or some fashion people there will steal you from me and I'll be all alone” Adam said and took a hold of Sauli’s free hand.

Sauli smiled and gave an approving nod to him,

“Though I’m the one who should be worried about stealing. All of them want to have a piece of you and on top of that, all the agencies competing with ours want to steal you” Sauli said and pushed the door closed after they had left the room.

Adam rolled his eyes at the ‘compliment’. Sauli ignored it this time, there was no point in having the same conversation over and over again. They reached the elevator and stepped in. 

Adam turned towards the mirror to adjust his hair while Sauli chose pressed the "reception" button. 

Sauli looked at him, trying to analyze anything at all but failed on every attempt. 

“I think you’re hot and incredibly sexy. Isn’t that all that should matter?” Sauli asked in a soft voice then, not able to shrug off the distinct eye roll. He has to admit there's nothing that stings quite like an eyeroll. 

Adam sighed,

"Not exactly"

"No?"

"You're bound to see me that way because we're dating. I don't care if no one else found me hot but you, that's true, but more than that I wish I could see myself that way. Because that's what you deserve from me as well"

"Me?" Sauli questioned with a quiet, confused chuckle, which had zero intentios to sound like mockery, but he wasn't able to help it before it had already escaped.

"Confidence in the bedroom" Adam replied simply and turned away from the mirror, giving Sauli a look that he couldn't quite read, and walked out of the elevator. Sauli quickly followed. 

While it's true that whenever Adam gets a confidence boost in the bedroom, Sauli gets weak in the knees within seconds. It's still not the only reason why Adam would deserve to feel confident at all times, it would be for the sake of his own mind as well.

For someone who has battled with awfully twisted body image for years, it would most likely feel like a breath of fresh air. Loving yourself must be blissful after all those years.

"Let's talk about this when we get back?" Sauli asked, grabbing Adam's hand again. 

"I don't think there's need for that" Adam decided, "If I want to vent, I have my therapist for that"

"But it still doesn't mean I don't want to know how you feel" Sauli insisted and tugged on Adam's hand to stop him from walking. He noticed their car was already waiting by the side of the road but the driver can bear them a few seconds. 

Adam looked around them like making sure no extra pairs of ears were listening,

"I know. But I don't want to put extra strain on our relationship by always lashing out about things you can't control" He said, still keeping his tone relatively low, "Because I _know_ you. I know how hard it is for you personally when you can't fix things for me and I don't want you to feel inadequate that way"

It's true, Sauli thought. While probably everyone feels that way sometimes when not able to help a loved one the way they'd like to, he tends to take it on another level. He's actually glad Adam has picked up on it. 

"I will always tell you if there something that really bothers me" Adam convinced, "But not when I have to go through the same things over and over again in my own head in order to make progress. Okay?"

Sauli sighed, nodding,

"Okay. I just worry that you'll cut me out"

"Never" Adam smiled, "I would really kiss you know but we're on public display"

"So I'll take a raincheck"

~*~

After the fashion show they had some late night snack at the city, then returned to their hotel and took a lengthy shower together. After the shower Adam staid to properly remove his make up and do some 'adjusting', whatever that meant. But it's been over 15 minutes and Sauli was beginning to think he got cold feet.

"Adam?" Sauli called out and gently knocked on the bathroom door, "Everything alright?"

"Give me two more minutes. Do you want me to shave?"

"You barely have any stubble, baby face"

"Not my _face_ " Came the spicy answer. 

Sauli smiled and cratched his chin. He went back on the bed and closed his eyes, sighing. He would love the photos regardless of what Adam decides to do with his body hair, but there is something about natural that excites him in many ways. 

"Do whatever you want to do" He said then, loud enough to let Adam hear him, "Do what feels the most comfortable for _you_ , okay?"

"Okay" Adam said in the bathroom.

"And you can stop at any point, just remember that" Sauli reminded. He feels like he can't stress that enough.

"That's for pussies" Adam huffed and Sauli could imagine him dramatically rolling his eyes.

Sauli rolled his eyes as well and bit back a small smile,

“Well, stopping something that doesn’t feel good for you doesn’t exactly make you a 'pussy'. Anyway, do whatever you want to because I'm up for every-" Sauli said and glanced towards the bathroom door when he heard Adam step out, "-thing you decide" He finished, completely dazed by the sight.

He has seen it all countless of times but it never ceases to amaze him when it's put on display like that. 

He scanned Adam from head to toe. His hair was down, face was all natural and he wasn't wearing any neck chains or rings. He had some fair hair on his chest and his happy trail lead to neatly trimmed pubes. 

Sauli's heart clenched. That's all for _him_ to devour later.

"I'm not feeling shy at all by standing here in front of you all naked, so please keep staring" Adam chuckled nervously, not at all sarcastic, and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Sauli smiled and attached the objective onto his camera,

"I've seen it all, baby" He said gently and gestured towards the wall he had cleared. He will put everything back in place once they're done. 

"Yeah, but not like this" Adam said as he stepped against the wall while Sauli made final adjustments with the reflectors. Good thing they come in travel sizes as well, you never know when you might need them. 

Lastly, he pulled a paper out of his bag.

"This is a contract" He informed, showing it to Adam, "You're my boyfriend but I still want you to sign this. Usually a photographer owns their own shots but with this, I legally give you the rights for these particular shots. You decide can they ever be published, what I can do with them and so on and so forth"

Sauli would never see himself trying to hurt Adam on purpose. Even if they are married some day and eventually divorce very messily, he wouldn't be so bitter that he'd publish something so vulnerable and personal. But he wants to make sure. Life changes people. So does possibly messy marriages. 

"Great, hand me professional papers to sign when I'm already naked" Adam mumbled and put the contract against the wall so he could sign it.

"Sorry. Now imagine a paper cut" Sauli shuddered when he took the paper from Adam once he had signed it. Adam flinched and covered his crotch protectively with his hand. 

"Don't say things like that. I think you scared my dick away" He frowned and glanced down at his body, peeking under his own hand.

"Tell me when he shows up so we can start" Sauli snickered and picked up his camera, settling on the windowsill where he thought he had the best distance to Adam. He let Adam take his time to mentally prepare himself.

Or to lure his dick back.

"I don't know how to-"

"Me neither" Sauli interrupted, "I have no idea what kind of instructions I should give you because this is my first time doing this as well"

"So basically we both suck" Adam said bluntly which made Sauli laugh and vigorously nod his head. When he was still a novice in photographing, with only one or two years of experience, he used to think he knows it all. 

He would get offended if someone pointed out the flaws in his work. But as more years passed, the more he realized just how little he knows about anything. He likes to think that is what differentiates a novice from an expert. 

Acknowledging the flaws, owning up to them, and seeing effort to fix them. He happily accepted the fact that he sucks at nude shots because he has never taken any. 

"So just remember it's only me" Sauli then said, "No one else gets to see these shots. No one gets to see how poorly you posed or how poorly I took the shots"

"Or how well _I_ posed but how poorly you captured them" Adam teased. There was a mischievous twinkle in his eye so Sauli only took it as a witty, harmless remark.

"These shots are not supposed to be porny or anything like that, just artistic and beautiful. We'll get to the sexy stuff later" Sauli reminded while watching Adam through the camera. 

Adam nodded and placed his hand near his groin on his thigh, turned his head a bit and knew enough to lift his chin. 

"You look gorgeous" Sauli said while snapping photos, "Can you show me your backside?"

Adam bit his lip and slowly turned around, feeling a little hesistant. He tried to stand naturally, just touching the wall before him and looked down at the floor, his head tipped a little.

"Stunning" Sauli whispered under his breath and took several photos of the view, "Then let's try the bed. You could just- Be. Sit. Whatever"

Sauli is sure he has never given such unspecific guidance. Thankfully it was no problem to Adam and he just did as he suggested him to do, and climbed on the bed. He tried several different positions until he found one that worked for him. 

Sauli was happy with whatever he decided to put on display. Even if it meant keeping lots of things behind arms or legs. 

"Lie on the bed now? On your stomach?" Sauli suggested in turn. Adam nodded, lying down on the center of the bed. 

"Bring your other knee up a little" Sauli instructed, "And put your hands under the pillow"

Adam tucked his forearms under the pillow. 

"Perfect" Sauli whispered and put a sheet over Adam's legs. He didn't want it to look like it has been perfectly settled on him so he rustled it a bit and put the other side a little higher up Adam's leg. 

Now these he would happily frame and hang on the wall of his office. But maybe Adam wasn't as fond of the idea as he was. 

"What about still lying, but on your back?" Sauli asked hopefully.

Adam gave no reply but turned around anyway. Sauli adjusted the sheet again, mainly just covering Adam's other leg, then proceeded to take several more photos. 

"And I'm done!" He exclaimed after a while, lowering his camera, "That was fun"

"You're hard" Adam observed. 

"Can you blame me?" Sauli asked, glancing down at his lap, "You're very hot, you know"

Adam smirked,

"Difficult to contain yourself?"

" _Very_ " Sauli murmured and laid the camera aside on the mattress. He crawled to Adam and loosely wrapped his fingers around his length that was still, surprisingly, flaccid. 

Adam turned his face to the crook of Sauli’s neck and panted against his skin. Each brush of the hot air made Sauli shiver and he tightened his grip around Adam. 

Adam begun to press tender kisses along Sauli’s jawline. Sauli closed his eyes, sighing blissfully, and bent his head back. 

"It was so hard to stay focused and not let my mind wander. But now it's so hard _not_ to think about you on all fours and me fucking you through the rest of the year"

Have mercy, Sauli thought. If there is something that could make him cream his pants just like that, it's Adam's dirty mouth whispering right next to his ear. Just so he wouldn't cum before Adam gets him on all fours, he lowered himself down between Adam's legs and wrapped his mouth around his cock.

"Have I ever told you you look surprisingly hot while having your mouth stuffed full of dick?" Adam asked, running his fingers through Sauli's hair, "My dick, just to be clear"

Adam picks the worst moments to ask questions. It's like being at a dentist with your mouth stretched wide open and they ask you how was your day. 

Adam picked up Sauli's camera and pointed it towards Sauli. Sauli didn’t mind, though he didn't see that coming. 

"You know what we should do?" Adam murmured, "Film a sex a tape"

Sauli had to pull away just so he could snort,

"When has that ever turned out well for public figures?"

"We could stash it in your safety locker" Adam offered and let the camera down, "But okay, let's not then"

Sauli got back to sucking Adam off. He just simply loves giving head to Adam, regardless of possible jaw strains. Though he loves getting Adam off, no matter how it's done.

"You remember when you said if I changed my mind about, well _you know_ , I should let you know?" Adam asked, avoiding direct eye contact. He knew what Adam meant, he remembers the brief conversation that has been floating in his mind more or less during the past few weeks. He also suspected Adam had something in his mind, he is usually more quiet during blow jobs. 

Verbally, at least. 

"Yeah, I do" 

"Well, I'm letting you know I've changed my mind.... I want you to do it. If you only want to" Adam whispered.

"You sure? Are we talking about the same thing here? For sure?" Sauli asked and let go of Adam's cock and ran his hands down his thighs instead.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure we are" Adam said, "Do I- Do I need to get cleaned up or something?" 

"You just took a thorough shower, it'll be just fine" Sauli smiled, grabbing the pits of Adam's knees, "You sure about this?"

Adam nodded,

"Yeah"

"Okay, then" Sauli said, "Bring your knees up to your chest" he said, his voice only a little shaky due to his excitement, and pushed Adam's legs up.

Adam took a hold of his legs and let his head down on the pillows. Sauli took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down a notch, and admired the sight before him. 

"Uhm- Are you-?"

"Staring?" Sauli asked, "Yes" he added shamelessly. Adam's awkward chuckle was so endearing to him and it made him love him just a little more. 

Sauli gave the first, testing lick to his hole, just running his flat tongue over the entrance. He repeated it several times before he noticed everything wasn't exactly right so he pulled away.

Adam was too quiet. 

"Get on your stomach"

"Huh?"

"Makes a huge difference, just do it" Sauli whispered and watched Adam roll around on his belly. Saulu straddled his body and brought his mouth on Adam's shoulder. He kissed his ear and cheek too before moving his lips between his shoulder blades.

Adam sighed. 

Now that's more like it, Sauli thought. Sauli slowly moved lower, planting kisses along Adam's spine until he reached his tailbone.

Sauli caressed the swell of his ass with both hands before gently swatting the skin. Adam jumped a bit, muting his giggles against the pillow. Sauli grinned, leaning down to bite the flesh.

"Hey!" Adam squeaked, "Ow!"

"Sorry" Sauli said then, licking over the area he just bit. He pulled the cheeks apart to expose Adam's hole again. He leaned down and flicked his tongue around the twitching hole. 

Adam hummed quietly, squeezing the pillowcase. 

"That nice?" Sauli asked quietly between the licks.

"Yeah,,, I guess" Adam replied.

"You guess?" Sauli smiled, "You don't have to do this"

"Nono, I just- You know,,, Is that it?"

Sauli pulled away, cocking his eyebrow. Oh, he just said that. He totally just said that.

"Oh, my God. I didn't mean it to sound like that" Adam rushed out, trying to push himself up but Sauli held him down, "I'm sorry, it was not a stab at your skills or anything-"

Sauli hummed in laughter. He didn't take it personally at all, it was more of a 'you really just said that' kind of laughter. 

"I'm gonna show you" He murmured, grasping Adam's ass again and buried his face back between his cheeks. He swiped his tongue over the hole several times, with no breaks between, just mercilessly stimulating the nerve-filled area until Adam was starting to buck against the bed. Sauli lazily kissed the hole, building up more saliva.

He brought his finger in the game too, gently teasing a fingertip inside of Adam. Adam let out a pleased sigh, shifting his legs further apart. Sauli carefully pushed the finger deeper inside, aware that the only lube was his spit, so kept checking on any signs of discomfort. He curled the finger expertly, knowing exactly where to hit to make Adam flee to another dimension.

His hips jerked against the bed, accompanied by a surprised moan.

"Oh god, your stubble..." 

"Like that?" Sauli smirked. He rubbed his chin against the delicate skin and curled his finger at the same time, enjoying the groan Adam made for him. He licked around his own finger while gingerly thrusting it in.

"Oh" Adam sighed, bringing his hips off the bed and tried to get even closer to Sauli's mouth. Sauli grinned but it faded as soon as Adam reached down underneath himseld to rub his cock. 

"Nuh-uh, not yet. Put your hands back up" Sauli commanded 

Adam groaned but obeyed. He let himself back down against the bed and wiggled his hips to get some friction. 

Sauli forced the tip of his tongue inside of Adam. Giving Adam a rimjob has been just as hot as Sauli always imagined it to be. Now the next step would be changing the roles because Sauli knows there's nothing Adam's tongue can't do...

Adam grew more vocal by now, moaning shamelessly and louder than before. It made Sauli believe he must be doing at least something right.

He pulled away, his spit dribbling down his own chin but he didn't waste a second to go back down, grinning when Adam's hips bucked again. He rubbed his stubbly chin against the underside of Adam's balls which were snugly crushed against the bed.

"I need to cum"

"You're not gonna cum on the bed spread" Sauli pointed out, "Turn around"

Adam rolled over and automatically pulled his legs up to his chest and exposed himself. It didn't seem to feel nearly as awkward anymore as it did before, which Sauli was pleased to notice.

He got back to licking and kissing Adam's fluttering hole while Adam brought his own hand down to wrap it around his cock. With Sauli's mouth on his ass, it only took a few firm strokes for him to come hard, cum all put spraying out of him. 

Sauli smacked one last kiss on Adam's hole and pulled away, gently pulling his quivering thighs back down. He kissed Adam's knee and crawled between his legs, bringing his face close to Adam's.

He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and kissed Adam on the lips.

" _That_ was it" He grinned "How was that?"

"Good" Adam said breathlessly, "So good.... We should do that more often. We should try it in 69 next time"

"I'm all for it" Sauli wheezed. 

"But before that" Adam said, pushing himself up and reached for a tissue to wipe his stomach with, "You deserve a treat too"

Adam pinned Sauli down on the bed, lowering himself between his legs.

~*~

The next day Adam went to see the producers who wanted to meet him. It wasn't exactly a long meeting and Sauli was surprised to have him back so soon. Adam refused to talk about it so Sauli concluded it didn't go as he had planned.

He didn't want to add insult to injury so he didn't bring it up. Adam will if he wants to.

They flew back to LA the next morning and had settled back home, or to Sauli's place, by the evening.

Sauli's focus was half on combing Fluffy's fur and half on Adam who was looking at himself from the mirror, simply glowing, and Sauli was happy to see him smile so wide after the New York trip. 

"I enjoy seeing you like that" He said with a smile and put the dog comb down, lifting Fluffie down from the table.

"I finally had a dentist appointment and they fixed the backs of my teeth bulimia wore out. Even though the situation wasn't the worst possible" Adam cringed and slid his tongue across his front teeth once more, "And the enamel looks brighter now"

Sauli walked up next to him and clung onto his arm, watching Adam's reflection in awe.

“I’ve seen really bad cases. I could have never told you had bulimia if I had to tell that by only looking at your teeth. How did you keep them from falling out?” Sauli frowned with an amused chuckle.

“It just takes years and years of practice and knowledge” Adam said plainly and scratched the back of his head. Sauli could tell the subject still made him slightly ashamed so he didn't want to ask too many questions. 

Soon enough, Adam’s focus was back on his own reflection. Sauli found it endearing yet so amusing to see him play around with his reflection like that. He wouldn't dare to smile too much, he didn't want to give Adam a wrong impression. 

"Something new has slowly made its way on your face" He said instead, cupping Adam's chin, and looked at their reflection, "Your genuine smile"

Adam chuckled, frowning,

"I've smiled at you since the day we met"

"Yes. _At me_. But this is coming from the inside all for yourself. You look so gorgeous when you smile, have I told you that before?"

"A few times" Adam smiled, his face flushing. 

Sauli kept smiling, looking at Adam so long it made Adam turn his eyes away. He stroked Adam's arm, slowly up and down,

"You're so attractive I could just eat you" He hissed and slid his hand down Adam's arm onto his hand, laced their fingers, and started to pull Adam towards the nearest soft surface that was the couch. 

Adam obeyed happily, flattening his body on top of Sauli's when they reached the couch.

"If I kiss you now I will only share this terrible taste with you” Adam chuckled.

Sauli pouted,

“Well, if we can’t make out we can talk. You haven’t said a word about the meeting with the label guys and I would like you to include me in that part of your life... You promised not to cut me off"

Adam grew serious instantly and he pushed himself up, sitting against the arm rest of the couch instead. 

“I have nothing to tell. I know you know they rejected me”

Sauli sat up as well and rested his body against the opposite armrest so he could see Adam properly. 

"I don't, actually. You didn't tell me"

"I knew right from the beginning that not a sane label would ever take me. I mean,,, look at me. It was just a hefty reminder” Adam said, shrugging it off nonchalantly. He made it seem like he didn't care but of course he did, Sauli knew he did. 

Anybody would. It's just a lot easier to be pessimistic or say you saw it coming, than telling someone you feel disappointed. 

"Why it is so hard for you to admit when something hurts you? You’re not made of iron, you know"

Adam shot him a glare that went straight to Sauli's spine.

“You’re right, I’m not. You tore me open under your very own gaze, so you should know" 

Sauli chose to say nothing. He knew having this conversation would lead them nowhere so he just gave Adam some time to cool down and gather his thoughts. 

It took about 30 seconds before Adam sighed heavily and ran his hands down his face,

"Sorry. I know you only mean well"

"It's okay, I just wish you didn't try to pretend it's all good" Sauli said, "If I asked you again... Were you hurt by their decision to reject you?”

Adam nodded,

"I guess, yeah- But not so much about the rejection itself. It's just that I took it more personally than I thought... Singing is the only thing I have been good at and to hear, although not directly, that I'm not as good at it as I thought I was, now that shit kinda hurts" Adam explained and crossed his arms almost like in a sheltering manner, "I don't even care if they rejected because I'm gay. But I care if they rejected because they think I'm no good"

"Oh no, they're not doing this to you. I forbid it" Sauli said determinedly and stumbled up, moving to straddle Adam's lap, "You are an incredible singer and you know it. I know you do, so don't just let someone tell you you're not"

"I try"

"Good. I’m going to give you a smack on the butt for keeping things from me”

“Stay away from my ass!” Adam chuckled and smoothly slid down from the couch. Sauli playfully grabbed his ankle to stop him, and lowered himself down from the couch too. 

"Play fair" Adam insisted in a high-pitched voice when Sauli sat on the back of his thighs, "But since you're there, could you rub- _Not there_!" 

Sauli snickered, letting go off Adam's ass. 

"You have a problem" Adam stated.

"I am aware" Sauli shrugged, "Relax your shoulders” 

Sauli kneaded the tight muscles on the back of Adam's neck and shoulders. 

"What have you been doing?" Sauli asked, "You're so stiff"

" _Travelling_ , if you've forgotten"

"Right" Sauli smiled, "I can rub away the travelling. And writing. Or at least I will try"


	21. Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unfolding things from the past and present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why am I still bothering with writing about a ship that sailed long time ago?  
> Because this is how I vent things, this is how I lash out, and this is what I am. It's a happy place, will always be.  
> It's a ship I know the best.  
> It still doesn't mean both of the boys won't get my endless support if they fall in love with someone else.  
> They will. Even if the "alternatives" might not always be the most fondest.

The moment in the afterglow of sex is probably the most profound you can share with your partner. Their breath so close you can almost taste it on your own tongue, their heartbeat still so fast and loud you can almost hear it if you focus hard enough.

Though Sauli didn't have to focus much, he rested his head on Adam's chest like he nearly always does when he gets a chance. It's one of the rare moments his mind is clear almost of everything except Adam. He liked listening to the sound of his heartbeat, so fast due to their activity, slowly calm down. 

They lay still until their breathing slowly calmed down too. Sauli propped himself up first, on the support of his elbow, and reached out to brush Adam's sweaty hair off his forehead.

"You okay?" He asked with a quiet chuckle, holding the hair back.

Adam nodded,

"Yeah... But I gotta admit I thought I'll pass out"

Sauli smiled and felt his cheeks warm up. It's rather unusual for him to get flustered but he knows he, they, got a little experimental tonight, and nudged the boundaries of their usual vanilla sex a bit. 

"I can't say I didn't enjoy it though, it just felt so intense" Adam added unnecessarily and slowly pushed himself up, glancing at the clock, "Oh man, I need to get cleaned up and get going. Some of us have work today" 

Oh, right. Sauli instead has a day off. If he could only spend it with Adam his life would be pretty much perfect at this moment. Adam insisted on doing a few hours today for extra coin so Sauli delivered.

Yet now, he seems like he'd rather stay with Sauli. Sauli stretched blissfully, slumping back on the mattress. 

"You don't have to rub it in" Adam said, tweaking Sauli's side but he just giggled, "I have to be like, what, 3 hours at work"

"Well, isn't that rough? I bet you'll be exhausted when you come back" Sauli said exeggeratedly seriously and flexed his toes, "Should I prepare you a lunch, bath, private massage..."

Adam just snorted, disappearing into the bathroom to get cleaned up. Sauli kept grinning and rolled on his side, grabbing Adam's pillow and hugged it to his chest. 

"I'll be sleeping when you return" He declared against the pillow, inhaling the scent of it. 

"Add insult to injury" Came Adam's voice from the bathroom. Sauli knew he won't be sleeping at all after Adam leaves, he doesn't usually sleep in, he might just turn on the TV and watch that for the rest of the day. First he might take a jog with Fluffie and hit the gym. 

He had offered to take Adam to work but apparently Terrance is taking him since he's driving nearby. 

Suddenly without any warning, Adam hopped on the bed and on top of Sauli's body, careful not to squish him on the landing, "Just wait until I have a day off and you don't"

"Don't talk to your boss like that" Sauli murmured, tapping the tip of Adam's nose once with his finger. Adam stole one hasty kiss and got up, pulling on a fresh pair of underwear, then went back to the bathroom. 

Sauli got up as quietly as possible and tiptoed to the bathroom door, then stormed inside with a playful growl and grabbed Adam by the waist. Adam squeaked in a high pitched voice, almost breaking Sauli's eardrum, and quickly spit the remaining toothpaste out of his mouth.

"You scared me!" Sauli squealed, holding a hand over his ear.

" _I_ scared you?" Adam asked, "I nearly choked on my toothbrush"

"I happen to know you have a nearly non-existant gag reflex" Sauli said wickedly, to which Adam rolled his eyes and snorted. While it's true that Adam doesn't gag easily, of course he would rather not see him swallow a toothbrush. He could have thought twice before scaring him but he was in the moment.

"I'm sorry" Sauli cooed, squeezing the body tightly between his arms, "Do you still love me?"

"I'm not sure. Do I?" Adam teased, "Of course I do"

Sauli smiled, pressing his cheek against Adam's back. There was a faint bruise on Adam's shoulder which made him frown and brush the tip of his finger over it.

"You have a bruise on your shoulder"

“It’s not a bruise, it’s a fingerprint from Friday night” Adam pointed out, "There's another one a little lower"

“Oh my God, I'm sorry” Sauli chuckled, examining the marks, “Did I hold onto you so hard?”

"Well, the quieter you need to be, the harder you hold onto me” Adam pointed out and Sauli cringed a little,

"I still didn't mean to hurt you"

"I like it a little rough" Adam winked and turned around between Sauli and the sink, "It was hot. Now tell me do I reek of sex, do I need a shower?"

"Who cares if you do, let them know"

"Is that how you roll?"

"Sometimes" Sauli grinned.

He pecked Adam on the side of the neck before he left the bathroom and returned on the bed. He reached out to grab his phone from the nightstand and checked if there were any unseen messages or missed calls. 

No calls, no messages but bunch of emails, though. He opened the gallery and browsed through the photos he took at the small fashion show on Friday night. Lots of selfies with big names, friends and Adam. And of course pictures from the actual show. 

When Adam returned, he put on his clothes which he had put ready on the chair last night. A pair of loose, regular jeans and a black T-shirt. Casual but still stylish, as always. Sauli could really use his fashion sense and instincts for some new projects. 

Which reminds him of the previous subject. 

"You know, about those bruises..." Sauli started, fiddling with the creases in the sheets, "I didn't mean to be so rough with you. I don't know what got into me"

Adam gave him a weird look while pulling on his leather jacket,

"You act like you've violated me or something" He said with an uneasy chuckle, "They're just little bruises"

"I know, I just- I was surprised to see them"

The bed shifted as Adam sat on it, tipping Sauli's head up by his chin. 

"Is everything alright? It's not like those bruises are a big deal. You've pushed my leg so high up once that I pulled my groin" He offered a little helplessly, trying to smile just so it would all seem light and harmless like it was supposed to be. Except for Sauli it suddenly wasn't. 

He was starting to recognize old, but not at all forgotten, feelings from himself. He didn't give them much thought before now. He didn't want to, to be exact, he wanted to ignore them the best he can.

"I know we've had our fair share of sex injuries" Sauli said with a genuine snicker, "These things happen. It's not that I'm really worried about"

"Then what it is?" Adam asked, checking the clock again. They both knew their time was limited now since Adam has to get going unless he wants to be late. 

"Let's discuss this when you get back, okay?" Sauli suggested.

Adam had no choice but to agree. He gathered his stuff, phone and wallet more specifically, and stood by the side of the bed, hands in the back pockets of his pants. It was always like a cue for Sauli to make the first move, in this case, a goodbye kiss. 

Adam does the same when he's sulking after "losing" an argument. Almost like he wants the kiss but won't ask for it directly let alone just go for it. As if it's hurting his pride during those fragile minutes. 

Now he was probably unsure. Which was no wonder after such weird conversation, Sauli would feel the same. He sat up on the edge of the bed and pulled Adam between his knees. 

“You look lovely” He said, pressing a gentle kiss through the cotton of Adam's shirt, "I'll see you in a few hours"

Adam nodded, his smile not quite reaching his ears. Sauli dropped his hand on top of Adam's ass and gave it an affectionate squeeze. 

"Can you leave this here with me?"

"Sure, if we trade" Adam said, "You can take mine if I can have yours"

"Sounds fair"

Adam bent down to peck Sauli on the lips before he left. 

 

 

~*~

"What on Earth is that?" Adam asked when he came home after work, and saw Sauli lounging on the couch in a blue overall. Sauli tore his eyes off the screen and gave Adam a grin.

"This is a onesie" He told him and got up from the couch to greet Adam with a small kiss, "And look, the zipper goes all the way up to the tip of the hood!" 

Sauli pulled the zipper up all the way, so that even his face was hidden behind the fabric.

"I can hide in here if we're starting to annoy each other"

Adam chuckled and pulled the zipper low enough to reveal Sauli's beamy face.

"Am I annoying you now?"

"No" Sauli smiled. 

"I should get one of these too" Adam suggested as he eyed the onesie and felt its fabric. Sauli can't believe he hasn't worn it before whenever Adam has been visiting, he obviously is seeing it on him for the first time. 

It's so comfortable he's going to start using it every day. 

"You should, it's very comfy" Sauli told him. Adam pulled on the collar of the onesie and peeked inside.

"So naked underneath" He declared.

"I'm always naked under my clothes" Sauli grinned wickedly, being the smartass that he is, and wrapped his arms around Adam's shoulders, trying to kiss him but Adam turned his head.

Sauli frowned. Adam doesn't usually, actually never, reject a little kiss from him. If he does, he's either grumpy or sick and usually it doesn't take long for Sauli to figure out which. But right now he had no idea. 

"Not now" Adam said gently and moved Sauli's arms off his shoulders. 

"Everything alright?" Sauli asked, frown still tugging on his eyebrows. 

"I'm fine, just got a little headache from the studio lights" Adam explained, "'be right back"

Adam went into the bathroom and Sauli slowly returned on the couch. He hates that when he combines Adam not wanting to kiss him and him disappearing to the bathroom, he automatically starts making stupid assumptions. 

Sometimes people don't want to kiss, he told himself, people also use the bathroom for very normal reasons. _Relax_. Being on the verge of losing Adam forever has definitely scarred him and it will haunt him for the rest of his life. 

Every time Adam acts even a little differently than usually, Sauli gets those unpleasant doubts. 

He heard the toilet flush, tap running, a door opening and closing. 

"You have tylenol?" Adam asked when he came back into the living room. 

"I think so. Check from the med cabinet"

So he did and apparently also found some as well since Sauli heard the rustling of a pill being popped out of its package. Adam came back again, carrying a bottle of water. 

"I think I need a nap"

"Come and take a nap on the couch. I still have a few episodes left to watch so I can play with your hair" Sauli smiled and tapped the mattress of the couch. 

Adam nodded, smiling, making his way on the couch and settled down with his head on Sauli's lap. Sauli's fingers dove in instantly. 

"You ate all of our chocolates?" Adam asked, eyeing the empty Fazer wrappers on the table. Well, Sauli could have, but he wanted to be considerate and leave some for Adam.

"Most of them were salty liquorice" 

Adam made a face which made Sauli snicker. Who wouldn't understand the charm of salty liquorice? Maybe it's an acquired taste after all. 

Adam didn't fall asleep in another 15 minutes. Sauli recognized it from his breathing and saw him blink his eyes several times, but he still kept gently playing with his hair. It usually lullabys him to sleep but now it seemed to do no good. 

"Is everything really alright?" He asked again.

"Why don't you tell me?" Adam fired back, "You know, I kept thinking about your weird behavior all day. And now _you_ act like nothing's wrong"

Sauli stilled his hand, the one that was petting Adam's hair, and reached out for the remote to pause his series. He was, in a way, hoping Adam would have forgotten it so they wouldn't have to have the conversation. 

But since he has obviously not forgotten, there was no way around it anymore. 

"Should I be worried?" Adam asked quietly, turning his head straight and looked up at Sauli with visible distress, "About you. About us"

"Hey, no" Sauli softly convinced, not wanting Adam to make any assumptions of his own, "But I admit I've not been feeling as great lately. For various of reasons. And this morning just kind of reminded me of all that" 

"Why?" Adam asked, "I mean, how?"

Sauli sighed, dropping his head against the back rest of the couch. He hoped that Adam's apparent headache would maybe postbone this conversation. 

But what good would it do, he thought to himself. They'll have to skin the cat at some point anyway. 

"Okay... Long story or long story short?"

"The long story" Adam decided, "Even though I already have a feeling I might not like what's about to come"

Sauli almost chuckled. Like they've been through this kind of conversarions a few times before. 

"Before I even met you, I was kind of stuck and unsatisfied with my life. My career had reached a certain point where I felt like I had to either be able to expand or go to bankruptcy. I was doing well in LA but it wasn't _enough_. I wanted to get to New York and Paris and Milan and London"

In short, all the capitals of fashion. It'd be huge to have his name known in those places, even if it's just inside the fashion circles and not general public. 

Anything would do. Would have done. 

"Still at this point in my career, I haven't had any contacts in Milan or London. _None_."

One of the things he didn't want to do, was to give Adam the impression that he had given in. He keeps telling Adam to go for his dreams and has used himself as an example, and he hates making even the smallest cracks to that illusion. 

"For a long time I'd been thinking I need more than just models and shows. I wanted to design. But I was lacking vision. I was devastated to learn that I had a passion for something that I had no skills at whatsoever"

"You have _vision_ " Adam suddenly interrupted, having a doubtful look on his face like he wasn't buying anything Sauli was telling him, "I've seen your sketches in the storage room. Don't tell me you don't have vision. Why don't you tell me the truth?"

Adam didn't look judgmental. He rarely does, at least when it comes to Sauli, but the look on his face still made Sauli not want to lie. Or even leave certain parts of the story untold. Adam would dig them up. 

"Oh, you mean I was devastated because I could do design but I was addicted to drugs so it kind of stopped me?"

Adam shrugged. 

"Good catch. But not true" Sauli said, a half-assed smirk playing on his lips, "I had ditched the drugs long before that. But yes, I was definitely,,, Considering that path again"

Adam only managed to open his mouth before Sauli talked,

"No, considering is not the right word. I had, in a way, lost a direction. I could see the destination but I had no idea how to get there. When a situation like that goes on for too long, you just- You feel like turning around. Finding something else"

As brutal as it might sound. It could be driven by fear, frustration or both. If there is both, then you could almost call it a fatal trap. 

"Then I met you... A fresh breath of youthful energy and hope, I was inspired by your dedication. Yet it didn't take me long to figure out maybe the surface was fooling me a little. On top of that, I was so smitten with you. And when I'm smitten,,, I get blind. In addition to me being blind, there was a rock-hard surface to crack"

"Sorry" Adam said, as a default response, but Sauli shook his head. 

"You gave me something else to think about and for a while I forgot how close to becoming a total failure I actually was"

Sauli read all the unsaid words from Adam's face. He was fighting so hard not to interrupt and let Sauli finish whatever he wanted to tell him. 

Sauli understood it though. When someone you love tells you how much of a failior they are, the temptation to point out they're not, _fix_ their point of view, is strong. 

"So when I had begun to slip into my old habits, meaning wallowing in self-pity and battling anxiety, you pulled me out from that edge. I enjoyed, if I can put it that way, that you gave me a personal puzzle to solve" Sauli said with a sad smile, "But I couldn't solve it in time. And it nearly cost me your life"

"Hey" Adam interrupted, reaching up to touch Sauli's cheek almost like to make sure he was going to pay attention to what was being said, "My puzzles were not yours to solve. I had lost pieces even I couldn't find anymore, so let alone you"

Sauli pressed his own hand over Adam's and moved it to his lips, kissing his fingers. 

"But I still sometimes hear that terrifying, hollow sound of the hospital machines in my dreams and I wake up, restless and afraid, and I can't help but stare at your chest rising and falling" Sauli admitted, biting his lip so hard he could almost taste his own blood, "Sometimes I even take your hand to feel your pulse from your wrist. And no matter what you say or what is the actual truth, I will always partly blame myself"

It's something he can't help. It's driving him up the walls and he knows it perfectly well but he just _can't_ help it. He has told himself to take it easy and relax for so many times, regardless of knowing it will be no use. 

If it was that easy, he wouldn't have needed to seek for help for his anxiety in the first place all those years ago. Sometimes he still thinks it would have been better if he never did - at least he would have never gotten addicted to benzos. 

"You were so focused on me you forgot to take care of your own trauma" Adam observed and slowly pulled his hand free from Sauli's hold, "Hand's getting numb up there"

Sauli smiled, grasping onto Adam's fingers again but this time kept their hands on his level.

"I did the thing my therapist told me not to do when we had my last session. Not as my therapist, it wasn't a professional advice, but as a person who I liked to think, cared about me. She told me to always prioritize myself first when it comes to wellbeing, because only then I can be capable of supporting others. Easier said than done" Sauli said with a crooked smile, "How was I supposed to prioritize myself first when you were struggling with yourself on a daily basis?"

"Baby-"

"When you were fighting for your life in the hospital, how was I supposed to think about myself first? Even when you told me it's okay for me to have a 'break'. I just didn't see myself ever doing that. How could I?"

For the sake of his own sanity, he probably should have. Just for a moment. But there was no off switch in his head that he could just push and then forget about everything for a few minutes. 

Wish there was. 

"Would it help if you talked to my nurse or my doctor?" Adam asked and pushed himself up. He pulled his legs on the couch and sat sideways, facing Sauli. 

"You could talk to Jasmine. She'd probably be better at explaining things than I am" 

"I don't think she's allowed to spill your medical things to me" Sauli pointed out. 

"No, but she can if I'm with you. As well as my doctor. If those murmurs or SVTs are bothering you, they could tell you what they're about and why they're mostly harmless. Please? I think it'd calm you down a bit"

Adam haven't necessarily been a bad teller in this case, it's just that he has a tendency to protect or keep information from Sauli if he thinks Sauli can't handle it for some reason. As if a "murmur" didn't sound scary enough on its own. 

Hearing things being said and properly cleared out and explained by a professional could actually really help his nerves a little. 

"If it's really okay with you then I guess I could come" Sauli agreed and squeezed Adam's fingers. 

"I'm fine with it" Adam shrugged, "Just be prepared to hear very open conversations about very awkward things" He added with a snicker Sauli found oddly endearing. He couldn't help but chuckle himself. 

"I don't care about any 'awkward' things in your health currently, I'm just happy you're still here"

"Aw" Adam cooed, leaning closer for a little kiss, "Then that's settled. But... What about that weird freak about those bruises?"

Sauli cupped both of Adam's cheeks and sighed, pressing their foreheads together. He tried to figure out a way to say things without freaking Adam out.

Tried to find a way to express his concern without seeming like some kind of scary monster.

"You remember that time I told you I used to become a little aggressive during my addiction? I was just,,, I got freaked out. Because I would _never_ want to hurt you and somehow seeing those marks reminded me that that part of me is still somewhere deep inside"

"Hey" Adam whispered, pressing his hands on top of Sauli's, "You're not that person you were back then. You're not. And I'm not hurt. At all"

Sauli bit his lip, nodding frantically. He pulled Adam's face closer kissed him again - only this time long and deep, really taking his time to savour the man who has matured so much and who makes Sauli the happiest man alive. 

"By the way, I saw the new gallery today" Adam said after pulling away, "They had put your photos up there too" 

"They had? I didn't expect them to be ready until next week" Sauli said, letting go of Adam's face when Adam started to settle back down with his head on his thighs. 

"Yeah! The photos from Fault and the ones where you were covered in metallic colors. Then I had a boner for the rest of the day"

"Now, that's a long ass boner" Sauli chuckled and started fiddling with Adam's hair, "Did they show you some photos from the show?" 

"Yes, actually. I looked surprisingly cofident and good. Well, at least I looked better than in the show where I walked with my ankle smashed and looked like I was afraid the people in the audience will eat me alive any second"

Sauli smiled at the looking good part. Seeing someone gain confidence and better self-esteem with you step by step is a beautiful thing to witness. 

"And you didn't even tell me you had gotten hurt back then. I had a heart attack when you tripped" Sauli said.

Adam groaned, nuzzling Sauli's thigh to maybe hide from the world for a second.

"Don't remind me. I've never been more embarrassed in my life"

"You serious? You could have gotten seriously hurt"

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you wouldn't have been embarrassed yourself if you were me" Adam said and Sauli went quiet, "It was humiliating in so many levels"

"Does the tylenol help?" Sauli asked, changing the subject since Adam obviously craved for it at the moment. 

It was not exactly his proudest walk and he still avoids talking about it if he just can help it. 

"Not yet. It takes some time which is why I usually take a nap"

Well, that was the original plan but Sauli can't complain about their little chat. It actually felt like a huge rock rolling off his chest. It felt like being able to finally breathe properly after being squished under an excruciating weight. 

"After this very delightful conversation, you probably wouldn't mind a nap"

"Not at all"

Sauli pressed Play on the remote and continued with his series while Adam gave his nap a second try.

~*~

Adam made a decision to finally get his driver's license. His parents agreed to pay it for him so there was no problem with financial side. To spice things up, Sauli offered to teach him how to drive.

He just got himself a qualification confirmation to be a supervisor and got himself a pair of L plates. 

However, Adam's parents weren't nearly as thrilled about their arrangement as Adam was. 

"What's the bid deal?" Adam whined to his parents, his father especially, when they were visiting them during the weekend, and discussed the subject over a cup of coffee,

"He has had a license for 6 years, he can handle it. And me. And my temper"

"And to point out, I have already driven him from one place to another all the time" Sauli butted in, nearly shaking his finger at the man opposite of him but decided it'd be a bad move, "Besides, Adam has started to spend more time in the studio which is far away from my agency. It would make my life so much easier, actually, it would be beneficial for us both if Adam learned how to ride"

"Drive" Adam murmured. 

" _Drive_ " Sauli pressured, his face flaming red, not to mention Adam's, when he noticed Leila waa suppressing her giggles. He has lived in The US for years yet he keeps making novice mistakes when it comes to the language, especially when he's nervous. 

And he can _not_ be nervous when Eber is looking at him like that. 

If Sauli was any quirkier than he is, he'd surely add that Adam's _riding_ was already top notch and he didn't need to teach him anymore. It was also surely beneficial for both of them. Eber and Leila didn't need to know that though, it's not like they were jumping from joy when Adam first announced they were dating. 

So let alone if they got any images of their bedroom activities in their heads. 

"I'm certain it'd be. But why does it have to be you who teaches him?"

"It doesn't have to be only me. He's still taking driving lessons, I'm just between those lessons" Sauli defended, "And Adam knows me. So what's the problem?"

"Nothing" Adam said before anyone else could utter a word.

"Weren't you like, a substance abuser in the past?" Eber asked, which made Sauli's skin crawl and all the warmth rushed out of his body, leaving him feel cold and suddenly out of breath. 

He tried his best to stay calm, slowly leaning back on his chair. He glanced at Adam who looked at him, apologetically. It didn't take long to figure out Adam might have slipped a thing or two about Sauli's past to his parents. Hopefully this time accidentally and not just cover his own ass. 

"Sauli, I'm-"

"No, it's okay" Sauli interrupted, dropping his hand on Adam's thigh to show him some consolation, "It's not like it's a secret. Just not a thing I would have wished your parents to know about me just yet. But to answer your question, yes. _I was_."

"As if we all haven't made mistakes sometimes. Especially when we were young" Leila butted in, standing up and started to gather the empty cups in her hands, like she wanted to slither away from the conversation. Or prevent it from happening in the first place.

"I haven't touched any problematic substance after my rehab, except alcohol which I personally have no problem with. I haven't relapsed or slipped since. So that shouldn't affect my ability to teach Adam how to _drive_ "

"Of course, it doesn't" Leila said before Eber could say anything, "Stay for dinner, Sauli. I'll prepare some within a few hours"

Sauli took that as 'end of discussion'. He nodded, smiling faintly, 

"Thanks, I will. Thanks for the coffee too"

Adam rose from the table first, tugging on Sauli's shirt to maybe tell him to move as well. Sauli happily did, hoping that the subject is dealt with and hopefully forgotten by the night. 

Sauli used the bathroom before going up to Adam's room where he was already lounging on the bed. 

"I'm sorry" Adam apologized instantly, jolting up to a sitting position, "It slipped one time when me and mom talked and apparently she had told dad" 

"Nah, don't worry about it" Sauli said, falling down on the bed and crossed his arms behind his head. His points probably weren't that high in their eyes anyway, so where's the harm?

"Yeah, but you don't go around telling your parents I'm a bulimia recover" 

"No, but I've had more time to accept my past than you. While it's not something I'm proud of, it's still part of me" Sauli said and Adam lowered himself next to him. He cuddled up in the pit of Sauli's arm so Sauli dropped his other hand down around him.

"When I was in rehab... My room mate there asked me if I died tomorrow, what would I still want to experience" 

"Yeah? What did you say?" Adam asked, finger circling aroud Sauli's nipple which he found incredibly distracting but would never ask him to stop. 

Sauli wished he could tell Adam something as cheesy as 'love'. But his wishes were much simpler because at that time it felt real. Like there was the Death himself roaming around the rehab center, carefully choosing his next friend. 

"I wanted to feel calm. Someone who struggled with anxiety on a daily basis, it was my only wish" Sauli explained, "Getting lost in the countryside with no destination and not feel anxious about it, while walking on a road so rarely used that it grows grass. It continues endlessly before your eyes and all those blossoming fields around you... You'd smell the hay, feel the wind touch your face and hear nothing but nature around you. And you're just,,, at peace with yourself" 

Adam looked up,

"Do such roads exist?" He asked curiously, "Like in real world? Or was that just an image in your head?"

"They do. Many places, I believe. But to me it was back at home. I wish I could take you there some day"

Everything about that image would be even better if he can copy and paste Adam in it with him. They could get lost in the middle of nowhere where no one knows them, have coffee in a tiny boutique, eat dinner in a place with no reviews and finally walk towards the sun which never sets during that summer night. 

And just forget about what they do normally, why they do it and what happens if they won't do it. 

"Any time" Adam smiled, pulling Sauli out of his imaginary fields. 

They chatted, made out and chatted some more, made out again, before Leila called them out for dinner. 

After the most wonderful dinner, Adam was in the mudroom with Sauli when he was about to leave and go home. 

"Are you coming with me or are you staying?" Sauli asked, arms wrapped around Adam's waist. 

"I kinda promised my mom to stay" Adam chuckled, "Said she sees me way too rarely. But if you want, you can stay too. I've never had a boy over night"

Sauli snickered at Adam's sly look. He couldn't deny Adam the joy of having a boy over night for the first time. 

"Tempting. But Fluffie is alone at home"

"Call someone to check on him. Your spare key is in your garage, right?"

Sauli pursed his lips, glancing at the clock. It was 7.30, so he could still call someone and ask them to take the dog out and give him food, and maybe stay for the night. He'll be back home in the morning. 

"Mm. Night at your parents' place the same day I had a tense moment with your father. Sounds like a treat. Fine, I'll stay"

Sauli kicked his shoes off and followed Adam out of the mudroom. Adam just briefly and casually told his parents Sauli will also stay for the night, and dragged him back upstairs into his room. 

His eyes couldn't fool anyone. Sauli knew exactly what was on Adam's mind and he didn't know was he on the same wave length himself. He wouldn't mind a mindblowing fuck but just knowing Adam's parents and little brother are somewhere in the house scares his dick. 

Especially because he knows neither of them are exactly the quietest type in bedroom. 

"I think I need a cigarette first" He said, feeling himself heat up under Adam's gaze. 

"I can accompany you" Adam purred, tugging Sauli closer by his hips. 

"No-oh way I let you breathe in all those toxics" Sauli decided and pecked Adam on the lips, also tapping his arms once to make him let go, "I'll be right back"

Sauli found the closest door outside, he didn't want to smoke on a balcony, and lit up his cigarette. He heard the door behind him open and for a second he thought Adam followed him despite of him forbidding him. But soon recognized it wasn't him, he didn't have such a heavy step.

"I'm not really fond of smoking" Came the voice. 

Somehow that didn't even surprise him.

"Name one trait or habit of mine that you like" Sauli said, nonchalantly bringing the cigarette back on his lips and sucked in the fumes, "At least I told Adam to stay in rather than accompany me"

"Smoke all you want, I'm not judging" Eber said, "I just thought you haven't touched a drug another than alcohol"

"You got me" Sauli said. Cigarette, alcohol, he can keep those under control. But he prefers not to get absolutely shit-faced because it has a negative effect on his anxiety. 

He probably should get rid of the smoking too but one thing at a time. He doesn't do it that often. 

Eber stood next to him and Sauli tried not to be indimidated by him though he suddenly looked like he was double his own size. He wasn't looking for approval, that's for certain, the only thing he cared about was that Adam liked him. 

If it took 5 years for his family to feel the same, so be it. 

"I- I have bad habits too. We all do. And I don't think yours are going to affect the way you treat my son" Eber said, like it was almost painful for him to say out loud, "I had missed things about his health which you didn't but I found it easier to blame you than me. Most importantly, he seems so very at ease with you"

"Am I reading you right, you're actually complimenting me?" Sauli asked, not able to conceal his smirk. 

"Don't go that far. But you're a good, kid. You are"

"I appreciate that" Sauli said. 

"Yup. So,,, Me and Leila are thinking of going for a walk just now, we have things to discuss. Things that don't concern you, if I may add"

Sauli actually chuckled at that. Relieved to know they aren't leaving the house just so they could trash talk him a little louder than they could in the house. 

"Just letting you know. You have a house to yourselves" 

The fumes of the cigarette suddenly irritated Sauli's lungs more than seconds ago and he couldn't help coughing. He and Eber might have had a little bonding moment but it wasn't that deep of a bonding moment that they could now discuss such thing without it being awkward.

"Just letting you know" Eber repeated, tapping Sauli's shoulder as he turned away, "I know what it's like to be young. Again, not judging"

He left, going back inside, and Sauli quickly finished his cigarette. He didn't really need Eber's blessing for his sex life and now that he received it, it feels rather weird. 

Sauli went back in, scooting upstairs and into Adam's room. 

"Your parents are going out for a walk, I heard" He told Adam, who was oh-so-temptingly lying on the bed with his knees bent and open. Like an invitation Sauli couldn't say no to.

He stood still by the door, ear perked as he tried to locate any movements and when possibly the main door was being opened and closed. It took agonizing 20 seconds before it happened. 

He and Adam shared a smirk. 

Sauli approached the bed, sliding between Adam's thighs and shifted his legs around himself. 

"Your bed still a virgin?"

Adam nodded, snickering. 

"Super. Do you have condoms here?"

Adam nodded again, tapping his jean pocket. 

"You shouldn't keep condoms in a pocket" Sauli pointed out as he pulled the condom out and put it aside on the bedside table for now, "Which way?"

Adam confidently rolled them around which Sauli had no complaintments about. 

"Let's try not to break my bed, it already has a weak leg" Adam said.

"So you thought you being on top would be beneficial for that?" Sauli teased, "If anything-"

"Shut. Up" Adam chuckled, blushing, and pressed his palm on Sauli's mouth, "I can be _gentle and slow_. I'll show you all my variations within this hour, you have been warned"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, don't keep condoms in pockets. They may wear out and lose effectiveness. Peace.  
> #futurenurse


	22. Author's note regarding writing, please read❤

Okayyy, I don't know where to start. 

Well, first off, if you're reading this, I don't ask you to read it through because it's just a boring, personal rambling about my writing situation considering the relationship of these two in real life, Adam's potential new romantic relationship and what not. But if you DO like to read my stuff, I could ask you a small favor and read this, please. 

I know I said I'm still "bothering" with this ship because this is my way of venting out things - I'm not much of a talker in real life. Which is true. But it goes a whole lot deeper than that. I've been writing since I was 15, since 2011, so needless to say it slowly became something I just was. I chose Saulbert because at that time it was the ongoing relationship; it was a real romance, a beautiful partnership that captured every cell of my what I thought was a cynical heart. Writing, as well as this relationship, became a thing I turned to when I was struggling with anything at all. Whether it was anxiety, fears or low mood, it was always the consolation I was too afraid to ask for in real life. 

Their break up in 2013 shattered everything in my heart. I mourned it like I had just lost a good friend. Which to someone might sound absolutely ridiculous but that's how _I_ felt and boy, it was real. But life went on, as it does after any "loss". I still held writing close to my heart and carried on doing it, encouraged by the lovely feedback even under my most embarrassing, cringiest stories. But it gave me a feeling I had found something I could be good at because quite frankly, I'm not good at _anything_. Not in arts, with children, languages, maths, handling people and so on and so forth. It made me happy to think I might have made someone feel something through a simple text. I continued, progressed and developed, _loved_ and shared. Like I said, I'm not much of a talker in real life, if you don't know me in person your first impression of me might be that I'm incredibly arrogant, cold and unable to feel emotions. I do feel, I just don't know how to express them. So I reflected all of that onto my fics, the characters and the events; everything in my fics is one way or another a part of me. It became a form of therapy; my way of telling myself I'm not a bad person and you are allowed to feel all this. 

But just so this wouldn't be just a personal rambling, Imma cut straight to the point now. I AM going to finish this fic, probably even Tainted, and hell, I might even start a new one. Adam with whom? _Sauli_. Because in addition to Adam, he figuratively has held my hand through tough times too. I _adore_ Javi, I do, even more after he sent me a message about how much he loved my portrait of him, lol, but right now I just don't feel like including him into my fanfics. 

Some of you might think me still writing about Adam and Sauli is creepy and obsessive and please do - You are entitled to your own opinion. But no, it doesn't make me uncomfortable at all. In fact, if I look at the world and everything in it; everything that might have ever caused me anxiety, distress or "uncomfortable-ness", Adam&Sauli are the furthest thing from uncomfortable. 

The thing is, so far I have not figured out a new, alternative coping mechanism. Other than working extremely hard with my emotions and being more open about them. I made a fandom IG account for Adam in summer 2017 and I met some amazing people who welcomed me with open arms, though I had been part of the fandom in some way since 2009. I made some huge process on expressing my feelings and accepting that I'm just more calm than many else - Yet I assure you most of the time I'm a good person. Not cold, just calmer, I promise.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that if you think me continuing writing Saulbert is creepy, you can. I don't send them to the actual people of the fics, so I don't think I'm hurting anyone here. I have been planning on starting an actual novel about my OWN characters, so writing just runs deep in me and it's something I can't nor even want to "help". 

I'm gonna keep writing until I get bored or grow out of it. I'm open to writing about Javi too, just not yet. 

If you read all the way down here, I love you. Stay tuned for updates if you're interested and if you're not no longer, I respect that too, xo.

**Author's Note:**

> YAY or NAY? *biting nails*
> 
>  
> 
> And I KNOW, I have Tainted in progress. I PROMISE I will finish it and I will finish this one too. I know I probably don't have high points when it comes to reliability with finishing my works but I am trying my best to write and manage school.


End file.
